HEART-BREAKING HELL '99
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(Pan interior of the Large Dome. A partially sold out crowd. You couldn't even call it "capacity". Some extra EMTs are standing by, as are a bunch of midget janitors to clean up the blood in the ring.)
WELCOME everyone to Heart-Breaking Hell '99! I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, along with Hubcap Gang commentator Jamal Tupac Mustafa, and Old Boys' Networker Captain Twilight.
Pleasure to be here on this momentous occasion.
Yeah, what he said.
Right! Well, this show will be action packed! It will be the BEST PAY-PER-VIEW EVER! And not to mention, you're going to see juicing that goes right up into the double digits, because the only way to win is to make your opponent, or OPPONENTS, bleed. Sound gruesome? You bet it is! So let's get right into the action!
This contest is set for one bleed. Making his way to the ring first, from New York City and weighing 350 lbs., here is Tony "the Mobster" Bascere!
("Speak Softly, Love" plays. The only crowd reaction is the murmurs of anticipation that this guy's gonna bleed, and bleed a LOT.)
And his opponent, representing the Hubcap Gang (cheers) and from Moosebutt, British Columbia, here is CLAUDE "LIGHTNING FINGERS" LEROUX!)
(He enters playing "O Canada" on the accordion. As he reaches the final three notes, you can hear airhorns go off in spots all over the arena. When he finishes, the place erupts with cheers.)
Lots of Canadians in the crowd, I guess.
Wouldn't matter. He's a Hubcapper, dey gotta love 'im.
***bell rings.
Claude extends the hand of friendship. Mobster tries a right hook. Claude blocks it and there's a hammerlock by Claude. Standing switch by the Mobster and he puts up a belly-to-back suplex right afterward. Both men are up. Claude with a fireman's carry takeover, now that's power!
Claude is certainly a favourite to win this one, if the Vegas odds are any indication.
You know that Rimshot can make any odds he likes with his connections to the bookmakers in Vegas. Claude with a Samoan drop. He's stomping away on Tony Bascere. Can he open up an artery in the face? Not yet, Tony's up and he rakes the eyes. He lifts up Claude for a piledriver. Too much momentum, Claude flips right over and reverses it. Leroux with a piledriver of his own! The crowd goes wild.
Come on baby, finish 'im off.
I'm as eager to see this one end as you are. Wait! Tony just went outside and he's got some brass knuckles! He just might cheat his way to victory.
Lightning Fingers has a foreign object of his own!
It's the pepper spray! Pepper spray in Tony's face! Tony is totally blinded, and the crowd loves it. Claude Leroux with a big elbow on Tony's nose, and there it goes!
Here is your winner, Claude "Lightning Fingers" Leroux! (Crowd goes nuts)
And there goes Tony, carrying his nose in a facial tissue.
Da Hubcappers win agin! I cain't wait ta see how Sack `n' Luke Warm stack up.
Luke Warm isn't wrestling, unless you know something we don't.
Since when do I know sumpin' you don't?
He makes a good point, Cap. Next up, we'll see a six-man tag: Dr. Snare, Sillaconne M. Plants and Necro Phil of Club Med will take on the Violent Pacifist, Sir Hungalot and Jean Bannister of...well, they're not exactly a stable, but I believe they're calling themselves the "Three Guys". This six-man tag team contest is set for one bleed. Making their way first, the entirety of the Three Guys, the Violent Pacifist, Sir Hungalot, and Jean Bannister!
("Rock `n' Roll Part 2" by Gary Glitter plays as the three come down to a mixed reaction.)
And their opponents, representing Club Med and accompanied by El Chief of Staff and Kandi Stryper, here are Dr. Snare, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants and Necro Phil!
("Paranoid" by Black Sabbath plays for some strange reason. The three wrestlers come out, along with Kandi Stryper and El Presidente/El Chief of Staff, who is still looking like somebody shoved Fidel Castro into a lab coat.)
***bell rings.
Well, it's Dr. Plants vs. Jean Bannister to start matters in this match. Bannister with a side headlock and he's using some closed fists, which ARE legal during Heart-Breaking Hell so we can speed things up here. Plants gets out and there's a clothesline. He bounces off the ropes, and baseball slides the top of that hockey hair. Legdrop, legdrop, legdrop.
Was that three legdrops, or one with emphasis? I wasn't paying attention.
It was three. And please, put away that cryptic crossword, it makes me feel stupid.
Hey Cap, 14-down is "ENTRAPMENT".
Groan. In any event, Jean Bannister has tagged in the knight in latex armour. Dr. Plants and Sir Hungalot lock up right away. Big Sir with some kneelifts, and there's a vertical suplex. He makes the cover: but the ref doesn't count because he has to make Sillaconne bleed. Hungalot with a fistdrop that misses completely. Necro Phil has been tagged in.
This clue doesn't make any sense.
It's workin' off an anagram.
Of course! "PENGUIN".
Can I see that? (swipes paper) and now, Mr. Cryptic Crossword, meet Mr. Cigarette Lighter! (burns paper and tosses it over his shoulder. A scream is heard and a puff of carbon dioxide smoke appears on the extreme left of the screen) Necro Phil with an elbow. Sir Hungalot tries a crossbody, but Phil moves out of the way, and Sir Hungalot lands on the top rope. He's singing soprano!
Aw, "SOPRANO"! That was the answer to 7-across we couldn't get, remember?
We was fools not ta see it.
Necro Phil bouncing the ropes up and down to cause more pain, but I don't see this advancing the match at all. He clotheslines Big Sir over the top and outside the ring. Dr. Snare is now your legal man...
And we're going to be treated to some outside-the-ring gambits.
Yes, anything goes outside the ring, and blood always flows much more quickly. Dr. Snare slamming Sir Hungalot's head on the aluminum barriers. Look at that aluminum deform! But alas, Sir Hungalot is not bleeding. They're headed up the ramp...Snare is going to give Sir Hungalot a powerbomb! YES! NO! Hungalot is still clean and pink.
Wass THAT sposeta mean?
Er...nothing? Both men back in the ring. Sir Hungalot makes a mad dash. The Violent Pacifist has been tagged in! This crowd just got a bit perkier. Neckbreaker! Flying kneedrop! Pump-handle slam! The Violent Pacifist could draw blood any second now! Snare trying desperately to fight back. Dr. Plants looks fresh and ready for another tag.
But here comes Luke Warm! The crowd is going berserk! They love this man, and will buy his T-shirt no matter how stupid the slogan is!
Are you implyin' this new "Luke Warm: Pretty Darn Snazzy" T-shirt I'm wearin' has a stupid slogan?
(pause)
(pause)
I implied no such thing.
Luke Warm goes to the apron and straight for Sir Hungalot! STONECUTTER!
(cheers)
He goes to Jean Bannister! STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER!
(louder cheers)
The Violent Pacifist turns to see what's going on. Dr. Snare pulls out a scalpel and drags it across the nape of the VP's neck, and I think that will do it for this match!
Here are your winners, Dr. Snare, Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants and Necro Phil!
Luke Warm is pointing at the VP and looking for crowd approval.
And of course he'll get it. They'll cheer him no matter who he gives a Stonecutter.
Luke Warm: Sorry, VP, but the crowd wants it.
VP: You're forgiven.
Luke Warm goes to the VP. STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER!
(really loud cheers)
He's giving the double-thumbs up sign...and pulls out a broken bottle of Luke-Hoo! He's attacking Sir Hungalot and Jean Bannister with it, to the delight of the audience! And now he's yelling in their faces, what's that called again?
Jawjacking.
ARGH! That was 51-down! And I can't pick up another copy of that paper right now.
Good. try to make ME feel stupid, will you? Okay, we're going to get something really good now. It's a tag team confrontation between the Circus Freaks and Chemical Warfare.
This tag team contest is set for one bleed.
Sarcastic fratboy in front row: GET ON WITH IT!
Fine. Here they come, the Circus Freaks and Chemical Warfare!
Vic on Voiceover: That's real good, now what do I play? Oh, hell, like it matters.
("Too Shy" by Kajagoogoo plays, annoying the hell out of anyone under 20. Or over 30. And the good majority of the twentysomethings. Both teams enter to grumblings and mutterings from the audience. They are quickly quieted as the fighting begins down the ramp.)
***bell rings.
This one has begun and they haven't even hit the ring yet!
Sasquatch and Agent Orange are fighting each other, while Dizzy-D is mixing it up with Napalm. Sasquatch gives Agent Orange a smack into the ringpost.
You've really got to wonder just how well Agent Orange can see with the burlap sack over his head. Even if he can see through it, he's giving up a lot of peripheral vision.
Yeah, whatever, Tenay. Napalm Irish-whips Dizzy into the ringsteps and enters the ring. Sasquatch gorilla presses Agent Orange into the ring from the floor! And rolls in himself. Double-D is being counted out: 4....5....then the ref remembers it's set for a bleed and stops. Dizzy gets on the apron eventually. Sasquatch gives Napalm a sidewalk slam. And now just a side slam. Napalm counters with a double-leg takedown. He pulls out the blowtorch...
Bad idea brewin'...
Napalm is trying to burn Sasquatch into bleeding! But first he has to get through that hair and...
Open the dome! Mortal men were not meant to smell this ungodly stench! In all my 82 years, NEVER have I smelled anything this bad short of Gary Gourmando's lunches.
The burning hair is permeating the arena. The only one who seems unaffected is Agent Orange, and sensing this, Napalm tags him in. Agent Orange with a backbreaker on the mighty Sasquatch. Sasquatch still in pain from the burning hair incident.
Sasquatch: RRRRRRROOOOOAR gurgle gurgle RRRRROOOOEEEAARR mewl OOOOH gurgle
Truer words were never spoken. Dizzy Desi is tagged in. Spinning toehold by Dizzy. Spinning powerbomb! Spinning DDT! He's going to the top rope for his patented corkscrew moonsault, which by the way, he did before Hector Garza could even think that far.
The only Hector I know is "Crude" Oil.
Whatever. Charlie sees his boys are in trouble. Napalm comes in for a double team. Sasquatch tries, but the ref cuts him off. Napalm holds Dizzy and Charlie unleashes his giant leech Hue. But wait, Dizzy ducked, and the leech just clamped onto Napalm! And that kitten-sized thing is swelling like...like...
Do we haveta put up a TV-14 for ya, V?
Like a balloon! Whew.
This program is rated TV-14 anyway.
Napalm is going pale. Dizzy rips off the leech and look at all that blood. He even squeezes the leech more to prove it to the ref.
Aw man, thass disgustin'!
Agent Orange is visibly upset at Charlie. He's beating the hell out of his manager! Napalm has grabbed the Singapore cane and Charlie is being turned on by his own tag team! Oh, this is terrible.
Here are your winners, THE CIRCUS FREAKS!
Chemical Warfare is leaving through the stands, and I don't think we'll be seeing them again anytime soon. Captain Twilight, thoughts on this match?
Any match involving somebody getting sucked dry by a leech deserves to be on the highlight reel.
I'm with ya there, Cap.
Captain, any truth to the rumour you'll be donning the skates for Grampa's Old Boys at In Your Face: IceJam?
I refuse to plug the next PPV at the current one. I always wait until all the matches are done.
Fair enough. Let's get to the next match. It's douja vs. Colonel "Pops" Khorne for the ICCTINACBBIC belt!
This contest is for the Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This Is Not A Championship Belt But It's Close" belt and is set for one bleed. Entering first, the challenger, representing the Rogue's Gallery (boos) and from St. Louis, Missouri, COLONEL "POPS" KHORNE!
Voiceover: I'll give you a crack, and leave you with jack!
(An acid rock "Pop Goes the Weasel", instrumental version, plays. Khorne comes out with "Crude" Oil and the Rogue. And here comes the trash!)
His opponent, the champion, from Parts Forgotten and weighing 245 lbs., douja!
("Roll it Up, Light it Up, Smoke it Up" by Cypress Hill plays. douja comes out with the belt around his neck, which he may or may not think is his waist. Loud pop for this guy.)
douja has really grown into the role of champion. And without a doubt he will go down as one of the greatest ICCTINACBBIC champs we've had. Until of course, one of the Chosen Ones takes it from him.
He will? Can we fix it before it's too late? ... Chosen Ones?! You've gotta be kidding.
***bell rings.
This should be a good contest. Khorne starts off with an armbar. This isn't going to get any blood shooting out, but it's a good start nonetheless. douja breaks the hold. Some chops by douja. douja whips Col. Khorne to the buckle. Shoulderblock hits the mark. Khorne slumps in the corner, and douja flips him upside down to apply a bunch of kicks.
douja showing unbelievable focus tonight.
Khorne is out of the way. He picks up douja with both hands and there's a backbreaker! He now battering-rams douja into the ringpost. The ref is checking for blood...but finds none.
You go, douja. You da man! Until a Hubcapper takes yo' gold. Hey, wait, we ain't got no ICCTINACCBIC contendas!
No tag teams either.
Something to work on, Jamal.
Suddenly I miss Nik at Nyte.
Khorne with a superplex! He's stomping on douja now, and the ref is checking for some burst blood vessels...but still, none can be found. douja rolls himself outside. Khorne follows.
Not a wise place for douja to be.
Hector "Crude" Oil picks up douja and deposits him over the guardrail. Khorne with a huge splash now! douja crumples to the floor clutching his stomach. But still, no blood. The Rogue has some "spiky knuckles" and he's slipping them on his fingers. Khorne is holding douja in place.
Folks, if you don't know what happens next you really should pay attention ta dis part.
The Rogue kisses the back of his hand and tries to punch douja in the face. NO! douja ducks, Khorne takes the hit and he's bleeding profusely.
This was the same bit as the leech last match.
No it wasn't. That involved a leech. My question, however, is that if douja couldn't escape Khorne's hold at first, how could he escape it when it mattered?
Whateva. Both men back in da ring, and da ref sees Khorne is bleedin'.
Here is your winner, and STILLLLLLL ICCTINACBBIC champion, douja!
This isn't over! Here come Grampa's Old Boys! There's Irving, and Jeffrey Steingold, and Arnold, and Spontaneous Human Combustion.
Will you excuse me? I'm needed.
They throw CPK out of the ring. Now they're focussing their assault on douja. Chairs, and worn-out leather belts, and their hats, and whatever else they can find in their pockets.
Those pieces o' hard candy can be vicious.
Captain Twilight has a stencil! He's placing it on douja's chest. Grampa has a can of spray paint, and he's carefully painting on the stencil. They remove it, and it neat red letters, we see " "OBN & GOB 4 What's Left of Your Life" on his chest.
I can see why they needed a stencil.
After this, Irving Goldstein gets on the mic.
Irving: OY! You see kiddies? When you make the commitment to go OBN, you make the commitment to go OBN FOR WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR LIFE! And, do you see now what happens to those boychiks who have no respect? What do we make them do Grampa?
Grampa: Learn their manners Irving!
Irving: Oy gevalt! You betchya'! And, so, douja, little guy, I hope you've learned your lesson, because if you haven't, you are in for a WORLD of Yiddish pain much more than you experienced tonight meshoogana! And THAT'S the bottom line, because Irving said so! OY OY OY! So remember kiddies to stay booty booty and howdy doody, shmatah, shleper, sexy yenta, GOB...
All: FOR WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR LIFE!
(they all laugh and kick douja around a little more. Eventually Grampa gets on the mic)
Grampa: Now, you son, you have no manners, and you really need to be taught some manners, and there is only one way you can be taught manners, and that's if Mittens teaches you!
("Twinkle, twinkle little star" plays and out comes Mittens. He gets in the ring and lifts douja above his head for a huge powerbomb.)
Could this be any more blatant, V?
Don't say that because it very well could.
Grampa: You will need to learn, you all will need to learn, if you mess with OBN you mess with Grampa's Old Boys. Mind your Manners! Whippersnappers!
(Spontaneous Human Combustion both lift their arms and hold them for a moment. They bring them down with some force, and with a loud bang the tag team catches on fire. Some ring crew technicians put them out. "We are the Old" starts playing over the PA system with the letters "G-O-B" and "O-B-N" as well as the words "For what's left of your life!" and "Mind your manners!" dubbed over now and then)
Yeah! What a feeling. I feel so alive, which is unusual for me because I'm usually borderline comatose.
We'll take your word for it, Cap. But here's another good match coming down. The Rogue is staying out here as his man, Sergeant Genocide, takes on premier Hubcapper B.F. Sack.
This contest is yadda yadda yadda, Sergeant Genocide.
("Extermination Blues" by Robin Trower. Genocide runs out underneath a parasol to avoid the trash he's come to expect.)
Wimp. Can't even take his trash like a man.
And his opponent, the man who needs absolutely no introduction, representing the Hubcap Gang (cheers), from Panama City, Florida, here is B.F. SACK!
(the crowd goes absolutely insane; so much so that the theme music can't even be heard.)
***bell rings.
This could be one of the best feuds we've ever had. The biggest fan favourite in this fed against the biggest man from the most heelish stable anywhere. They're not even "cool heels". Genocide starts the festivities with a well-placed kick right in the breadbasket. And a double-underhook suplex means Sack is in trouble?
Come on Sack, rally, rally!
We're not even a minute in, this stuff is meaningless to the big picture.
I don't know, a 90-minute time limit draw is based quite a bit on the first few minutes, isn't it? Sack on the receiving end of a reverse DDT. Genocide scraping Sack's face with his bootlaces...or at least he's trying. Sack just undid Genocide's boots and threw them into the crowd! They love it!
Look at those fans scatter!
The barefooted Genocide unreleting however, he's using some deadly-sharp toenails to do damage!
Sack's plan backfired miserably!
Sarge's stank feet look like he ain't cut his nails in years.
Sack making a comeback. He's putting the boots to Genocide's knees. And there's a jawbreaker from the former champion! Sack picks up Genocide in the air, and does some complicated twisty maneuvers as if he was deciding what to do with him...then just gives up and drops him to the canvas.
Gotta love da simplicity.
Sack with an atomic drop. Sergeant Genocide is hopping up and down clutching himself for protection.
Where DID Michael Wackson go, anyway?
Er...in jail on children's assault charges?
I said Michael WACKSON. The wrestler?
Oh...darned if I know. Sack is using Sergeant Genocide's own move against him! The Exterminator flying headbutt applied perfectly by Sack! (cheers) Sack is doing some showboating for the crowd, who is more than appreciative. He turns around and goes back to the action.
Watch out Sack, you've almost won dis!
Sack is setting up for what seems like some kind of leglock. Genocide kicks him away. Genocide moves in and drags his toes quickly across the Hubcapper's chest. Sack is trying to fend them off, but the Sarge has fancy footwork indeed. A small drop of red blossoms on Sack's chest.
Here is your winner, SERGEANT GENOCIDE!
Listen to those boos. Sack was in control for most of the match and he gets the equivalent of a paper cut to lose. The Rogue's Gallery is acting like they won the Stanley Cup, and Sack appeals to the loving fans as the moral victor.
It's worth a shot.
Sack'll get dat win back one day.
It's time for the three-way Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver tag team championship match.
This contest is for the Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver tag team championship, and is set for two bleeds.
Sarcastic fratboy: GET ON WITH IT!
I don't have to take this, you know. I'm just an underappreciated announcer. I should have listened to my father when he said, "It doesn't matter what you do, Ladislav, as long as you are respected where you are." So SCREW YOU ALL! I'm going to be in the bar if anyone needs me for the rest of the night.
Touchy guy, isn't he?
Ladislav?
Here come all three teams.
Vic on Voiceover: Why doesn't anyone tell me this is going to happen? You guys leave me no choice.
("Hangin' Tough" by the New Kids on the Block plays. The crowd groans and covers its ears. The younger set looks confused and silently wonders if 'N Sync cut a new album that they haven't heard about yet.)
Is it safe to say that this isn't the "best PPV ever" yet, Vince?
Everyone's paid for it by now, and there's no encore presentation, so yes.
***bell rings.
Barry Brown, Tyrone Mayhem and Jeffrey Steingold will start things off.
(cut to a sign reading, "Shut the Hell Up, Barry")
I don't get it; he wasn't talking. Mayhem and Brown double-teaming Steingold. Steingold has had enough. He tags in Irving right away. Irving gives a puzzled look and steps in the ring. Tyrone pulls out the collapsible crobar and starts hacking away at the 90-year-old.
Why, I oughta...
The old man is down! He can't take much more! And yes! There's the blood already, the Chosen Ones have been eliminated!
Dose old Jews look angry at each other.
Quite so, a heated exchange occurring on the way to the locker room.
Everything's fine, the Chosen Ones are not breaking up, everything's fine, remain calm, don't panic, keep buying those Old Boys' Network T-shirts.
Which brings us back to the matters at hand. Barry tags in Garry Greene to take on Tyrone Mayhem. Both Ambulance Jockeys wresting control of the crobar from Tyrone. They can't do it, but the ref tells Tyrone to put it away. He complies. Garry and Tyrone going at it.
Man I feel sick. You guys better appreciate this when all's said and done.
Tyrone tags in the Geek now. Brief double-teaming effort happening here, and the Geek is strangling Garry with the tag rope. A few kicks to the kidneys, and a thumb across the eyes by the notorious PNG. Now the Geek is wailing away, and is Garry cut? I can't tell. Garry runs to the outside where Nurse Heidi is. Garry tags Barry to take care of business and distract the ref. Yes, "the Gurney" is definitely cut, but he's suturing himself up to hide the fact!
That's cheating of the worst kind!
Barry wants to end this quickly. He punches the Geek right in the spectacles, which shatter. The Geek has multiple cuts around his left eye, but thankfully none of the shards went in his eyes and his sight will be unaffected. This match is over.
The Geek is still picking glass out of his face. But here comes Edwina from the locker room! She looks angry. She's mouthing off to the Ambulance Jockeys, and she whips them with her barbed-wired ponytail! Nurse Heidi is taking some too. The Club Med representatives hightail it.
Good to see Edwina back in action.
I'll say. Tyrone doing some crobar work as the lights become dark blue and the crobar lights up fluorescent green.
Just two matches left. Bohemoth and Viet Kong are in the ring.
***bell rings.
Bohemoth goes to work immediately. He's tearing out Viet Kong's chest hair! What a madman! Viet Kong defensively covers his nipples.
This pay-per-view is just too silly for my taste. Can we end it now?
I'd like to, but we still have an IG match to worry about. Bohemoth still going to work, and he's got enough to cause bleeding! Already! But he's not done! Oh my, Viet Kong's chest is crimson.
***bell rings.
Yes, it's over. Viet Kong is bleeding profusely. His fingers trembling, even that bright orange one Dr. Plants attached for him. Charlie has entered the ring to take him away. Viet Kong lifts a hand to Charlie's face...
Viet Kong: Father...
I thought Viet Kong couldn't speak.
That's what I thought. He may never say another word though. Charlie leads Viet Kong away with tears in his eyes.
That's a sad way to end a match.
It certainly is. But now it's time for the main event! Because our Announcer Lad isn't here right now, Homicidal Hank enters as our challenger and the Tiger as our champion.
What's that? The producer's saying don't do it yet. I think we've got some time to fill.
No, we just missed a script page. Here it is, newbie exhibition match, still set for one bleed. Petey the Peanut Guy will take on Lenny "the Force" Baxter. Since Announcer Lad can't introduce the newbies, I'd better.
You go, Cap.
This contest is a double-debut match, and is set for one bleed. Making his way to the ring first, from Kitchener/Waterloo, Ontario, Canada and weighing in at 190 lbs., here is Lenny "the Force" Baxter!
("Carmen" by Coma plays. A small man in a hooded cloak appears. He's 5'5" if he's an inch. He removes the cloak to reveal a black singlet and many mystic tattoos, including a smiley face, and possibly a Nike swoosh. Small reaction.)
And his opponent, accompanied by Mr. Planters, from Toronto, Ontario, Canada and weighing in at 260 lbs., here is PETEY THE PEANUT GUY!
(The "Peanuts" theme song plays. A seeing eye dog in the front row get up on its hind legs and does a little jig on the spot. What a blind guy is doing at a wrestling event we don't know. Petey hands out peanuts to the audience, and Mr. Planters does some typical guy-in-a-peanut-suit antics while maintaining some dignity.)
Free peanuts. That's a cheap way to get heat.
But V, they just peanuts. Let 'im be.
You're hungry, aren't you? And you're hoping we'll get some?
Booyeah.
Lenny: I just got here, and they tell me I'm in a match? What is this, anyway? Am I fighting the giant peanut? What are the stips? HELLO?!
Sigh. You're fighting the vendor, not the peanut. To win you have to make your opponent bleed.
Lenny: So, I win if I, for example, say, make his head explode?
(rolling eyes heavenward) Uhhhhh....yeaaaaahhhh, that would do it...
Lenny: Just what I wanted to hear. Ring that bell!
***bell rings.
Sumpin' tells me da short guy ain't all dere.
Really? What tipped you off? Lenny Baxter charges Petey. Mr. Planters leaps over the top rope to get out of the way and stoops to retrieve his hat. Petey is driven to the ropes. Lenny with some big forearms. Lenny may only be 5'5" but he's built like a brick chicken house, wouldn't you agree?
I thought you only referred ta ladies as brick houses. You know, (sings) "she's a BRICK!......hooooooouwse."
Please, never do that again Lenny "the Force" Baxter gives Petey the Peanut guy a hiplock takeover. Splash! The cover: there are no covers, I thought we went over the rules here!
I'm just interested to see how this all ends.
Petey gaining some momentum now. Vertical suplex, nicely applied. I might point out that it's possible these two have met before. Lenny is from Kitchener, "the freak capital of Canada" as they say, and Petey has done some time in the Kitchener/Waterloo Wrestling Federation. So you never know. Petey with a sleeperhold to wear down the Force. Mr. Planters on the outside telling him to use more brawling tactics.
Good managers always keep their charges on track. You want to make him bleed, and while sleeperholds will create less resistance to bleeding opportunities, it's not the best move.
Absolutely. Lenny gets out of the sleeperhold. Two elbows applied by Baxter, and there's a dropkick by the tattooed freak from Kitchener. Now Lenny is ... just standing there and looking like he's concentrating. Cap, do you know what the hell is up with this?
Announcer Lad was telling me that Baxter told HIM he uses a move called the Head Explody, where he concentrates at a guy so hard, the opponent's head explodes like that guy in Scanners.
Has it worked to date? I'd love to see it.
Surprise, it hasn't. Petey is up, shakes off the effects of the dropkick, and just stares at Baxter with a confused look. Mr. Planters is yelling for him to do something.
Yeah, less get goin'.
Petey with a head of steam, he scoops up Lenny Baxter and throws him over to the Spanish Announcers' table!
*CRASH!*
Baxter went right through the table, and he's busted wide open! This one is done.
Here is your winner, PETEY THE PEANUT GUY!
Petey: That was a good debut, wouldn't you agree, Mr. Planters?
Mr. Planters: (muffled) Mmmmfffssss, ssssmmfrrr.
Petey victorious, and it's time for the main event! There's Hank and the Tiger in the ring. This is going to be good. Or maybe it isn't. But it probably is. Then again...
***bell rings.
Hank locks up with the Tiger. Hank with a waistlock. The Tiger tosses him over. The Tiger with a standing armbar, and he's pressing that foot into Hank's neck.
A lot more aggression coming from our champ tonight.
Hank reaches the ropes. Some punches to the stomach by Hank, and now a Northern Lights suplex. Homicidal Hank slaps on a cranial claw, and he's digging in those fingernails. Maybe he can get some blood going here. The Tiger breaks the hold, and while we can see the fingernail marks, he's clean.
Who, Hank o' da Tiger?
The Tiger. I doubt very highly Hank's fingernails are clean. Or the rest of Hank, for that matter. Both men exiting the ring. The Tiger scrounging around underneath the ring for anything he can find.
Find something obscure; that way, if any other fed rips it off we'll know where it came from.
He's got a home exercise treadmill! Easy to assemble, lightweight and fits right underneath a wrestling ring!
I could use one o' dose.
The Tiger lifts the treadmill high above his head and cracks Hank a nice one with it. And again! Hank is on the floor and he looks hurt. But he's not bleeding.
That's lucky.
The Tiger throws away the treadmill and looks through the "hardcore" section of the audience for another weapon. He passes over the hubcaps and "Neighbourhood Watch" signs...past the chains, morningstars, and assorted perverse toys...he settles on a breadbox!
How big is that exactly?
It's about the size of a breadbox.
The Tiger jams the breadbox on Hank's noggin! He opens it up to find some moldy bread! I can smell it from here.
Burning hair, moldy bread, I'm starting to enjoy the concept of Unscented.
Hank rolls out of the way to avoid the rock-hard bread. He grabs the ring apron to get to his feet. He's still not bleeding. The Tiger swings with the bread, but Hank grabbed it himself! Hank now beating on the Tiger with that hard bread. Both men are visibly hurt. The action returns to the ring.
It's almost over! I sho' hope I ain't double-parked.
Oh Lord, you drive? Hank makes the first move. He move over to the Tiger and swings wildly. The Tiger blocks and punches to the face. And again! Hank with a lowblow. The Tiger is down. Hank looks to be getting a second wind...
This could be it!
Hank with an elbowdrop! And a legdrop! He strikes a pose...and starts stomping and kicking all over the Tiger's body, but his torso is completely still.
It's the Riverdance of death! Tiger is trying to defend his vital areas but to no avail! Hank is wearing cleats. Ouch.
The ref really should have checked the boots before the match, but if he says anything he'd have to admit he screwed up, and that's never going to happen. The Tiger's chest is a bloody mess now. The janitors on the way, clutching their mops anxiously.
Here is your winner, and NEEEEEEEW STWF Intergalactic Champion, HOMICIDAL HANK!
Hank takes the Intergalactic Belt. He steps on a turnbuckle and lifts it high. "Intergalactic" comes over the speakers, and I guess the Tiger gets his old theme song back. What a night this has been. For Jamal Tupac Mustafa and Captain Twilight, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden saying thanks for ordering Heart-Breaking Hell.
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre