And is almost an excact ripoff of a slighty more well known match of this nature. The first period is of 5 minute duration, one man from each team starting out. After that 5 minute period, The Rogue's Gallery will send in it's second man, we're bypassing the cointoss for avantage because the heel team always wins it anyway. That will be 2 minutes of two against one, then the team with the disadvantage sends in it's second man for a two vs. two for 2 minutes. You get it yet? The 2 minute periods will continue with alternating team members joining the match until all 12 are in the Nerf(tm) Cage. I'll expain what happens then when all 12 get in there, you'll forget what I said now by the time that rolls around, anyway. And now...are you ready? ARE YOU READY? It's the STWF "Faces" United VS. The Rogue's Gallery...'nough said. LET THE CORE GAMES...BE-GIN!
("Roll It Up, Light It Up, Smoke It Up" By Cypress Hill plays...douja staggers to the ring, but looking better than he did earlier. Trash rains down on douja like a hailstorm, he enters the only door, on the wall on Ring 1, at the end of the entrance ramp. douja then steps through the ropes of the two squared circles and waits in Ring 2.)
Voiceover: (in pseudo English accent) "Who's about to git inta douja's sh[bleep] like unchewed carn? No need to ask...He's THA SMOOTH OPERATA!"
(Huge pop as Dr. Silaconne M. Plants emerges from the curtain to Sade's "Smooth Operator". He holds his arms out with palms up, basks in the cheers, takes off his physician's overcoat and throws it into the crowd. After a slight struggle, a 20 something guy retreives the coat, returns to his seat, and trades the guy next to him straight up for his beer and nachos.)
AND HERE WE GO! Plants takes off in a dead sprint and slides under the bottom rope of Ring 1 through the only door on this thing. The door is secured with yarn...and there's NO referee in sight!
Yo, diss be a long time comin'.
Yeah, like everyone else in the STWF, SMP has been after douja for months. I can't believe douja's even in there, considering what he's been through tonight.
It's about to get worse. douja attacks SMP as he tried to enter Ring 2. douja with a series of forearms...whips the former plastic surgeon across the ring and lowers his head for a backdrop... BOOM! SMP counters with a double-arm DDT!
That's his new finisher, which he calls "You Just Got Planted." He said he'd debut it tonight.
Yo, dat ain't a new move, I bet Strangla Lewis used dat back in tha day.
SMP picks douja up, and begins a series of left hand jabs... BOOM..BOOM..BOOM..BOOM... He balls his right hand into a fist, looks at it for a couple of seconds, then decides to deliver an elbow to the top of douja's head reminiscent of that fat guy with the big, ugly birthmark on his belly. BOOM! douja goes down hard!
SMP now has douja by the hair and is pointing to those Nerf(tm) bars...and just whipped douja face first into them! BOOM!
douja down again, Plants doing a strut around Ring 2 that can best be described as lame. Actually, it's a distraction for the fans while douja tries to juice himself unnoticed. Wait a minute, what is douja doing? Is that a pack of ketchup?
What tha? douja's joocin' wit ketchup?!?
Well, of course! But, it's not ketchup...it's catsup. Catsup being a little more runny than ketchup and thus more realistic. This thing really ate up our budget, so we couldn't afford stage blood, and our "STWF Gimmickry Blades" are on backorder again. Besides, it IS soft CORE GAMES after all, and REAL blood would be inappropiate.
Alrighty then! SMP moves in on douja, who is really...uhh...busted open. douja with a lowblow...AWWWWWWW!and Dr. Plants doubles over. douja to his feet, and is putting the boots to SMP. douja really wanting to win this thing, have The Doc retire, and get "Soft Core" Zack as a slave for 30 days.
Yo, I hope dat Zack good at rollin' joints, cause I gotta feelin' he might be doin' alot of dat in tha near foocha.
douja with a blantant choke on SMP, there's no referee, so he could choke him all night...it's ALL legal!
2 minutes to go in this first period, then The Gallery gets to send in it's second man. And what if the Gallery loses, The Rogue gets shaved by Claude Leroux! Nobody has brought that up yet.
Yeah, I bet The Rogue's head looks like an egg when it's shaved.
Oh yeah? I bet it looks like an onion.
Yo, you on Caps, dubba or nuttin'?
You guys STILL betting? What did I tell you about that earlier?
Yeah, like you nevva betted.
Never have. Never will.
You nevva bet dat you not wearin' a rug?
What? My hair is REAL!
Bet choo 5 dollas it a toopay.
You're on! What a minute, I'm not falling for that....forget it. I DO NOT bet.
I bet you 5 dollars I can get you to bet before the night is over.
Okay, Cap...you got it. But you'll NEVER get me to do it.
douja going for The Chronic Neck Pain, SMP backdrops douja and escapes it! douja up...and Silaconne clotheslines him down. Wait, the clock is running out...
10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-ONE!

SMP crawling into Ring 1, douja down in Ring 2. SMP meets Hector as he comes through the door...pulls him in, and the door is secured. SMP with a right... BOOM! another...BOOM! and SMP with an uppercut to the groin! BOOM!
Ohhhh, dat's gonna git "Crood's" oil boilin'!
douja in from Ring 2...runs across and nails SMP with a knee to the kidneys. SMP down, and now The Gallery-ites are beating the physician down like a street mugging. The Smooth Operator removes 3 packs from his pocket, and falls face first to the mat. Hector still recovering from the nutter, douja stomping on the doctor's back.
The heels pick SMP up, and both send him crashing against the Nerf(tm) wall. WHAT IMPACT! Hector holds the physician's legs as douja drops repeated elbows on the prone booby enhancer. SMP a... well...a 'bloody' mess. They move back over into Ring 2, Hector with a bodyslam on SMP...douja off the top rope with a legdrop. SMP taking a beating here...but that's what he gets for going in first.
That's about to change...listen to the fans! The 2 minutes are up!
10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-ONE!
Dat was a fast two minutes, yo.
Shutup, Jamal...we don't want this thing going into a Part 3. Who's going to save SMP? And WHO WAS THE PUSHER? Will we find out tonight, or drag it out for months? Stay tuned!
(The crowd explodes as Survivor's "Eye of The Tiger" plays. The Tiger runs out holding a football, stops halfway down the ramp, and strikes a picture perfect Heismann Trophy pose. He throws the football into the crowd, and a riot occurs. Tomorrow's headline: `53 Injured At Wrestling Show.')
Everytime I hear that song I think of Rocky III, I wonder if that wrestler who played 'ThunderLips' ever made another movie?
Yo, whatchoo juss call me?
He wasn't talking about you, Jamal..and 'no', I don't think that guy did ever make another movie...at least I can't think of any. Anyway... IT'S THE TIGER! The door is open and El Tigre slides in under the bottom rope. He's in a three-point stance, "Crude" Oil coming over from Ring 2... BOOM! The Tiger caught him with a diving clothesline, Hector doing one of those over-acted, 360 spins and is out! Tiger moving into Ring 2. SMP rolling to the corner, douja with a punch attempt that is blocked by the STWF legend. Tiger with his own punch to douja's jaw...BOOM! He backs douja into the ropes and sends him across the ring to the other side, catches him off the rebound with a SCOOP POWERSLAM!BOOM! The Tiger giving the sign for "The Tiger Rack" as the fans begin chanting "Rack 'Em Up!" Ohh, what excitement! The Tiger has him up..."TIGER RACK ON douja!"
SMP moves over to Ring 1, and now has "Crude" Oil wrapped up in a Figure-4...although Hector's legs are so greasy, it looks more like a Figure-6. This is great!
The Tiger really putting the pressure on douja, the human body not meant to bend that way. douja looking like a huge pretzel!
Yo, don't say dat too loud, or "Glutton" might come down here ana try an' eat him!
Let's go to our two ring shot to capture all this action!
(Still picture of two boxes with a toothpick constructed "cage" over them. The ring to the left, Ring 2, has an army figurine with another one across his shoulders. The other ring has two army men laying on their backs, their legs crossing each other's. There's a black piece of paper in the background, with white dots placed sporatically to simulate camera flashes. The next shot is back to "Vince")
What the hell?
Budget.
Dey countin' again!
10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-ONE!
(The sitar and tabla version of "Supermodel" plays. Très Sheik slowly walks to the ring, ducking the debris that is flung at him from all angles. Despite his efforts, his sequined turban is knocked off his head, the victim of Percy The Peg-Leg Pirate's peg leg that Percy just chucked at him from the 18th row. Percy not on the card, he was forced to buy a ticket. Since he's in the 18th row, Percy obviously doesn't have much stroke.)
Sheik taking his time getting to the rings, I can't say I blame him, those Nerf(tm) bars look so brutal. They are RE-INFORCED, fans...not like that Nerf(tm) chain- link business at MNT #63...these are thick NERF(tm) BARS!
The Exorbitant Arab has his "Eau de Camelle!" He just entered the door and sprayed Dr. Plants with it. Sheik stomps SMP and breaks up the Figure-6, and is now moving into Ring 2, where he just sprayed The Tiger...freeing douja from "The Rack"!
Yo, Tha Tiga can'ts see nuttin', Tray Sheek an' douja puttin' tha hurts to him now. Dey juss sent Tiga inta dose bars, Hecta up an' he beatin' on The Docta ovva in Ring 1.
Jamal, please leave the play-by-play to Cap and I and you stick with colour commentary, okay?
Yo, I put the "colour" in "colour commentary", yo. Ummm Hmmm. douja and Sheik with a spike piledriver on The Tiger in Ring 2. Oil choking Plants over the ring rope in 1. Plants must be up to 5 packs, he's a mess! Now "Crude" is grinding SMP's face against those bars, The Doc's in bad shape. Back in 2, Sheik is holding The Tiger while douja punches away at the former football standout, 15 straight and douja's picking up steam...that "bad trip" he had earlier finally wearing off, but far too late to save his title. Any word yet, Cap...on WHO WAS THE PUSHER?
No, nothing. Oil just threw Plants into Ring 2, and Hector joins his Galley-ites in the beating of The Tiger. douja now moving back over to SMP...and kicks him right in the mouth!
It won't shut him up, dough.
The clock's winding down, and not too soon for the faces. The man advantage taking it's toll on The Tiger and SMP.
10-9-8-7-6-5-awwwhatdahell-ONE!
WAIT A MINUTE! WHO IS THAT?!?
(A man in black, hooded trenchcoat appears from behind the curtain. He walks halfway down the ramp and stops.)
IT'S THE PUSHER!
Subway Herb? Man, he ain't signed a contract yet!
What the hell are you talking about, Jamal?
Hold the phone! I just got word about what was wrong with douja earlier. He had an allergic reaction to orange pekoe!
WHAT?!? Orange pekoe? THAT'S IT! The only way anybody could find out douja's allergies was to read his medical record, maintained by our part-time Nurse Practitioner and full-time Club Med valet. Now it all makes sense...the goofy skit at the top of the show with Nurse Heidi and Deviance, the brown folder, somebody's claim in a recent interview to cost douja his title. That wasn't weed douja got earlier...he got something with the main ingredient of orange pekoe...nah, that wasn't pot...IT WAS TEA LEAVES!
Yo, dat muss mean Tha Pusha is.....
("Enter Sandman" by Pat Boone plays...igniting a gigantic pop. The pusher removes his hood and the crowd gets louder...)
IT'S "SOFT CORE" ZACK!
(Zack removes the trenchcoat and tosses it into the crowd where a teen boy grabs it and begins plotting his activities when the school year rolls around. Hey, NOT THAT! He's cast in the school play in its rendition of Kurt Russell's "Escape From L.A."...so THERE!)
AND HERE WE GO! Zack runs down the ramp and slides into Ring 1. Sheik and Oil come over and attack Zack, and that's a fact, Jack.
Are you okay, Vince?
The Exhorbitant One and The Oily One whip Zack across the ring and attempt a double clothesline, Zack ducks it, bounces off the ropes and....DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE ON THE SHEIK AND OIL! BOOM! Zack bounces up quickly and places both hands on his hips, striking a fairly good Superman-esque stance.
He might THINK he's Superman...but you see who HAS THE CAPE!
Did you say Sheek's oil? He clotheslined The Sheek's oil? Yo, I guess gas prices be goin' up, again.
Shaddup, Jamal.
I be tryin' to add colla, now you be tellin' me to shut up? An' by tha way, Cap, if douja was allergic to orange peeko, you be owin' me 5 bones sucka, dat "Head Explody" didn't work. I told you dat nevva gonna work, pay ups old man.
Shucks.
Zack now in Ring 2 and is pounding away on douja. The Tiger is back up and going into Ring 1. SMP holding up douja...Zack coming off the top rope... BOOM!...big fist to douja's head. The Tiger with a spinning heel kick to Tr`es Sheik. BOOM! El Tigre now sending "Crude" Oil into those bars...BOOM!
That's it. You have to use those bars as a weapon. KICK HIM! KICK HIM! KICK HIM LIKE A DOG!
That sounds familiar.
He juss mad cause I gots his bank.
Jamal...oh, nevermind. SMP joining The Tiger in Ring 1. Zack grinding douja into that Nerf(tm) cage in Ring 2, and if anybody knows Nerf(tm), it's The Innovator of G-Rated Violence. douja opening a couple more packs, he's in a bad way. Wait a minute! There's Patrick "The Finger" Patrickson, the 2 minute period isn't over yet...he's coming in!
Yo, he's da booka...who gonna stop him?
Chris Benoit?
Who?
Hector has opened some packs on his head, but he's so greasy, you can't really tell. SMP just grabbed "The Finger" and threw him into the cage...The Tiger with a running slam with Sheik into the wall... BOOM! BOOM! Zack with a jackhammer suplex on douja in Ring 2... BOOM! I guess he'll call that the ZackHammer.
Oooooh, very witty, Vince. *sigh*
10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2....psyche!
ONE!
That's the end of the clock for Zack's 2 minute period, but "Finger" is already in...so send in a face!
(Okay...The crowd erupts as Goldberg's old music plays... wait a sec...as "In the Hall Of The Mountain King" by Grieg plays. Bohemoth comes out, but not ready to throw anything into the crowd. He thought about throwing his glass eye, but due to "Here's Glass in Yer Eye" increasing their prices, and the very real possibilty of frightening children, Bo just runs to the ring, denying the fans of getting a "souvie" from the big miner.)
IT'S BOHEMOTH! Oh my, things are going to pick up here. (several 'booms' heard in background as the action continues) Bo climbs into Ring 1...he's CLEANING HOUSE!
Cleanin' house? Yo, dat mina nevva cleaned a house in his life...he live in coal mine fo cryin' out loud.
Bohemoth with a powerbomb on "The Finger"...BOOM! Bo clothelines the Exhorbitant Arab...BOOM! Bo after Hector Oil...BOOM! I don't know what he did but the fans liked it. Bohemoth heading to Ring 2...he's after douja!
SMP with a kneedrop to "Finger's" groin...The Tiger with a sleeper on Tr`es Sheik, Sheik has found some catsup and is busted open as well. Ring 1 almost full...only Zack, douja, and now Bohemoth in Ring 2. Hector lay motionless in between the two rings...I have no idea how he got there...it looks like a wreck on the interstate.
That, too, sounds very familiar.
Yo, dat "Fingerin'" booka wavin' his hand...here come "Pops" Khorne an' Tha IG Champion...SGT. GENOCIDE!
This thing is breaking down now. Colonel Khrone and Genocide in Ring 1. douja is down is Ring 2, after Bo just military pressed him 8 times into the roof of the Nerf(tm) cage...Bohemoth with THE SMASHER! BOOM! He's going up for another one...he's trying to kill douja! Zack and Khrone now going at it, SMP sent head first into the bars by The Champ, "The Finger" trying to get The Tiger to relaese that sleeper on Sheik. Where are the rest of the elite face team members? The Sarge steps into Ring 2...sneaks up on Bohemoth and nails him in the back. Whips him into the ropes...ELIMINATOR! The Champ has Zack...ELIMINATOR! Everyone now in Ring 2 except The Tiger...who waits in Ring 1...the imminent showdown between the first champ and the current champ. Genocide has SMP...ELIMINATOR! The Gallery with a five on two dismantling of SMP and Zack. Sgt. Genocide has knocked Bohemoth's glass eye out of his head, and has it in his right hand!
GENOCIDE: Now you can watch me beat your a<-BLEEP-> coming and going. Ha ha ha.
Wow! Even though Bohemoth's glass eyeball can't see whether it's in his head or not, the very fact that Sgt. Genocide would say this indicates that he is indeed, a very mean man.
Yo, here come "Lightnin' Clippas"! But no Hank...what up wit dat?
I don't know, Jamal...but Kamera Kid is telling us to look at the Monstron.
(Shot of an unconscious Homicidal Hank as he lay on the dressing room floor...Spike is beside him half out of his pot, Spike's little crown crushed. Hank has a smiley-frown face sticker attached to his forehead. The Mad Cow comes in the room and revives Hank, who sees the geranium knocked over...)
Hank: "YOU BASTARD!"
MAD COW: "Hey, I was trying to help...I didn't do..."
(Hank picks up Mad Cow and throws him through a sheet rock wall about an inch thick...you know the ones. Several generic security hold Hank back.)
Ah, one of the oldest gags in wrestling, the old case of mistaken idenity bit. Sets up their North American Title match nicely, though.
Well put, Cap. Oooh, Claude Leroux going after "The Finger"...The Tiger still waiting in Ring 1...and here comes Sgt. Genocide! The IG champ with an eyerake...he throws The Tiger across the ring...he's going for his finisher! THE TIGER DUCKS THE ELIMINATOR! Genocide up...and Tiger splits his uprights! BOOM!
Brings a whole new meanin' to foot and ball, yo!
Richmond 3 - Ukraine 0!
That was the most vicious kick to that area I've ever seen! This week! The Tiger has The Champ up in..."THE TIGER RACK!" Wait, douja over from Ring 2, and he just clipped The Tiger's knee that suffered the dead-end angle injury to his patella. He might have re-injured it!
There's an uncontrollable brawl in Ring 2...Zack punching away at Hector, Tr`es Sheik has SMP and is twisting his arm. Claude Leroux now at the mercy of "Pops" Khorne and "The Finger". Bohemoth crawling around on his hands and knees looking for his glass eyeball. Sgt. Genocide waving to the back again...and here comes THE TRI-LAMBDAS!
This is horrible! The Tri-Lambs and The Gallery forming THE EVIL ALLIANCE! Hank's gone and it's going to be to 12 against 5...can anybody stop this... ANYBODY?!?
(Shot of Luke Warm as he just entered the building...the crowd lets out a humongous pop as they recognize Luke on the Monstron. Luke looks at a Well Placed Monitor(tm)...takes off his 99.44% Pure Luke-Hoo shirt... and runs out of view of the camera. The next shot is of Luke running out from behind the curtain...the pop is so loud you can't even hear Vic playing "Stuff Breaking - Boomtang Remix".)
IT'S LUKE WARM! IT'S LUKE WARM!
YEAH BOY-EE! You can'ts have The Gallery pullin' some sh[bleep] widdout some HUBCAPPAS! GO GIT 'EM LUKE!
You're in The Hubcap Gang, Jamal...why don't you run on down there?
Nah, I be juss fine right here, yo.
Luke enters the cage, all the heels stop to get in line, and wait for Luke to wave them in. STONECUTTER ON PNG! BOOM! Luke has Trapezoid...STONECUTTER! He waves Khorne over...STONECUTTER ON "POPS" KHORNE! BOOM! BOOM! Luke on a rampage! STONECUTTER ON douja! He has "The Finger"...STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER ON BAIT!
Yo, he gonna break his ole record!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Luke waves in "Crude" Oil... STONECUTTER! Grease drops fly off Hector's head like a swarm of bees! STONECUTTER ON SWITCH, STONECUTTER ON THE SQUARE, STONECUTTER ON EDWINA!
(Please insert your own "booms", I'm getting tired.)
]]]Hey, screw you, man, I'm not doing your dirty work![[[
(Oh God, we're doing the MCW narrator-argument bit.)
]]]There's something wrong with that? It's a good bit.[[[
(No no, just pointing it out.)
Luke has gone berserk! STONECUTTER ON EL SPHEROS and TRÈS SHEIK! Luke has the Intergalactic Champion! STONECUTTER ON SGT. GENOCIDE!
BOOM!
(Look, this thing has gotten totally out of control...)
THIS MATCH HAS BE DECLARED A NO DECISION!
That is NOT going to set well with these fans! StreetMime lowering himself from the rafters...but his line breaks and he falls on top of the Nerf(tm) cage and just bounced himself into the balcony! WHAT A NIGHT!
About 1000 *ahem* security has come out to break this thing up. Everbody fighting back to the dressing room. Wait...Claude is still in Ring 1, and HE HAS A MIC!
Lightning Clippers: Look, I know I promised to shave The Rogue's head, eh? But, it looks like that is not going to happen. I promised you blokes I'd shave a head...and by Joe that's what I'm going to do. I've had this shearing gimmick for months and the only head I've shaved was a snotty lad from a two-bit magazine, eh? But fans, you want it, you get it! EH?!?
Leroux has a chair in Ring 1, he sits down in it, and he's putting his shears to his own noggin'!
WHA?!?
CLAUDE LEROUX IS SHAVING HIS OWN HEAD! What a face! Sacrificing his own follicles to give the fans what they want to see, even though it isn't The Rogue. What a gesture, Claude winning the hearts of all our fans here tonight!
Claude LeRULES, Claude LeRULES, Claude LeRULES!
Listen to these fans!
I don't hear any fans. All I hear is some guy in the back cranking up the Victrola with a "Claude LeRULES" chant on the vinyl.
Not even Vic?
Budget.
What a night, and it looks as though THE EVIL ALLIANCE still has the upper hand on the STWF. What will happen next? We'll see what the future holds...but for now we're finally out of time. So, for Captain Twilight and Jamal Tupac Mustafa, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden saying good night and we hope you enjoyed IN YOUR FACE: soft CORE GAMES!
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre