Wrestler Profiles

Singles Wrestlers, in quasi-alphabetical order

Bannister, Jean
Height: 6'5"
Weight: 245 lbs.
Hometown: Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada
Costume: Maple Leafs jersey with "BANNISTER" on back and the ambitious #99, black boxing trunks, and wrestling boots. Carries a hockey stick.
Music: "Rock `n' Roll: Part 2" by Gary Glitter
Finisher: The Slap Shot, a face buster (when he uses it)
Past History and Backstory: Banned for life from the NHL for excessive violence, Jean Bannister figured he could at least move to wrestling "like that Goon guy did". A former defenseman (read: enforcer (read: goon)), he comes here in the spirit of violence and bad sportsmanship. Nobody ever accused him of being a Lady Byng candidate. Can he score the game winner? Or is he doomed to the penalty box forever?

Height: 6'2"
Weight: 244 lbs.
Hometown: Springfield, Illinois
Costume: Plain green trunks
Music: The 1812 Overture
Finisher: The BILLplex
Past History and Backstory: BILL was the most anticipated wrestler the STWF has ever seen. Unfortunately, BILL has met with quite a few problems, especially at the hands of "Black" Jack Dealer, Pedro Chang and DeRanged. (Read up on the EARLY episodes of MNT to find out who they are.) But nowadays, many other people have had their share of BILL abuse. His scars are permanent now, and BILL is perhaps the Greek tragedy of the STWF. However, all this abuse can't be tolerated for much longer. We have a feeling BILL will be making a comeback in a BIG way, now that he's made the decision that he's nuts, and went Asylum Alliance. He's one of the more vocal members, but can he put up?

Captain Obvious
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 213 lbs.
Hometown: Portland, Oregon
Costume: A navy-blue and white ensemble, complete with mask reading "Mask", tights reading "Captain Obvious", a shirt reading "I'm a wrestler too!" and boots with "L" and "R" on them
Music: "Macho Man" by the Village People
Manager: Grampa, an old man in a pinstripe suit who speaks like Foghorn Leghorn
Finisher: The Obvious Neck Pain, a reverse DDT (cf. douja's Chronic Neck Pain piledriver)
Past History and Backstory: Grampa seems to have good connections in that he can find competent wrestlers anywhere he looks. Captain Obvious was plucked right out of Grampa's cotton plantation (Captain Obvious IS white btw) and trained by Grampa himself. CapO's condition is that he says obvious things for no reason...and with that the occasional Tourette's Syndrome curseword. And hey, did we mention he's a wrestler?

Height: 7'2"
Weight: 356 lbs.
Hometown: Greenville, Alabama
Costume: Blue v-neck cargo vest with black police cargo pants, blue belt, sunglasses, blue-and-black hitops
Music: "Danger" by KISS
Finisher: The Flying Scythe Drop, a twisting legdrop across the throat
Manager: Strep, an annoying and loud man with wild red hair and a zoot suit
Past History and Backstory: Carnage is a man of good intentions. While a man of his stature should create an imposing figure, sadly Carnage's good self gets in the way and he looks like an idiot. It's not his fault, really, but he tries hard and that's good. He is a former co-holder of the tag team straps with Stalker (the Total Annihilators). Can he transcend his goofy bad-self image to attain greatness? It looks rather likely.

Colonel "Pops" Khorne
Weight:220 lbs.
Hometown: St.Louis, Missouri
Costume: Popcorn vendor's outfit
Music: Heavy metal version of "Pop Goes the Weasel"
Finisher: The Jiffyneckpop Swinging Neckbreaker
Past History and Backstory: Col. Khorne was a Vietnam veteran. Upon return to America, he did not receive the respect or the compensation he felt he deserved, and had to take up popcorn vending to make an honest buck. He joined the STWF when Sir Gary Glutton (now Gary the Glutton Gourmando) had a scuffle with him. Col. Khorne has since hooked up with the Rogue, and quickly obtained the ICCTINACBBIC belt, the first belt ever for the Gallery. Col. Khorne's all-around wrestling style mixed with combat skills has worked wonders for the popcorn man. While some question his scruples and indeed his very sanity, it cannot be argued that Col. Khorne is a wrestler to be reckoned with.

Height: 6'2"
Weight: 245 lbs.
Hometown: Parts Forgotten
Costume: Whatever he finds on the floor
Music: "Roll it Up, Light it Up, Smoke it Up" by Cypress Hill
Finisher: the Chronic Neck Pain, a piledriver
Past History and Backstory: douja, on the surface, appears to be a man with an addiction. We're not unfamiliar with this: Death and the Aboriginals, we could probably fit Gary Gourmando and Friar "Buck" into the addiction category too. Anyway, douja's love for marijuana (and to a lesser extent, Cheech and Chong movies) has gotten to the point that he actually has to be gainfully employed to feed his habit. And that's where we come in. Der Kommissaar's lax stance on drug use has finally come back to haunt him. douja, of course, is not averse to winning gold. In fact, he's a former ICCTINACBBIC champ. His distracting habit of smoking during his matches might give him some advantage, but probably there's a lot of cons to the pros in that. Will he go to the top, or will all his dreams go up in smoke?

Dykstra, Lenny "F'n"
Height: 6'1"
Weight: 215 lbs.
Hometown: The Lower Lower Deck
Costume: Backwards NY Mets baseball hat, an unbuttoned Mets jersey with Dykstra's name and number on the back, tattered jeans, wifebeater
Music: "We Will Rock You" by Queen
Finisher: Greetings from the Lenny Dykstra Car Wash Somewhere Down in Florida, a full-nelson slam
Past History and Backstory: This pink-haired man for some reason thinks he's Lenny Dykstra, the baseball player turned car wash proprietor. Right down to the "child-loving" tendencies that we won't discuss here. Anyhoo, this man snapped somewhere down the line as he used to be a semi-respectable wrestling personality known as J.C. Brawley way back in the now-defunct Whatever Wrestling Federation. Some say it was a defeat at the hands of Nurse Heidi, others say it's steroid abuse. Either way, he's in the STWF and there's no stopping him!

Fiendish, Bobo Q.
Weight: 335 lbs.
Costume: Wasn't provided, but from what the pictures I've seen show, a tight blue bodysuit and metal cuffs around his neck and wrists.
Music: Some hard rock riffs with tinny guitars and hissing drums...yup, that's right, it's in MIDI.
Finisher: Farewell to the Flesh, a ...well, it's just WRONG to describe it because some people might try it.
Past History and Backstory: People close to him have described him as "a combination of the Undertaker and Dennis Miller". He adds a spin of sarcasm to all his evil traits. His ring experience and talent are overshadowed only by his massive ego, as best illustrated by his self-imposed title of "the Angel of Death Most EXALTED." Holding previous stints in the Nightmare Wrestling Federation and the BOB (to name two), the STWF is proud to have picked up yet another raving loony for its bin. Let's hear it for DK and his freak fanaticism! Hip...hip...oh, never mind.

Height: 6'4"
Weight: 244 4/4 lbs.
Hometown: Four Rivers, Minnesota
Costume: pants with some nondescript pattern on them, no shirt
Music: Just a regular rock melody
Finisher: The Figure Four
Past History and Backstory: With no discernible history, Four is just one of your regular schmoes who happens to have an ambiguous four-letter name that tells nothing of what he's really about. Following in the shoes of such greats (?) as Edge, Test, Droz, and - God help us - Meat, Four is here to do some damage...or not. His name is Four, and don't you Four-get it.

Gourmando, Gary "the Glutton"
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 650 lbs.
Hometown: Juliard, France
Costume: food-stained apron, often seen with some form of food in hand
Music: "Food, Glorious Food"
Finisher: The Spatula Splash
Past History and Backstory: Gary wanted to enter as himself, but was shifted into the "Sir Gary Glutton" role by Der Kommissaar's foolish judgement. While he liked the metal armor, he eventually got his chance to be himself after breaking up with Friar "Buck". Now Gary is hungry for some wins. Of course, the chances of Gary Glutton getting a belt meant for lighterweights is about the same chance of his losing enough weight to reach that category.

Homicidal Hank
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 257 lbs.
Hometown: Intercourse, Pennsylvania
Costume: Bib overalls courtesy of the State Mental Health Facility
Music: "I'm Going Slightly Mad" by Queen
Manager: Spike, a potted geranium
Finisher: The Homicidal Hammer, a piledriver from vertical suplex position
Past History and Backstory: Hank just wasn't the same since he was kicked in the head by a mule as a child. His hobby is powerbombing referees (so much so that he lost his first 100 matches by DQ, and holds the Florida state record for most powerbombed referees in one match. Eight, beating the record of seven set the previous week. We DID say is was Florida.) His bad teeth, hairy chest, shaved head, and tattooed knuckles (with "Left" and "Right") makes him one to be wary around. Simply put, he's so insane he just might put ThatGuy to shame.

Horshiwitz, Frank "Da Jewce"
Height: 6'1"
Weight: 155 lbs.
Hometown: Generic Small Town, New Jersey
Costume: Black tights, blue army boots, old Godsmack T-shirt
Music: "Whatever" by Godsmack
Finisher: the Flat Bread Flatliner, a top-rope uranage bodypress sort of deal
Past History and Backstory: A relative unknown to the wrestling industry, Frank seems willing to get down and dirty into the hardcore scene here in the STWF. In his own words, "I just want to get injured so I can sue the STWF for billions of dollars." Does he realize how hard it is to get injured? Does he realize he may have to sign a contract that won't let him sue? Does he realize the STWF doesn't have billions of dollars, or even thousands? We shall soon find out!

Intensity, Mr.
Height: 6'9"
Weight: 303 lbs.
Hometown: Yaaaaargh!, Wisconsin
Costume: Giant party-size streamers all over his body, bright green trunks
Music: "Slaughterama" by Gwar
Finisher: The Intense Bearhug, where he lights himself on fire and puts the opponent in a bearhug
Past History and Backstory: Quite possibly the most suicidally intense wrestler we've ever seen, this man will gore, injure and maim himself just to prove his intensity. No one's doubting it, but he's immune to common sense and pain - he'll recover from fatal injuries for the sole purpose of giving himself more! You want intense? He's got your intense right here! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Leroux, Claude "Lightning Fingers"
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 255 lbs.
Hometown: Moosebutt, BC
Costume: Red Serge suit, adjusted ever-so-slightly as to not cause a Jacques Rougeau-esque international incident
Music: "O Canada" played on an accordion
Past History and Backstory: Claude "Lightning Fingers" Leroux comes to us from Pennsylvania Total Psycho Wrestling. Hot on the heels of his colleague Homicidal Hank, Claude has gone from Mountie to New Zealand sheepshearer to God-knows-what and back. And hey, we're glad to have him. Who wouldn't be?

Mayhem, Tyrone
Height: 6'0"
Weight: 200 lbs.
Hometown: "None of yo' damn business, bitch!"
Costume: blue pants with "package" written across the front
Music: "Regulate" by Warren G
Finisher: The Smackdown, a Superkick upside the head
Past History and Backstory: Tyrone was a poor inner-city kid who was able to work his way out of the ghetto because he could wrestle. Tyrone learned the extreme arts from the streets, and prides himself on being one of the few extreme-style black wrestlers. His moves are generally high-flying, but his attitude is strictly brawler. Totally loyal to all friends (read: the Inner Circle), but he says that anyone who isn't his friend "better watch out". Could this man be an ICCTINACBBIC champion? We think it's pretty darn likely.

Mittens the Mannerless
Height: 7'2"
Weight: 479 lbs.
Hometown: Portland, Oregon
Costume: A white Mickey Mouse T-shirt with "Manners Aside" written on it, black shorts, red mittens, red boots and a green beanie
Music: "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" (which if you didn't know was written by Mozart)
Valet: Jerry the Bartender...we're not sure what he does.
Finisher: The Glove, a legbar submission (ever seen the Stump Puller?)
Past History and Backstory: Mittens was seen as a freak in his native Oregon, and was misunderstood. Despite his large frame, Mittens is a sensitive, slightly dull human being. In a recent interview, he told us in monosyllables that he "just wants to make friends", because he had none back home when he was a child. He despises bullies. We're just glad he's got Grampa, or did have Grampa! Mittens got sick of taking a sideline to Spontaneous Human Combustion and Grampa's revenge tactics against the Ambulance Jockeys. Mittens went crazy after being pecked in the ear in a "Pin-the-Chicken" match against ThatGuy at SUPERCARD IV. Since then, he has gone on a reign of mannerless terror.

Necro Phil, the lecherous coroner
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 238 lbs.
Hometown: Newark, New Jersey
Costume: Green surgical outfit
Music: "Last Dance with Mary Jane" by Tom Petty
Finisher: The Toxicology - a mandible claw
Past History and Backstory: Phil was just a lonely guy working in the morgues. No apprentices to talk to, just a bunch of corpses and the occasional detective, but they can't keep you warm at night. So Phil just worked and worked, a nice-looking young dead girl comes in every so often, and hey, he's lonely. Phil says, "You all would too, you know you would!". He's somewhat socially challenged, and his wild-haired, sunken-eyed appearance doesn't help. But the doctors understand him and let him wrestle with them. He has some wrestling knowledge after all. And maybe, he'll find that girl with a pulse he's always wanted.

Neige Thirteen
Height: 6'8"
Weight: 254 lbs.
Hometown: Montréal, Québec
Costume: Black "Original Cool" (gotta love Popsicle Pete) T-shirt, white/silver camo-style pants, spotted bandana, carries a "Neigeboard" brand snowboard
Music: "Daddy Cool" by QRN (but whether or not Vic will change this to more appropriate songs is yet to be seen)
Finisher: The "DOKE" kick (a kick that has a sound effect pronounced "doh-kay"...d'okay? D'okay.
Past History and Backstory: The first albino to enter the STWF (which could have been a gimmick in itself we think), the cinnamon-eyed white-haired wonder comes to us from the Anything Goes School of Snowboarding Martial Arts. Known as the Fighting Snowman, Neige Thirteen has an impressive win/loss record in his past e-feds (which we dare not name because they're mainly all closed now), and belongs to an elite group of Japanese-animation- (anime-) based fighters called the Ninja Snowmen (or possibly Snowmens...) Can he continue his winning ways here? Or is everyone just interested in Pokémon? Our magic 8-ball says "Pika-pika!"...I don't know what that means.

Organ Grinder, The
Height: 5'10"
Weight: 148 lbs.
Hometown: Camden, Maine (originally from Köln, Germany)
Costume: Top hat, cape, nice curly moustache.
Music: "Shock the Monkey" by Peter Gabriel
Manager: J. Fred Kokomo, Jr. (a monkey)
Finisher: the Grinder's Grinder, an abdominal stretch
Past History and Backstory: One of the earlier combatants in the STWF, the Grinder took an extended leave of absence to wrestle overseas. Upon his return and the loss of his original beloved monkey-with-an-eyepatch, Helmut, he had to settle for an American replacement. The Grinder hasn't lost his sense of domineering insanity, though, and that's something. Now of Faces, Inc., the Organ Grinder is just another throwback to the "good old days", when El Spheros and ThatGuy ran rampant.

Pencil-Necked Geek, The
Height: 5'10"
Weight: 115 lbs.
Hometown: Computers Unknown Costume: White button-down shirt with pocket protector, polka-dot bell bottoms hiked up to the chest and secured with rainbow suspenders, horn-rimmed spectacles
Music: "The Beer Barrel Polka"
Finisher: The Sharpened Pencil, an Asiatic spike
Past History and Backstory: The Pencil-Necked Geek apparently wants revenge on all those who made fun of him in high school. And come on, if you weren't one of them, you DID make fun of them. The Pencil-Necked Geek isn't the handsomest of men, but claims to be "best viewed when using Netscape". A student of subatomic nuclear physics at the MIT, this is one nerd who's had it up to here (no, I'm not talking about his pants.) He already got revenge by getting the ICCTINACBBIC gold, only to drop it to the Sunflower by taking a dive. His plans now include managing and announcing, with the occasional match now and then.

Plants, Sillaconne M., Dr.
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 240 lbs.
Hometown: Nipples, er, Naples, Italy
Costume: black Italian suit with Italian loafers, blue necktie, white physician's overcoat
Music: "Smooth Operator" by Sade
Manager: Nurse Heidi of Club Med
Finisher: The Breast Implant, a 360-stomp
Past History and Backstory: After being fired for doing too many botched breast augmentations, this former plastic surgeon came to the Ivory Tower accidentally on the heels of his paramedic friends, the Ambulance Jockeys. After a brief chat with Der Kommissaar he was offered a wrestling position, and Dr. Plants took it. He had no job at the time anyway. He may never realize that Nurse Heidi has a crush on him, but that's fine with him as he's just biding his time until he can get back in the practice he loves.

Polar, Billy
Height: 6'0"
Weight: 145 pounds
Hometown: Santa...Los...somewhere in California
Costume: black leather pants, oversized pads
Music: "Mama Said Knock You Out" by LL Cool J
Finisher: the Migraine, a brain buster
Past History and Backstory: Billy Polar came here in search of a place where his high intelligence can be appreciated (he started speaking by the time he was only three!). Well, it would appear that the STWF is his last chance. Being that smart (and having first-cousin parents) comes with high expectations too. So, in order to EARN that title of "genius", he wants to get some STWF gold with his smarts and his wits. If he doesn't have an aneurysm first.

Rogers, "Fascist" Blake
Height: 6'0"
Weight: 221 lbs.
Hometown: Tacoma, Washington
Costume: Black trench coat with silver buttons, black boots with storm gray laces, WWII officers' hat (without any offensive emblems), black tights with his name written on them, also known to wear pink Hawaiian shirts outside the ring.
Music: "I Wish I Was Queer So I Could Get Chicks" by the Bloodhound Gang
Finisher: The Fascistastic Finish, a hotshot across the top rope, continuing to hang on and applying a German suplex (hopefully)
Past History and Backstory: Blake was fascinated by dictators since childhood - at least, until he learned what they did. After a quasi-successful baseball career that was cut short by an injury, he watched a JWA house show to ease his depression and winds up doing a fan run-in. As we all know, this leads to a wrestling career. After no success as himself or Blake "Baby" Rogers (wearing a diaper is nothing NEW to wrestling, we've had one ourselves), he developed the Fascist front. A staunch Canada hater, he hopes one day to conquer the world (or failing that, New Jersey). Well, the STWF is a good place to start.

Rump Ranger, the
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 269 lbs.
Hometown: Butts Corner, Montana
Costume: pink cowboy hat and fringe vest, pink leather chaps, pink mask, trunks with his logo on them
Music: The William Tell Overture
Finisher: The Rump Shaker, an airplane spin into a DVD (set up by a Bronco Buster)
Past History and Backstory: The Rump Ranger carries on the tradition of great cowboy wrestlers, such as the Blackjacks, Ron Bass and Marshall Madd, but with a twist. This gunslinger fights for the forces of truth, justice, same-sex marriages, and the American way, unlike these dastardly outlaws of the past. The Ranger lives by his credo "The Rump Ranger always gets his man in the end" and vows to make every foe go down, TO him.

Sergeant Genocide
Height: 6'11"
Weight: 340 lbs.
Hometown: Kiev, Ukraine
Costume: Black military pants, beret. Bald as a coot underneath.
Music: "Extermination Blues" by Robin Trower
Manager: The Rogue, the most, wait, just a heelish bastard.
Finisher: The Eliminator, a flying headbutt type deal.
Past History and Backstory: A force to be reckoned with in the Worldwide Wrestling Nation, Sergeant Genocide was recruited by the Rogue and brought to the STWF. Now he's being evil here. And he's one of the baddest men to ever walk our halls. He's intent on cleansing the STWF of inferior species of people, and we're not even sure how far he trusts the Rogue, or if he's just using him for a push, or whatnot.

Sir Hungalot
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 250 lbs.
Hometown: Paradise, Pennsylvania
Costume: Black boots, an odd pair of three-legged jeans, and a white t-shirt with green lettering: "I always hit the G-spot"
Music: "Love Roller Coaster" by Ohio Players
Finisher: The G-spot, a move trying to be a camel clutch and a Boston crab at the same time, much like the Cubism if you remember that.
Valet: Candy Cantaloupes, another out-of-work adult-feature actress Past History and Backstory: With celebrities making their own home movies, Sir Hungalot has been "laid off" in his career as an actor in adult features. After short stints as a hot dog vendor, a ditch digger and the whipped-cream guy at Dairy Queen, he finally decided to hop on the pro-wrestling bandwagon to make a "quickie" buck. Whether he penetrates the ranks or falls limp is beyond us.

Height: 6'7"
Weight: 263 lbs.
Hometown: Atlanta, Georgia
Costume: Black wrestling boots with blue laces, black tights, a blue sleeveless shirt and a black-and-blue bandana (Black and blue...get it? Oh, go back to your cave)
Music: "Fuel" by Metallica
Manager: Strep, see Carnage's bio
Finisher: the Silencer, a Death Valley Driver into a crossface
Past History and Backstory: Stalker was an indy wrestler going nowhere. That's when Strep picked him up. (As a protege, not as anything remotely Patrickson related.) Stalker makes his return to the STWF and apparently gained an eye since then, as he used to have an eyepatch. The wonders of modern science, I tell ya. A former tag team champion, Stalker hopes to regain his past glory. And Strep hopes to regain a steady paycheck.

Sweet Candy Andy
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 254 lbs.
Hometown: New York
Costume: Feathered hat, fur-trimmed cape, wraparound shades, and a silver duck's-head cane.
Music: "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees
Valets: The Candygirls: Gratuitous Tina, Miss Chlamydia, Sunshine and Gordita
Finisher: The Flying Pimp Slap
Past History and Backstory: Sweet Candy Andy started out as a member of the Rogue's Gallery, until the New Rogue replaced the original, which some believe is "The One True Rogue". No matter who he's with, he's always willing to dish out some punishment to the guys, and "talk bidness" with the ladies. Four women have succumbed to his charms: Michael Wackson's Mad Onna, Friar "Buck"'s Gratuitous Tina, Presto Cadabra's lovely assistant Janice, and the A$$Whupper's girl, Mama. But that was then. Only Gratuitous Tina is still with him, and he's since dumped everyone else for his Candygirls from outside the fed: Miss Chlamydia, Sunshine the Stewardess, and Gordita. But he's always looking for girls to ... what was his phrase? "Turn out"? What's that mean? Oh yeah, he wants to win matches, too, we guess.

Height: 6'4"
Weight: 266.5 lbs
Hometown: Parts Unknown
Music: "Insane in the Brain" by Cypress Hill
Manager: none, but sometimes accompanied by the Wheelbarrow Man, or Hack, the coughing man made of sand
Finisher: The Hideous Finger Bite
Past History and Backstory: Nobody really knows who he is or where he came from. (We're not even sure if he was born of humans...) All we know is that when he's in the ring, everyone better watch out. He's mad, but at least he's comically mad and not criminally insane. Enjoys drinking sulphuric acid and biting fingers (his own, or others') and spends most of his time in the loonybin. As one of the founding members of the Asylum Alliance, ThatGuy proves that madness truly is a dish best served with peas (whatever that means). A fan favourite, ThatGuy is best known for his catchphrases: "Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" and "You're Not Safe!" We sure aren't.

Tiger, The
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 253 lbs.
Hometown: Richmond, Virginia
Costume: Royal blue shorts, "Tiger" in orange on sides. He wears a leather jacket outside of the ring.
Music: "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor(surprise!)
Finisher: "The Tiger Rack", a variation on the Torture Rack (the difference is the name)
Past History and Backstory: Known as much for his interviews and mic skill as his wrestling talent, the Tiger is a charismatic performer, who has a high workrate. He claims to be a true professional and honours the traditions of the business, and always takes time out for his fans. His laid-back approach to his comments and interviews tends to frustrate many. The Inner Circle all share this laid-back mentality. Together, the Inner Circle form a most interesting group - simply allied, never really interfering unless there's trouble from the other side. His football background gives him brawling experience, but he has technical skills as well. Those skills led him to the North American championship - twice! And of course, we've got to say this...he's the first Intergalactic champion in the STWF, and probably anywhere else. NOBODY can take that title away from him.

Très Sheik
Height: 6'1"
Weight: 234 lbs.
Hometown: Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates
Costume: Glitter Nehru Jacket, Sequined Turban, always brings a hookah to the ring that he smokes
Music: "Supermodel", played on a sitar and tabla
Finisher: The Camel Clutch
Manager: The New Rogue
Past History and Backstory: Introduced to the wrestling world by the New Rogue, Sheik combines two tried-and-true wrestling clichés in the pretty-boy and the Arab. Successfully, we might add. Under the New Rogue's guidance, anything can happen when Très Sheik's around. His perfume, "Eau de Camelle", has blinded more than one wrestler here, and created nausea in about ten times more. Très Sheik obtained the ICCTINACBBIC belt. Now that's a fashion statement he can be proud of. But make no mistake, Sheik is a force to be reckoned with, and it is our opinion that Sheik perhaps has the best style of all wrestlers in the STWF today.

Violent Pacifist, the
Height: 6'10"
Weight: 330 lbs.
Hometown: Seattle, Washington
Costume: Long-sleeved button-down shirt, black combat boots and big black gloves
Music: "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails
Finisher: the Nine Inch Nailer, yet another kneeling piledriver off the top rope
Past History and Backstory: Yet another walking contradiction in this federation, the Violent Pacifist tries to keep his rage on a short leash. He abhors violence, but sees a need to use it anyway. We have no clue if he has multiple personalities, but he seems like a great guy when he's not pounding someone's face in. Always the mediator, he stops brawls when he can (which makes him less popular with the crowd). In the words of someone close to him, "Very strong, mobile, and agile, but doesn't know his own limits." That's deep.

Height: 6'1"
Weight: 281 lbs.
Hometown: Androscoggin County, Maine
Costume: Tight silver tube top, jeanshorts
Music: "You Could Have Been a Lady" by April Wine
Finisher: The Viragonator, a top-rope atomic drop
Past History and Backstory: Virago was almost instantly signed by Der Kommissaar after seeing her riding a mechanical bull in a bar. She was then assigned DK's "personal enforcer" to clean up the deadwood. Soon after she was released as a freelance face. Despite her cue-ball sized Adam's apple and her stubble, she's all woman and she's not afraid to prove it. Not that anyone wants her to prove it, obviously.

Warm, Luke
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 255 lbs.
Hometown: Bumbledink, Texas
Costume: Jeanshorts and not much else. No hair, goatee (hmmm....familiar, but I can't place where)
Music: None per se, just the sounds of a lot of stuff breaking
Finisher: The Stonecutter, a move whereby he grabs the opponent's head, and the opponent drops (must be a nerve-hold), and Regis Philbin's nose bleeds halfway around the world (???)
Past History and Backstory: Luke Warm was born into a family of ranchhands in rural Texas (THIS IS NOT TO SAY HE'S A COWBOY). Often sickly as a boy, he was stricken by polio at age nine. Prolific as the Warm family was, by this time Luke also had three younger sisters. Taking advantage of the fact that their older brother was a sickly wisp of a lad, the three girls - Heather, Brianne and Phil - did as any siblings would do: beat Luke violently and frequently.
Adolescence was a magical time for Luke in ways he refuses to speak about, but will tell you that his frequent beatings made him more brutish. Now he's in the STWF to prove to everyone he's tough after all. Luke Warm is kickin' names and, wait. Forget it.

Height: 5'8"
Weight: 150 lbs.
Hometown: Parts Frozen Over
Costume: Black sleeveless gi, black bandanna, no pants. Woodstock, it should be noted at this point, is a snowman.
Music: The theme from "Peanuts"
Finisher: The Whiteout, a 450 splash
Past History and Backstory: Woodstock is a fighting snowman. Having no legs, he can't fight very well (cf. Rimshot) but he tries.

Tag Teams, in quasi-alphabetical order

Ambulance Jockeys, the
Members: Garry "the Gurney" Greene and Barry "the Backboard" Brown
Combined weight: 475 lbs.
Hometowns: Greensboro and Brown Summit, NC, respectively
Costume: Green hospital scrubs, black military jump boots and gloves. Barry wears a doctors' mask but removes it before entering the ring.
Music: The theme song from E.R.
Manager: Nurse Heidi
Finisher: The Mass Casualty, diving headbutts from opposite corners
Past History and Backstory: Tired of living the lowlife as underpaid paramedics, Garry and Barry decided they can make more money in the STWF. They are as likely to hurt someone as they are to patch him up, considering their part-time role as EMTs here. They're new to the wrestling scene, as shown by Barry's continued handling of the manual "How YOU can Get Into the Exciting World of Professional Wrestling." But will their love for Nurse Heidi go unrequited? Can they co-exist as they vie for her favour? Will she care, as she loves Italian plastic surgeon/wrestler Sillaconne M. Plants? All questions for the future, which looks bright for these young medics.

Agency, the
Members: Agents Sculder and Mully
Combined Weight: 466 pounds
Hometown: Parts Classified
Costume: Black Suits and sunglasses.. VERY black...
Music: "Sculder and Mully" (A reworking of Mulder and Scully" by Catatonia)
Finisher: "The Cover-Up" (a move nobody can remember upon seeing it)
Past History and Backstory: Most of the details of these two shadowy figures has been classified, but their involvement on something known as "The X-tra Files" is rumored. Since their appearance in the STWF, ostensibly to "Investigate" the strage denziens that inhabit the Ivory Tower, they at first amassed a wicked losing streak, then suddenly became champions by fluke. That's the STWF for you!

Black By Popular Demand
Members: Tyrone Mayhem and Jamal Tupac Mustafa
Combined Weight: 470 lbs.
Hometown: the Manhattan Projects
Costume: Tyrone, see above. Jamal wears a brown loincloth.
Music: "Paint it Black" by the Doors
Finisher: the Blackdown, a double standing sidekick on either side of the opponent's head
Past History and B(l)ackstory: Members in good standing of Faces, Inc., Tyrone Mayhem and announcer Jamal Tupac Mustafa have joined forces to represent and show everyone that nobody can keep the bruthas down. Um... or something like that. This team does not compete that actively while Tyrone is in serious contention for the ICCTINACBBIC belt, but when he slips away, you can be sure that BBPD will be back in black.

Czech Plees
Members: Jan and Bretislav Plee
Combined Weight: 431 lbs.
Hometown: the Czech Republic (like we know which town)
Costume: Bright blue trunks, occasionally seen with their Czech Plees burlap T-shirts
Music: "The Plzener Polka", accordion by Franz Plee and Walter Ostanek
Finisher: the Czech-out, a rocket-launched diving headbutt
Past History and Backstory: Plee brothers Jan and Bretislav came to this federation looking for a good job to feed their families. DK, quick to exploit, is now paying them peanuts and they think they've made it big. Their love for beer, which they call "plzener" (pilsner, we say), is their driving force, but they never show up drunk to the ring. A little gullible, a little silly, a lot STWF, Czech Plees fill out the tag ranks nicely. Or maybe I just need my head Czeched.

Head Trauma Boys, the
Members: Flatline (DJ Uhhh) and Coma (the Breakdance Inferno)
Combined Weight: 502 lbs.
Hometown: Flatline is from Akron, Ohio. Coma is from Parts Forgotten, although England is the best guess he's made.
Costume: Jeans and T-shirts mainly, although Coma does have a tendency to wear anything imaginable.. the Roman-Centurion-in-a-Tutu look is especially memorable.
Music: A Ramones Medley
Finisher: The Severe Tire Damage (Flatline superplexes Coma off the ropes onto a prone opponent.)
Past History and Backstory: Previously known as "The Party Boyz", Flatline and Coma never really recovered from a Pennsylvania Street Fight match involving chairs, tables, a kitchen sink, three toast-and-grill ovens and a lead-filled sink plunger. A week later Coma began wearing live chickens as a fashion accessory and Flatline accidently pinned himself, and so the HTB's were born. Their brightest moment occured at Supercard IV, where they captured the "3-4-1" Tag Team belts. Their glorious eight-day reign ended at MNT 59. Since then, Coma has re-emerged as "The Breakdance Inferno" and won the Undefendable Belt. Flatline, quick to follow, is DJ Uhhh...and he's done little of anything. Can these members of the Insane Claude Posse get their status back? The magic 8-ball says "Poink!" Go figure.

Sickly Brothers, the
Members: Scotty the Snotty and Rick the Groggy-Faced Gremlin
Combined Weight: 528 lbs.
Hometown: Mt. Assiniboine, British Columbia
Costume: Stained hospital-green pants, Rick has a neck brace, and Scotty wears bandages for elbow pads. Scotty also wears a respirator on a necklace.
Music: "Somebody's Gonna Feel This" by Kid Rock
Finishers: The IV Line, the Antibiotic Elbow, and the Frankensickly hurricanrana
Past History and Backstory: Dominant in indy feds for quite some time, the Sickly Brothers are attempting fame in higher feds - they've tried others, but their absenteeism is unmarketable and they tend to spread disease pretty viciously. Will they shrivel and die here, or will their popularity become contagious?

Total Annihilators, the
Members: Carnage and Stalker
Combined Weight: 610 lbs.
Manager: Strep, named by the fed collective in the "name the TAS manager" contest
(see individual wrestlers for other bio info)
Past History and Backstory: Briefly, these guys are big for tag teams here in the STWF, and they're past champs. So I guess that means they're pretty damn good. Need we say more? I didn't think so!

Were you left off the bios list? Any false information? Anything I need to add? Let me know.
(c) 2000 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre