(New intro. Hokey rock theme music begins to start the show, and shots of
various superstars in action. Half of them no longer work for the company.
The intro ends. Pan interior of the Slobberknocker Arena. Two guys with
sparklers and flare guns give the fans some "pyrotechnics". Violent Vinnie
Mansbridge and Pigeon are playing cards up in the rafters, with a sign
above their heads reading "Pick Us DK".)
Biggest Nae Trous EVER! Maybe.
Do you think they'll ever get a contract?
Hey! I'm supposed to get first word! Hello everyone, and WELCOME to Monday
Nae Trous! I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, along with Captain Twilight of
the Old Boys' Network not-quite-stable, (of
whom you've already heard), and BDCW Heavyweight Champion "Black" Jack
How's it goin', eh?
You really push your Canadian side over here. You're quite normal down
That's cause you guys get it, eh? Those Yankees down
there probably don't even know what curling or lacrosse are.
Vince? I'm completely stumped on this
Uh....we've got a better-than-adequate show for you tonight!
"Roughrider" Bill Murtough
vs. Prisoner X! ThatGuy vs. Homicidal Hank - Hell in a Padded Cell!
Bohemoth vs. the Tiger in an "Oh God, haven't these two fought each other
enough?" match! Très Sheik vs. douja in a quasi-rematch for the
ICCTINACBBIC belt! Jeffrey Steingold vs. Vyrus! Of course, the three-way
tag team match for a tag title shot! AND MORE!
What happened? Did we go to a three-hour format or
Yeah, this is way excessive. It's almost like a PPV
What Der Kommissaar wants, Der Kommissaar gets. He owns this fed.
And to celebrate this big card, we've got an audience contest! Whoever has
the seat number we draw will win the prize of...the PIECE OF STWF
MEMORABILIA OF YOUR CHOICE!
(Crowd pops large)
Just imagine! You can get a t-shirt, a video game, an El Spheros Gigantic
Shooter Marble, an STWF: The Music CD, ANYTHING YOU WANT!
(Crowd pops large)
That's some contest!
Eh...it's not bad.
first, we've gotta start things off with a word from this man...
("Send in the Clowns", instrumental version, plays. A man in a bright
green clown suit, green hair, painted face, appears.)
Plemmy: SuperWrestler! At last, the fans put a face to the voice! You
can't run from your demons any longer, for I, Plemmy the Demonic Clown,
am your demon right here and now! So come out, and let me destroy
Is SuperWrestler here tonight?
I'm getting word that his costume is in the locker
room, but Supe himself is nowhere to be found.
This Plemmy guy kinda looks like Supe, don'cha
Nonsense! Well, actually, if you look behind the makeup...nah!
Plemmy: SuperWrestler's not here, man! Heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee.
I know he's hiding somewhere. But one day, SuperWrestler, our
confrontation will shake the world at its foundations, and I'll be the one
laughing! Heeheeheeheeheeheeheehee! Uh...anyone out there want to fight
Hey look, someone's pushing the Terror out again!
This happened with Homicidal Hank not too long ago.
Plemmy: Well, I don't see any WRESTLERS out here, so I'll assume no
one's challenging me. Maybe next time. Heeheeheeheeheeheeheehee.
What an insult to the Terror!
Heh heh...don't see any WRESTLERS.
It figures that you'd find that funny. Let's go now to the match between
Jeffrey Steingold and Vyrus. Both men are in the ring, and Jack Daniels is
not here. I think he might have been fired.
Managers who don't do much tend to get fired. It's
The smaller Steingold locks up with the pierced wonder, Vyrus. Vyrus with
a stupendous whip to the buckle. He goes in for a double-jump kick, but
Steingold ducks underneath, and Vyrus catches a big pocket of air.
Steingold with a kneedrop on the fallen Vyrus.
Yes! You GO, boy!
Stupid old people. Think they're so cool.
Steingold with some punches. Vyrus slowly gets up and attempts a kick.
Jeffrey Steingold catches the leg! Vyrus tries an enzuigiri kick...and
succeeds! The cover: 1...2...no. Too early.
It's never "too early" when there's all these
matches to take care of.
Steingold on his feet now. The old Jewish man with a clothesline. He goes
to the top buckle...big splash! The cover: 1...2.......no. So close.
Vyrus is up, he tries to put Steingold in a bearhug, but Jeffrey slips
out...he jumps up to reach Vyrus' head...Did you see that Torah-nado
I sure did!
Yeah, I guess that's impressive...*Yawn*.
Steingold makes the cover: 1...2...3!
Jeffrey Steingold: FEAR THE BEARD!
What a stupid catchphrase. Not nearly as cool as
"Twenty-One. Dealer wins."
Oh, what do YOU know from catchphrases? We're
trying, okay? Back in my day, we didn't have to have catchphrases to get
over. We had personality AND skill.
Oh, sure you did.
Alright! We're just about ready to see Tyrone Mayhem vs. Braxton Chane
"the Enforcer", a newcomer here, about to be thrown into the deep end to
see if he can swim, as it were, but...wait! I'm getting word from the
locker room that Tyrone Mayhem is already engaged in a battle backstage!
(Cut to a corridor scene. Various props like
ladders, wires and television monitors can be seen.)
Look at that! Hank and Tyrone are mixing it up quite a bit! Tyrone just
got thrown into an aluminum ladder! The pain that must inflict! Hank just
got whipped into a cheesy-looking wire-mesh fence backdrop on wheels! How
much more can these two stand? They're moving onto the stairs...Oh Lord!
Both men are tangling with each other and rolling down the stairs!
Hahahaha! This is one of the funniest things I've
Unfortunately, this doesn't look like it's going to end anytime soon, so
the match between Tyrone and Braxton Chane will have to wait. I suppose
our "Enforcer" will get a debut match some other time.
But Hell in a Padded Cell will still take place,
because Der Kommissaar spent money on the ring, and he'll be damned if it
goes to waste.
This contest is scheduled for one fall and is for
the Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This Is Not A Championship Belt But
It's Close" belt. Making his way to the ring first, from Parts Forgotten,
and weighing in at some weight suitable for a cruiserweight (hopefully),
here is douja!
(Nine-word-title song by Cypress Hill plays. douja comes out with a blunt
in hand with obvious disrespect for the "no smoking" signs plastered all
over the arena.)
And his opponent, from Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates, representing the
Rogue's Gallery, your ICCTINACBBIC champion, Très SHEIK!
("Supermodel" plays on a sitar and tabla. The Rogue is close behind, as
the Sheik struts to the ring with his "Eau de Camelle" perfume. His hookah
is absent today.)
douja and the Exorbitant Arab in a tie-up. The Sheik breaks the ice with a
bodyslam. He bounces off the ropes, and...a baseball slide right to
douja's head! Innovative AND painful!
He may not be Entertainment Industry, but damn if he
doesn't give ethnics a good name!
The Sheik really knows his stuff, that's for sure. He goes for a legdrop,
but douja moves out of the way. douja in control now. Short-armed
clothesline. He pulls up the Sheik by the sequined turban, and
belly-to-back suplex. The cover by douja: 1...and Très Sheik kicks
out on two. douja with a backslide right away: 1...2...and a half. douja
actually trying some crafty tricks tonight!
I think that he might be getting advice from the
voices he hears.
I didn't know smoking that stuff makes you hear
Wait...what IS he smoking, anyway?
The mystery of Captain Twilight deepens. Très Sheik with a
hurricanrana! Wow. He gives douja a fistdrop, shades of...
Don't say it...
Fine. The cover: 1...2...no. The Sheik moves into a Boston Crab. He's
really working those legs.
Speaking of legs, is Lady Lasso going to be
accompanying Bill Murtough tonight?
Now, now, let's control ourselves and focus on this match. It looks like
douja has regained control. He's out of the Boston Crab. Stepping side
kick reaches the chin of the Sheik with pinpoint precision! I've never
seen douja in such peak performance! Now he's going for his finisher...the
Chronic Neck Pain!
But first, he decides to take a little smoke
Voiceover: Hold it right there!
(Braxton Chane emerges from the curtain)
Braxton Chane: I've had enough of your blatant disregard for the rules
here. The Slobberknocker Arena is a smoke-free facility! Now I'm afraid
you'll have to put that out, or...*sniff**sniff* wait a minute, is that
what I think it is? That's even WORSE! Alright, buddy, I may be an ex-cop,
but that's not going to prevent me from making a citizens' arrest for
possession! Come along quietly, now, no need to add "resisting arrest" to
douja: huh huh..you can't do dis ta me!..der kommissaar says i can smoke
it, it's all good baby..huh huh..
Braxton Chane: We'll see about that. (grabs douja and leads him out of the
douja: rodney king! rodney king! you suppressin' my rights! huh
Well, I guess justice has been served? Hmmm...sure the STWF has lawmen,
but at what price is this freedom?
Oh quit philosophizing. douja didn't deserve a shot
Of course he did. And if Ross Rebagliati can perform
under the influence of such substances, that douja can too.
Alright folks, we're going to take a commercial now...uh...we don't have
any commercials? Why not? Uh huh...okay, no commercials it is. I don't
know how Der Kommissaar is going to survive, but the show must go on!
This contest is set for one fall. Making his way to
the ring first, from Richmond, Virginia, representing the Inner Circle,
here is...THE TIGER!
(Loud pop. Survivor's one hit plays as the Tiger runs to the ring and
bounces off the ropes a bit.)
And his opponent, representing the Asylum Alliance and accompanied by
BILL, weighing in at a massive 490 lbs., here is BOHEMOTH!
(Loud pop. "In the Hall of the Mountain King" by Grieg adds a classy tone
to the Slobberknocker Arena as Bohemoth hits the ring.)
This should be a great match.
Yeah, just like all the other ones we've
I know, eh? Let me know when it's over. I'm going to
play some solitaire.
Put those razorcards away, someone's bound to get hurt!
If you make me put them away, someone WILL get hurt,
and it won't be me, or even the Cap over there.
Fine. Go play solitaire.
Can't we play "Go Fish" or something?
The Tiger pounces on Bohemoth, just like some large catlike animal!
Bohemoth staggers, but catches the Tiger and delivers a great backbreaker!
He now brings the Tiger over to the turnbuckles and gives him ten big
smashes! Oh my, the Tiger's nose started bleeding. Look at the sorry shape
of that turnbuckle. The Tiger not too happy about being busted open like
that, he gives a rake to Bohemoth's good eye! Dropkick after dropkick by
the Tiger. Is he going to go for the Tiger Driver right away?! Not yet, he
can't get the big man up. WHOA! Reverse neckbreaker by the Tiger. Bohemoth
is down. 1..2..and Bohemoth just barely gets the shoulder up.
Got any eights?
The Tiger dominating this match, he grabs Bohemoth's legs, and he's
turning those knees sideways! He's actually using Sugarplum Harry's
Nutcracker! Well, sure, the guy's a champion in another fed, his moves
can't be useless. Bohemoth may not have the best knees in the world, but
he gets out of the move by sitting up and giving the Tiger a nice hard
gutshot. Bohemoth with a spinning elbow. And now...a BIG powerbomb. This
could be it for the Tiger right here!
Got any Queens?
Here, take 'em, you vulture.
Tiger just barely kicks out himself. Both men visibly drained after this
encounter. The Tiger is whipped against the ropes...BILL just pulled down
the top rope! Look at the Tiger flop. He's now beating the tar out of
BILL, but I'm sure the man fromm Springfield has seen much worse in his
day. He still carries the scars from one of your razorcards. Jack?
Uh huh, yeah, whatever. Got any fives?
What do you know, I drew a five.
Are you stacking the deck?
Bohemoth is going for an Asai moonsault outside the ring! He just landed
on the Tiger...AND BILL! It's a one-for-one tradeoff. Bohemoth rolls the
Tiger in the ring. The cover: 1...2...3! Yes, Bohemoth wins! He was really
focussed after taking the bad loss to newcomer Bill Murtough, wasn't he,
He sure was. I can't believe you beat me.
The Dealer always wins.
Are you two finally ready to call the match in a decent manner?
Sure, why not.
Thanks. I just received word that ThatGuy is in the Padded Cell now, and
we're awaiting Homicidal Hank. ThatGuy, any words?
ThatGuy: YOU'RE NOT SAFE! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Thanks. Very eloquent.
There's Hank now, eh? He's got a Santa sack full of
cool weapons, and check out the Berzerker hat! Even the plant's got one,
That ultra-pointy Viking hat sure suits the
ThatGuy has a hacksaw! And Hank is starting off with the rubber chicken
filled with broken glass. It's a bloody battle like I've never seen
before. And it's wacky! ThatGuy is trying to saw Hank's leg off, and Hank
is beating ThatGuy about the head with the chicken, causing all sorts of
cranial trauma. Not like ThatGuy has enough cranial trauma as it is, of
Hank is using that Viking helmet to the best of his ability. ThatGuy pulls
out his bottle of sulphuric acid. He takes a swig...I still don't know how
he can stomach it! Now he's watering Spike with it. Spike seems to be
dissolving! Hank can't stand it! He's completely snapped!
Now that's not going too far.
ThatGuy takes a big powerbomb! And now the ref gets a powerbomb!
The winner of this match, as a result of a
Wait! Here comes the Right Hand Man!
Right Hand Man: Now, Hank, I know you meant well, and I understand your
anger at seeing Spike injured like that, but Der Kommissaar didn't spend
all this money for four minutes of work! Get back in there and continue
the fight! You're not getting out that easy!
Homicidal Hank got pretty upset at that. The Right
Hand Man just received a powerbomb of his own!
The crowd with a mixed reaction.
Homicidal Hank: Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, tells Hank who he can and
can't powerbomb, and when a match is or isn't over. I don't care if you DO
sign my paychecks. Good match ThatGuy, thanks, we should do it again
ThatGuy: You bet! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Well, that would have been a great confrontation if it wasn't cut so darn
short. But what about that special audience contest tonight! In fact,
here's the powerbomed Right Hand Man, and the whole Hubcap Gang, minus
SuperWrestler, to do the
drawing right now for the piece of STWF memoribilia of choice.
Right Hand Man: Are you as excited as I am, audience?
(Crowd pops large)
Alright! Rodney Ricardo, will you do the honours of reaching into the drum
that Darren #3 is turning?
Rodney: Okay...ow! Darren, man, stop turnin', so I can get a ticket
without losin' a hand. Here's the winner!
RHM: The section....Nose-Blood Red.
The seat number...17! Come on down!
(Five minutes pass for the winner to emerge from the back row. It's a
little boy, about nine.)
RHM: What's your name, son?
Boy: That's not important! When do I get to pick my prize?!
Charming kid, eh?
RHM: Ha ha ha...okay, kid, what'll it be? We've got shirts of just
about every STWF star. How about a "StreetMime: Silent but Deadly"? Or a
"Sugarplum Harry: Hit the Music!" We still have some Nip the Necrophiliac
"Cold is Hot" shirts, they're collector's items now!
Boy: I want...the STWF Heavyweight Belt!
(gasps from audience, followed by cheers. The Hubcap Gang looks worried,
RHM: What? Er...are you sure you don't want a video game? STWF vs. CSTLL
Revenge? Monster Bash? The Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl? Come on, kid.
Boy: The belt...
RHM: Please kid, don't do this to us. Hey, how about a turnbuckle? They
make great mini-pillows. Ooh, and this one has the Tiger's blood on it!
How about it, young man?
Boy: I want the belt! You said whatever I want, and I want the belt!
RHM: Anything but the belt! Please? A night with the Candygirls, on me?
Would that change your mind?
(The boy starts holding his breath)
RHM: Sack? How about it? We're not getting out of this one. Boy did I
design this contest badly.
Sack: Here, kid, just keep breathing already. (Hands over the belt)
Boy: YAY! I got the belt. I'm the champ! YAY!
RHM: Sorry, kid, you're not really the champ, unless you really WANT to
defend it against guys like Bohemoth and Death. Nope, I've got something
far better in mind. The Tri-Lambda group gave me this "Make Your Own
Championship Belt Kit" for my birthday last week, and I made my own belt
already. It's not great, but it will make a suitable replacement. Hold
(he runs off and returns with a belt. It's black leather with a large gold
ringed planet on the front, and gold stars circling the strap)
RHM: BEHOLD! THE STWF INTERGALACTIC CHAMPIONSHIP BELT!
Sack: Wow! I get to be the first Intergalactic champ?
RHM: That wouldn't be fair. No. I like you, and I wish I could just give
this to you...but we need SOME fairness. This will be the prize for the
BUNKHOUSE 'BLIVION BRAWL!!!
Things just got interesting for this PPV!
Second B'BB, second belt introduced and up for
grabs, the previous one being the North American belt.
There you have it, everyone competing will go for that beautiful piece of
gold that is the Intergalactic Championship belt! Besides, "Intergalactic
Champion" has such a nice ring to it. And any old fed can have a
Heavyweight champ. Okay! It's time now for the three-way tag team match.
I've been informed that this will not follow strict "tag team" rules. Rather, all six
guys will be in the ring and the first guy to score a pinfall wins!
Sounds like a real slobberknocker.
We're certainly in the arena for it.
All three teams are in the ring now.
It's the Unlikely Alliance, Milwaukee's Best, and the Circus Freaks. Sasquatch and Beast
lock up immediately and lay the boots to each other. Sir Hungalot and Beast Light together,
and there's the Violent Pacifist with Dizzy Desi, what a strange match-up that is! It's like a small
Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl right here!
Except there's no weapons.
And you don't get eliminated by going under the bottom rope.
All true, but a good analogy nonetheless. The camera is focusing on Sir Hungalot and Beast Light,
but WHOA! Did you see that move from Beast? Sorry you missed it there, fans. The Kamera Kid is frantically
trying to keep up with the action and failing miserably. It seems there's a great move everywhere he's not.
Sasquatch just tossed the Violent Pacifist over the top, and he just went crashing through the Spanish Announcer's table.
Hahahaha! I LOVE it when that happens. It's just so cliché.
And Beast just tossed Sir Hungalot over the top! Here he comes! ARGH!
It's not nearly as funny when it happens to you. Hey! You spilled my coffee, Hungalot! You're
gonna pay for that! Hold me back, Captain!
No...I think I'll let you go at it with him. Frankly, I don't like your chances.
Might I remind you I'm the BDCW champ? I even brought some BDCW guys to go to the B'BB.
That's good, because we could use more competitors. The Circus Freaks just heaved both members of Milwaukee's Best over the top rope!
I don't understand. This ISN'T a battle royal despite how it looks! The Unlikely Alliance and Milwaukee's Best duking it out at ringside. Steel steps
and chairs are flying everywhere! UNBELIEVABLE!
Hey look, Sasquatch is pinning his own partner!
The ref is counting: 1...2....3!
Wait, is that legal?
The rules were: "The first one to score a pinfall wins." Didn't say you had to pin an opponent. Again,
the Right Hand Man didn't think this through. Nevertheless, the Circus Freaks get their shot...at the B'BB.
Why not Friday? The Techies have done NOTHING!
I'm getting word now...YES! FRIDAY!
And now the main event everyone's been looking forward to. "Roughrider" Bill Murtough vs. Prisoner X!
There's some guy coming to ringside, eh?
Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. I own this here arena, and your Der Kommissaar only booked it for two hours! That time ended
fifteen minutes ago. Now I've been lenient and given him that grace period. I'm going to have to ask you all to leave. NOW! The hounds will be released in five
minutes. Your beloved leader wouldn't fork out the overtime, and we've got a WNHL card coming up in half an hour. Tickets are $7.50. SO GET OUT!
What else? We take it outside. Both men are going to fight, in the street!
Bill Murtough is waiting outside. We're going to head out there now.
Damn, it's cold! Er...and his opponent, from New York City and representing the Inner Circle, PRISONER X!
(No music as it's outside - duh. The cops come to "escort" the Prisoner outside. They remove his handcuffs for the match.
Prisoner X promptly hightails it and grabs a taxi, riding off into the horizon.)
What a rip-off! I can't believe Prisoner X took the opportunity to flee the law.
Oh, the cops will find him. And he won't get very far with that ankle bracelet. The ref has no choice but to count Prisoner X out.
8.....9......10! "Roughrider" Bill Murtough takes this meaningless match. Oh boy.
One of the most highly-anticipated Nae Trouses in a while and it turns out to be a screw-job fest.
You know very well that as PPVs are hyped, cards tend to get more screwjobs.
Very true, but the Brawl is A MONTH AWAY! What's going to happen the week before?
I guess we'll just have to find out. For "Black" Jack Dealer and Captain Twilight, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden saying, keep your pants off!
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre