Thursday Something Or Other - We Hit the Big Ten
Aha, here we are again, with the most exciting night in sports today, Thursday.......Something Or Other. Yes, it's me, Angus "Vince" McMadden, and joining me here tonight, is my countryman, direct from the highlands of Scotland, FAT BASTARD.
(Psst, It's really Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando. But we're trying to boost ratings with the whole Austin Powers bit.)
Arrr, that's right, Angus, here I am, just off the boat from Inverness, I've got my bagpipes ready in one hand, and in the other is a massive drumstick. I'll be eatin' fartin', and making stupid comments tonight, any questions?
Nope, just what we're expecting. Up first we've got the Pissed Teens as they take on......hmm, who should they take on, FAT BASTARD?
How the hell should I know, all these teams are a bunch of ridiculous freaks anyway, just throw out whatever we've got in the back.
And the Circus Freaks it is. Sasquatch is in the ring against Mike. Mike is circling, and scatching his head, trying to remember why he challenged a monster to a fight. Sasquatch reaches for Mike, but the teen dances out of his grasp, and
dropkicks the big hairy dude in the back. The bigfoot goes down, and both teens are in the far corner, kicking the stuffing out of one ugly stuffed doll.
Aye, he may be ugly, but 'e's not sexy, not like me, oh baby, I'm just so sexy, uh huh.
Save it for the hoes. Sasquatch just doesn't seem to have it, and where is Dizzy Desi going? Something is definitely wrong here, I think I know what it is.
Eh? Whot's that, he's pretty stupid, maybe he thinks they won already or something.
Nope, Desi's wounds on his head all seem to be healed, and the hammer is gone. Anyway, Mike has somehow got the cover on the huge gorilla-like creature from the Pacific Northwest, and the Pissed Teens have won a huge victory over the three-time former champs.
The winners of this match, The Pissed Teens!
Up next we've got the self-proclaimed Domino champion, as he battles the always entertaining B.F. Sack.
Introducing first, from Portland, Oregon, weighing in at a rather hefty 452 pounds, Mittens the Mannerless!
(Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star belts out of the speakers, sending squeals of feedback into the arena, causing the dozens in attendance to grimace in disgust.
Mittens takes this reaction personally and yells out, "At last, I'm a heel at last".)
And now, a man who needs no introduction, a legend who came from the swamps of Florida, and has turned wrestling on its head, taking it to new heights, you might even call him the.....ICON of professional wrestling today......oh yeah, he's B.F. SACK!
(The Sackamaniacs at ringside go crazy as the popular Hubcapper comes down, Mittens yawns and punches the Sackster in the head as he waves to the crowd. No manners indeed.)
Here we go, these two giants of the wrestling world are going at it, lefts and rights are being exchanged. Sack gets an arm around Mittens, and the big guy stands up, taking Sack over. Ouch all that meat falling on Sack's smaller frame.
Ack, 'es got te go after 'im, the longer this goes, the better chance Sack'll be able to pin this mannerless monster. By ta way, did I tell ya I 'et a babe, yes ummmmm, I 'et a baby, ummm, ummmm, 'scuse me ma'am, can I have ya baby for lunch, ummmmm, so tender and sweet.
Way to go, FAT BASTARD. Mittens is taking his time after laying a beatdown on Sack. He thinks he's won already, but Sack up, and a knee to the lower midsection area. Mittens holding himself in pain, and believe me, that's a lot of self. Sack is off the ropes, and scissor-kick to Mittens' head,
and the big guy shakes the ring as he falls to his knees. Sack plays the crowd as Mittens crawls to the corner, listen to them roar.
I think they'd yell a lot louder if they saw ol' Fatty in the ring, yes, me 'n Girl Friday, we make more noise on a Saturday night than t'is pathetic crowd can make in a week. Oh yes, so very sexy......Oh look at that, Sack is riding Mittens just like G..
And Sack is riding the bucking bronco on Mittens, nothing more than that, thank you very much. Sack grabs Mittens by his hair, beanie tossed to the side. Mittens notices his broken beanie propeller bent all out of shape. I don't think he likes that at all, but he can't do too much about it as Sack takes him over in a belly to belly suplex.
Could we see the Domino Effect on the self-proclaimed Domino champion?
Hah, I dooon't think soooo. I'll be rooting for the fat guy on this one. Mittens is a long way from being done yet. Tiny little Sack, popular he may be, but over-rated as well, I mean, 282 pounds, I've had bigger.....
OK, I think that's enough, Sack is going for it, but no, Mittens grabs Sack by the throat, now the dullard is getting to his feet, the time for manners is over. Mittens takes Sack up, whirls around, and slams the Hubcapper to the mat. The crowd is stunned to silence. And here it comes, The Glove, on the helpless B.F. Sack.
Sack's leg is twisted at an impossible angle, and he quickly taps out.
The winner of this match, as result on a submission, Mittens the Mannerless!!
Wow, two matches, two upsets. Who'd have thought it could happen, could we be seeing a new movement here tonight folks? A new development as to who is who in the world of the STWF, a New World Order even?
Oh my god Angus, you just uttered one of the forbidden phrases, I think you've got a meeting on Monday with the big guy in the Ivory Tower.
Speak for yourself, fatty, at least my mouth doesn't have to be washed out with soap, and wipe off that drool, ugh, it's yellow, how can you be such a pig. No, don't talk, here's a wee commercial.
July 1st is coming. Does that have any significance to American's.....YES. For that is the day that Canada Day Chaos comes to a T.V. near you. Yes for the low low price of $19.95, and that's Canadian, so that's like what, $1.00 Greenback? Anyway, for that you get all the mayham of last year's amazing event. The memories, the time that....ugh, you know what happened.
OK, so last year's wasn't so good, it has become the P.P.V. that never was. But this year will be better.....hopefully.
And we're back, I think. Quite the advertisement for the upcoming Event of the century. In fact, this may the key event in Sports Entertainment today. The ramifications of Canada Day Chaos will be felt all over the world, the questions answered by this event will create many new questions. Whatever, they told me to say this ok. What's up next I wonder?
Introducing first, in his big debut match in the STWF, from Santa... Los... California, we guess?? Weighing in at a titanic 145 pounds, Billy Polar!(Shrug by crowd)
And his opponent.....Some guy named Four. Don't ask me, I just announce them. He kind of looks like that skinny greasy guy, you know (sounds of a hand grabbing somebody's mouth Mmmmph mmmmmph, like the Peanut Head Guy.)
My God, look at the wee baby's in the ring. Ummmmm, baby, I think I'm gonna 'et the loser of this one, ummm nice tender baby's.
Ohh, look at that, Four hits Billy Polar in the head, and now Polar does a mid-air flip, wow, acrobatics, have't seen that for a bit.
Here we go, Polar is running circles around Four, Polar with the Guillotine, and Four is going down. Now Four is up, and Polar with the Hurricanrana on Four.
Ummm, I see which babe I'm gonna get to eat, what's 'e call that little move?
That, my piggish friend, is called The Migraine, AKA a brainbuster. Polar with the cover, 1...2...3...4 on FOUR.
And your winner, as result of an awesome roleplay, Billy Polar!!
Ummm, I'm gonna go et a babe, yes, I'll be back, after I finish off Four.
And there goes Gary "the Gl...", uh, I mean, FAT BASTARD. I have a feeling that's the last we'll be seeing of him. He's very slowly going after FOUR, who is long gone, not wanting to tangle with a 650 pound bag of you know what. Lets get ready for the Main Event, an actual important title up for grabs.
Introducing first from the mean streets of Ames, Iowa, and weighing in at 262lbs, "Soft Core" Zack! (The dude with the Beer for Girls teeshirt walks out holding hands with his valet Deviance, yeah, he's a tough guy, and the Evil Insidious Undergarment is
looming behind him. Pat Boone is singing "Enter Sandman" and not doing a half-bad job.)
And now, he is the North American Champion, from Naples, Italy, weighing in at 240lbs, and a real, live Doctor, not to be confused with those darn fake Doctors, he's accompanied by Necro Phil, who will make sure that no "funny business" goes down, he is Doctor Sillaconne M. Plants!
(big pop for the cerebral Plants, who's always got his fingers on the buttons of this sport.)
This is going to be a confetti match. We've got a big bag of confetti suspended over the ring, I'm talking two hundred pounds of the stuff, and when I press this button here, all that stuff is gonna come down, and the confetti can be used as the wrestlers see fit. One other thing before we get started, this match is going to be "Zack's Rules", basically anything soft and unlikely to cause injury is legal in this.
Here we go the two men lock up. Zack with a knee to Plant's gut, and the Doctor folds up like a cheap suitcase. What do you think fans, should I hit the button now?
SURE, WHAT THE HECK?
No not yet, as soon as I hit this thing, all we're going to see is multi-colored pieces of paper. Plants with a
half-nelson on Zack, and now Zack gives an elbow to Plants' tender midsection. Zack is going outside, and reaches under the ring, he's got a garbage can. Yes, those really dangerous aluminum kinds. Whack, wow, Plant's selling it for what it's worth, which isn't much, Zack with the cover, 1...2...and kickout.
OK, I think it's time.(BEEEP, Whhhoooosh).
Wow, look at that confetti fly, The two men are thowing dangerous amounts of paper at each other, think of the paper cuts people!
Now I can't see a darn thing, but I can hear a dangerous amount of laughter coming from within the curtain of confetti.
Come to think of it, it is a bit tickly. Tee, Heee.
Wait a minute here, somebody's running down here with a portable fan. (the windy, rotating kind). It's the Three Guys, and the Fourth Guy is in the middle, away from prying eyes. I'm trying to see who it is.....Ugh,
they're in the fog of confetti. Sounds of beating are going on in there, "Necro Phil" figures out something is happening and jumps in.
I can here Plants saying something. It sounds like he said, "Oh my God, the Fourth Guy is....."and then silence. The confetti has finally cleared folks. A huge pile has been heaped on Plants' chest, and "Softcore" Zack is laughing as the champion struggles to get out from beneath all that paper.
Zack jams a hand up on the pile of paper, and as "Necro" Phil can only struggle beneath the weight of three guys, he can hear the 1...2....3 of the Ref's count.
The winner of this crazy match, and NEWWWWWWW North American Champion. "Soft Core" Zack!
What a mockery of all the justice of wrestling, there will be hell to pay over this. Pfff, yeah, right. But the most important question of the night has yet to be answered, will FAT BASTARD eat FOUR.
Oh yeah, and just who the heck is the Fourth guy, only the former NA champion knows for sure.
Good night folks, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden saying goodnight for Gary Gourmando, or FAT BASTARD, whoever. Don't eat too many babies over the weekend folks.
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre