(Various sparklers go off, a couple of cherry bombs do their thing, some
crappy music plays, and we're ready to go.)
Hi there, wrestling fans here, there, and over there too. We love ya, and
to reward you for your support, we're here to bring you yet another
half-rate card, which will solve the age old mystery of....
What I ate for breakfast???BRAAAAP
Mmm...onion.
No, actually I was just rambling. With me, as much as we'd like to get rid
of him, but we can't get anyone else to do this gig tonight, is your pal
and sort-of-mine, Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando. Tonight we've got some
pretty good matchups, well a couple anyway, and one that sucks, but I'll
let you, the fan(s) guess which one.
Introducing first, from parts he's forgotten,
weighing in at 245 pounds, it's douja!
(the crowd boos loudly as the
dopehead stumbles out, a cloud of smoke following him down to the
ring.)
And now, making his return to the STWF, from Bumbledink Texas,
he's......(drowned out as the sound of stuff breaking is heard, and the
crowd pops huge as the bald-headed Luke-hoo drinking, son-of-a-b comes
out, running into the ring and)
That's enough commentating from you tonight, Laddie. Luke Warm is in
there, on top of douja's chest, pounding away. Luke grabs a handful of
douja's hair, brings him to his feet, and promptly plants an elbow on his
head. Luke off the ropes and plants one leg across douja's chest, ooops,
he missed, make that one buttock across douja's face. Showing a little
bit of ring rust in there.
Yuck, that's disgusting. Who knows where douja's
face has been?
Hey, don't look at me. I'm not rating
that.
douja trying to make a comeback, he's up, with a rake to the eyes of
Luke - what a dirty tactic - and Luke brings his head down, and douja with
the scissor-kick. Luke down on the mat, breathing hard. douja looks to
capitalize, but he fumbles in his pants, bringing out........, what looks
like a roll of leaves. He lights it up with a lighter, that's quickly
tossed into the crowd. douja takes a drag, and looks all relaxed.
Hope the kid gets over here, I'd like to take a
whiff of that stuff he's smoking, might make the evening with you even a
little bit interesting. Oh oh, looks like Luke has recovered a little
bit.
Luke with the kick to the midsection of a surprised douja, the "roll of
leaves" goes into the crowd, landing in the hands of a ten year old kid.
Another recruit...for a possible STWF future! We take all kinds! Sign
up today to the Image Factory, kids, and we'll suit you up with a
gimmick that'll put the Mystery Men to shame! Enough plugging, cause right
now it's Stonecutter time...he hits it, and Regis is running for the snot
rags as we speak! OH MY GOD!
Here comes trouble.
Right you are, here comes Sergeant Genocide himself. The Top Rung, the
Size-Fourteen-Heel, the Ukranian Ethnic-Cleansing Machine! He climbs into
the ring and tries to hit Luke, but Warm sees him first...
<Joey Styles riff>
and delivers yet another
Stonecutter......STONECUTTER.....STONEEEEECUTTERRRRRRR! OHHH MY
GOOOOOOOD!
</Joey Styles riff>
Hey, that was cool, how did you put those HTML tags
in there?
What are you talking about? I didn't say anything about HTML.
Luke climbs on douja, who's currently out in dreamland, hooks the leg.
1...2...3. Luke is back, again. But for how long?
*ominous incidental music from nowhere*
The winner of this match, by pinf....(drowned out by
the crowd)..............Warm.
Was that supposed to be one of the good
ones?
Shut up, Gary. Now we've got an important match. Here's a hint, it will
be the first title defense for.........The Mad Cow, what did you expect?
Currently in the ring, weighing in at 238 lbs, from,
ugh, Newark, it's Necro Phil. ("Last Dance with Mary Jane" plays, as the
crowd looks on and points, they know how Phil spends his spare time.
Examining corpses! Get your minds out of the gutter, people, please.)
And now, from Calgary, Alberta, Canada...
Crowd member full of hope: Is it Bret Hart, is it?
Ahem! Weighing in at 350 lbs., accompanied by the always beautiful Madame
Bovine (Moooooo), it's Your North American Champion, The Mad Cow. (The
Cowboy Song plays, as the Mad Cow comes out to another round of Mooo's.
The Ref presents the Belt to the audience, only turning in one direction
for some reason, and we're underway.)
The two men, if they can be called that, lock up, and the Cow easily
overpowers Phil, tossing him into the corner. Mad Cow with a head of
steam, and he runs right into the foot of Necro Phil.
Ummmm, look at the puppies, oh yes, puppies,
yes.
You do realise that Madame Bovine is really a cow, don't you?
Yeah, but think of the burgers, the steaks, ice
cream, ummmmm, so hungry, so very very hungry. Hey, is that a
pinfall?
2.......3 and we have a new champion......no we don't! Phil complaining
at the slow count, promising to do all sorts of nasty things to the ref's
dead mother, and the Mad Cow takes the advantage with a Moonsault, Phil
tries to catch the Cow in midair, with predictable results. Ref counts,
1.2., Phil with the shoulder up. Now Mad Cow with the chinlock, trying
to catch his breath.
I think I'll go get myself a snack while this boring
part happens.
Minutes pass, and Necro Phil looks like he's in horrific pain, looks like
Mad Cow is trying to turn that into a choke hold, but Phil's legs drum on
the mat, and the ref tells Cow to let go.
Did I miss anything? BRAAAAAAP
Nope, hey, what happened to Madame Bovine? Phil with the elbow to Cow's
belly, and with a final woosh of air the Mad Cow lets go. Phil with the
double axehandle across his back, and the Cow goes down to his knees.
Phil with the DDT, and rolls the Cow over, could we see the Toxicology?
Nope, Cow reaches up with one big hoof, hoofs Phil
around the neck, stands all the way up, and chokeslams him to the
mat.
Here's the Bull Rush, and it's all over. Or IS it? 1...2...3. Yeah, it
is.
Here is your winner, and STILL North American
Champion, The Mad Cow. Like there was a doubt maybe? Phil's not
ranked...duh.
As the Mad Cow looks for his lady, we'll break for some
commercials.
Remember that song, Monster Mash? Neither do I. But apparently, that's
how DK in his infinite knowledge of useless crap came up with the name
Monster Bash. This is the highlight of every October. All those crazy
acid vat, thumbtack, electric ring rope matches that you've been waiting
to see...they won't be here, but all the other weird shiznat WILL! And all
packed into one night. Pick a fight with someone soon, then invent the
stupidest match you can think of. Moving Bus match??? Come on we can get
stupider than that can't we?
Monster Bash, it's coming soon.
Now for ten minutes of pointless crap, you know, lets hype the upcoming
house shows. Get ready Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, for the STWF is coming to
your local arena, get your tickets fast, because what else is there to do
in Saskatoon? Everybody in Gander, Newfoundland had better get a gander
at the best thing in wrestling today, the STWF. Come on down, bring all
the relatives, and do it quick. Get ready Intercourse, Pennsylvania,
because the STWF just couldn't pass up the chance to say Intercourse.
We've got lots of tickets available, because what else is there to do in
Intercourse, except watch the stars of the STWF battle it out. What you
do after is not our affair.
Ahhh, look at that fine bit of.....and we're back.
Snicker, you got caught no pants on.
Of course I did, I'm wearing my kilt, I thought it was Monday, excuse me
for living. But here we go with yet another title defense, did I tell ya
this was gonna be good or what?
Now entering the ring area, weighing in at 115
pounds, accompanied by Bait and Switch, of the Techie Salesmen from Hell,
it's the Pencil Necked Geek. ( Beer Barrel Polka plays, as the skinniest
guy in wrestling comes out, head down. Crowd boos at the heel; well,
you're a heel, don't come crying to me.)
And from Kitchener, Ontario Canada, weighing in at 190 pounds, and your
ICCTINACBBIC Champion, it's Lenny "The Force" Baxter. (Collective hmmm
from the crowd as the master of the head explody, and now the head
implody, comes out.)
Lenny locks up with the tiny PNG, driving him to his knees within
moments. I hope PNG still has some brains left after losing to that
Commodore 64 because he's going to need something to pull this off.
He doesn't need brains, look who he's got at
ringside, that's a lot of muscle, of course if he brings them in, there
goes the title.
Ah yes, but the Mad Force clan is around here somewhere. Lenny with the
back body drop on Carl, I mean PNG and now with the rollup, 1..2.., and
PNG kicks out. A bit too early for a cover. Now PNG with a bit of
offense coming off the ropes, going for the clothes-line, but Lenny
shakes it off with a laugh. Now Lenny goes for the same move, but Bait
trips him up, PNG on Lenny with rights and lefts, but to little result,
as Lenny throws the smaller man off him with ease.
I got to tell you, PNG just doesn't look the same
in there. I've fought him before, he was pretty smart back then, but now
he's looking like he's lost his smile, or at least lost his marbles.
Losing to that machine has really rattled the little puke, oh well, who
needs him anyway? Oh, and one other thing...Carl? You mean
Sagan? BRAAAAAAP!
If I didn't know you better, I'd say you almost miss the old PNG. I know
I do, this is almost painful to watch. Lenny with the head butt, and a
punch to PNG's melon. Now he stands back and stares at PNG, bringing his
hands out in front, miming the head crusher or something. Now he's got
his thumb and finger in front of the PNG's face, and he's squinting. He's
trying a different methodology.
Lenny "the Force" Baxter: Iiii CRUSH you! I crush your puny
head!
PNG just stands there, smirk on his face, and comes after Lenny once
again. Lenny catches him, brings him up into a vertical suplex, landing
on PNG's chest. 1...2....3!
I don't think that Bait and Switch can believe it,
they didn't exactly help too much, they might be turning back into the
dumb goons they were before the Pencil Necked Geek came along, and turned
them into subsuperstars.
Here is your winner, and STILLLLL ICCTINACBBIC
champion, Lenny "The Force" Baxter! (Lenny shakes the ref's hand off,
stands back and attempts to head Implody him. The ref turns away, and
Lenny leaves in frustration.)
Okay, let's see what we've got lined up for the main event here. (ruffles
papers around trying to sound like he's just figuring it out now) Hmmm,
let's make it title defence number three, shall we?
The Tiger's not gonna be happy about rasslin' on a
Thursday. That man's ego is bigger'n my gut.
That's one big ego, then. Now who have we got in the back there who's been
wanting a shot at the Intergalactic Belt. Let's see, the first ranked
Heavyweight to get out here will get a shot.
Camera shot of the locker area, actually just
outside the bathroom. Inside you can here a muffled murmur, followed by
the sound of a flushing toilet. Then a lumbering Beanie capped
induhvidual runs by.
(Twinkle, Twinkle little star belts out of the speakers, and we hear a
loud "AWWWWW, SH<-BLEEP->" coming from the bathroom.)
Mittens looks ready to go, now we're awaiting the arrival of the
Intergalactic Champion, he's supposed to have the night off tonight, but
too bad.
(Intergalactic, by the Beastie Boys plays, and out
comes the Tiger, obviously not ready.) OK folks, here's your
Intergalactic Champion, the Tiger. As if you didn't already
know.
In this very ring, tonight, on a Thursday. Mittens vs. the Tiger. Can it
get any better than THIS?
Uh, yeah, like it could be a lot better. I mean, if
you had waited five more minutes then....
Can't wait, Mittens is obviously the most deserving wrestler to get this
title shot, despite the whining from the back. And I'm only saying what
Mr. D.K. told me to, so don't come out here beating me up. Mittens and
Tiger lock up, Mittens with the armbar on the champion. He pushes the
Tiger into the turnbuckle, and rumbles in there with a avalanche,
crushing the Tiger. He falls to the mat, and Mittens with the cover.
1..2..and the Tiger kicks out. Mittens slingshots Tiger into the ropes,
goes for a huge dropkick, but Tiger holds onto the ropes, and Mittens
goes down with a crash.
Looks like Mittens is gonna have some kittens when
he sees what's coming next.
Alright, Glutton, hand over that "Big Book of ESPN Sportcenter
Catchphrases" and let us never speak of that last line again.
Ohhhh, but I paid fifteen bucks for this!
(Angus snatches the book, then idly leafs through it and writes
something down before putting it away.)
Tiger climbs up to the top turnbuckle, and drops an elbow on the prone
Mittens. Lateral press. 1..2.. and Mittens brings up a shoulder. He's
still in this thing. Mittens is getting back up. Tiger tries kicking
the big fellow in his ample stomach, but Mittens catches the booted foot.
Mittens all the way up, and the Tiger again levels Mittens with an
enzuirigiri. Looks like it could be time for a Tiger Rack.
Not if these guys have anything to say about it.
It's the Heelside Stranglers, SMP and Soft Core Zack, coming down to the
ring together, I never thought I'd live long enough to see that.
Me neither, you should have eaten yourself to death years ago. SMP and
Zack are right at ringside, and the Tiger is exchanging witty remarks
with the two of them. Mittens takes advantage, whips the distracted
Tiger around, and Powerbombs him onto the mat! Oh no... Mittens with the
Glove, could this be the quick end of the Tiger's illustrious reign?
(Sound of stuff breaking is heard.)
It's Luke Warm everybody! Luke Warm is IN DA FACIZILITY! Coming down to
the ring, SMP meets him, STONECUTTER! Luke Warm in the ring, STONECUTTER
on the ref! Mittens up, STONECUTTER on him! Now SMP and Soft Core Zack
are in the ring, beating on Luke Warm. Tiger is getting up, little bit
unsteady on that twisted leg of his.
Uh-oh, here comes trouble. It's
Bohemoth.
Bohemoth hits the ring, and......plays peacemaker???? This is a first.
Bo is in between the two groups, not a very smart thing to do at this
point. He puts a hand on S.M.P.'s chest, trying to talk some sense into
him, on the other side, Tiger and Luke Warm are panting heavily. Mittens
is back up, he sees Bohemoth's back turned, and double axehandles him.
Mittens out of the ring and heading for the hills before you can say
boo.
Boo! Yeah, you're right. Bo turns, he sees the Tiger
staring at him, and pointing over Bo's shoulder at the fleeing Mittens.
Bo wags his finger back and forth, as if to say, "I'm not falling for
that old one, not again at least".
Bohemoth and Tiger jawing at each other. Bo pushes the Tiger, and all
hell breaks loose once again, Bo and Tiger exchanging rights and lefts,
SMP and Soft Core Zack are doubleing up on Luke Warm, I'd love to show
you more but we are out of time! Join us right here next time, as the
male soap opera continues. Or something.