Thursday Something Or Other #2

( Here we go again, the Brand New Thursday Something or Other theme song is belting out of the speakers, and the Thursday Something or Other Girls are shaking their money-makers in the ring. The two sparkler guys are doing their thing, all is well in the Chinook Dome.) Speaking of which, we have some footage of earlier tonight.
Picture of Claude Leroux with a jug of coffee in one hand, and the other hand is busy trying to keep those eyelids open. Those raccoon eyes are especially attractive, but that line of drool down one side of his face isn't too pleasant.
Meanwhile, in some emergency room somewhere, is Dr. Sillacone M. Plants. He's using the hustle and bustle of the big city ER to keep awake, and hitting on the various nurses that are supposed to be fixing people. He has that bright-eyed look of somebody who's about to hit the wall, but still looks a bit fresher than Claude.)
Here we go folks, for the second edition of Thursday Something Or Other. Joining me here tonight for his debut on a Thursday is Gary the Glutton Gormando.
Hey McMadden, what's the deal with this day early crap? Dragging me out of bed at 3:30 this afternoon, I thought I had another day to sleep.
I don't want to have to go though that again. While Gary clears the cobwebs from his brain, if that's possible, I'll run down the lineup for tonights card. First up tonight we've got old man Jeffrey Steingold taking on Très Sheik. On deck there' s Big Buck Johanson who will battle the always interesting Arnold...
Hey, I remember that kid, "what you talking 'bout Willis", that little shrimp always cracked me up, is the Ratings Flock making a comeback or something.
No, and please don't mention that little experiment again. This Arnold is the guy who has a split personality or something. After that big battle, we've got a No-Furniture match. That means chairs are out, but I guess they can still use ring-bells, for klifts, ladders, bricks, or whatever, no tables either I guess. The two brave souls who will fight in this one are, drum roll please, maestro....ah here we go, it's going to be Lenny "the Force" Baxter trying to avoid grinding the Organ Grinder. I hop e he doesn't show us his monkey. Finally, tonight's big main event will be Claude Leroux vs. Dr Sillacone M. Plants, hopefully they'll still be awake.
I hear that Claude has a guy with him who jabs a hockey stick in a very sensitive area everytime he shuts his eyes. Dr. Plants at last check was seen with a nurse on break, engaging in a workout of some sort, kind of like when me a nd Girl Friday...
But we'll have to follow that later, because to start things off, it's Jeffrey Steingold vs. Très Sheik!
(Rogue's Gallery theme music is cued.)
They're getting a jump on things...
Hello, you insignificant Eskimo rednecks...or redfaces! (boos) Tonight, there was a grievous error made. The Right Hand Man is forcing the Exorbitant Arab to fight this old Jewish guy before he even gets a shot at douja! And this is just plain wrong. So I've decided to fix things up a little. I still have executive power and I need to flaunt it! Ha-LA!
(boos)
Steingold, get your wrinkled butt out here. You're going to take on Col. "Pops" Khorne. Sheik here is taking on douja next week on Nae Trous, and WHEN he wins, he'll defend it right away if you can defeat the Colonel...like THAT'S likely.
Très Sheik: That iz correct. Nobody here iz worthy to see my wonderful body in action tonight. But next week, I will show the world just why they call me the Sultan of Sweet, with the emphasis on Sultan. (sprays himself with Eau de Camelle. He leaves and the Rogue exits the ring. More boos.)
Okay...this match is scheduled for one fall. Making his way first, the Lone Wolf Blintzer, no longer representing Grampa's Old Boys, weighing 113 lbs., JEFFREY STEINGOLD!
("The Dreidel Song" plays. Jeffrey enters the ring and waits.)
His opponent, representing the Rogue's Gallery, from St. Louis, Missouri, the nastiest popcorn vendor this side of Vietnam, COLONEL "POPS" KHORNE!
Voiceover: I give you a crack, and leave you with jack!
(The acid rock "Pop Goes the Weasel" plays. Khorne rushes the ring.)
***bell rings.
Jeffrey puts a kneelift to Khorne. And sends him right back down with a Face Crusher. He fistdrops the back of the Colonel.
Mind if I sit in for a match? I just want to see how Jeffrey does without us.
As long as you don't interfere, it's fine.
Steingold looking great considering what he went through.
What do ya mean, Cap?
Didn't you see my special episode of the Twilight Zone on Wide World Wrestling? Where I tried to mend the Chosen Ones back together, but Irving superkicked Jeffrey through a plate glass window?
Are you sure about that, Cap? Sounds like you're mixing it up with something else.
Pretty sure, but now I'm having my doubts...
Khorne mounting some offense here. He whips Steingold into the buckle. "Pops" goes into a three-point stance.
What? Oh, MAN, no wonder they're heels.
Big arm lands right in Jeffrey's face. Jeffrey crumples. No, wait, small package by the Lone Wolf Blintzer! 1...2...so close.
Them Jews are crafty.
Watch what you say, people can read racial comments into anything.
Khorne with a dropkick that sends Steingold right back to the ropes. Colonel with a big reverse knife-edge chop, and look at Jeffrey's "old man breasts" jiggle!

I'm warning you! I'll put a rating on this program, I swear!

That comment was uncalled for, Vince. Gary, do I have "old man breasts"? Be honest.
Man, I don't even want to LOOK at you now! Thanks for the mental picture, Vince!(slaps McMadden upside the head)
Ow! Since when did I become the comedy relief? And why are you getting the opinion of the guy with the biggest breasts in the STWF?! Khorne taking the upper hand. He's grabbing Jeffrey's curls, until he realizes they're only attached to his hat! Khorne pulls off the hat and gapes in surprise! Jeffrey slaps on a Torah-nado DDT! And this one very well could be over! 1....2...................
.........
3! Okay then. I think our ref got distracted for a moment.
I would be too if I had to see what the Creepy Timekeeper's doing.
(cut to the Creepy Timekeeper, who is stirring a mug of chocolate milk with a penknife and then licking it off.)
Did you know he never actually sips the milk? He takes it a penknife at a time!
Why are you even payin' attention to him? He's f<-BLEEP->ing sick!
The winner of this match, JEFFREY STEINGOLD AND FOR PETE'S SAKE JUST DRINK THE DAMN MILK!
So I guess this means that Steingold will get a title shot contingent upon Très Sheik's win over douja next week. And if the Sheik doesn't...oh well. Let's see what our fine Announcer Lad has to say about our next match of the night.
Okay, thanks, I should go now. And I have to discuss some things with my stable.
OK well, that was exciting, lets see if the Antlered One and Arnold can provide us with some decent entertainment.
Now introducing Big Buck Johanson. Let's see, he's from Milwaukee...guess he drinks a lot, which explains the antlers on his head. (the crowd pops as Buck shows off his "Rack")
Here we've got Arnold, or is it Walter, I never can tell. Grampa is back, did he ever leave, I don't think so. Old Arnold is 387 meaty pounds, (crowd shrugs, tosses some stuff at him just for something to do.)
OK here we go. Now this is a very interesting match. I think these two brawlers are going to fight until they've got no more fight left. This will be one of our most technical matches ever, and these two high-flyers are going to show Superman how its done. What is your analysis of this match, Gary?
I think that Buck is going to stick those antlers so far up Arnold's.....
Why do I talk to you? Arnold wants the test-o'-strength from Buck. And gets it, Buck is forcing him down, Arnold's face is practically on the mat. Oh my goodness, wicked comeback by Arnold, now he kicks Buck in the lower abdominal area. Arnold gets B uck in a headlock; he's hitting him in the face, with those big fat fists of his.
This is pretty mint! Now Arnold whips Buck into the ropes, and Buck rebounds, Arnold with the hiptoss. Buck, wake up buddy, you ain't up in Milwaukee no more.
Arnold with the cover. 1..2..kickout. Both men are back up and exchanging blow for blow.
Buck goes to kick Arnold, Arnie catches it, but he forgot...enzuigiri, or something. Arnold falls on his face. Buck grabs him by the hair and swings him into the ropes. He picks up Arnold and powerslams him into the turnbuckle. Looks like that move, called the Buckshot has finished off Arnold.
Grampa doesn't look too happy, he just slapped Arnold's head, and is walking away with that silver cane of his. Looks like he's sick of the wheelchair.
Here is your winner by pinfall, Big Buck Johanson.
OK we've got no sponsors for this stup..., great show yet, so here we go with the "No furniture match".
You mean we've got to actually watch these guys wrestle, what a novel idea.
Currently in the ring, playing with his monkey, is the Organ Grinder.
Now coming out of the back, weighing in at 190 pounds, and from the thriving metropolis of Kichener, Ontario, its Lenny "the Force" Baxter. (the crowd looking on, wondering if it will happen this time, will "the Force" work? Will the Organ Grinders head actually explode in front of hundreds...well dozens of witnesses...another Thursday first?)
OK, Baxter is in the ring, he's going for the Head Explody right away, and no, Organ Grinder gives him a nice rake to the eyes, disturbing Baxter's amazing concentration.
I swear I saw the Grinder's head expand there for a second, granted Mr. Dressup...I mean the Organ Grinder has a big head, but I think we're gonna see it explode, I hope I don't get any on me, that would be disgusting. Wait a second....ahhh.
What are you talking about? Oh god, that smells worse than that time we were holed up in the Cowpie Palace!!
Yeah, I bet you were wondering why I didn't burp today...I was saving up that chili just for you and this fine crowd.

This card has been rated TV-PG, not the normal TV-14, because of tasteless scatological humour that's not exactly terrible enough to warrant TV-14.

Well looks like Baxter has got the Grinder up high in the vertical suplex, and down he goes.
Let me say this one more time, you are a BLOODY PIG. Now Baxter is going up top, he lands on top of the Organ Grinder for a split-leg moonsault, and makes the cover. 1...2..., no a kickout at the last second. Baxter is frustrated, he goes out to get a chair, but the ref is warning him off. Now he goes to the stairs, and the ref nods, but starts counting. Baxter hauls the stairs into the ring, and starts pounding on the Grinder with them. He tosses them aside and makes the cover again. 1...2..., no another kickout.
Looks like Baxter is getting pretty upset out there. He locks in the deathstare again, and looks at the Organ Grinder. Organ Grinder is up...sees "The Force" staring at him again, and prepares to kick some <-BLEEP->.
Organ Grinder is scratching his head, trying to figure out what move to make to get rid of this disturbed young man. He's staring at his hand, looks like there's some blood on it. Wow, he just screamed like a teenaged girl and fainted.
Baxter is in there for the cover. He rolls the rag doll over and 1...2...3. It's all over.
Lenny Baxter: I knew it worked...they all thought I was crazy, another two seconds and his head would have blew to pieces, Ha Ha Ha. The winner of this match.....Lenny "the Force" Baxter!
Wow, he has eerie powers. Anyway, up next we have a real yawner for you folks, for the participants that is. How long would you say these two have been awake for now Gary?
How the heck should I know? It's got to be what, a hundred hours now something like that. Don't ask me I've never been awake for more than about ten, unless I'm really hungry that is.
Now stumbling blindly down the ramp, weighing in at 241 pounds, and from Moosebut, British Columbia, Canada. Claude "Lightning Fingers" Leroux.
Hmm, another Canadian, will the horror ever stop?
Don't interrupt me you fat piece of trash. Here we've got a real-life doctor coming down to the ring...not like one of those cheap, imitation doctors you blow up like a balloon. Anyway, he's accompanied to the ring by the foxy Nurse Heidi, and weighs in at 240 pounds. From Nip...err Naples, Italy, its Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants. (boos for the Dr. and shouts of undying love for the Nurse. Dr. Plants doesn't seem to know where he's going, and Heidi places his hand on a familiar place so that he'll follow her to the ring.)
Let's get ready to GOOOOO. Both men are circling each other, looking just a bit unsteady. Plants turns an ankle and goes down hard, Claude doesn't notice and continues to circle, and trips over Plants. Both men are down, and is that the sound of sawing logs I hear?
Don't worry I'll get them up.
Gary's getting out of his seat, this isn't an event I see too often. The fatman is climbing into the ring, he bends over the two semi-awake participants of this huge battle. A loud trumpeting sound startles the two combatents into action. As Gary gets out of the ring, Dr. Plants begins retching, and Leroux holds his nose.

I don't know...I guess I can tack a "D" on to that TV-PG rating...

Seeing Plants bent over, he grabs him by the neck and Bulldogs him across the ring. Dr. Plants is trying to get to his feet after that, and Leroux waits for him to do just that. As the Dr. gains his knees, Leroux gets sick of waiting and DDT's him. Now Leroux rolls the Plants over and the ref counts. 1...2..., kickout.
Those two won't be going to sleep for a while. That smell sticks to you, just like a skunk. Looks like Plants is getting behind the confused Leroux, and what's this...a sleeper, it might actually work!
Leroux is going off to the land of Nod. The ref raises his hand. Once...Twice...Thr....and no there's still some life there. Leroux elbows Plants in the gut, runs to the ropes, dives right though them and out onto the floor. He's saying something abou t a nice warm bed. There's a nice girl right there to share his bed, too bad she's kicking him in the face. Plants is going outside. He grabs Leroux by the hair and tosses him into the ring. Looks like this Dr. really is used to those long shifts at the Clinic.
Yup, there's a long line of Hollywood celebs who are always calling in for those 3 am boob jobs.
Hmm, you said boob, very bad.

Not bad ENOUGH though. The low rating stays.

Well Leroux is sitting in the ring, looking up at the refreshed Dr. M. Plants. It looks like we're about to see the Breast Implant preformed. Oh no, here comes Luke Warm behind Plants, are we going to see yet another version of the Stonecutter? Luke Warm rubs his hands in anticipation, putting a finger to his lips to silent the crowd, who scream all the louder. He puts his hand up beside Plants' head and snaps his fingers. The Dr. tumbles down and lands flat on his back. Just as he lands, Leroux also goes off to sleep, his head using Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants chest for a pillow. 1...2...3. This one is done folks. And not a second too soon.
Here is your winner, Claude "Lightning Fingers" Leroux!
The ref just tried to raise Claude's arm, but he turned over and gave Dr. Plants a hug. Awww isn't that sweet?
No actually, it's pretty disturbing, and Heidi actually looks a little jealous. Anyway, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden saying goodnight, and one other thing. Look out Pops, I've got names and I've got numbers, so just watch what you say. This is one Scotsman you don't wanna mess with. See you all next Thursday laddies and lasses, for the next Something-or-Other. Or something.
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre