(Good ol' Slobberknocker Arena. The Pyro Guys are
sweeping dust from the entranceway. They see the camera is on and light up
their sparklers and shoot off their flare guns. They even have
whoopie-whistle toys for cool sound effects to accompany the
Monday Nae Trous - Did You Miss Us?
Welcome everyone, to another exciting episode of Monday Nae Trous! We've
got a real BARNBURNER tonight, literally! Really, the insurance
companies are still trying to assess the damage after Homicidal Hank's
publicity stunt just before we went to air. Nobody told us those oily rags
were inside! Honest!
Really, Vince, we can't reveal too much until the
investigation is over.
You're right, Captain Twilight, as always. But apart from all that, our
show promises to be pretty darn good.
Yeh. Sergeant Genocide gonna get his
The Intergalactic Championship is on the line as the Sarge takes on none
other than... DR. SILLACONNE M. PLANTS!
("Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" plays as Mittens
comes to the ring.)
He's not scheduled to be here!
That's true, the Ivory Tower has been successful
in keeping him down for some time now. Maybe he's not happy with that
Mittens: Damn right I'm not happy! I work my a<-BLEEP-> off here night
after night and I don't get one stinkin' title shot! What's up with that?
You guys are all just scared that I'll be the champ, is that it?
(The Right Hand Man appears on the Monstron)
RHM: Well, frankly, yes. You're just not marketable as a champ - look at
yourself! Who's going to want to buy your Mickey Mouse T-shirts and green
beanies? Not any fans I know.
Mittens: WHAT?! First off, I'm not wearing a Mickey Mouse shirt. See? It
says "Violent Pacifist 4 Heel President!", got that? And screw
marketability, this isn't about business anymore. It's about the
stereotyping and the gimmickry! It's the establishment keepin' us down,
and you've forgotten your roots!
Since when did Mittens git eloquent?
Shhh, this is the best interview he's done in a
RHM: Well, seeing as you're not part of the Gallery, and I really want
to see Genocide stripped of that belt, I'll make you an offer, good for
tonight only. We'll set up one of those three-way matches: you, Dr. Plants
and Genocide, together in the ring, and we'll all see who deserves that
Mittens: I don't care who's in that ring, I'll rip their freakin' heads
off and walk away with the gold! Now your stars will twinkle!
RHM: Yes, yes, fine, are you done now? We've got an important handicap tag
match coming up - the Agency will take on slater!
Mittens: I'm done. (drops mic and walks off)
Mittens gets a title shot? Has the STWF gone
It's been topsy-turvy for ages, Cap. Maybe now it's just gone right side
up. Oh, get that confused look off your face, Jamal, I'll explain it
during the commercial break.
Important handicap tag match?
Oh, thanks for reminding me! This show actually has some wrestling in it!
Announcer Lad has the floor.
This is a stupid handicap match thing that's set for
one fall - get your concessions now! Introducing first, from Parts
Classified, here are Sculder and Mully, the team known as THE AGENCY!
("Sculder and Mully" plays as they enter to zero pop. Sculder pulls out a
flashlight and examines some guy's popcorn. Upon finding nothing, he hits
And their opponent, from Parts Forgotten, here is the guy who makes douja
look like some kind of smart guy or something...slater!
("Incense and Peppermints" by Strawberry Alarm Clock plays. It's a lot
more fitting theme for his current condition.)
It's Mully in the ring first against slater. Collar-and-elbow
tie-up. slater goes into a hammerlock. Mully is tripped and down she
She? Yo' sure?
I fear we'll never find out exactly what Mully
Nevertheless, I'll call...it...a she for all intents and purposes.
Sculder has a laser pen! He's trying to interfere
from the apron by flashing it in slater's eyes! But slater doesn't even
seem to notice!
slater is up top now with a high crossbody. slater may be totally out of
it, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have any ability! The cover is made:
1...2...no. Mully tags Sculder. Sculder is occupied with checking his
laser pen. He's baffled as to why the trick didn't work!
I'd like to remind the fans that use of a laser
pen is just plain wrong in these arenas. Your best bet is to shine it in
their eyes AFTER the show when they leave the building, then run like
hell once the damage is done.
O' you could just do it at they
Also a good idea.
Fans, the comments and opinions of Captain Twilight and Jamal Tupac
Mustafa in no way reflect those of the STWF Ivory Tower and all occupants
therein...necessarily. slater now bringing Sculder into the ring the hard
way! Sculder lands badly on his head. slater just couldn't get the height
to have Sculder land on his back, and the victim pays for it! slater tries
a cover: 1...2...3! What an upset!
Upset? slater WON!
Ah. Quite so. So I guess this means it's on to the next match. B.F. Sack will take on the Violent Pacifist.
B.F. Sack, once a powerful name here, now facing an uphill battle to get the
name he once had.
Iss the same name, Cap.
I realize that it's the same name, I'm speaking...oh, forget it. What's the use.
This contest is scheduled for one fall. Are you ready to see some serious STWF action, fans?
Fine. Tough! Introducing first, from Panama City, Florida, former STWF Heavyweight Champion...B.F. SACK!
(The theme from Sanford and Son plays. Grady is in the audience with that glazed look that can only mean he's part of the Ratings Flock now)
And his opponent, representing the Three Guys Plus One, I think, from Seattle Washington and weighing 330 lbs., THE VIOLENT PACIFIST!
("Closer" by Nine Inch Nails. VP is wearing that half-smile-half-frown T-shirt. He pauses to pat a kid on the head and slap the kid next to him.)
We should be in for one HELLUVAMATCH!
Yeah, a lot of the matches that look good on paper inevitably turn up crummy.
Blame the writers, not me! I'm just commentary. Sack with a great spear! And now that he's put down the spear, he goes for a leaping bodypress!
It's just a bodypress. That deserves a "whattamaneuver"?
Sure, why not? The Violent Pacifist with a top-wristlock. WHATTAMANEUVER! Elbow, elbow, kick, kick, sunset flip...uh,
Cap, what's going on in the ring? I'm getting distracted by that fight in the stands.
Don't talk to me, I'm just watching the Monstron, and apparently, Kamera Kid
thinks the fight in the stands is more important too. Jamal? Commentary?
(spits out his coffee) ME?! Uh...da guy wit da big ego just hit da udda guy wit da big ego
and dat guy goes down. Dere's a cover: 1...2...an' no dice. Den da guy who useta have a belt kick da udda guy who useta
have a belt. Uh...uh...WHATTAMANEUVER!
Okay, the security officials have broken it up. Jamal, thanks for reminding us why you don't do play-by-play.
Sack is up, and he lays the Violent Pacifist with a BIGRIGHTHAND! The VP barely felt it! Clothesline by VP.
Corkscrew legdrop hits the mark! 1...2...kickout. B.F. Sack gets up with a spinnerooni! I haven't seen one of those since the last time I
watched an episode of...<-BLEEEEEEEEEEEP->. Hey, what happened?
Cain't talk about other shows.
I won't argue this. VP with an Asai moonsault - look at the height from the big man! WHATTAMANEUVER!
Alright, Vince...easy there.
The VP puts a big sloppy cover on B.F. Sack and puts his feet on the ropes.
He's a heel, that's what they do. 1...2...3! Sack didn't have a prayer.
Here is your winner...sort of...THE VIOLENT PACIFIST!
Mittens is at the entranceway clapping! What is the story with this?
Probably some dumb angle that nobody will care about, Vince. Just like all the rest of 'em.
Quite possibly, but is that a risk we're willing to take?
Good call. Well, the Mad Cow is set to take on the Tiger. And won't that be fun!
Don't get TOO enthusiastic, Captain Twilight.
This contest is also scheduled for one fall, like we ever have any other kind.
First, from Calgary, Alberta, Canada, perhaps the only wrestler to come out of there that hasn't trained under the Harts...
with good reason...THE MAD COW!
("Cowboy Song" by Garth Brooks. He enters riding Madame Bovine in a display that not many would see
short of turning on the Tom Green show.)
His opponent, man from the Inner Circle, the king of the snarky comments, the man from Richmond Virginia and boy does it show...
("Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor plays. He runs out and gives the Mad Cow a chopblock he could tell his grandkids about.)
The Tiger is going absolutely mental out there! He came to play!
Isn't chopblocking a bit of a heel tactic?
When you're as over as the Tiger, anything you do will be a face tactic, even if you start beating up old ladies and
This program is rated TV-14 for mature subject matter. And kids, don't beat up old ladies and
retarded kids, please. You're not as over as the Tiger so you'll become a heel. And that's not cool.
The Mad Cow is taking a beating worthy of BILL! Vertical suplex! Backbreaker! DDT! DDT! DDT! And that was one, not three, for
those of you keeping score of such things.
(sound of many pens scratching things out from the audience)
Madame Bovine is attempting to get up on the apron! She's got her front hooves up. She's struggling to get her frame onto the apron.
Ohhh....baseball slide by the Tiger! Madame Bovine is down!
I do believe that's the first cow-tipping we've seen here in the STWF.
Are you sure? I can check the archives and get back to you.
It was a tippin'. Leave it at dat.
Well, it wasn't really a tipping per se.
The Mad Cow runs over to see what's been done to his beloved manager. The Tiger dropkicks the Mad Cow in the back of the head!
Mad Cow stumbles and falls on his manager. The Tiger bounces off the ropes...PLANCHA!
The Tiger rolls in the Mad Cow, and he goes to the top rope. Flying elbowdrop! 1...2...no.
The Tiger is signalling for a signature maneuver...I do believe, yes, he's going for a Tiger Driver! KABOOM!
Kaboom? Y'all kiddin' me? That was a "bam" at BEST!
The Tiger has been doing everything in his power to send a message to Sgt. Genocide, and I'll be damned if he's doing that.
(Cut to backstage. Sgt. Genocide is dozing peacefully next to a monitor of the match.)
Okay, maybe the Sarge won't get the message. The Tiger with an "arrogant cover": 1...2..............3! Oh yeah.
Here is your winner...the TIGER!
Look at the puss on the Tiger! He's ecstatic, and jumping up and down. Somebody get this guy a topknot!
I hardly think a new hairstyle will do anything for the Tiger.
What about me? I was thinkin' of gettin' a skyscraper.
Haven't those been out of style for years?
Who betta ta bring it back than me?
Um...yeah. You go.
It's time for the main event! But first, a commercial.
Hi! I'm Kathie Lee Gifford. I'd like to invite you all to watch my new game show, "Who's Willing to Settle for $32,000?"
It's almost as much fun as watching Cody playing "Cowboys and Indians"! We'll ask you easy questions to build up a false sense
of security, then we'll nail you with something really impossible and see if you don't want to settle for $32,000. *giggle*
Of course, if you don't know the answer, you can get an opinion from a friend who's even dumber than you are, or else he'd be on the
show instead of you, wouldn't he? *giggle* Hey Frank, I'm on TV!
All questions verified by a bunch of Vietnamese slaves with old encyclopedias. When they're not too busy sewing.
That's "Who's Willing to Settle for $32,000?" Are YOU? *giggle*
Warning: excessive giggling in this program may cause seizures.
That's a good show. Except for the giggling.
Could they have found anyone less annoying to host?
Uh, guys? Mittens, Docta Plants and Sergeant Genocide, they all in da ring an' lookin' impatient.
Well, we're not in charge of starting the match, that's the Creepy Timekeeper.
Eeeeeh. (the bell rings, but his hands weren't touching the table)
Now THAT'S creepy. Dr. Plants and the Sarge taking on Mittens first. Double Irish Whip to the buckle,
and a double avalanche! Mittens only slightly fazed due to his size. Double vertical suplex, they can barely get him up, but they do. Sarge
quickly turning on the Smooth Operator, with a short-armed clothesline. He makes a cover: 1...2...kickout. Legdrops on both men by Sergeant Genocide,
he's not a champ for nothing!
That's absolutely right. The Rogue has been stacking everything in his favour since he got that belt!
We gonna take him down soona o' lata! Da Hubcap Gang, dat is.
Oh right, the Hubcap Gang. Luke Warm and a bunch of hasbeens. What a team!
Hey, man, y'all shut up, o' I'll pop a cap in yo' a<-BLEEP->.
I'll bet you will. Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants on the receiving end of a chokeslam from Mittens! The cover: 1...2...saved by Genocide.
Here comes the Violent Pacifist through the audience like he was Edge or something!
The Violent Pacifist, can't you see him?
No no, I mean...
I gotta putta stop ta dis.
Jamal, put your headset back on! Jamal stopping the VP from interfering in this matchup. Mittens taking
repeated kidney shots from Dr. Plants now, and he in turn is in a full nelson headlock by Sergeant Genocide!
Now everyone stops whatever they're doing and they get in some weird triple-submission hold that I can only define as...
A gratuitous rest hold?
Yes, quite. But hark! What light through yonder entranceway curtain breaks? It is the East, and Luke Warm and the Tiger, they are the suns.
Sons of who? They have a common father? I'll bet it's that Oliver Copp! Man, does his seed get into EVERYTHING around here?
Captain Twilight, what on earth are you talking about?
Just reading the script. Maybe Patrick "the Finger" Patrickson wrote it?
I don't even want to know. Alrighty now! Luke Warm and the Tiger on opposite turnbuckles! The ref is closing his eyes, he can't watch!
Diving headbutt and shooting star press, both at once! The crowd is going completely berserk! Sergeant Genocide is down! The Tiger now focussing his
attacks on Mittens - why? I have no idea. Luke Warm trying to stop douja on the outside, sticking his nose with its decayed septum into other people's business.
He's not on cocaine! He won't have a decayed septum!
Cocaine, pot, what's the difference?
About ten years?
Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants to the top rope himself now...will we see the Breast Implant? YES! Will we see him cover? YES!
Will we see a new Intergalactic Champion, FINALLY?! 1......2........YES! He's done it! He's done it! New Intergalactic Champion!
Here is your winner...and NEEEEEEEEEEW STWF Intergalactic Champion....DR. SILLACONNE M. PLANTS!
(Dr. Plants holds up the belt, as his new theme song for his reign, "Intergalactic" by the Beastie Boys, plays.)
Luke Warm: Alright, that's enough frivolity. Right Hand Man, get out here please and make the announcement?
(The Right Hand Man jogs to the ring and pics up a mic)
RHM: Thanks. Now, as we all well know, the Evil Alliance is one tough mother of a stable. And I fear that my Hubcap Gang,
powerful as it may be...
(Audience starts laughing)
HEY! They're faces, respect 'em! May not be enough. So we're proud to introduce the union of the Hubcap Gang...and the INNER CIRCLE!
We haven't thought up a name yet, but we believe it's going to be snappy and marketable, just like us!
The Tiger: That's right! And Dr. Plants, since we helped you out, it's only fair that I get that first shot, superstar. Stay hot! Or smooth,
or whatever the hell you want to stay. I'm tired, it's been a long night. It's what, 9:02? Yeah.
What an amazing announcement! Too bad we can't say any more about it because we've already gone overtime!
We can't even bring out our musical guest, Christina Puttana...can it wait until Thursday?
I'm not sure. People may not remember who the hell she is by Thursday.
Can we take that risk?
Sure. She's slutty enough I think. Everyone will be watching on mute anyway. So for Jamal Tupac Mustafa and Captain Twilight,
we'll see you Thursday, and keep your pants off!
©1999 Stereotype Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre