BIG DEBUT!

Or something.
(The intro theme begins!)
Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa...
B.F. Sack, Dr. Snare
Look at Très Sheik, he's got flair!
Gary Gourmando, what a cow!
Look, here comes the Tiger now!
Petey is a Peanut Guy
Big Bohemoth's got one eye
Buck Johanson's mighty strong
BIG Sir claims he's long
douja's always smoking pot
Necro Phil says "Cold is Hot!"
Hank's got the 19:50
Grampa's Old Boys, just too nifty!
ARE YOU READY?
ARE YOU READY TO GO?
YEAH, ARE YOU READY?
ARE YOU READY TO GO?
Strap on your hardhats, there's gonna be a fight
It's Something-or-Other, baby, outta si-yee-i-yee-ight!

(The STWF Girls come out and gyrate scantily to the rhythms of hardcore, block-rockin' power grooves. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about, STWF fans.)
Welcome, everybody to the first edition of the soon-to-be classic Thursday Something or Other! Alongside me is the living (but not for long) legend, Captain Twilight. Captain?
What I don't understand is: we're the same broadcast team from FFF, right?
Right.
Due to tape-delay, this show will probably air on the same day that FFF used to, right?
Right.
So, why did we go to all the trouble of changing the logos, title, theme song, etc., when it's basically the same show in terms of actual content?
DO NOT QUESTION THE WISDOM OF DER KOMISSAAR!!! And now, for our opening bout.
Making his way to the ring at this time, from Milwaukee, Wisconsin and weighing 367 lbs., here is Big Buck Johanson.
(crowd seems confused and disoriented as the theme from "Rawhide" plays) And his opponent, from Washington, DC, accompanied by Veroncia, here is Slick Willy!
(crowd doesn't seem to recognize these two. Several loud conversations about "being at the right arena" are picked up by the television microphones.)
Here we go. Slick Willie begging off.
The match hasn't even started yet!
Well, it looks like Willy just wants to get along.
Johanson will have none of that!
Indeed, Big Buck goes right to work with vicious kicks to the midsection.
Willy is taking a beating!
Slick is down. Pickup by Johanson. Bodyslam! Picks him up again. Whip to the ropes, tries a back-body, but Slick Willy anticipates and gets in a brutal sidekick to the face.
Johanson telegraphed that one, Vince . . . which is odd, since there are so many more modern means of communication. Like the carrier pigeon, for example.
Aren't they extinct?
You're thinking of the carrier sloth.
Oh, that's right. Spinning toe hold applied by Slick Willy on the fallen Johanson.
Buck may be in trouble here.
OHHH!!! Buck goes downstairs on Willy.
Shouldn't he be used to that by now?
I won't dignify that -
Wait! Buck's going for the Buckshot!
Yess . . . he's got him . . . running powerslam into the turnbuckle! Got it!
Why would you have a finisher that doesn't lead directly into a pin or submission?
Oh, shut up, when's the last time you pinned anybody?
You mean besides your mom?
Hey! That doesn't sound like the Cap I know.
Call the match.
Buck pulls Willie off the turnbuckle. 1...2...3! That's it.
Here is you winner, BIG BUCK JOHANSON!
You know, I think that Slick Willy's lack of a biography on the STWF homepage really hurt him in that match, Vince.

I'm doing the best I can, damn it! Try blaming his lack of RPs why don'cha. End transmission!
I couldn't agree more. Next up, we have tag action as Spontaneous Human Combustion takes on the Unlikely alliance in this thing we jokingly call a tag division.
Yeah, since Milwaukee's Best is on hold, the Circus Freaks have been away, and we have 2 set of belts, the tag division has been struggling.
Coming to the ring at this time, at a combined weight of 819 lbs., from Guyana, here are Implosion and Scythe, Spontaneous Human Combustion!
(a smattering of boos and chants of "jobbers" abound as Iggy Pop's stuff plays. They enter the ring, raise their arms in the air, and throw them down. Both men catch on fire with a loud bang. They are doused to a medioccre pop.)
And their opponents, representing the Three Guys, here is The Unlikely Alliance! (a good pop for the unlikely duo)
The two teams eye each other. You could cut the tension with a knife.
You could cut the clichés with a knife.
Anyway. Sir Hungalot and Scythe to start things off. Sir Hungalot asking for the test of strength. Scythe agrees.
Big mistake.
Yep. All Sir Hungalot here. Turns it into a hammerlock. Scythe screaming for mercy.
Scythe: (in foreign language, with subtitle on screen) Mercy!!!
Sir Hungalot flips the hold into a pump-handle slam!
I was wondering what the Meltdown was called before and now I know. Needless to say, impressive work by the big man.
Upon editing, I sense déjà vu.
Sir Hungalot tags out to The Violent Pacifist. VP continues the assault.
Scythe needs to make a tag.
Piledriver by The Violent Pacifist.
Implosion is trying to distract the ref.
The ref admonishing Implosion.
Watch out for Grampa!
OH! Grampa drills The Violent Pacifist in the back of the head with a Singapore Cane!
In my day they called those "Whoopin' Sticks."
I stand corrected. Anyway, VP is able to make a tag.
The Violent Pacifist is up, but he's woozy. And Sir Hungalot is pummeling Grampa!
Here comes Implosion. He's going for the Implosion Bomb right away!
(Thump . . . thump . . . thump . . . thump . . . thud.)
Implosion bomb? What's that? Hey! Doesn't all this sound strangely familiar?
Come to think of it . . . yeah! What the heck is going on?
Give me that script.
Script? Heh. Huh?
Oh, just give it to me! See? The words "Friday Friday Friday" are crossed out, and "Thursday Something-or-Other" is pencilled in!
(Captain Twilight takes out a pen and proceeds o do a little editing)
Oh, Lord. Well, Sir Hungalot back in now, wailing away at Implosion. Hungalot . . . with a hurricanrana?
Yep!
OK, well, Hunaglot going up top now . . . 450 splash!
What a great move!
Hungalot going for a powerbomb . . . reversal by Implosion into a headscissor take-down!
These guys are great!!!
Well, Hungalot answers back with a bodyslam followed by a senton splash off the ropes . . . one, two, kickout by Implosion. He tags out to Scythe.
This ought to be good!
Oh, look, Scythe has sprouted wings. Terrific. Oh, and here comes a run-in by the STWF Girls. Fortunately, they are stopped in their tracks by Mira Maniac. Mira Maniac?
Just call the match.
VP back in now. Wait, that's not the Violent Pacifist . . . he rips off his "mask" . . . (sigh)
Just read.
...and it's the recently-removed-from-the-Ivory-Tower-dungeon Ben Matera! Matera doesn't seem intimidated by Scythe's wings. Whip to the ropes by Matera. The New Olympian with a spinning neckbreaker on Scythe. One, two, three. And this match comes to a merciful conclusion. Do you understand NOW why we don't let you do any booking?
No.
We'll be right back.
Two teenagers are sitting in a mall parking lot.
Teen #1: Blue is my favorite color!
Teen #2: Red is my favorite color!
Teen #1: I win! I win!
Diversity at Tonea's.
What the hell?
You know, Tonea's pizza parlor was my favorite hangout when I was a kid.
I think you mean "Tony's" pizza parlor.
I do . . . but how could you know that?
Let's move on. Our next match is Mittens . . . against Bohemoth? Why is this not in the main event? Who books this crap?
Be careful what you say, McMadden.
(a nice pop from the crowd)
And his opponent, from Charleston, WV, perhaps one of the most fearsome individuals ever let loose on society...here is BOHEMOTH!
(He enters to Grieg, a nice pop and ThatGuy is making a special appearance to add to the pop)
The two men are ready to go.
It looks like Grampa is still smarting from that last match!
And Mittens doesn't look too happy about it!
Wow! He's really tearing into Bohemoth!
Wow, indeed, Cap! Mittens sure can channel that rage. He has Bohemoth in an ab-stretch.
Bohemoth can handle it though. Not much sign of pain.
Mittens releases the hold. Powerbomb! Here's a cover... one...kickout.
He just barely got out of that one, Vince. Uh...or maybe not.
Mittens dragging Bohemoth over near the corner. He's going up . . . TOP ROPE VADER BOMB! But NO! He missed!
Vader? Who's that?
How am I supposed to know? Bohemoth on the offensive now. Plentiful forearm shots to loosen the big man. Powerslam by Bohemoth. He hooks the leg. 1...2...kickout. Bohemoth with a tilty-whirl backbreaker.
I think that was my line. If anyone would say something is tilty-whirl, it would be me.
Right you are. Grampa and SHC are giving encouragement to the big lug as Bohemoth puts Mittens in a bodyscissors.
Not every day you see so much bulk in that kind of arrangement.
You haven't been to Jamal's house.
Careful, he's a fan favourite now. Insulting them would make you a heel.
It wasn't an insult, he could tell you himself! Mittens powers out of the hold. Hiplock takeover by Mittens. Big chunky legdrop by the guy with the beanie on his head and the Mickey Mouse T-shirt.
That's not an "event security" T-shirt!
Cute, Cap, real cute. Anyway, it looks like Mittens is going for the Glove! He's got it on!
Just a matter of time here, great ring positioning by Mittens. Maybe he's not as dumb as he looks.
Grampa: Cap, how could you? He's in YOUR stable!
I calls 'em like I sees 'em! And that's what I'm paid to do.
And . . . is that it?! Bohemoth is reaching for the ropes! He could actually do it, with his huge reach. If this were anyone smaller, say Sir Hungalot, they'd be done for.
I doubt Sir Hungalot would like to be referred to as "small".
Bohemoth with a big headbutt that drives Mittens down. He lumbers up to the top rope...but he doesn't have the energy. He goes to the middle rope...SMASHER! Slightly less effective, but it's a 490-lb. moonsault, it's still gotta hurt. The cover: 1...2...3!
Mittens put up a hell of a fight, but he just couldn't pull it off in the end. A little more seasoning, and I could seriously see him with gold.
Good point. We'll be right back with our first ever TSO main event!
Promotional consideration paid for by the following:

(A guy standing on top of a library in a chicken costume. That's not the Doomsday Chicken, is it?)
CHICKEN GUY: Today, we will see which came first, the chicken, or the dead chicken.
(Guy jumps off of the roof. An off-camera splat is heard.)
Diversity at Tonea's. What the hell?
And we're back. Up next, it's the main event as Dr.Snare take on Claude Leroux, with the North American Title on the line.
As to our previous question, Bohemoth/Mittens was NOT the main event and this was, because "that other match didn't contain a Hubcapper or a Gallery-ite". This "elite" stable crap is really irritating me.
Well, not much you can do unless you plan to flunkie up to an executive.
Coming to the ring at this time, from Moosebutt, British Columbia, weighing 241 lbs... here is CLAUDE "LIGHTNING FINGERS" LEROUX!
(Pop from the crowd worthy of a megaface)
And his opponent, from Jackson, Tennessee, weighing 275 lbs., the current STWF North American champion, here is DOCTOR SNARE.
(Nice pop for Snare, bigger pop for Kandi Stryper, some boos because he's fighting a megaface)
Here we go, fans, the "main event". They lock up. Hammerlock by Snare. Leroux pushes out, off the ropes, lariat by Leroux.
Nice job getting out of that hold.
Snare up, arm-drag takedown. Nip-up by Leroux. Off the ropes again. Kick to the gut by Leroux. Powerslam!
Hey, Leroux is better than I remember!
Snare back up now. Side headlock by Snare. Leroux escapes. Rocker Dropper out of nowhere by Snare!!!
Hey, Snare is better than I remember!
Anyway, Snare picks Leroux up by the head. European uppercut. Whip to the ropes. Tries a sunset flip, but Leroux comes crashing down on his sternum!
This is the opening he's been waiting for.
(Motions toward her crotch) No, THIS is the opening he's been waiting for.
Ugh! That was a little unsettling.
Yeah, let's try to keep it clean, missy!
Is it too late to say this program has been rated TV-14 for mature subject matter?
Probably. Snare clutching his ribcage in agony. Leroux with a legdrop. Cover . . . one . . . two . . . three - NO! Shoulder up. So close.
Snare looks like he may have punctured a lung.
Well, I think Leroux did the puncturing, but I get the idea. Looks like Leroux is setting up for his Maple Leaf submission.
Yes, that Maple Leaf sure is tough.
(sound of stuff breaking blares over the loudspeaker. Crowd goes nuts)
Wait!!! Here comes Luke Warm! We didn't even think he was in the building tonight.
Oh, yeah, then how did they know to play his "music?"
Shut UP! Maybe Vic's on the ball...but SHUT UP! Leroux about to make a cover . . . one . . . two . . . THE COVER BROKEN BY LUKE WARM?!
I think Luke is having a tough time remembering who his stable-mates are!
Luke Warm: That title belongs to me, and that's the lower latitude!
OHHHH!!! A Stonecutter for Leroux! The RHM will not be happy about this. Luke helps Snare up . . . AND GIVES HIM A STONECUTTER, TOO!!! Oh, wait, paramedics now in the ring to attend to Snare . . . AND STONECUTTERS ALL AROUND!!! Here comes the mother of one of the paramedics who happened to be in the crowd tonight and just wants to see if her son is OK . . . YOU GUESSED IT - STONECUTTER!!! Luke seems satisfied with his work, as he gives the crowd the double thumbs-up! He opens up a Luke-Hoo, and celebrates in the middle of the ring.
That Luke is one thirsty S.O.B.!
He is indeed, Cap. And we are out of time, folks, but be sure to join us next week for a show that couldn't possibly live up to this one. On behalf of Captain Twilight, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden saying, join us next week for Thursday Something-or-Other. Or something.
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre