Monday Nae Trous - Will this be the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything?

(Pan Interior of the Slobberknocker Arena. Many signs go up, including "douja + Death = Cheech & Chong", "Sir Hungalot is Hardcore" and "I'm taping Oz".)
Welcome everyone to Monday Nae Trous! I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, here along with Captain Twilight and "Black" Jack Dealer, and Jack, what on earth are you doing here?
I can call matches, I've got a license. Besides, you haven't had nearly enough Industry exposure, eh?
Fine, I'm not going to argue this. I still say that we might have too many commentators around here. We need a better schedule. But nevertheless, an action-packed show for you! Shoot-For-Loot action sees Iceberg battle PunkMe PayMe. Dr. Snare will face Carnage. The Bully will face the Pencil-Necked Geek, Sir Hungalot faces Kabuki in a grudge match, and in spectacular tag-team action, douja and Death face B.F. Sack and SuperWrestler. Three of the men have had four belts between them, and SuperWrestler entered this federation with a bang, so it should be no end of excitement!
Uh huh. I wonder what the Rogue's Gallery has to say about their lack of matches. Gee, even the Industry doesn't have jack.
This isn't a card one can complain about.
Sure it is. Prisoner X wants that shot at the gold. Sack probably took this tag match just so he could delay the inevitable. Compile this with the fact that Prisoner X is tied up in a Shoot-For-Loot on the next card, and he's got a nice waiting period.
You guys complain about everything. Let's take it to Announcer Lad now for our opener.
This contest is a Shoot-For-Loot quarterfinal. Our first competitor this evening hails from Meiger County. He weighs in at an excessive 471 lbs. He represents the Total Annihilation Squad and is accompanied by Strep. He...is...ICEBERG!
("Money" by Pink Floyd, the official Shoot-For-Loot song, plays. Strep tries to get the pyro guys to give him a shower of sparks for entrance. He has to settle for two sparklers. Iceberg seems to think it's good enough.)
And his opponent, from Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. He weighs in at a decidedly mediocre 250 lbs. He is sponsored by Meatnsaucy Gravy, but is not part of the Rogue's Gallery (we think.) He...is...PUNKMEEEEEEEE PAYME!
("Money" continues to play. PunkMe PayMe seems to like the song anyway. He slaps a few hands on the way to the ring, but is generally ignored.)
***bell rings.
Let's see now...PunkMe PayMe is certainly motivated by money, but is that enough to knock out a 471-pound gargantuan like Iceberg?
Why not? Anything's POSSIBLE.
Iceberg with a huge left hand. PunkMe PayMe staggers back halfway across the ring. Iceberg slowly moves in. Right cross! Wow, PunkMe's nose took a nice crunch there. I think it's broken.
Injuries are common in these matches. But just wait until the Monster Bash! You'll see so many injuries, we may just lose our entire roster!
That's not always a bad thing. It just makes it more of an event when somebody returns. PunkMe somehow manages a takedown! He puts on an anklelock submission... the ref pulls him off. This isn't a normal match. PMPM with a...
***bell rings.
Didn't get the move in time. Our score right now is PunkMe PayMe 3, Iceberg 1. Yes, folks, PunkMe got those bonus points for costume and hygiene.
So technically, if PunkMe PayMe can avoid getting hit over the next two rounds, he can WIN?
Well, in theory. The second round begins! Iceberg moves in, PunkMe PayMe backing away. I think he's following the avoidance strategy. Iceberg tries a full-extension hit, but PMPM dodges nicely and rolls out behind the big man from the Squad. Strep just tripped PunkMe PayMe! Boy, that's low. The judges are awarding PunkMe the congeniality point for that! Iceberg just might get eliminated by total fluke! ***bell rings.
No hits thrown, but PunkMe's lead extends to three points.
Can you imagine PunkMe PayMe going all the way in this tournament?
If StreetMime can become champion, PunkMe PayMe can win a Shoot-For-Loot.
Third round is upon us. Iceberg looks really frustrated! He's pounding the daylights out of PunkMe now! Can PunkMe hold on for a minute? PunkMe can't exactly go down...he's locked up in the ropes!
In a SHOOT-FOR-LOOT? How does THAT happen?
Iceberg struggling to unlock PunkMe and toss him down. PunkMe is taken down! Iceberg needs just one more point to...
***bell rings.
Here is your winner, PUNKME PAYME!
That's very creepy.
You're telling me!
PunkMe looks like the roof is going to collapse...he runs off to the locker room, bobbing and weaving. Iceberg just looks despondent in the middle of the ring. Strep is trying to move him, and Strep finally reluctantly moves out of the ring.
I wouldn't be too happy either if I was beaten by a wrestler of such questionable calibre.
I wouldn't care myself. It's money in the bank, either way.
It figures that an Entertainment Industry member would say that. Next is Dr. Snare vs. Carnage.
This contest is set for one fall. Entering the ring first, from Jackson, Tennessee, weighing 275 lbs., DOCTOR SNARE!
("Paranoid" by Black Sabbath leads Dr. Snare in. Oh yeah, Kandi's there too.)
And his opponent, from we're guessing San Francisco, CA, weighing 327 lbs., accompanied by Strep...CARNAGE!
(Some death march plays. Carnage enters with his Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver belt.)
***bell rings.
Carnage starts things off with a pretty good hiptoss. He's got the height advantage, so it works well. Carnage follows up nicely with a legdrop. It may have been weak, but it was still stronger than anyone from Hollywood.
What exactly is that supposed to mean?
Nothing much. Dr. Snare executes a snapmare takeover. Into a sitting sleeper...
(crowd chants "BORING")
The fans are getting restless, Angus. Suggestions?
We could bring out the STWF girls...well, not the pregnant one. But we'll wait on that. Dr. Snare removes the sleeper. He picks up Carnage by the hair, whips him to the buckle, runs in, and meets a big boot. Carnage moves to Snare's head and puts on a chinlock.
("BORING" chants pick up)
Even I'm concerned now. The crowd is met up with crummy matches week after week without complaint. These derisive chants mean something is SERIOUSLY wrong.
What can I do? Carnage releases the chinlock. Both men tied up now, Snare moves into an armbar. He's working that arm, and an armdrag takedown to follow. Carnage gets up. Snare is right there, and an abdominal stretch is being applied!
(the crowd that hasn't left picks up the slack of the chant for the rest)
Okay, that's it. I don't know how to fix this any more. What do the fans want? Wait! Here comes BILL! And Vito Sorvino. A run-in will pick up any crowd's spirits!
I sure wish the Industry could do a run-in during this program, but no!
Candy trying to distract BILL. But here comes ThatGuy! The crowd has switched from "BORING" to "YOU'RE NOT SAFE!"
Ah! There's hope for the ratings yet.
Dr. Snare's two masked men hit the ring, clearing the Asylum representatives out. They're holding their hands above their heads in triumph.
Here is your winner, as a result of a disqualification, DOCTOR SNARE!
Well that was pretty good, eh?
I'll say. Well, up next is the Bully versus our resident announcer/wrestler the Pencil-Necked Geek. Both men are in the ring now, Edwina and Seed at ringside.
***bell rings.
The Bully pounding the life out of the Geek right from the opening bell!
What do you expect, he weighs nearly four times the guy.
The Bully slaps on a piledriver! The cover: 1...2...I have no clue how the Geek kicked out of that one. Bully now tosses the Geek in the air, and a big powerslam from midair drives the PNG into the canvas.
Is it fair to bring this up around the Geek when he's in the booth next?
Sure. That's pretty much the whole purpose of this match. The Bully with a double-arm DDT. The cover: 1...2...shoulder up. The Bully with a series of kicks while the Geek is down. What disgusting tactics on the part of the Bully. This man has no sense of honour whatsoever.
Hey, as a native I know tons about honour, and I don't see this guy breaking any of those rules. Our tribe considers it mercy to kick a man while he's down.
I'll pretend I didn't hear that. The Bully is taking the Geek over to the mysteriously-working commode. Is the Geek going to get a Swirlie?
Let's hope so, I can barely stand that little turkey.
Well, you're the undisputed king of insults on that one, Captain. (rolls eyes heavenward) The Bully is about ready... Seed and Edwina jump on the apron! They're trying to stop him! The Bully pulls in Seed and gives HIM a Swirlie!
***bell rings.
Now the Geek is getting that Swirlie anyway.
Ha ha! About time.
***bell rings.
He's trying to give Edwina a Swirlie...oh dear, he cut his hand on the spiked barbs in Edwina's hair!
That wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for me.
I think we need to explain that further.
See, when I snipped off one of Edwina's pigtails, which I just happen to have right here, she got untrustworthy and put those barbs in her hair. And now the Bully just happened to get some use out of them.
***bell rings.
All participants are leaving the ring. Edwina's coming here...and she just took back that pigtail she lost so long ago!
Oh well, it was running out of uses anyway.
Who won that match?
Does it matter? All that matters is that it was fun. We'll be right back.

Promotional consideration paid for by the following:

Let's move now to Kabuki vs. Sir Hungalot.
Is this the no-DQ, steel cage deal?
Sorry, budget didn't account for it.
Then what's all the Meatnsaucy money paying for?
I don't know, Captain Twilight, I just don't know.
This contest is set for one fall. Making his way to the ring first, from Japan, accompanied by Minako, here is KABUKI!
("Tokyo Ono" plays as Kabuki dances to the ring. Mostly boos, but a loud reaction overall.)
And his opponent, from Paradise, Pennsylvania, accompanied by Candy Cantaloupes and weighing 250 lbs., here is SIR HUNGALOT!
("Closer" by Nine Inch Nails plays. The Violent Pacifist enters the ring and grabs the mic.)
Why is the Violent Pacifist coming out before Sir Hungalot?
I'm not sure but there really is only one way to find out...wait.
Wait? It's obvious they've hooked up
What a strange alliance indeed! It's as unlikely as...
Val Venis and Van Hammer?
Huh? No...I was going to say the Tiger and the Doomsday Chicken.
Hey, they're both animals.
Will you announcers please be quiet for a moment so I can speak? Thanks kindly. I would like to introduce to you, my new ally and soon-to-be tag team partner...SIR HUNGALOT!
("Love Roller Coaster" by Ohio Players pumps out of the PA while Sir Hungalot enters with Candy in tow. Many cheers for the knight in latex armor.)
***bell rings.
Kabuki has plenty to worry about now - look at the way the Pacifist is holding himself outside the ring, with his arms crossed like that.
Kabuki and Sir Hungalot in a tie-up...Sir Hungalot takes first advantage with a belly-to-belly suplex. He slingshots Kabuki right back to the buckle. Kabuki grabs the buckle with two hands and rockets himself right back for a flying forearm!
Kabuki is all over the ring tonight.
Sir Hungalot with a headbutt. He moves now into a cranial claw, and Kabuki is really feeling the burn now!
A headbutt? A cranial claw? There's some connotations here that I refuse to get into.
Kabuki puts his foot on the rope to break the hold. Both men up. Kabuki with a hurricanrana, what a maneuver! He throws the Violent Pacifist out of the ring.
Fat lot of good that'll do. Let's not forget that the Violent Pacifist is right there.
Good point. Kabuki goes for a plancha...but thinks better of it. The ref is counting out Sir Hungalot... Hungalot in at three. Kabuki with a European uppercut, which is odd because he's Asian.
Watch those racial slurs, buddy. People are more sensitive than ever nowadays. I should know, eh? You guys have been slighting the Aboriginals time and again.
McMadden slights you when you're not around, Jack.
That's a bloody lie!
Don't worry, McMadden, I'll find out soon enough.
Our hedonist in control again. He executes a beautiful Death Valley Driver! This could be over right now... here comes Sweet Candy Andy! He meets up with the Pacifist at ringside.
Andy: Let me go, yo! I need ta get in there!
Violent Pacifist: I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
Andy: One side, b<-BLEEP->ch, nobody tells me to do nuttin'.
Violent Pacifist: I'm sorry you feel that way.
Oh wow! The Violent Pacifist just gave Sweet Candy Andy a Nine-Inch Nailer!
Nine Inch Nailer? Their music sucks. Give me some of Lester's lounge singing any day.
I don't understand their music myself, but you can keep the lounge, thanks very much.
The Violent Pacifist preventing Sweet Candy Andy from reaching Sir Hungalot. Sir Hungalot meanwhile has applied the Camel Clutch to Kabuki! Kabuki is absolutely refusing to submit. Can Sir Hungalot reach around and execute the G-spot?
Can't be difficult, Kabuki's pretty small, eh?
Sir Hungalot has the G-spot locked on! Kabuki is grimacing...Minako is held back by Candy so she's no help...Kabuki submits!
Here is your winner, as a result of a submission...SIR HUNGALOT!
Sir Hungalot's not done...he's leaving the ring to get some of the Candyman! Security officials storm the ring to prevent any further confrontation. The tear gas is threatened unless the ring is cleared.
I say, security has really stepped up.
Word is that it's the Right Hand Man's defense against the Rogue's Gallery in case they "try anything funny". Speaking of the Rogue...
Ladies and gentlemen, we don't usually do this during a telecast, let alone just before the main event, but for the first time in Monday Nae Trous history we have a vignette prepared.
Who're they featuring?
The Rogue's Gallery, of course, gee, I said "Speaking of the Rogue..."
It's rare, but I do believe we've had vignettes once or twice.
Well, here it is:

(scene, inside a very posh spa. The Rogue and Fred are in a hot tub)
Fred, this is the life!! I mean two months ago the Gallery and I were sharing a crummy motel room with poor lighting, meager furnishings, and no heat or cooling, and in what few matches we had we were jobbing to anyone the fed could find! A couple of weeks ago I was even in a jail cell! Now look at us! I'm sitting in a hot tub in one of the world's most exclusive spas with the fed's largest sponsor, sipping champagne and eating caviar! The Gallery are in the gym training with the world's most elite physical trainers and nutritionalists, having every piece of athletic technology at their disposal. How did we get here?
Fred: Oh, Rogue, all I want is to help you succeed. I have been watching your valiant attempts to conquer, and I have watched them all be ignored and sideswiped by the powers that be. All I did was use the nature of my relationship with the fed to pull some strings and help you guys out.
Pull a few strings? Look at what you've done! First you bailed me out of jail and had my lifetime ban from the STWF rescinded. Next you gave us an EXCLUSIVE Gallery main event at a MNT. Now we have an ICCTINACBBIC title bout lined up for the next PPV, and the Gallery members are in the best shape of their lives! Très Sheik has gained 15 pounds of muscle, Col. "Pops" Khorne has lowered his body fat level to 4%, and Rhythm and Blues have finally got on a diet consisting of something other than saltines! Hell, you even have the Aboriginals in detox (not that I'm expecting that to work)! Thanks for all the help, Fred!
Fred: Rogue, if you are impressed by just that, just wait and see what influence I REALLY have! That was just the tip of the iceberg, my friend, just the tip! The rest of the STWF should just look out!
HA-LA!!

Is it time to start worrying yet? I'm afraid that the other stables will start getting screwed out of good matches...especially the Industry.
Oh, don't worry, the Industry hasn't had good matches for ages.
This contest is a special tag team match, set for one fall. For our first team, introducing first, from Death Valley, California and weighing 310 lbs., former STWF Heavyweight champion...DEATH!
(The chorus of death plays...um, yeah. Death staggers to the ring. He looks ready...for another beer.)
His tag team partner is the STWF ICCTINACBBIC champion. From Parts Forgotten, weighing 245 lbs., douja!
("Roll it Up, Light it Up, Smoke it Up" by Cypress Hill plays. He stumbles to the ring. HE looks ready...for another smoke.)
Their opponents, first, from Kryptopolis, Mississippi, weighing 265 lbs., SUPERWRESTLER!
("Holding Out for a Hero" by Bonnie Tyler plays. He "flies" down the ring and stops midway, waiting.)
His tag team partner is the STWF Heavyweight Champion. From Panama City, Florida and weighing 282 lbs., B.F. SACK!
(The theme to "Sanford and Son" plays as Sack catches up with SuperWrestler. They come to the ring side by side.)
***bell rings.
What a great main event this could turn out to be! SuperWrestler starts off with douja. douja gets things rolling, as it were, with a few kicks. Hey, one of them landed! douja takes SuperWrestler's face and drives it into the mat. A little grinding happening, but the ref right there to stop it.
Come on, eh, let them go, they took the time to have this match!
SuperWrestler applies a neckbreaker. SuperWrestler hooks the leg: 1...2...douja kicks out. You won't get him that easily, even when he's not in full possession of his faculties.
Where's Grandma?
Barred from ringside. As was Big Daddy Panama.
Boy, big threat of interference from either of them. They do about as much as StreetMime. Will that guy ever leave the rafters again?
(pan to the rafters. StreetMime is still up there, except he's sitting in a chair and looking bored.)
Honestly, I think he's stuck up there. He only appears in Slobberknocker Arena.
Guys, guys, there's a big match to call here! We can't waste time talking about the stupid mime. SuperWrestler with a Samoan drop. He hooks the leg again: 1...2...no dice. douja takes the time to tag Death. Things just got a little more interesting. Death with a double-leg takedown. He's still holding on to Supe's legs, and he headbutts him right below the belt!
Serves him right. Rip off the hero gimmick from me, why don't you? And another thing, this Irving Goldstein character. I've got nothing left here! SuperWrestler is now the resident hero, and Goldstein is the oldest guy around! I'm nothing here, I tell you. NOTHING!
You've got plenty. You're in amazing shape for 82. Just challenge Goldstein and you'll show him.
Death goes to the top rope. He's trying a frog splash...Supe dodges out of the way, Death lands on his knees, BF Sack has just been tagged in! This crowd is going berserk! Sack with multiple European Uppercuts. Sack now working Death's knees. Death with a rake to the eyes! Sack temporarily blinded, Death with an inside cradle: 1...2...just barely kicked out. I thought Death had him!
Oh, sure, we ALL did.
Death with a cobra twist. He's using douja for leverage! The ref doesn't see it. SuperWrestler, ever with the sense of moral duty, enters the ring...well, the ref saw that. It's time for SuperWrestler to receive his mandatory minute-long lecture on ring etiquette. Meanwhile, douja is choking BF Sack with the tag rope!
Why don't they have two refs?
Because blind refs are a well-used cliché in wrestling.
True, but that thing of each ref counting a different guy for the pin was kinda neat.
Let's focus, people! Sack is turning as blue as Wrestler Smurf. The ref turns around and douja doesn't miss a beat in letting go and looking innocent. Death tags douja back in. Double vertical suplex by the Addicts. douja covers: 1...no. Sack is just too big for douja to keep down right now. douja with a kneedrop. He tries again...1...still up at one. douja switches to some submission tactics.
Since when does douja know submission tactics?
Probably since Grandma. Half crab applied by douja. Sack goes to the ropes...douja manages to pull him back a bit. Sack won't give up...he CAN'T give up...he reaches the ropes! The hold is broken. Sack goes for the tag, but douja won't let him. Sunset flip by douja... 1...2...kickout. Sack Irish-whips douja to the cross-corner buckle and makes a run for SuperWrestler. The tag is made! This crowd is back into it. SuperWrestler is a house of fire as he gives douja everything in the book. He's winding up now....it's the Punch of Justice! douja is down again. The cover: 1...2...3! Boy, that was quick.
Here are your winners, B.F. SACK AND SUPERWRESTLER!
douja and Death don't seem to care too much as they leave the ring. Supe and Sack start their showboating in the ring to the crowd's approval.
Voice: You think yourself a big man, do you now, SuperWrestler? You think you've made a name, have you? I'll fix you yet...fix you once and for all, like I've been trying all these years! And once I enter the STWF, I will finally succeed and destroy you! Heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee
....
heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee
...
heeheehee...
Enough of the laughing already!
Damn, some people just don't know to shut up.
I'm with you there. This voice is certainly annoying.
I wasn't talking about the voice.
SuperWrestler looks pretty angry at the voice rather than concerned. I think there may be some past between this mysterious voice and the man in red, white and blue. We'll give you more info as it becomes available.
But folks, we're out of time. Next time you see us, we'll have the King vs. Prisoner X in the shoot-for-Loot, the Bad <-BLEEP->ses in action against the Total Annihilators for the Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver belts (hey, they have to defend sometime), Sweet Candy Andy vs. the Violent Pacifist, and a six-man tag match whereby Bohemoth and the Circus Freaks will do battle with the Tiger and Milwaukee's Best! And you'll also see the debut of Irving Goldstein, coming up! Until then, I remain Angus "Vince" McMadden, and for Captain Twilight and "Black" Jack Dealer, I'll say, "keep your pants off!"
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre