Mondays and Rainy Days Always Get Me Down


(especially when that rain is COLD)

(Pan interior of the Slobberknocker Arena. Multiple Chromakeys are placed around the stands. Images of packed crowds are shown on them so the home people see a capacity crowd, but the regular audience just wonders why a bunch of green billboards are surrounding them)
WELCOME! To an ACTION-PACKED edition of Monday Nae Trous!
I can't wait, Vince! Gruff returns to fight the Tiger! Rump Ranger and Da Sassy One, one-on-one! The Intergalactic Belt on the line in a three way dance! Wow!
Wuthuuuuup! Heh heh...cain't get over that, yo.
I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden alongside Captain Twilight, and much to my chagrin, Jamal Tupac Mustafa. What's going on with you guys?
Nothing. About to watch the game...
Havin' a Beer For Girls...
True. True. Okay, but first, a spectacular rookie match as "The X-Treme Athlete" Bryan Carson takes on BILL! We'll see just how X-Treme Carson is.
Currently in the...(the mic is snatched by BILL)
BILL: Listen up! I'm a three-time...THREE-TIME! (holds up three fingers on both hands - a hard task to do when you're holding a mic, but all those broken fingers made him double-jointed) broken neck survivor, not to mention my spinal-tap operations, my skull trepanning and my eyelid tuck! So X-Treme Athlete, bring it on! And somebody betta CALLLLL me an ambulance, cause I'm gonna get a beatdown tonight! Let's just see if I can't take you to hell with me! Now let me dance. (does some shuffling on the canvas, then does the splits with an audible muscle rip. Announcer Lad helps him up.)
I'm fine!
His opponent, from Santa Barbara, California, weighing in at 265 lbs., here is the X-Treme Athlete, Bryan Carson!
("What If" by Creed plays as Bryan Carson comes out with a surfboard.)
Bryan Carson: Wait a sec, X-Treme Wrestling? Hey now...X-Treme Sports like surfing and snowboarding I get, but I really don't know what I was getting into here...does this have to be extreme?
BILL: YEAAAHHHHH! Of COURSE! You asked for X-Treme, you got it!
Bryan Carson: Um...okay, well I guess I'd better leave my gal Sara away from ringside. I'd hate to see her get hurt.
Crowd: Awwwwww.
***bell rings.
BILL smashes Bryan against the buckle. Monkey flip by BILL. Carson is up and he puts a legdrop down. Sloppy cover: 1 and a kickout.
This isn't very extreme.
Let's help make it more extreme...grab some stuff, yo.
Guys, you get back here! What are you doing with that monitor? Well folks, Captain Twilight and Jamal Tupac Mustafa are grabbing various props for use in that ring. Bryan Carson just smashed that monitor over BILL's head, chalk another one up on the concussion side. BILL just grabbed an Eezie-Bake Oven from ringside, and he drives it REPEATEDLY into the gut of the X-Treme Athlete.
Girl in audience: Hey! Gimme that back! No fair, I'm telling!
Sorry, kiddo, but de fate of extremeness in de STWF rests on dis.
Oh my Lord! Captain Twilight has just made available a tray full of hot grease from the deep-fry-o-matic in the kitchen. This is NOT going to be pretty.
*hissssssss*
BILL has been greased! His face must feel like it's on fire! Bryan Carson with a small package: 1....2...shoulder up! The Asylum Alliance member isn't giving up so easily tonight. Uh-oh...here comes the table. Why is it that 9 out of 10 extreme matches end with tables? But wait...that's no ordinary table, that's formica! You can't get that to break!
Well we're sure as hell gonna try.
BILL has Bryan Carson in position for a BILL-plex through the table...Bryan flipped backwards and there goes BILL into the table.
*thunk*
Hmph, big surprise, it didn't break. Bryan Carson uses his surfboard offensively, and presses him onto the table again!
*thunk*
Damn it, can we get a pre-cut pressboard table out here?
Where'a dey?
Think logically! Under the ring of course! Duh.
Hunh...whattaya know, so dey are.
Finally, we've got a reasonable weapon out here. It's laid up in the corner and the only question that remains is, who goes through it? BILL puts on a kneelift. Irish whip on Carson, reversal... BILL goes into the table!
*thunk*
Shame it's the formica one. Carson does a jumping armbar on BILL! Oh, did you hear that snap? The entire arena must have heard that. BILL's arm hanging limply...and here he goes through that pressboard table!
*KEE-RASH*
Ah, that's more like it. Bryan Carson dives for the cover: 1...2...3! It's over!
Here is your winner, the X-treme Athlete Bryan Carson!
Wow! Here come the Ambulance Jockeys, ready to take BILL away yet again. Too bad, he tried so hard tonight.
You want X-Treme? I got your X-Treme right here! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Mr. Intensity! He's cutting a hole from underneath the ring with a chainsaw! Now he's pulling Bryan Carson down! What's going to happen?
Nothing. It's just a jokey angle.
Maybe I shoulda said sumpin' when I saw him under da ring while grabbin' dat table.
And spoil the surprise? Nah.
What an opening match! Can we top that?
Of course. With the Rump Ranger and Da Sassy One.
He said top that, not bottom it.
The comments of Jamal Tupac Mustafa do not NECESSARILY reflect those of the STWF/CSTLL. This program is rated TV-14-D.
Da Sassy One is in the ring now...
DSO: I'M NOT GAY!
Crowd: ARE YOU SURE?!
(The William Tell Overture plays as Glitter comes to the ring and the Rump Ranger riding her.)
YO GO, GLITTER!
***bell rings.
The Rump Ranger steps daintily into the ring between the top and middle ropes. Da Sassy One with a double axehandle! Pulling Rumpy by his mask into the ring. Bulldogging headlock.
Da Sassy One really laying some heavy beats to the Rump Ranger early on.
He one tough little b<-BLEEP->ch, yo.
I'll agree with those sentiments. Rump Ranger mounting a comeback, there's a spinning back kick. Double jump kick and a footsweep to take down Da Sassy One. He covers: 1...kickout on 2. Pulling up Da Sassy One, the Rump Ranger is in control here, gutwrench suplex!
My gut's wrenching alright.
The Undefendable Champion with a splash from the middle rope. He covers again: 1...2...no. Da Sassy One scrambles to his feet to get up. Kicks to the knees of Rump Ranger. Swinging neckbreaker! Sassy covers: 1...2...and a near fall. Rumpy and Sassy are in a tie-up. RR jerking on the arm of DSO...Irish whip to the buckle. Rump Ranger kicking him into the corner a few times...here's the lasso motion...
Aw, naw, not agin!
It's the Bronco Buster! Yee haw! He's picking up Sassy now...
Thankfully...
And heeeere comes the Rump Shaker! It's over! 1...2...3! Okay, NOW it's over, sorry about being a little early there.
Here is your winner...the RUMP RANGER!
He may have lost to Da Sassy One at SUPERCARD V, but the Rump Ranger proving that he always gets his man in the end.
*AHEM* As it were.
??? Okay...very nice, Cap. And now...Gruff vs. the Tiger!
This contest is scheduled for one fall. Entering the ring first, representing Faces Incorporated (pop) from Richmond, Virginia (Pop), the one and only TIGER! (POP)
("Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor can barely be heard. Signs go up that read "Kick Neige's (blurred) 4 Me", "Neige is Going Down" followed by "On Whom?", and "I Still Can't Believe You're White")
His opponent, from Birmingham, England, weighing a staggering 450 lbs., accompanied by Anarchy, here is GRUFF!
("Man Don't Give a F...darn" by Super Furry Animals plays. Anarchy wheels out to ringside, followed by Gruff in a goat-hair ensemble. Mixed reaction for Gruff. Signs read "Welcome Back" and "The Goats Are Not What They Seem")
***bell rings.
The Tiger shellshocked for a moment...
I bet he doesn't remember Gruff being that big.
Tiger: You're damn right I don't!
That hesitation just cost him. Gruff grabs the Tiger by the neck and hauls him up, then drops him.
That's not quite a chokeslam...but it sure is impressive!
So who is dis freak?
Jamal, surely you remember Gruff and Anarchy. They were some of the first competitors when the STWF made its Monday Nae Trous debuts. They fought at SUPERCARD III? Anything?
An' you expect me to remember dese tings? I can barely remember two months ago!
(Somewhere, a one-night stand girl of his is crying)
The Tiger with some big chops to no effect. Hiptoss completely ignored by Gruff. Gruff with a snap suplex. Huge legdrop by the goat herder.
My God, would you take a look at the size of that drumstick!
What? You got a problem? Can't a guy eat a giant eagle without being accosted? BRAAAAP!
The Tiger is up, head scissors gets the bigger man down. That's the ticket, keep him on the ground and that size advantage disappears. Camel clutch...Gruff not submitting...the ref is asking...Gruff slowly getting to the ropes...
V talkin' like Will Shatner and got way too many pauses happ'nin...
Sorry. Gruff gets the rope break. He's up and rubbing his neck, the Tiger quick to react with a drop toehold. He follows it up with a spinning toehold.
Keeping him vulnerable and going for the submissions instead of the power moves. Let it never be said that the Tiger doesn't have ring savvy.
Gruff with a ham of a fist continually pounding on the Tiger's legs to break the hold. What power! Both men up. The Tiger with a shoulderblock. Gruff is rocking back a bit. There's another one and Gruff is pinwheeling his arms. Tiger dropkicks Gruff down and listen to that crowd!
Crowd: WE WANT BRET! WE WANT BRET! *screeching of vinyl* TI-GER! TI-GER!
The cover: 1...2...kickout. Gruff is up. Sidewalk slam on the Tiger. Dropping a few stiff knees to wear him down. The cover: 1...2...thr...SHOULDER UP! Wow...the Tiger nearly pinned there. Gruff motioning to the turnbuckle. Anarchy is nodding...Gruff is going up. He's going for the Billy Goat's Gruff, his signature spinning moonsault!
Shades of Bohemoth!
Damn!
Tiger getting up slowly but the moonsault flattens him! Gruff hooks the leg: 1...2...3! I can't believe it, Gruff wins!
Anarchy: What's so hard to believe about that?
Um...I...
Here is your winner...GRUFF!
Victorious in his return. Could this be the man to defeat Mittens for the Intergalactic Belt?
Could de ring hold up if dose two got in it together?
Good point; I'm not sure. Look at the display of sportsmanship in the ring there. They're shaking hands.
Tiger: You were the better competitor tonight, man. Maybe we can do it again sometime so I can get a chance to beat you?
Anarchy: If the money's right, sure. We'll be in the book.
The Tiger taking his loss like a man.
I'm sure that match was a learning experience.
Yeh, big guys like dat ain't easy pickin's, they tough mofos.
And speaking of big tough mofos, Mittens is on hand next to defend the Intergalactic Belt against Neige Thirteen and Billy Polar! What a match this should turn out to be.
Mittens defending against a stablemate and a former tag team partner. I can only imagine what's going through his mind right now.
I be guessin' "Mittens smash and hurty!" Pfffhahaha, man I so clever.
This contest is scheduled to be a complete orgy of destruction. Entering first, the albino snowboarding...guy...oh whatever, Neige Thirteen!
(Boos drown out his theme music. He doesn't seem to mind too much. Or if he does, he'll probably just complain about it later.)
Next, the white luchador...guy...oh whatever, Billy Polar!
I'M BILLY POLAR, DAMN IT!
("Epic" by Faith No More plays. Good sized pop as he jogs to the ring and bounces himself against the ropes to warm up.)
Finally, the Intergalactic Champion...guy...with a beanie...Mittens!
("Intergalactic" busts out of the PA. Video footage of Mittens climbing up the Empire State Building and swatting at helicopters is shown.)
***bell rings.
Mittens kicking into Billy Polar. Neige doing the same now. Billy Polar bounces off the ropes, flying forearm on Neige Thirteen. Mittens picks up BP, and what a spinebuster that was! He covers: 1...2...no. Neige with a fistdrop on Polar and covers: 1...2...kickout. Billy Polar scrambling to his feet. He butts his opponents' heads together!
Who's 'e think he is, Moe?
Mittens shaking it off. Billy focuses on Neige...hurricanrana!
¡Arriba las ratas!
The cover, the count, the near-fall. Polar is up, Neige is up, German suplex by Polar.
Not a very luchador-esque move.
But he's American, too...
Quite.
Mittens chops Polar to the ground and sits on him for the cover: 1...2...shoulder up! That's incredible!
Neige Thirteen puts on a figure four leglock. Billy Polar just won't give! He crabwalks himself to the ropes and the hold is broken. Mittens is coming in with a steel chair! He winds up...OH! NEIGE HAS BEEN HIT!
It was a set-up!
Mittens makes the cover: 1...2...3! Mittens retains the Intergalactic Title!
Here is your winner, MITTENS!
Neige Thirteen: Ha ha! Like I said, I'd take a dive, and it's not a stable without some infighting.
Mittens: This is what Mittens has to say about that...
My God! Mittens just hit Neige again!
Mittens: Mittens doesn't need YOU, and Mittens doesn't need C3PO! Mittens has the Intergalactic Belt and that's all Mittens really needs. But what Mittens WANTS is the support of all these great fans!
(Crowd cheers)
Mittens goin' face? Man, dass wack!
Grampa: C'mere, m'boy, that's the kind of attitude I want to hear.
And Grampa is taking Mittens back! Look at them hugging there and going off to the locker room.
But wait, we don't know who won the smoke-off! Chet, do we have video footage of that?
(Cut to a smoky hallway. A door opens and a huge cloud of smoke billows out.)
Hmm...I can't really see anything, can you?
Oh, thank goodness you can't either! For a second I thought I was seized by glaucoma.
Wait, lookadere! The outline...looks like douja!
douja: huh huh.. looks like nobody beats da masta at his own game, yo.. dey all passed out in dere, Sassy B<-BLEEP->ch, VP, Candy, Gary Gourmando.. i'm gonna get some snacks befo' Gary gets the munchies too.. huh huh..
Guys in gas masks are coming to collect the fallen bodies. douja wins the Smoke-Off... so we don't know WHO will be fighting him for that belt yet! Time will have to tell.
For Captain Twilight and Jamal Tupac Mustafa, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden saying, keep your pants off!
©2000 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre