The STWF Presents..
IN YOUR FACE: UNPROMOTED.
(We pan the
interior of the Generic Dome. The crowd numbers about 50 people, comprising 12
staff, 2 popcorn salesmen, and 35 people who were waiting for the crowd to
disperse from the preceding "Own Your Own 'Tacos-On-Wheels' Franchise" meeting.
Loud, ESPN-y X-Games type music is blaring over the speakers. One of the pyro
guys sets of a single roman candle. Ahhh.. the STWF at its
Welcome everyone to
In your Face: Unpromoted. I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, and with me, Captain
Twilight and Jamal.. hey, where is Jamal anyway?
Did we even tell him
this was on?
Oh well, I'm sure
he'll find out eventually. Well this should be a spectacular night.. probably.
We've got all sorts of matches tonight.. I think..
taking this "Unpromoted" thing too far. I don't even have a rundown of the
Me either. Let's just
go straight to Announcer Lad for the first match.
contest is scheduled for one fall. I assume. I don't even have my cards ready.
Vic, help me out here.
"Mulder and Scully" by Catatonia plays.)
Making their way to the ring, from Parts Classified.. THE
(Vic does a
nice crossfade into an archaic advertising jingle.)
opponents.. SMOOTH AND CRUNCHY!!
Well this should be
an interesting contest.
To say the least.
Sculder seems a little preoccupied with Mr. Planters at the moment. Does he
realize it's an Englishman in a costume, not a giant sentient
Who knows. And now
Mully seems interested in Sister Deloris. That might improve our ratings a
little. But anyway, it's Petey to start things off against Mully.
Collar-and-elbow tie up into a hammerlock by Petey. Reversal by Mully and she
slaps on a reverse chinlock.
Well things are
off to their usual scintillating start.
Mully breaks the hold as she sees some of the fans starting to leave already.
Whips Petey to the ropes. Petey ducks under an elbow, and levels Mully with a
bodyblock. Picks her.. him.. picks Mully up and delivers a
bodyslam.. tag to Mr.
The former manager in
now, delivering some kicks to the midsection. Whips Mully to the buckle. Tag to
Petey.. big clothesline.. tag to Mr. Planters.. backbreaker.. tag to Sister
Mully and Deloris going at it now.. Sculder climbs into the ring to help his
partner, but he gets tangled in the ropes. Now he's got his foot caught in the
turnbuckles. Finally gets clear. The Agents try a double team move on Deloris.
Flying body press by Sculder nails.. Mully?
He's gotta work on
Deloris tags Petey..
he slaps the Half-Shell on Mully. Sculder goes to break it up.. wait, what's he
I think he spotted
the Creepy Timekeeper. Sculder slides out of the ring and starts taking photos
of old Creepy.
you gotta see this.. no way can it be human..
will get you nowhere, son..
Mully has to tap
out.. This ones over!
your winners.. SMOOTH AND CRUNCHY!!
Well, that was
really... something. Let's go to some commercials.
The off-Broadway musical based on the life of that happy-go lucky serial killer
and cannibal., Jeffery Dahmer! It's SAVE ME A THIGH, JEFF!
Starring Hal Klugman
as Jeff, Kent Throbmorton as Dr. Bill, and Fran Osteopath as the Love
With some wonderful
new songs by Tim Maize and Andrew Long-English-Name!
"Someone's In the
Kitchen Cooking Dinah!"
"Is That a Sharpened
Toothbrush In Your Pocket or Are you Just Happy to See Me?"
Murder, Mayhem and
Meatloaf! Book your tickets TODAY!
Well, we're back. And our next
contest should make up for that last advertisement. Over to you, Announcer
The following Super-Hard
Core-Really-Big-Cage Match is set for one fall! Introducing first, from Jackson,
Tennessee, the King of Hard-core, DOCTOR SNARRRRE!!
(Snare enters to
"Paranoid", by Black Sabbath. Little pop, but with a crowd of 35, what were you
And his opponent,
accompanied by Deviance, The Crown Prince of Soft-core.. 'SOFT-CORE'
(Zack makes his entrance
pushing the Dumpster of Doom. Which is strange because it's not
Ricky Johnson's. Pretty good pop, but it's probably for
Well the ring crew's done a
great job constructing this huge Aluminum-plywood-and-sandpaper cage. Eight
tables are set up around the ring, so we should get a fair bit of breakage if
we're lucky. Zacks up on the turnbuckle waving his wiffle bat, trying to spark
up the crowd..
Snare meanwhile takes off his
coat to reveal...a DVD of "Ishtar" taped to his chest?
Well when you're going to bring
a bomb to ringside, at least make sure it's a big one, I guess.
Snare races over as the
and back suplexes Zack off the
turnbuckle. Snare up quickly and drops a leg on his prone opponent. Zack's
in trouble early.
Too true, Vince. He looks way
out of his league here. Snare scoops Zack up and heaves him unceremoniously over
the top rope..
One down, seven to go..
Zack claws his way out of the table only to receive a diving plancha from Snare,
driving him back into the cage wall. Snare looking for a weapon under the
ring now. He finds a broom.
Snare tosses it aside and
grabs.. a rosewood chess board.. he smashes Zack over the head with
it! Zack reels back against
the Dumpster of Doom, which Deviance has managed to squeeze inside the cage
Zack grabs a can of Silly
String.. he drives Snare back with it.. Deviance tosses Zack a cardboard box
full of ping-pong balls. And Snare takes it right over the head!
Well that was more spectacular
than damaging.. Zack slips on the table tennis balls. Snare seizes the advantage
and drills Zack with a DDT. Slingshot coming up..
Oooh! Right into the
sandpaper-covered bars of the cage. That's gotta smart! Snare dragging Zack back
into the ring now.. Suplex... jawbreaker. Snare in total control
Deviance is rummaging in the
dumpster for something to aid her man now. Snare powerslams Zack.. cover
Kickout by Zack!! He may be
getting beaten to a bloody pulp, but he's still got some fight left in him! Big
headbutt sends Zack back to the canvas. Snare climbing the ropes now as Zack
staggers to his feet.. Wait, Deviance has found something!
Good Lord!! It's the NERF(TM)
Bazooka!! The most lethal weapon in the entire NERF(TM)
Zack catches it and fires! The
super-soft foam-rubber ball beans Snare.. Snare loses his balance! He falls from
the top rope!!
Zack covers.. 1..2... kickout by
Snare!! Unbelievable!! The two men brawling outside the ring now, slamming each
other into the bars on a regular basis. Up to the apron now. Snare scoops up
Zack. SNARE SLAM INTO THE DUMPSTER!!. He covers..
Here is your winner...
Well Snare walks away with
the victory, but Zack can at least still walk, so he's got consider it a
victory of sorts.
Wait, here comes the Right Hand Man. I wonder what he wants!
RHM: Dr. Snare, I saw your tactics in this match. You were specifically
told not to bring a bomb, and here you are with that Ishtar DVD. Seeing as
you won the match, I have no other option but to believe it was through
illegal use of that bomb. Therefore, I'm hereby SUSPENDING you (pauses for
crowd to pop...nothing happens)...I said SUSPENDING you (taped pop. He
smiles and proceeds) from the STWF for a whole month! Thus it has been
said, thus it shall be done!
Boy, Dr. Snare can't take that well. But it's
only a month. He can plan some strategy to grab the North American belt by
Whatever. Well, our next match
was supposed to be Pain and Pleasure against Don't Ask, Don't Tell. However,
after we considered the ramifications of putting Hungalot and Groper in the same
ring, we decided to make it a dark match. Here's some still photographs from
Ratings galore on this one.. in
fact just tell me when it's over..
There's Jean slapping Dick
silly with his open fists. How you slap with a fist is
beyond me. I don't even want to know.
There's Jean frantically trying
to get out of a Ben Dover Full Nelson.
There's Hungalot delivering a
There's Hungalot quickly tagging
out after the previous move.
Here's Jean aborting a bodyslam
on Groper after realizing where he had to put his right hand to accomplish
That's Dick putting a
Body-scissors on Jean.
There's the horrified expression
that came over Jeans face 10 seconds after the application of the
And that's Jean tapping
Your winners, Don't Ask,
Let's move on, shall
Yes, let's. But first let me say that even though they lost, Pain and
Pleasure really should try for a title shot. Maybe if they beg the Geek
very hard he'll set up some impossible task to see if they can get those
coveted belts from the Immortal Shapes.
Let's have another commercial while we wait for the next match.
(A young man walks out onto an
empty set, holding a box with a single red light on it. He stands there for two
minutes. The light turns green. He falls down.)
Tonea's. What the hell?
What the Hell?
Indeed. Welcome back.
Let's recap the semi-dark match since you left. Now, the Mason v0.2
(whatever the hell that means) was hooking it up with ThatGuy and Handy
Dandy Rocket Randy Armstrong in a watermelon-eating contest. Now when you
get three guys this nuts in the ring eating watermelons, something's bound
Don't I know it.
I see you finally found a parking spot, Jamal. Anyway, after six refs got
blinded by a barrage of seeds, that's when things really got weird. But
wait, it's just about ready to end!
The original ref is up and
appears to be calling for the Python ending! I haven't seen this since
colonel enters and strides to the ring.)
Colonel: Now this match has
gotten far too silly. Silly, silly, silly! I'm stopping it right now. Stop it,
do you hear!
Sure, spoil our fun! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
The Mason: C'mon lads,
less go. You'll love this pub on the corner. It's called "Thank God It's
TV-14. That's it. I'm going home now.
This match has been
declared a No-Contest! (Cheers).
Well the arena is slowly filling
up, probably due to the Rennettes handing out free passes.
Are they still under
Apparently so. Let's go back to
Our next match is
scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, weighing something over 450 pounds..
MITTENS THE MANNERLESS!!
(The big man lumbers to
the ring, propeller spinning.)
And his opponent..
(The overgrown schoolboy
waddles down to ringside. Boos abound, echoing off the walls.. still not a
capacity crowd, obviously.)
These two behemoths lock up
now.. big shove sends Beauregard down to the mat, but he bounces up again.
Running Belly-buster. Both men are floored by the impact. Spinning toehold from
Yeah, tha'll work..
Mittens releases the hold and
drops a standing splash! Ref. counts.. one.. kickout at two. Whip to the buckle
reversed by Beau. Big Avalanche! Bulldog drills Mittens' head into the
ICCTINACBBIC wannabe showing some skills at least.
Has anyone told him he's 95
pounds over the weight limit for that belt, yet?
After you, Cap.
Anyway Mittens just dropped Beau
with a tremendous clothesline!! POWERBOMB!! Gut-wrench Suplex! He's going
to the top!!
I can't watch!
I can.. SQUASH HIM LIKE A BUG,
A 457 pound Top-rope splash
coming up!! Wham!! He got him!! Ref. counts..1..2..3!! What a win by Mittens!
And so quickly! I hope we have some more adverts to show you...
"Violent" Beauregard: That's
not fair!! He cheated!! I want a rematch..
Mittens has had enough! He grabs
Beauregard and Powerbombs him through a table!! And again!! And a powerslam on
the concrete floor. The ref tries to intervene and gets leveled as well..
dozens of security guards are rushing out, only to be flattened by Mittens!!
Powerbombs, Press slams and punches, oh my!
Here is your winner..
MITTENS THE MA.. Mittens, put me down!! Whoa, Baby!!
Well, there goes Announcer Lad.
Looks like I'll have to do the honors for our main event. In
any event, I think that "Violent" Beauregard really should
start thinking about his match against Big Baby Hubert coming
up on the next Monday Nae Trous.
*Ahem*.. This is our
Main Event of the evening. Introducing first, from Naples, Italy.. the current
North American Champion.. representing the Head Trauma Club.. DR
(The Doc enters with
Nurse Heidi. Good pop for her, zippo for Plants.)
And his opponent, and
(The sound of breaking
stuff plays. The crowd explodes in the mother of all pops. Pretty good for 120
Luke Warm leaps from the crowd..
He's in the ring, hammering on Plants.. whips him to the corner. A series of
kicks drives the champ down to the canvas. The fans are going nuts!
Bodyslam by Luke. He leaps onto
the turnbuckle and gives the "double-thumbs-up" Plants rises to his feet
and receives a reverse DDT! Luke in total control.
Well that's one way to distract
I can't believe she'd do
As Heidi readjusts herself,
Plants takes control! Back drop.. sidewalk slam.. He turns to the people and
gives them the "Medical Eyebrow", whatever that is...
A series of chops on the Texan
now.. Fires him to the opposite buckle.. Luke hits chest first! What
Plants delivers a knee to the
kidneys as Luke hangs there.. Side Italian Legsweep! Covers.. kickout by Luke..
Plants to the second turnbuckle.. nails
Luke a with vicious forearm. Plants getting booed by the crowd now.. he's
getting distracted.. He slides out of the ring and is involved in a heated debate with
several ringside plants.. uhh.. fans.
Luke to his feet now. He scales
the ropes and drops a big axehandle to Plants' back! Plants is floored. Luke
slams Plants into the steps hands first.. sorry, head first.. well okay, hands
first. Jamal, are you still with us?
Ignore him Vince, his monitors
switched to "The Sports Illuminated's Tiny Little Bikini Issue
Damn, is that on? No wonder our
ratings are so low!
Luke Warm drags Plants back into
the ring and side suplexes him.. cover.. kickout at 2.. Luke making
"Belt-round-my-waist" motions to the crowd now..
Wait a minute.. here comes
Claude Leroux!! He's weaving his way back to the ring!! What's he doing
Remember TSO #1?? Luke prevented
Leroux from winning the Title?! Is Claude here to repay the favour?
Could be.. OHH!!!
STONECUTTER!!STONECUTTER!!STONECUTTER!! Luke covers!!1..2..
Claude's in the ring! WHAM!!
He nails Luke with a six-pack of Buds!!
Talk about an aggressive
Ref's calling for the
bell.. Luke'll win by DQ but he won't get the title.. wait a minute..
Leroux is slapping
on a sleeper.. Luke's struggling.. he's going down! I can't believe
And here come the rest o' the
Head Trauma Club!
Everyone getting their shots in
on Luke.. Luke is OUT!! And Claude's reaching for his
He's going to shave a bald man?
I dont get it..
He's not going for his head..
Claudes trying to focus enough to shave off Luke's Goatee!! I can't
believe this.. This is despicable!! And it came far to late to boost our ratings!!
But wait, the Hubcap Gang is running to the ring ready to save their
colleague. And we're out of time, so I guess you'll have to see on Monday
if Luke's beardless or not.
Well, for Captain Twilight and Jamal Tupac Mustafa, I'm Angus "Vince"
Mcmadden saying so long everybody!
©1999 Stereo Type
wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre