(Pan interior of the abandoned Chinook Dome here in the Northwest Territories. A few ice sculptures of audience members are in the stands, and some of the crowd seem to be encased in ice. The announcers are at ringside bundled in furs. If you're opposed to that sort of thing, they're in fake furs.)
Sho' was nice o' Sweet Candy Andy to lend me dis phat coat, yo.
I pulled out this coonskin from my rooter days!
We can tell by the mothball smell. Hello, fans, and welcome to the most unpredictable pay-per-view of the year: Canada Day Chaos! 36 men will enter, 1 man will emerge as the Intergalactic Champion!
Dey know, V, dey already bought da PPV if dey listenin' to ya.
Or they're listening to it scrambled at home...or watching it at a bar...
(Trailing across screen:) Somehow I don't think that's going to be enforced. But anyway, in addition to the Canada Day Chaos tournament, we have the long-awaited Nicolas Cage match between Neige Thirteen and Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants.
Gee, I wonda who gonna win if one'a'dem gettin' released afta da show.
Shhh! If it's nae predictable, it's STWF! In the audience is a snubbed Nicholas Cage, who you may remember from movies such as "Lipstick Let's-Be-Mens"and "The Perfect Worm".
Eeeeehhh. I love your work!
Leave it to the Creepy Timekeeper to know about him. Our first match is about to get underway. Take it Announcer Lad!
This is a six-man elimination contest. Entering first, team "A-is-for-Asylum", weighing 700 pounds and change, here are...Claude "Lightning Fingers" Leroux! (he runs out to the top of the ramp, doing a little Mountie jig as he plays the last bit of "O Canada" to a huge pop) Homicidal Hank! (he runs out at the opposite side, headbanging to some unheard music) and "Stock Boy" Mike Coates! (he walks out sheepishly to a minimal pop before being hit across the back with a Louisville Slugger by a teenage redhead)
Oh my Lord! That's Annie, Broadway Musical Man's valet!
Not any more she ain't.
Lenny "F'n" Dykstra? You retired!
Lenny: Yeah, I did that, but free agency wasn't workin', y'know? So I called up DK and he said that Mikey's been pulling a StreetMime and he needed me back, so? Here I am.
Whateva. Just get'n da ring and less go!
Their opponents, team "B-is-for-Black, Balls and Billy", weighing the weight of about three cruiserweights, here are...Sir Hungalot! (he enters with a T-shirt reading "Nicholas Cage Got No Game"...if Cage wasn't so "passive" he'd be ready to fight) Tyrone Mayhem! (he enters wearing his "Package Pants" and an "Is That Your Final Answer?" T-shirt. Signs go up reading "Trivia Tyrone is Tops") and Billy Polar! (he enters with his hands up, ready for huge pop. A few mumblings of confusion and a smattering of boos.)
It's the pink-haired creepazoid for team A, and the Great White Luchador for team B. Dykstra with a wicked kick to the breadbasket. Side headlock applied by Lenny. And now a noogie? What?
Lenny: C'mon, say uncle, say uncle!
BP: Hey! You quit that! This is disrespectful to I, who went to Harvard, damn it!
I think Lenny Dykstra is using psychology to frustrate his opponents.
Lenny: Naw, I just think noogies are cool, y'know?
Annie: *giggle* Oh, Lenny, you're the most!
(stunned silence from announcers)
Um...okay... Masta BP wit' a luchado' clothesline. Den he...uh...puts on a Mexican legdrop?
Jamal, what have we told you about doing play-by-play?
(hangs his head) Not until I get my GED `n' go ta Toas'mastas.
Very good, Tony. Polar with a fallaway slam. He seizes the opportunity to tag in a fresh Tyrone Mayhem. Tyrone enters the ring with a cuecard.
Tyrone: Yo, I got a good one fo' ya. Now, Chris Chavis, in da early 90s...
Jeepers! Lenny "F'n" Dykstra just gave Tyrone a backhanded slap that landed the Trivia Master on his face! Isn't Tyrone ready to defend his ICCTINACBBIC belt yet?
Hmm...according to my card he's going to be taking on Herb Romaine at the next MNT. Good luck to him. Lenny with a vertical suplex. He's going to his home corner...massive elbowdrop! Dykstra hooks the leg: 1...2...3!
Tyrone Mayhem has been eliminated!
Sir Hungalot jumps the ring, catches Lenny Dykstra during a showboat, there's a "large package" roll-up! 1...2...3! And just like that, Lenny's gone too!
Lenny "F'n" Dykstra has been eliminated!
Homicidal Hank enters the ring now, and it's hardcore meets hardcore. Snap suplex by Big Sir. He's doing some bump-and-grind right over his fallen colleague. Hank grabs a handful and look at the expression on Sir Hungalot's face!
I know dat face! Dat's da "Oh sh<-BLEEP-> I'm caught in my zipper" face!
And that zipper is none other than Homicidal Hank! ... What the hell? Enrique, are you sure that's right? That's the worst metaphor I've ever heard!
Don't worry, Cap, bad metaphors in wrestling commentary flow like chocolate sauce. Now the tables have turned and the ref is counting Hank for a DQ on that grab: 1...2...3...Hank lets go but the damage must have been done by now. Hopefully the Knight in Latex Armour won't suffer in his other career. Hank puts on a spinning toehold and he's making loud grunting noises to make it look like this hold actually does something.
I mean, what a devastating hold! Listen to the power Hank's putting into it! He could be snapping bones right about now...
Billy Polar grabs a steel chair. He's tapping it a few times for good luck. Into the high-rent district...
For those of you with flash photography, don't bother because you're not going to be able to see anything when it develops.
Billy with a diving chairshot and Hank has been levelled! Billy gets back to his corner while the ref gets back to paying attention. Annie took her sweet time leaving the ringside area and, well, you know how guys are watching girls leave. AHEM!
Homicidal Hank with a cover: 1...2...3!
Homicidal Hank has been eliminated!
Claude "Lightning Fingers" Leroux is going to have to beat two guys now, and that won't be easy. Hungalot tags Billy Polar back in. Double team effort...double DDT right on Claude's own accordion!
Billy Polar drapes the accordion across Claude's face...there's a big legdrop! And another one! How long will the ref allow that accordion in the ring?
As I sees it, if it in da ring, it ain't bein' played, an' dat's reason enough ta keep it in.
Billy Polar repeatedly kicking Claude in the groin. Listen to those boos!
Yup, Billy Polar's gone heel it seems.
Arrogant cover by BP: 1...2...3! And Billy, Big Sir and Tyrone move on to face the winners of our next bout. Wow.
Whatta match. Can we keep goin', yo?
Of course, of course.
Entering at this time, Team "C-is-for-Tough-Cookies", and that's good enough for me, Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando! (he steps through the curtain - it takes forever - and casts a gigantic shadow. Mixed reaction as he contentedly munches on a roast spotted owl.) Neige Thirteen! (he walks through the curtain and hops around like a madman. Lots of boos.) And Bobo Q. Fiendish! (Bobo walks out and glares at Neige, then marches to the ring alone. More boos.)
Their opponents, Team "D-is-for-Something-That-Begins-With-D", StreetMime! (He enters, sniffing invisible flowers. Zero pop.) Virago! ("She" enters, blowing kisses at Nicholas Cage, who now looks quite uncomfortable) And Herb "the Caprinid Kid" Romaine! (Herb steps through the curtain holding a sign that reads "Sheep Yes, Mutton No")
Neige for Team C, StreetMime for Team D. Neige lunges for a grab, StreetMime ducks out of the way. Neige tries again, same result. Neige connects with a dropkick.
StreetMime could be out right now! He needs to make that tag!
Neige drags him back and executes a fistdrop. Quick cover by Neige: 1...2...3? Wow, that's it?
Iss StreetMime, course iss over.
Virago enters the ring now and presses her breasts toward Neige Thirteen. Virago has engulfed the albino in a bearhug! The Fighting Snowman is trapped between her breasts!
How many times has a guy had that fantasy?
Depends if yo' talkin' about Virago o' some otha woman.
They're lifting Neige's arms...one...two....nope, Neige is still in it. Virago now jumping up and down, Neige's face is getting smacked around by her amplitude. He's still not submitting!
Oh, come on Enrique, do I really have to say "What a trooper"? That's so been done! ... uh huh...uh huh...okay. What a trooper.
Virago going to the top rope...this could only mean one thing...here comes the Viragonator! BOOM! Top rope atomic drop and Neige is jelly. 1...2...3!
Neige Thirteen has been eliminated!
Bobo Fiendish steps in. He glares at her. He winds up for a punch and stops...what?!
Kamera Kid told me that while he's evil, he refuses to strike a woman.
Go figure. Bobo is asking for a test-o'-strength. Virago complies. Virago is holding her own quite well but is slowly losing that battle. Virago driven to her knees. Bobo whips around and applies a surfboard. Virago gritting her teeth as she musters up all she has to reach the ropes...she grabs them with her teeth! The hold is broken!
Virago slumps, exhausted. Bobo tags in Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando. Five seconds for a double-team maneuver...Gary's on the top buckle...Bobo is...oh no...he can't be...
Bobo is about to launch Gary onto Virago! 650 pounds of blubber are about to come crashing down on that poor woman!
The ref counts: 1...2...3!
Virago has been eliminated!
Herb Romaine enters the ring. Gary scrambles to his feet and confronts Herb.
You the vegetarian?
Herb Romaine: That's right.
Then I bet you can't guess what I've been eating from this! BRAAAAAAP! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Herb lookin' furious!
He bounces off the ropes and works a clothesline. No effect! Tries again. Still nothing! One more time knocks Gary on his back. Gary's never going to get up from that.
He's like a huge turtle.
Herb Romaine makes a cover; tries to hook the leg but that ham's going nowhere. 1...2...didn't matter.
Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando has been eliminated!
Bobo hops back into the ring again. We're down to the sole survivors. Bobo with a crossbody block. Some big right hands. Herb is up, headbutt. Knife-hand chop, hiptoss. Herb covers: 1...2...no. Bobo on his feet, scissors Herb's arm, takes him to the canvas hard. Herb grunts in pain. Kneedrop to the back of Herb's neck. Herb spits a pink loogie as he gets ready for business. Bounces himself off the ropes, falls on his feet.
Hey! Dat Neige juss tripped Herb Romaine!
Both men glaring at the intruding Neige. Bobo grabs Herb from behind, to the top rope, and here comes a superplex! Bobo covers. 1...2...3!
Your winners, Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando, Neige Thirteen, and sole survivor Bobo Fiendish!
Team C-is-for-Tough Cookies looks like one of the predominant teams here.
Indeed. But shall we see what happens when the Tiger, "Soft Core" Zack and Woodstock get together?
We shall. And good luck to Virago, who will be leaving us to the wonderful world of BLOW, the Butch Ladies of Wrestling. For those of you who plan to follow her career, she'll be wrestling as Joanie Lee Feminine. Compared to the rest of the roster, she's actually feminine, can you believe that?
Maybe if she shaved off dat stubble.
Entering the ring at this time, team "E-is-for-Egad-There's-Only-One-Major-Player-On-This-Team", "The Disenfranchised" Joshua Craig! (Mike Craig steps valiantly through the curtain, then drags Joshua in by his ear, forcing him to drop his Gameboy) "The X-Treme Athlete" Bryan Carson! (Bryan enters with a raw steak over his eye, covering the shiner he got after a hardcore match with ThatGuy) and...and...LUKE WARM! (The crowd gives a deafening pop as the Luke-Hoo-swilling bald man steps through the curtain and gives a double thumbs-up)
Their opponents, Team "F-is-for-Flux-This-is-a-Good-Team", Woodstock! (Boos as the snowman enters, chirping angrily), The Tiger! (huge pop which quickly subsides as the audience realizes he's going to have to fight Luke Warm), and the Rump R...oh, wait, this card needed to be updated..."SOFT CORE" ZACK! (The innovator of G-Rated violence runs to the ring with a whiffle bat and a can of Beer For Girls (the fruity beer with a little free umbrella!) - big pop for the "returning" superstar)
Luke Warm vs. Woodstock. Luke Warm pours his Luke-Hoo all over the snowman...Woodstock is collapsing in on himself! He's melting! I don't know if he can be able to continue. Luke Warm knocks down the slush and presses two hands into it.
Woodstock is out of it! And we're going to need a replacement should the next round win.
"Soft Core" Zack enters the ring, slapping on a pair of his deadly polyurethane knuckles. Using the closed fists...
PUFF! PUFF! PUFF!
The ref is warning him on the closed fists.
Yeh, it cain't get so intense...at least, in da firs'round.
He downs a Beer For Girls, but not before pouring it into a Dixie Cup. Smashing the Cup against his forehead and putting the umbrella behind his ear, he goes into a collar-and-elbow with Luke Warm.
Zack could prove to be tougher now that he's a bit buzzed from that fruity beer.
Naw, dat beer's 3.5% alcohol! You cain't get buzzed sh<-BLEEP-> from dat!
Zack: I jush wanna shay, dat Luke, you're da greatesh *hic* guy on da faish of d'earth...*slump*
You're absolutely right, Jamal...he just got completely sloshed!
Zack still connecting with a clothesline. Luke looks over at Bryan Carson...
Luke: Here, you handle the drunk. You're X-Treme, prove it.
Bryan Carson has been tagged in. Headbutt by Zack.
Bryan Carson: OW! Hey, that hurts! Watch it, willya?
The X-Treme Athlete with a drop toehold. Zack lands neck-first on the rope. Bryan bounces off the ropes and puts a leg over.
Carson pulls "Soft Core" Zack back to the mat by the hair. Bryan Carson puts on a Texas Cloverleaf...
Ref: Do you submit?
Zack: To Deviance on Tuesdays, yeah.
The ref is taking that for a submission!
"Soft Core" Zack has been eliminated!
The Tiger pulls up his boots and gets ready to take on all three men. Bryan Carson pleads for mercy. Tiger Driver '96!
96? Was he even rasslin' den?
No, that was the move he applied to a linebacker in college football one year.
"The X-Treme Athlete" Bryan Carson has been eliminated!
Joshua Craig gets in the ring and shrugs.
Joshua Craig: Well no way in hell I can affect the outcome of this match. Either Luke pins you or you him. And I get paid either way.
Joshua Craig is just lying down! Mike Craig spits out a mouthful of pretzels at his son's behaviour. Mike Craig just jumped the apron, and his dragging his son out of the ring! The ref is counting him out.
Mike Craig: You never lay down like that! NEVER! Go for the count-out loss, not only is it a cheap loss for the opponent, it gives you that cocky reputation. Better than a slacker.
Joshua: Whatever, pops.
"The Disenfranchised" Joshua Craig has been eliminated!
Luke Warm gets on the top turnbuckle and there's a huge pop as he makes the crossbody! The Tiger blocks a punch and is cheered. Luke blocks a punch and is cheered, followed by a lot of confused noise from the audience.
They cain't decide who ta cheer!
Typical. Everyone in the STWF is a good guy practically...and that was only because everyone was a bad guy beforehand. Sigh.
Luke gives the Tiger an uranage! Now he removes an elbow pad for some reason.
Wass he doin'?!
He's...he's...scratching his elbow?
Luke Warm: Ahhhhhh yeah. That itch has been bothering me this whole match. Stupid wool-lined elbowpads mom makes me wear to keep warm...ooh...ohhh that's relief.
What, you thought he was going to do a delayed elbowdrop?
The Tiger is up, double leg takedown on Luke. Cover: 1...2...kickout.
Tiger: Alright, it's obvious we're evenly matched. What do you say we let the Heat-O-Meter(TM) decide?
Luke Warm: Sure. Most heat, the team advances. I'll go first.
Luke Warm is going for the tried and true turnbuckle stand and double thumbs-up, followed by the chugging of a Luke-Hoo...listen to that pop!
The Heat-O-Meter(TM) reads a 92. Magical.
The Tiger tries a different tack. He spots the group of leather-clad fishnet-shirt-wearing guys in Section F. He points at them, then he...he...good LORD!
He just dropped his trunks! He must really want to get past this first round.
Tiger: F<-BLEEP->, the things I do for wins. DK is gonna pay for this, I swear it!
Those men are worked into a frenzy! The rest of the crowd is booing the hell out of him. The Heat-O-Meter, however, reads all heat, good or bad, and reads a staggering 98!
Ladies and Gentlemen, your winners are The Tiger, "Soft Core" Zack and the late Woodstock!
Well, off they go to find a new partner. Meanwhile, here comes the next match!
Team G-is-for-Goodness-Gracious-Great-Balls-of-Fire, Coma! (he enters, rowing himself with ski poles wearing caterpillar tracks on his shoes) Sweet Candy Andy! (loud pop as Sweet Candy Andy brings Gratuitous Tina, Miss Chlamydia, Sunshine the Stewardess and Crystal Beth) and Mr. Intensity!
(He enters with pins in his face and a 30-pound weight attached below his trunks. The crowd grimaces at the display.)
Their opponents, team H-is-for-HUH?!, The Violent Pacifist! (he runs to the ring and starts attacking Coma)
Announcer Boy gets out of the ring as the Violent Pacifist in a fit of rage punches Coma in the teeth! Blake Rogers and MonkeyBoy don't know whether to stop him or let him go.
An' of course they gonna let him go postal on team G.
VP takes Coma to the top...Nine Inch Nailer through the Spanish Announcer's Table! Coma is out, no matter what. The Violent Pacifist going at Sweet Candy Andy now. Andy swings with his silver duck's-head cane and misses. Overhead smash, and VP grabs the cane. He swings it and the beak shatters Andy's sunglasses! Andy rolls out of the ring clutching his eyes.
Look at the faces of the Pacifist's teammates. Sure he's helping them advance, but if the Pacifist keeps this up, what's going to happen to them in the final round?
It's Mr. Intensity's turn.
Mr. Intensity: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Mr. Intensity: yie! yie! yie! *whimper*
Holy cow! The Violent Pacifist just out-aahhhed the aaahhhher himself! The Violent Pacifist, singlehandedly destroying his opposing team.
Not like it's accurate, but your winners, the Violent Pacifist, Blake Rogers and MonkeyBoy!
The Violent Pacifist with an unbelievable display of violence. I can only anticipate his performance in the next round.
The next round is upon us...first, team I-is-for-Incredibly Long Odds, Jan Plee! (he enters with a tiny Czech Republic flag in one hand and a half-swilled jar of plzener in the other) Sculder! (he slinks to the ring, hoping nobody sees him. Even if he was in plain sight, nobody would) and Rick the Groggy-Faced Gremlin! (he enters with a voice-overed "Ahh-CHOO! CHOO! CHOO!")
Their opponents, Team-J-is-for-well, just ask douja what it stands for... the Organ Grinder! (he runs to the ring, trying to get J. Fred Kokomo off his face), Gruff! (he lumbers to the ring, looking menacing) and douja! (a large cloud of haze floats to the ring, carrying what most likely is douja)
Gruff vs. Sculder right now. Sculder with a kick to Gruff's knees. Gruff replies with a headbutt. Sculder sinks to the floor. Gruff bounces off the ropes. Off the other ropes. Splash! Sculder hawks up a huge gob as the wind is knocked out of him.
Less hope da wind is d'only t'ing knocked outta him, I ain't gonna clean it up uddawise.
I think that's it for Sculder. 1...2...3!
Sculder has been eliminated!
Jan Plee in the ring now. Gruff tags in the Organ Grinder. The Organ Grinder demanding that Jan defect from the Czech Republic and swear allegiance to the Organ Grinder's new regime!
OG: I demand that you...oh. Okay.
Jan Plee looks confused. I don't think he understood half the words. Typical for someone of his English skills.
Jan: I am not to understood your english skillings. I aren learns from a book!
OG: Sigh. I guess I'll just have to beat you into fealty.
The Organ Grinder with a Grindercanrana! Jan Plee is up, dusts it off, he executes a Pleeplex!
Oh, come on, these two are just as worthy of signature maneuvers as anyone.
Even David Flair?
Okay, not anyone. Organ Grinder and Jan Plee in a collar-and-elbow. They're locked up tighter than my chastity b...er, Fort Knox?
So I guess your wife found out about Louise, eh?
I refuse to comment. The two combatants still locked up. You know, guys, you're supposed to do something as a follow-up.
OG: It's not a rest hold? Oh damn.
Jan Plee rakes the eyes of the Grinder, gets behind him, German suplex! Or maybe a Czech suplex.
Grinda's a<-BLEEP-> couldn't cash THAT Czech!
Jan to the middle rope...flying elbow! 1...2...OG puts a foot on the rope, that was close! Jan pulls the Organ Grinder to the center of the ring. Here come J. Fred Kokomo!
J. Fred leaps into the ring, Jan ducks, the monkey is latched firmly onto the Organ Grinder once again!
Jan makes a cover: 1....2.......3!
The Organ Grinder has been eliminated!
douja becomes the replacement. Jan Plee sniffs at douja.
Jan: Ha ha ha! He are smellsed liken burning rope!
douja: watchoo call my momma?
Jan: Your mater smell like burning rope as well also too?
douja: thass it, yo' romanian a<-BLEEP-> is capped.
douja blatantly kicked the Plee brother below the belt!
As Jan is doubled over douja sets him up....the Chronic Neck Pain! 1...2...3!
Jan Plee has been eliminated!
Here comes Rick Sickly. He's sneezing up a river of phlegm as douja tags Gruff back in. Gruff leaps over the top rope and smashes a knee right in the square of Rick's back. That's gotta hurt!
Really? Can I try it on you, Cap?
The nerves on that area have long since died, I'm afraid. I wouldn't feel a thing there, Jamal.
Uh...no, I've...uh....got that same nerve thing Cap does.
Rick the Groggy-Faced Gremlin unleashes his desperation move: showing off his scabby bandage! He's taking it off now...
Gruff is visibly sickened by the display. But it'll take more than a few open sores and boils to get a man like Gruff down. Rick battering-rams his head into Gruff's chest. Gruff steps back but stays up.
Rick on the other hand is seeing stars!
Gruff stomps on Rick and hooks the leg: 1....2...3! Yay, another one's over.
Ladies and gentlemen, your winners, Gruff, the Organ Grinder and douja!
Yo' lass firs'roun' matchup comin' up nex'!
Have we used up our apostrophe quota yet?
No, I am reasonably sure we can keep going without forcing ourselves to spell everything out in full.
Your final first round match...in recap form! Why? Because right after this, as a change, we're going to have the Nicolas Cage match! And nobody wants to read this match in full anyway.
SMP: WHAT?! Everyone wants to see me! You are so lucky that I have to save this rage for Frosty or else I'd take my boot, polish it up quite well, rotate it ninety degrees, and...
(The Thought Police grab Dr. Plants by the elbows and take him offscreen)
ZNM v.6.9 © Albatross Brothers Gaming Corporation
And his opponent- The man who stole Brianne Warm's Heart, The Smooth Operator, DR. SILACONNE M. PLANTS! (Plants swaggers to the ring as only he can.)
And the cage is sealed- and we're off!
It'll be interesting to see how things go as both men have already had a match tonight.
Yes indeed, Cap. Both men enduring grueling matchups to get to this point-
J Gruelin'? Those fights was like five minutes, yo!
When did you change your name to Jamal Tupac Kayfabe?
Aiight... let's jus' watch the match, yo.
Neige starting things off with a Frankencarana right away! How did he manage to pull that off? That was luchalicious!
Oh god. You sicken me sometimes, you know that?
Whatever the case may be, it had very little efeect on the Dr. Probably something to do with that unwritten rule that the big moves never really work until later. Too bad Neige didn't remember that.
But he got a tape now, yo! Owie!
That's right, Jamal! Neige just clobbered Plants with a copy of Raising Arizona! And it looks like the corner of the box struck him just so as Dr. Silaconne M. Plants starts to welt up!
This is ridiculous. I don't get the things you young people watch. I'm just going to watch some Jimmy Stewart movies on my monitor. Let me know when this is all over.
As they will, Cap... as they will. Plants now retaliating, hurtling a copy of Con Air across the ring at the Ninja Snowman, who deftly dodges and lunges after the Doctor.
An' lissen to the crowd, yo! They behind Plants alla way!
Well, Jamal, any enemy of Neige Thirteen is a friend of the crowd here tonight. Canada this may be, but it is not that tiny little section of the country known as Neige's Imagination where he's loved.
By anyone, yo.
True enough. But he is taking control of this matchup nonetheless! A huge clothesline by Neige takes Plants down! Neige nopw pinning Plants to the ground an whacking him with Valley Girl in one hand and Rumble Fish in the other!
OH, THE HUMANITY!
Wazzap, yo? You back with us?
No, you fool... they're going to close the bank! Poor George......
Oh my. Well, back to the ring as Dr. Plants is trying to fend off the pummeling he's getting from the Neige. And a little bit of Leaving Las Vegas to the cranium takes Neige right off his feet as both men stagger up!
Neige got something tho... izza copy of 8MM! That movie was messed up, yo.
Never saw it, Jamal. But good heavens! Neige smacking Plants with that tape and then driving him headfirst into the side of the cage! Ouch!
An' he goin all out on that cage! Neige just be killin' Plants! Wait! Whazzat?
It looks like Plants got hold of something that was taped to the cage where he's getting smashed! It's a brand new copy of Gone in 60 Seconds! And he's got it in the air just as Neige attempts the headbutt- OHHHH!
Plants is rockin' now, yo! He's smashing Neige with that movie an' it's comin' apart!
And Neige is reeling as Plants is poised to act! What's that he's got? It's a copy of Fast Times at Ridgemont High! And boy, did he ever let Neige have it with that thing!
Wha? Nic Cage wunnin' that movie, yo!
I'm way out of my element here.
Indeed you are, Cap. Take your medicine and enjoy the rest of Rear Window. And Yes, Jamal, he was in fact in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.... he worked at the fast food restaurant and appears in the credits with the last name "Coppola." Nepotism is a beautiful thing.
Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the match, and the NEW Intergalactic Champion, DR. SILACONNE M. PLANTS!
Feh. Kind of like being the king of a country with no people.
Cheah, you go, Cappy T!
How can you two say that! This is the most prestigious title in the history of Our Great Sport (TM)! Anyway, we're through with that little thing and now the Chaos continues! Let;s take you up to Announcer Lad as he introduces out next match! Round two of Canada Day Chaos, coming at you next!
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the first bout in the second round of Canada Day Chaos! Currently making their way to the ring, the team that was victorious in the first round, SIR HUNGALOT, TYROME MAYHEM, AND BILLY POLAR!
(The Team heads to the ring looking a bit spent, but non the worse for wear considering thy've been waiting backstage for several months.)
And their opponents, the team of GARY "THE GLUTTON" GOURMANDO, NEIGE THIRTEEN, and BOBO FIENDISH!
(The three march out to the ring, though in Neige's case it's more of a stumble.)
And their opponents, the team of GARY "THE GLUTTON" GOURMANDO, NEIGE THIRTEEN, and BOBO FIENDISH! (The three march out to the ring, though in Neige's case it's more of a stumble.)
Neige doesn't look so good. I guess that title match took a lot out of him.
You said it, Cap, and Neige is having trouble getting to his corner as all six men clear the ring in preparation for the match to begin. And here comes Billy Polar pounding on Neige! Quick Tag out to Tyrone Mayhem, who just sort of lies on top of the Snowman.
One, two, three! That's my boyeeee, Tyrone! BBPD! BBPD!
And that's it!
Well, Cap, Neige just got his brain scrambled in the Nicolas Cage match, you can't expect him to come back a matter of moments later and have him ready to fight. He was barely conscious going into this match.
But lookit Bobo go, yo!
Bobo Fiendish in the ring now and he is just tearing into Tyrone Mayhem! Look at that! Whatever Neige didn't have, Bobo's got in spades!
Neige looks to be struggling to his feet outside the ring... he's up and whining to the referee now, who's attention is being taken from the the goings on inside the ring...
And Bobo doesn't look any too pleased with this turn of events... he's got Tyrone pretty beat up and no referee in there if he tries to finish him off...
AAAARGH! GET AWAY FROM HERE, YOU INSIPID PIECE OF FILTH!
Deeeyamn! Bobo out'da ring and rippin' into Neige!
Oh my, this is brutal! Bobo Fiendish is taking Neige Thirteen apart piece by piece in utterly savage fashion!
But this isn't the smartest thing he could be doing.... The referee is counting Bobo even as we speak...
And that's it! Bobo Fiendish has eliminated himself from the contest! But you know, he's captured the hearts of everyone here in attendance with the brutal beating that he's still dishing out to Neige on the entrance ramp! Meanwhile, Tyrone is trying to get back to his corner while Sir Hungalot and Billy Polar are conferring about Gourmando, who is trepidaciously stepping through the ropes. They seem to have formulated a plan of some kind... and Tyrone makes the tag to the Big Sir!
So what's Polar doing down at ringside now? He should be back over in his corner!
Brotha got a plan, yo!
The Great White Luchador sneaking around the side now while Hungalot anf The Glutton circle in the ring. And what's BP got under down his trunks.... it's a....
Oh, for the love of God.
Billy Polar pulling an enormous sausage out of his tights and taunting Gary with it! Gourmando lunging for it as Billy hurls is across the ring! Gary trying to twist mid lunge and he's off balance-- he hits the canvas hard!
I'm not saying it's pretty, but I have to admit is seems like a good plan what with Gary's considerable girth.
And it looks as if he cant' get up as Big Sir goes for the cover! One... two.. three!
Ladies and Gentlemen, your winners-- SIR HUNGALOT, TYRONE MAYHEM, and BILLY POLAR! Hey... they can't all be five-star matches.
Well that was impressive. A clean sweep by th victorious team! Let's keep rolling, folks!
Our next bout, folks- please welcome the team of WOODSTOCK, THE TIGER, and "SOFTCORE" ZACK! (Zack and the Tiger come out with a pail of slush that may or may not have been Woodstock.)
Tiger taking a mike... what's he got to say?
All right folks, let me speak on this!
I taught him that, yo.
We're down to two people on our team and that's not exactly fair. Thanks to Luke, there is no Woodstock and no even sides going into this thing! Now, being a fan of fair play, it's only right that the person responsible for this..... terrible tragedy come out and take Woostock's place on this team... just to keep things fair. So, Luke, get out here and let's go!
(The sound of stuff breaking erupts from the PA as the crowd goes wild/wakes up with a jolt.)
And here he comes! Luke Warm right back in this thing just when it looked like The Tiger and Zack were going in at a huge disadvantage!
And making their way to the ring, their opponents-- THE VIOLENT PACIFIST, "FASCIST" BLAKE ROGERS, and MONKEY BOY!
And we're underway! Luke and Blake Rogers in the ring right now.... Luke actually seems to want to have a conversation with Blake more than anyhting else. I guess it behooves Luke to get to know the newcomers.
This is a bad thing for Rogers... he's too naturally trusting. It's an unusualt trait for a fascist, but-
STONECUTTER! Luke just nailed Blake when his guard was down and gets the cover right off the bat!
Thaz an unusually cheap move, yo.
This isn't the time to expect sportsmanship, Jamal! This one's for all the marbles!
How do you figure? What does the winner of the match even get?
Prestige, Cap. It's all about the prestige.
Whatever. Monkeyboy in the ring now and running around Luke Warm. Luke doesn't know what to make of this guy and he's more than a little unsure of himself here.
And it's costing him! A flurry of punches and kicks by Monkeyboy sends Luke to the mat... Luke rolling out of the ring to catch his breath...
Check it out... he's goin' over to his corner fo' somethin'.
Looks like he's conferring with his teammates and they seem to have some sort of a plan here. Luke getting back in the ring now...
And WOW! A big shot to Monkeyboy, who got a little too cozy resting up while Luke was outside. And a HUGE clothesline sends Monkeyboy out of the ring!
Luke tagging in Zack now... wha- throwing Zack into the ropes and WHOA!
Luke launching Zack into Monkeyboy outside and both men are out cold! Now that's some "innovative offense!"
Lookin' like a countout, yo!
That must have been the plan! The team of Zack, Luke, and the Tiger were up three to two so they could afford a sacrifice play! And now it's The Violent Pacifist up against what may arguably be the best cheap heat tag team in wrestling today! And they're both in the ring just pummeling the living daylights out of the Big Sir!
Well... with Zack out of the picture, who is the legal man- Luke or the Tiger?
Well, the referee seems to be taking his frustrations out on Luke and telling him to get out of the ring, so I guess it's supposed tobe the Tiger. But Luke is not heeding him at all- double suplex from The Faces of Death! And they continue to pummel VP!
Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has thrown Luke Warm out of the match!
And listen to all the boos from the crowd as Luke Warm heads to the back, guzzling a Yoo-Hoo.
But really, Cap, I think the damage was done here. The Violent Pacifist never really getting a chance to mount an offense at all and he's already on rubber legs!
Tiger sizin'im up. Goin' fo a big dragon suplex, yo!
And he hits it! Nowhere to go for the VP and this one is over!
Your winners.... THE TIGER, "SOFTCORE" ZACK, and LUKE WARM!
And the Tiger takes the win with a full nelson back suplex into a bridge. Beautiful move! As I understand it, he picked that up during his days in Japan wrestling for the Super Collision Fight Wrestle promotion under the tutilege of Mega Fire Crush Beast and Intense Wasabi...
Things heating up here as yet another match ends, sending another team to the finals.
Yea, but dat was cheap, yo!
Wait- I'm getting something over my headset-
What headse- uhm, what's that coming over your headset, Angus?
The Right Hand Man is going to make an announcement! And there he is in the ring now!
Okay, folks, I know what we just saw, and I didn't like it anymore than you did. So what if they're part of Faces, Inc. -- a cheap win is still a cheap win, and that's not what we're about here in the STWF.
Has the RHM been drinking?
So I assure you- any more teams that try cute little maneuvers like that will be summarily disqulaified! If the heels try anyhting cheap like that, they're gone! (Crowd cheers) And all you faces and megafaces in the STWF, the same goes for you! (Crowd boos as the RHM exits.)
Amazing how the moral standards of a wrestling fan flap in the wind like that for faces and heels.
Well, we're down to one team now to be decided for the final match to determine who will wrestle in the final match for the final bout of Canada Day Chaos!
You makin' my head hurt, dawg.
For once I agree with you. Let's just go to ringside.
This is the final match of Canada Day Chaos, Round Two. Now making their way to the ring, the team of THE ORGAN GRINDER, GRUFF, and DOUJA!
(The team marches to ringside in a cloud of smoke.)
And their opponents... BILL, DA SASSY ONE, and DR. SILACONNE M. PLANTS!
And their opponents... BILL, DA SASSY ONE, and DR. SILACONNE M. PLANTS!
(In digest form, just to keep the ball rolling)
Bill is out first, maimed horribly in a freak ring entry accident and pinned by Douja.
Douja is pinned by Da Sassy One after a lengthy diatribe from sassy about pizza and chips that sends Douja into a near-catatonic state.
Da Sassy One and The Organ Grinder get into a shouting match in which both men run out of air and fall unconscious.
Silaconne M. Plants Beats Gruff because Plants is the IG champ and... who the heck is Gruff?
Your winners- the team of what's left of BILL, DA SASSY ONE, and SILACONNE M. PLANTS!!!!
Well folks, that's it! The final three teams set to go at it here in just a minute! You've got to think that as Team Plants heads back to the locker room only to emerge in mere moments the advantage is very much against them as they've had almost no time to recuperate!
As if having BILL on your team wasn't enough of a liability in ad of itself....
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the final match in the team competitions of Canada Day Chaos! The three members of the winning team in this match will stay in the ring and face each other to determine the one ultimate winner of Canada Day Chaos! Introducing the first team: SIR HUNGALOT, TYRONE MAYHEM, and BILLY POLAR!!!
And here they come! And they've had a lot of time to rest, and they're ready to fight!
And the next team, THE TIGER. SOFTCORE ZACK, and LUKE WARM!
(Explosive popping for the megafaces as they make their way to the ring.)
And the final team in this matchup-- BILL, DA SASSY BITCH, and DR. SILACONNE M. PLANTS!
(The team comes to the ring. BILL is heavily bandaged and Plants looks very worn.)
And the final team in this matchup-- BILL, DA SASSY BITCH, and DR. SILACONNE M. PLANTS! (The team comes to the ring. BILL is heavily bandaged and Plants looks very worn.)
And this one is-
ONE... TWO... THREE!
Yow! Da's it, yo. BILL is gone...
Well, it's not as if this should come as a surprise to anyone. Ooh, and poor BILL! It looks like a pack of hungry dogs was drawn to the scent of blood he was trailing and their unraveling his bandages with great fanfare and much carnage while BILL is headed back to the dressing room!
Well, it's BILL. What's there to say, really?
Zack and Sassy in the ring now... and Billy Polar also in the ring. Sassy lipping to Polar and Zack. Both men sort of shrugging- I think we have a temporary allegiance here!
And they're really going to town on Sassy. I think he's beginning to appreciate the value of not being so Sassy now as a double beatdown has him reeling!
And look at him barely able to stand in the middle of the ring as both men bounce of opposite sides of the ringropes...
Screw this! What's the point of winning this ridiculous thing anyway? A shot at my own title? I'm the IG champ, you halfwits! What do I need all this grief for?
And with that the doctor is out! He's headed back to the dressing rooms.
A little classier than Luke's exit, to be sure.
Tiger and Tyrone Mayhem in the ring now... Tiger casually tags out to Zack, who leaps in with vim and vigor!
Go Tyrone! Go boyeeeee!
And Tyrone Mayhem locks up with Zack. A quick sweep by Tyrone taking Zack off his feet- Tyrone Mayhem delivering a quick elbow and then tagging out right away to Sir Hungalot.
And quick tags are a good idea in a match like this. Some nice strategy by the unlikely team of Tyrone and Hungalot.
Indeed. And a huge fist from the larger Sir Hungalot sends Zack crashing to the canvas. Hungalot scooping Zack up and sending him out to the floor!
And it looks like he's going to be joining Zack out there now.
Big Sir grabing a steel chair outside now and OH! Sends it crashing across the back of Zack! The referee finally finished his copy of Juggs and it looks like he's getting involved in the match, admonishing Hungalot and forcing him back into the ring.
What's Zack doin', yo?
Looks like he's rummaging around under the ring. Probably looking for scraps of food.
I don't think so, Cap. He's after a weapon! And he's got a -- big beanbag... uh... throwing it in the ring now and coming up on Hungalot.
That's wac, yo!
He's winding up and he wallops Sir Hungalot with that beanbag!
What possible effect will that have on anything?
I don't think it will, but wait-- Hungalot looks to be wavering! His breathing a little labored... it looks like he's laughing so hard at Zack that he's incapacitating himself!
And look at Zack soaking it all up. He really thinks he's taking it to the guy!
Zack tagging in Tiger now- but Hungalot doesn't see it! He's turning around expecting to see Zack there with something soft and harmless but catches a huge sidewalk slam from the Tiger instead! Put this one in the books!
He goin' for it, yo!
Tiger Driver! One... Two... Three!
And look at this. Who ever thought we would see the Tiger and Tyrone Mayhem squaring off?
Well, they're talking it over now... they've been friends and stablemates for too long for this to get vicious, I'm sure... but wait... they're raising their fists to each other! The crowd is dead silent...
And they look two be winding up to take their best shot... one, two...
Nobody hit nothin', yo....
Wait! I see now... the fists are opened... Tyrone got scissors, and Tiger got a rock! The Tiger wins! What an intense display of true competition!
Ladies and gentlemen, the finalists, advancing to the three way dance, THE TIGER, LUKE WARM, AND "SOFTCORE" ZACK!
And so it goes....
Well folks, that was certianly an interesting way to wrap things up going into the final match! Zack and Tiger both exceptionally rested, but probably not as much as Luke Warm, who took a powder early on.
Tiger and Luke and Zack in one ring... it's gonna be sweet, yo!
And here we go with the final match of the night, folks!
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the final match of Canada Day Chaos! Now making their way to the ring, the three contestants who will square off against one another for th distinction of.... well... for the... well, they fight each other. Making their way to the ring, here are first, from Richmond, VA-- THE TIGER!
(El Tigre comes to the ring as "Eye of the Tiger" blares. The crowd pops.)
SOFT CORE ZACK!!! (Zack approaches the ring with a moderate pop.)
And (massive crowd noise).... LUKE WARM!!!! (Stuff breaking, huge pops, no Luke.)
I guess Luke just kept running after hightailing it out of that match... So we're down to The Tiger and "Softcore" Zack for the whole enchilada!
Enchiladas give me gas.
And here we go as The Tiger and Zack square off! Both men circling....
Ooh! Big shot by the Tiger and he follows up with a body slam. Going in now and pulling Zack up by the hair.
Waitasec... Zack going into his tights... what's he got there?
He swingin' yo!
And Zack just nailed the Tiger with... NERF Brass Knuckles? Tiger just sort of laughing at Zack, and the referee not even bothering to admonish The Innovator.
But it looks like the Tiger is a little too amused- he's not focusing and he pays for it as Zack nails an inverted atomic drop.
That's no softcore move, that's for sure. We know that the Tiger will be feeling that one for a while.
His kidz'll feel that one, yo.
Zack now mounting an offense and hits the Tiger with a clothesline.... he's headed outside the ring now... looking for a foreign object... and what's that he's got?
Looks like a table... but a really flimsy one...
It is! It's a cardboard table that Zack has tossed in the ring... where do all those tables keep coming from? And how did Zack manage to have a cardboard tale waiting specially for him? It boggles the mind, I tell you!
Don't think about it, yo.
And Tiger is up- Zack wasted too much time! And Tiger catching Zack on his way in the ring and slamming him through the table! Looks like that one backfired on the softcore one.
Except for the fact that it had no effect on him at all. That is one big advantage of being offensively worthless. Even if the tables are turned, so to speak, it doesn't mean a thing.
And Zack right back to his feet and moving for the Tiger, who's looked more amused than anything up to this point.
He gotta start really fighting or he gonna get surprised by Zack, yo!
Ah, Jamal, sometimes you really crack me up. Zack lunging for the Tiger now and connecting with a halfhearted spear that knocks the former IG champ off balance!
Amazing! I think that's the closest Zack has come to... anything in quite some time!
And the Tiger down now while Zack goes for a restho- headlock. He's got tiger from behind in the far corner of the ring while the ref checks to make sure Zack isn't choking anyone.
Tha'z not his style, yo.
True enough, Jamal. I doubt Zack would actually do anyhting dangerous, really. Bu why is the Tiger sitting there and taking this? He let himself get knocked over and now he's just folded into that headlock in the corner.
Take it from an old man, Angus, there's a lot more to it than that.... the Tiger's a wily one. Look at his hands... he's got one arm up behind Zack's neck and the other arm's got the leg hooked....
Well I'll be, Cap... your ancient eyes have actually picked up on something! It looks like the tiger let Zack get close as part of some strategy.
Tiger up an' movin', yo! He pickin' Zach up into the ropes... looks like...
TIGER DRIVER! He nails it! One.... two... three!
Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner of Canada Day Chaos.... THE TIGER!!!
And with a match that makes Hulk Hogan's workrate look stellar, that's the end of that! Well, what a night it's been here, folks! On behalf of Jamal Tupac Mustafa and Captain Twilight, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden saying toodle-pip!