Monday Nae Trous
Please Keep Your Seats in the Locked and Upright Position

(The Pyro Guys in the Slobberknocker Arena are lighting up the sparklers. People have been complaining about the lack of sound, so one of them now also has a megaphone next to a bowl of Rice Crispees cereal (NOTE: NOT IN ANY WAY AFFILIATED WITH KELLOGG'S OR WHATEVER THE HELL COMPANY MAKES THAT HOMOPHONIC CEREAL). So with a SNAPP! QRAKKLE! PAHPP! the show begins.)
Boy, I'm getting hungry listening to that...
Good evening fans, and thanks for darkening our doorsteps once again for another monotonously exciting and repetitively thrilling episode of Monday Nae Trous! It's a double main event as Luke Warm takes on Neige Thirteen...and Billy Polar squares off against the Tiger!
Iss like getting a PPV on Monday! Only with mo' pay-per-view hype!
That's absolutely right, Jamal. Oh dear, I almost forgot, this is the pre-PPV Monday Nae Trous, and we know what that means - screwjobs galore! Won't that be fun, kids? Also on the ticket, Mittens and Woodstock of C3PO will be battling Asylum Alliance members - Homicidal Hank and BILL are here tonight, and who knows what we can expect from them?
Besides an injury...
Yes, besides that. And of course we'll see the Sickly Brothers, Czech Plees and the Total Annihilators going two-on-two-on-two in a tag match that's sure to bore please.
But let's kick things off with a double-debut encounter..."Fascist" Blake Rogers vs. "Da Jewce" Frank Horshiwitz! This one could get ugly!
Lookin' at these competitas, it sho' ain't gonna get pretty, knowwhutI'msayin'?
Yes, and if you don't watch it you're going to get yourself punked.
This contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from the great (sic) state of New Jersey, he weighs in at 155 pounds, he's "Da Jewce" Frank Horshiwitz!
("Whatever" by Godsmack plays. Frank Horshiwitz enters and slaps the hands of a few old Hasidic guys at ringside. It seems he's already garnered a small cult following.)
His opponent at this time, from Tacoma, Washington, he weighs in at 221 lbs., he is "Fascist" Blake Rogers!
(Drum rhythms start playing. Rogers marches out in a black trench coat with silver buttons, black boots, and a WWII style hat. Then "I Wish I Was Queer So I Could Get Chicks" cues up. He rips off the trench coat to reveal a pink Hawaiian shirt as he hits the ring. The Hasidic guys remain wary.)
***bell rings.
Rogers actually extending a hand out to Horshiwitz! That's sportsmanship!
That's deception, and Horshiwitz smartly avoids it.
You really can't judge a book by its cover, Cap. He's never said anything to indicate prejudices.
He's dressed like a Nazi! What more proof do you need?
Sigh - I'm not discussing this with you. Collar-and-elbow tie-up. Rogers twists the arm of Horshiwitz and there's some solid kicks to the breadbasket of "Da Jewce". Irish whip to the ropes, Horshiwitz bounces off, duckdown, bounceback, leapfrog, third bounce for Frank Horshiwitz and he's caught off guard with a bodyslam. "Fascist" putting some kneedrops down on the smaller man.
Things are not looking good for "Da Jewce" here.
Yeh, dis Fascist is gonna be Auschwitz all over his a<-BLEEP->.
Jamal, that's a terrible thing to say! Am I the only one who realizes he's not really a bad guy? Neige Thirteen is a bad guy. Sergeant Genocide is a bad guy. OddJobber is...well, he's just bad in a different sense.
Horshiwitz is up and he gives Blake a dropkick. Now he's got a hammerlock on! Nice reversal by Rogers.
Outta the way, incomprehensible boy! Let a REAL commentator do the talking! (pushes Jamal out of the announcer's booth)
Colonel "Pops" Khorne, what are YOU doing here?
Giving you guys the treat of a lifetime by gracing you with my presence, that's what!
Does this mean the Rogue's Gallery is coming back?
Boy, nothing gets by your senility, does it, Captain Geezer? I've been told to watch out for this Fascist character. Sergeant Genocide and Triple K don't know whether to let him join with them or kick his sorry behind from pillar to post for doing what he's doing!
Who's Triple K?
You'll soon find out!
Meanwhile the Fascist is laying a heavy beating to Frank Horshiwitz. Whips Horshiwitz off the ropes and ... SPINEBUSTER! Impressive.
Looks like he's setting up for his Fascistastic Finish as he takes "Da Jewce" to the top rope.
There's the hotshot...now he claims he can hang on and complete it with a German suplex. Ohhh, he missed it!
Blake Rogers (grabbing a mic) Wait...wait...I can do this.
He's pulling Horshiwitz back in the ring. "Da Jewce" rolled out, trying to get away. There's another hotshot and wait...here it comes! WHATTA MANEUVER!
Fascistastic!
There's a cover, a count, a victory for our newcomer here. And a loss for that other newcomer.
Here is your winner..."Fascist" Blake Rogers!
What a great match! Now, we all know that the Total Annihilators don't like the attitude of the Sickly Brothers, but this confrontation happened backstage just before air and DK decided to make it a three-team matchup. Roll it, Chet!
Jan: So how is things are doing, Kamera Person?
Kamera Kid: Oh, can't complain. So, how are you guys liking America so far?
Bretislav: Oh, the America is the great country. There is many happy everyplaces. There is also happy to eating the food....Burger King!
Jan: BURGER KING!! Except no plzener aren in Burger King...not favourable. And women is so friendly here, it is much different than courtings back home. Here, they make propositions and we still pay? I am not knowings. Oh! And men approaches us with white powder for nose. First one are free!
Bretislav: FIRST ONE ARE FREE! (pulls out a plastic bag of powder and starts applying it to his nose with a powder puff)
Kamera Kid: Give me that! You can't go around with that, you'll get arrested! Here, I'll take care of that for you. (pockets powder)
(Just then, the Sickly Brothers happen by and Rick the Groggy-faced Gremlin accidentally sneezes on Bretislav.)
Bretislav: Whyfore you are doing these on me?
Rick: Sorry, man. I've got valley fever.....
Jan: Dishonourings we? This is for to challenge you.
Bretislav: Ja, we will smacking onto you on burlap first chancing we are getten!
Jan: Da, we will being to hurting you on Trouserless Monday!
Rick: Tcch, Hahahaaaa-CHOOOO!! 'Scuse me. Bring it on, losers! You guys are a joke!
Bretislav: No, you are being, how you say, the loser!
Jan: Hey, opponent persons, I am telling the joke. Your Mutti has hair like goat, and gets drunk after only five plzeners! Ha ha ha, I making joke! KK: Uhhhhhhhh.....okay...
Jan: This is humoring, no?
Rick: WHAT?! Why you! ACHOOOO!!
(A scuffle ensues. The Total Annihilators show up seemingly from out of nowhere to show that indeed, this will be a three-team brawl later on.)
I'm confused...this started with a sneeze?
Can you think of a more plausible reason to feud with someone?
Not presently, no.
All three teams are in the ring, discussing how good they looked on the Monstron and waiting for this match to get underway.
***bell rings.
It's Scotty the Snotty, Carnage and Jan Plee in the ring. Carnage, the largest of the three by far, lays a huge sidekick to the head of Jan Plee, and now he's going after Scotty with a belly-to-back suplex. Jan Plee is up, he leaps on Carnage's back with some forearm shots to the head!
I guess they've got a different wrestling style down in the Third World.
Scotty the Snotty executes a lariat on Carnage, who goes down and takes Jan with him. A sloppy cover on Jan: 1...2...and a near-fall.
Bretislav is tagged in. He jumps on the top rope and gives Scotty a crossbody. He makes a cover: 1...kickout just at 2. Carnage gives Scotty a DDT! Cover: 1...2...Bretislav pulls him off! Carnage has had enough of this and he tags in Stalker.
Hey, since when is the old guy doing all the play-by-play, McMadden?
I don't know. Sometimes I wonder who writes these scr...I mean, I wonder who Cap thinks he is. Stalker pounding away at Bretislav Plee, he's got a huge weight advantage and he's using it to full potential. Now here comes the Silencer...and Bretislav taps out! Down to two teams.
Whoa, wait a second. Then why did Bretislav pull Carnage off of Scotty the first time? Are they changing the rules halfway through?
I think it's just because Czech Plees are idiots. That's just my professional opinion, of course. Feel free to challenge me on it, but don't expect me to listen.
Wow, that IS professional. Stalker and Rick the Groggy-Faced Gremlin are now the legal men. Stalker grabbing the throat of Rick...I believe it's chokeslam time!
Not so fast...
Rick: Ahhhh....ahhhh....AHHHH...
THIS isn't going to be pretty.
Why isn't Stalker letting go?
Rick: CHOOOOOO!
My Lord, Stalker is covered in a fine green mist! Shades of the Great Muta! Er...with a bad head cold.
Stalker is dumbfounded, blinded, standing in the ring and here comes a Frankensickly hurricanrana! Rick hooks the leg: 1...2...3!
Here are your winners, the Sickly Brothers!
Carnage and Stalker are harassing the ref and crying foul! Stalker is pointing to his mucus-covered face and I think the ref agrees...he's reversing the decision!
Here are your winners, as a result of a disqualification, the Total Annihilators!
Czech Plees leaving in apathy, as the other two teams destroying each other in the ring...this one's far from over...at least until SUPERCARD V! ONLY ON PAY-PER-VIEW!
This could be the best PPV ever!
No it couldn't! Because the Rogue's Gallery were left off the card! And we're mad as hell about it. Just you guys wait, after SUPERCARD it's Gallery time!
Yeah, of course it will be. *rolling eyes* This next contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, representing the Asylum Alliance, here are BILL and HOMICIDAL HANK!
("Insane in the Brain" by Cypress Hill, the Asylum Alliance theme song, plays as the two enter. Hank and BILL are randomly yelling in people's faces on the way down the aisle)
And their opponents, representing C-riously Three POd wrestlers despite the fact there's four of them...Mittens and Woodstock!
(The Imperial March plays. Woodstock hops down the aisle and Mittens runs, propeller on the beanie in full ...um...propel. SHUT UP! I'm tired!)
***bell rings.
It's BILL and Mittens in the ring first.
Is that a very smart idea for the Asylum to pit BILL against this monster?
We've established that they're nuts! Cut them some slack!
Mittens' opening gambit is a piledriver! That's confidence right there. He picks up BILL by the hair and battering-rams him into the turnbuckle! Right across with a rope burn to his own corner where Woodstock pokes him in the eyes. Homicidal Hank is furious! He gets in the ring and starts attacking Mittens. The ref in a marvelous feat of strength pushes Hank back to the Asylum corner.
So why is it that the ref can hold back the wrestlers like that, but will collapse at the slightest bump?
I think they're ref droids with superhuman strength and high motion sensitivity. I heard 'em talking about these things back in Nam.
You know, I think you've hit upon something there, Colonel. Ref droids, why didn't I think of that? Mittens and Woodstock now double-teaming BILL. The ref...or ref droid...still holding back Hank. Mittens is getting ready for the Big Hurty! That huge powerbomb...KABOOM! BILL lands on his left leg...That bone's going to have to be looked at.
Who's that man in the tubetop running to ringside?
That's Virago, and that's no man! That's a woman right there.
Pfff...yeah, right, and I'm Lenny Dykstra.
No, actually, he's Lenny Dykstra (pointing to guy in audience. He has pink hair and is fondling the midget fangirl in the next seat)
I've been out of the STWF far too long.
Mittens makes a cover: 1...2...Virago stops the count! This match is being called a no-contest. Virago and Mittens exchanging blows in the classic pre-pay-per-view fashion! Both these competitors have a chance to be the Intergalactic Champion! And you, fans, could see it on PPV if you're willing to shell out the 35 bucks! Or you could see it at the IMAX theatre where you'll pay slightly less but be gouged for concessions! Take your pick!
I pick IMAX! Can I go, please Vincy Vincy please?
Captain Twilight, you'll be seeing it live, here with me! And announcing it!
Oh...somehow it doesn't work as well when it's not in IMAX.
You gotta put up with this fogey every week?
He's not normally this bad... but that can't concern us! Right now it's Billy Polar vs. the Tiger...can the Tiger be defeated here tonight? Or will he maintain his status of "undefeatable"?
This contest is scheduled for one fall. Entering the ring first, from somewhere in California, and accompanied by Li'l Peppy Polar, here is the Greatest White Luchador, BILLY POLAR!
("Mama Said Knock You Out" by LL Cool J plays as Billy Polar enters wearing the Lazertron mask. He tries to give it to a kid, but the kid refuses to accept it. He whips it into the crowd, causing a huge empty pocket to appear. Nobody's touching that trash.)
His opponent, the "undefeatable", from Richmond, Virginia and representing Faces Inc., here is THE TIGER!
("Eye of the Tiger" plays. The Tiger enters, eating a banana. One can clearly see the Chikeeta label (not to be associated with that other banana named after a Nitro girl)...it looks like DK needs the extra ad money in these the days leading up to SUPERCARD V. The Tiger enters the ring as he finishes.)
***bell rings.
Wait, the Tiger's grabbing a mic!
The Tiger: What's with all this "undefeatable" nonsense? I'm not undefeatable! I've been beaten by plenty of people! Bohemoth, Wrestler Smurf, SMP, the Violent Pacifist...and that's just the title matches! Do I need to prove this to EVERYONE?! Come on, pin me. Right now...hell, have Peppy pin me, you think the Right Hand Man will respect me any less? Come ON!
Peppy: Doan djou do eet, man, ees a trap for shore.
Billy: Peppy's right. I know a trick when I see one. I went to Harvard, damn it! You can't fool me that easily.
Tiger: The bell's rung. I'll just lie here if you change your mind, superstar.
Offscreen voice: YOU WANT UNDEFEATABLE? I GOT YOUR UNDEFEATABLE RIGHT HERE! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
It's Mr. Intensity! And he's up in the rafters!
Oh my God! He just leapt from the rafters and is headed for the ring!
A 450 splash! No wait, an 810 splash! He's built up quite a velocity...
(Mr. Intensity misses the Tiger and Billy Polar completely. A large Intensity-shaped hole now graces the ring. You can hear a muffled "AAAAHHH!" from below the ring.)
The Tiger: I'm getting out of here, this is just getting too stupid. Who thinks up this pre-PPV crap, anyway? Forget it, I think I'll hang with the Foz, he makes more sense.
Billy and the Tiger are leaving the ring. The ref beginning a slow count. Mr. Intensity is slowly getting up...he's up!
Mr. Intensity: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
The ref is down! Just like if he got bumped!
See? The noise must have set off the droid's motion sensitivity. I told you so!
That proves nothing! Mr. Intensity now smashing himself into the security barriers for no good reason.
He's been touched in the head once too often. Did you know he named all his four sons after ice cream flavours?
That's common knowledge. Besides, he's got cute kids. Rum Raisin reminds me of me at that age.
This match is a double count-out. Furthermore this is turning out to be one of the worst pre-PPV cards we've ever had, wouldn't you agree, Cap?
Definitely. Except for those ones leading up to Canada Day Chaos '98.
What the hell happened at that card? Apparently, all we know is that B.F. Sack won.
Your guess is as good as mine, "Pops". But now...it's time for the Maiiiiiin Evennnnnnt!
It's time once again for your Monday Nae Trous Main Event Screwjob. Are you ready?
(Crowd cheers)
I said, Are You RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRReady?!
Crowd: YES, SHUT THE F<-BLEEP-> UP ALREADY!
Then, for the dozens in attendance, and the hundreds watching at home around the world...LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLet's get ready to SCREEEEEEEWWWWWJOOOOOOOB!
First, Neige Thirteen! I'm too tired to read the intros now.
("Daddy Cool" by QRN plays. He's carrying the carbon-graphite Neigeboard, complete with eraser.)
His opponent, Luke Warm!
(Luke Warm runs out without his intro mus...sound effects. He slips on the Chikeeta banana peel left by his colleague)
That was a rather shameless and overused comedy bit.
HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! YES!
Oh come now, Colonel Khorne, you can't think that's funny.
What? Oh, sorry, I was watching the OCSCW on the other monitor. You won't believe who they made the World Champion!
Who?
Neve Campbell!
Leave it to these young-adult teen-oriented-horror-movie stars to start taking all the gold.
Let me guess, she pinned Oliver Copp even when he wasn't the champ?
Wow, that's pretty good, how'd you know that?
Lucky guess. Neige taking advantage of this falls-count-anywhere match. Luke slowly getting up from his spill. Neige winding up with his snowboard...and WHAT A SHOT!
*dainty snap*
That carbon graphite board clean in half. It'll teach you to make a snowboard out of pencil lead.
Carbon fibre reinforced polymer would have been a smarter material, but that's just me.
Neige: That was a precious hare-loom snowboard! And now it's broken! I guess I'll just have to use one of my seventy-eight other precious hare-loom Neigeboards next time.
Luke Warm reeling from that attack. And not to mention slightly pencil-smudged. Luke with a punch! Neige sees that punch and raises a knee! Luke calls! It looks like Neige is a little flushed now...and what beats a flush?
Why, a royal flush, of course.
Luke's grabbing Neige's white hair and it looks like we're headed to the bathroom! Flush Gordon, resident booker in the yellow-and-red, is clapping with glee as he leads our competitors to the toilets. A guaranteed ratings grabber, this is.
Yeah, sure worked for Mr. Silent-But-Deadly over in the OCSCW.
Damn it, stop plugging that other fed! Especially before our PPV, what the hell is wrong with you two?
But Vince, we're dissing them!
It doesn't matter, that just makes us look petty and scared. Okay, Neige and Luke are getting into the stall...they open the door and good LORD!
What, is it out of order? Funny graffiti? What?
Bobo Q. Fiendish is in the stall!
Bobo: Hello, my UNintended...breaking my privacy, are we? Wait...Fledgeling Thirteen! Can't wait till SUPERCARD? Is that it?! Well...well...so be it! Just...uh, give me a minute, will you?
Bobo closes the stall door...Luke and Neige are trying the next one over. Bobo (from behind closed door): And don't try the next one over...some morbidly obese man in a chef's hat was just in there.
Third stall's a charm?
There's no toilet in that one? I don't get it!
Oh, I can field that one...since the Rogue is still in the bathroom in protest, DK took one out of the Slobberknocker Arena just in case. Although he's such a tighta<-BLEEP-> I don't think he's ever going to use it.
Why does the heel commentator always have to call Der Kommissaar ... that name?
Bobo just got out of the stall! It's two-on-one!
But wait, here comes douja now...and folks, we've run out of time! Hold on...the Violent Pacifist is in the bathroom now! And Lenny "F'n" Dykstra! Is this a brawl, or are the caterers serving Cuban again? We'll have to answer that question later, folks, so on behalf of Colonel "Pops" Khorne, Captain Twilight and Jamal Tupac Mustafa, keep your pants off and we'll see you at SUPERCARD!
©2000 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre