(Cut to Neige Thirteen's locker room. He's lacing up
his boots.)
Neige Thirteen: What do YOU want? GUNDAM IT! I can't get any privacy
around here. Go away, because you know what happens when a snowman gets
p<-BLEEP->ed!
(Pan to the locker room. Neige Thirteen is in there,
reading an "Oh My Goddess!" comic.)
Neige Thirteen: What, is it time for my match already? (looks at his
watch)
Kamera Kid: No, I'm just waiting...
Virago: I'm calling out..."COLD BLOODED" KEN THOMPSON!
Kamera Kid: Oh crap! Where's the service elevator to the sub-basement?
Neige Thirteen: How would I know? This is the first time I've been in this
building, GUNDAM IT!
This could take a while. Roll a
commercial.
(Shot of a dingy dungeon-like atmosphere. Many old
wrestlers can be seen in the cells. The Stick is banging a cup back and
forth across the bars. Broadway Musical Man is playing "Oklahoma!" on a
harmonica. "Black" Jack Dealer is building a massive house of razorcards.
One cell holds the costume for IRONMAN's "Tony Starks" persona and nothing
else. We finally come to a cell inhabited by a man whose arm is wrapped in
a red bandage, and a man with light blue skin.
Dis buildup is too much, yo.
(The Ambulance Jockeys are seen taking the Circus
Freaks away, occasionally "dropping" them and chuckling.)
Announcer Lad: What's happened here?
Kamera Kid: Alright, guys, one last hurrah.
"Plasmatic" Peter Thompson: It's about time!
"Cold-Blooded" Ken Thompson: S-s-s-so c-c-c-c-cold. Eternal c-c-c-cold.
V-v-v-vengeance!
Kamera Kid: Yeah, let's just go.
No doubt! Virago can't work the crowd
forever.
Virago: So, does anyone need proof that I'm a woman? I can show you all
right now if you like...(starts tugging at her tight shorts)
Crowd: NO! WE BELIEVE YOU!
Her opponent, FINALLY, accompanied by his brother
"Plasmatic" Peter Thompson, here is "COLD BLOODED" KEN
THOMPSON!
("Hold Me Now" by the Thompson Twins plays for about three
seconds.)
***bell rings.
The cryogenically-frozen wrestler delivering some stiff shots to Virago's
six-pack of abs. Virago staggering a bit. Collar-and-elbow tie-up...Virago
backs off and starts blowing on her hands to warm them up.
Not only is Ken Thompson's blood diluted with ice
water, he's also been spending time in the cold of the sub-basement! You
can even see some of the condensate coming off of him! Virago with an
enzuigiri kick - I don't know how she does it! I mean, she's a woman,
technically she should have no skills at all except for cooking and
cleaning!
Captain Twilight and his outdated value system's opinions in no way
reflect those of the STWF/CSTLL or any of its affiliated groups or
sponsors. Send those letters to...
Oh be quiet.
Virago picks up Thompson...turns him over...piledriver! She tries to hook
the leg, but the knee won't bend. 1...2...no. Ken Thompson gets up and
delivers an icy forearm shiver.
Yeah, you be shiverin' from the cold!
The fans could have made that joke up for themselves.
I think you give the fans too much credit, Vince.
Have you seen the comments people make on the Internet lately?
If I'm on the Internet, the last thing I want to look up is work-related
stuff.
Juss porn, right?
Well, of course, I mean I'm paying...NO! That's not it at all. I could
have you ejected, Jamal. Virago with a catapult on the former Hemophiliac.
If you'll all recall, Thompson appeared to die at the hands of Colonel
"Pops" Khorne from a simple cut, and was restored in the cryochamber
completely by accident. Now he's back and seeking revenge on humanity but
I don't think he'll find it....HERE and there's a sidewalk slam from the
woman of Androscoggin County, Maine. I think it's just about it
now...she's going to the top rope.
It's Viragonator time! There she goes! Ooh, did I
hear a crack?
I hope Ken isn't that brittle. That top-rope atomic drop just sent
Thompson into dreamland. 1...2...3! Ken Thompson's GONE!
I don' believe it!
Why not?
Here is your winner...VIRAGO!
Virago leaving the ring. Wait...Deus X. Masheena just appeared in the
ring! He grabbed the Thompson Twins...and now he disappeared! I guess
those guys really are gone. Neige Thirteen is entering, he meets Virago
halfway up.
Neige Thirteen: I thought you wanted ME!
Virago: Don't flatter yourself, honey. (presses breasts together) See you
Thursday. (blows him a kiss)
Currently in the ring, your special guest referee for
this match, the Pixie King, SUGARPLUM HARRY!
(small pop for the big man. He gets on a turnbuckle and sprinkles some of
his Pixie Dust around, then does a suggestive blubber-shaking dance in the
ring.)
Just about ready to enter the ring, from Montreal,
Quebec, but holding a weird nationalism towards Japan...NEIGE
THIRTEEN!
("Daddy Cool" by QRN plays. Boos to rival those given to Sergeant
Genocide.)
His opponent, accompanied by J. Fred Kokomo, Jr., the power-mad organ
grinder...the ORGAN GR...inder. Hmmm.
(Vic the Sound Guy misinterprets the gimmick and starts playing
"Deutschland Deutschland Über Alles". J. Fred is carrying a small
flag with the Organ Grinder's face on it.)
***bell rings.
The Organ Grinder just asked for a mic! The match has officially
started.
Organ Grinder: BOW DOWN TO ME, PEASANTS! (boos) DK! You will obey my
commands! I am the ultimate arbiter around here, and I will tolerate your
oppressive system no longer! I will be declared champion, and if you think
you can just choose who wins and loses, you're WRONG! Public speaking
skills? Athletic ability? These mean nothing! My sheer charisma alone
should...nay, MUST...guarantee me the Intergalactic Championship on a
silver platter despite my win/loss record. Fred, don't do that to the
flag! Aw, man...
Neige Thirteen: QUIT STEALING MY GIMMICK!
Neige just nailed the Organ Grinder with a
reverse DDT! Sugarplum Harry counts: 1....2....3! And just like that, it's
over.
As long as we don't get a long speech, I'm fine with it. Neige is
pulling up the Organ Grinder. I think he wants more! He's going for
the "DOKE" kick!
The kick dat sounds like "d'okay"?
Container of margarine on the announcer's booth: Butter.
Why is Gary Gourmando leaving his margarine around? And we said "DOKE",
not....
Container: Butter.
That's enough out of YOU! (throws container of
margarine)
You're supposed to throw things AWAY from the ring, AWAY!
Good shot! Y'all hit Neige square in da
head!
And saved the Organ Grinder from an insult on top of his defeat. You just
may be on his hit list now, though.
I didn't mean to! Honest! Hopefully he feels the
same way about hitting the elderly as he does about hitting
women.
Neige Thirteen: I DON'T!
Damn.
Sugarplum Harry happy to pick up a paycheque. And we're into the final
match, but first, it says that an interview is imminent...with
Homicidal Hank!
("Du Hast" by Rammstein erupts over the speakers. Since they're
STWF-quality, they quickly burn out. Homicidal Hank enters to a huge pop...
even more so when he takes off his offical "Heelside Stranglers" jacket to
reveal a "Hank 19:50" T-shirt.)
Welcome Hank. My first question: Why are the fans
cheering you? I thought you were a Heelsider now?
Homicidal Hank: I know, Vince. I try, and I try to get some heel heat,
but they just won't boo me. Look, I'll demonstrate!
(Hank scoops Vince up and powerbombs him into a table. The cheers
increase.)
Hank: See? Vince? Damn... Jamal, get your a<-BLEEP-> over here...
Yo, you gots to be kidding! Cap, go interview the
pyscho, willya?
Okey-dokey! Hank, what's on your mind?
Hank: The Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl is on my damn mind! You're looking
at the reigning record-holder. 19 minutes and 50 seconds... well, this
time I want to go one better... I am gonna be number one! Because I will
be number one! And after I've won, there will be only one! And no-one will
beat me! Capisce?
Not a word. Please explain.
Hank: *sigh* I mean, I'm volunteering to be the FIRST MAN in the
Brawl! El Numero Uno! First in the ring... and last out!
This is the strangest thing I've ever heard.
You actually want to START the Brawl?
Hank: Damn right! DK, you heard me... make it happen! Now, I'm outta
here... King Spike's gotta hot date tonight, and I have to drive him
there.
Thanks for your time, Hank.
(Hank grabs his jacket and leaves, headbutting a popcorn salesman on the
way out.)
Dat guy's nuts!
Jamal, hand me the smelling salts.
Huh? UGH! Get those things away from me. I'm up, I'm up.
This is your final match of the evening...and damn if
it's going to be a doozy! It is set for TWO FALLS OUT OF THREE. Entering
first, with a total combined weight of 624 pounds, accompanied by Li'l
Peppy Polar, they are the tag team champions - why are they entering
first? I don't know, they just are *wink*, the team of Billy Polar and
Mittens, they are...BILLY POLAR AND MITTENS!
(Vic doesn't know which theme to play, so he cues up "It's Not Right But
It's OK" by Whitney Houston. Li'l Peppy Polar, formerly known as Pepe the
Mexican Midget, is with them for some reason. Peppy still has his sombrero
but his head bandage can be seen underneath from being thrown out a
second-storey window.)
Their opponents, the challengers, with a total combined weight of 561
lbs., from Parts Unknown...they are...THE CIRCUS FREAKS!
(Nothing happens for about a minute.)
I've just received word that the Circus Freaks have been attacked! Let's
go there now.
Barry Brown: Nothing...they were laid out when we got
here...*snicker*
Garry Greene: Shut the hell up, Barry. Now if you'll excuse us, we were
asked to replace the Freaks.
YOU? Now wait a second...
Garry Greene: Easy, don't go all Okerlund on us now.
Here come the Ambulance Jockeys!
Billy Polar: What are you two morons doing out here! We're supposed to
be wrestling the Circus Freaks!
Garry Greene: Yeah, well, we're replacing them. We got the bookers in our
back pockets ever since Barry here treated Patrick Patrickson's "life
partner" after a bizarre turn of events led a fluorescent light bulb
to...
Billy Polar: *covering his ears* ENOUGH! Okay, I don't care who we
wrestle, because the Lite Death and the Big HURTY are going to trample you
flat!
Mittens: Mittens says, "Yeah!"
***bell rings.
Garry Greene to start off with Mittens. Mittens whips Garry to the corner
and he runs in with a big scissors kick himself. Garry sinks to his knees
and then collapses. Mittens goes for a running powerslam.
Mittens may not be much for opening strategy, but
damn if he's not effective in that ring! He's MY pick for the Bunkhouse
'Blivion Brawl, and you can write that one down!
(writing)"...he's not effective in that ring..."
Mittens know you dissin' 'im? I can show 'im dis, y'know.
Gimme that paper! You two behave, or off to bed with no post-show drinks
and hookers!
I warned you...
Aw, V...*pout*
You never let us have any fun. *pout*
Mittens tagging in the Greatest White Luchador. Billy Polar springboards
off the top rope and goes for a crossbody! Too bad he's only 145. Garry
catches him and applies a backbreaker. The tag to Barry is made.
Double-team action - double vertical suplex! Barry with a snapmare.
The Ambulance Jockeys really applying themselves.
They could walk away the 3-4-1 champs.
Let's not go nuts. Billy Polar executes a flying headscissors! He covers:
1...2...no. Both men up, armdrag takedown by the Lite Death. Barry puts on
a hammerlock, now takes Billy down and there's a Boston Crab! He's getting
those legs back. Billy is in pain!
Nawwww, REALLY?
No, not really, this is sports entertainment! Mittens is trying to get the
tag...Billy struggling to get there....he's THERE. Mittens the Mannerless
is in. He takes a huge boot to the back of Barry's head. Barry is
face-down on the canvas. Mittens sits on his spine! And there's a camel
clutch!
Just checking. This isn't a submission match, is
it?
Not according to my records.
Hunh.
The ref making Mittens break the hold; Barry has reached the ropes. Barry
gets up...and he's asking for a test-o'-strength?
You MUSS be jokin'!
That's suicide!
Probably, but it's entertaining. Mittens locks up with Barry. Mittens
picks Barry off the ground by the arms, and flings him right into Garry
Greene! Both Ambulance Jockeys are outside the ring.
Coming down the aisle! It's Dr. Sillaconne M.
Plants and Nurse Heidi! Nurse Heidi is distracting Li'l Peppy Polar with
her...charm...and Dr. SMP has just chloroformed Billy Polar and Mittens
both!
Didn't Billy once joke about being chloroformed?
Something about Canada Day Chaos?
You're asking me?
Why don't y'all ever ask me?
Okay, has he?
I dunno.
Get out of the booth, Jamal! SMP has rolled both men in the ring. Barry
crawls back in and lays a hand over the Big HURTY.
1........2........3!
Here are your winners...and NEEEEEW STWF/MBC/RDWA
3-4-1 Tag Team Champions...THE AMBULANCE JOCKEYS!
I don't believe this!
Dr. Plants is pulling out a syringe. What's he
doing with it?
SMP: Tee hee...Billy's going to be so surprised in the morning!
He's injecting the syringe into Billy's left breast! I have no idea what
this is going to do. Well, I have an IDEA...but whether or not it matches
anything in reality is another story.
What a night!
Can we go now? I parked in a handicapped zone an'
I don't think my car's there anymore.
Sure. On behalf of Captain Twilight and Jamal Tupac Mustafa, this is Angus
"Vince" McMadden saying, Keep your pants off!
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo
Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre