We Are One Week Away! Sort of.

En español donde sea disponible!
(Pan interior of the Chinook Dome. The two Pyro guys wave their sparklers and shoot off a flare gun. One flare goes awry and a piece of the ring apron catches on fire. The fire is extinguished but not before an obviously large hole is left.)
That's not good. Der Kommissaar's going to be livid at that one. Er...
Welcome everyone to Monday Nae Trous! We are just one week away from Asylum Anarchy '98, and boy is it going to be a big one.
Are you sure we should advertise it this quickly?
Folks, meet Captain Twilight, actively retired octogenarian wrestler. He's here, and I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, and...
Yo, V, wassup?!
*sigh* Jamal Tupac Mustafa's back. Joy. Well, we'll try our best to make this a good card to set the scene for next week. Death is in action! He'll be going one-on-one against Prisoner X! Mira Maniac will face Carnage, and we have a special debut - Sir Hungalot to face Friar "Buck". Also, our Shoot-For-Loot contest continues as Kabuki faces the Ronin. And finally, our Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver tournament continues. The Cybernetics will face Nihongo Douryoku...
Yo V, didn't those Japs break up o' sumpin'?
That's right. They're still going to be teamed?
Um...I don't rightly know. But wait...Chet's telling me over the earpiece that another team will replace them, and that team will be...THE CREW? Didn't they lose on Friday? Yeah, I guess that's sound reasoning.
What is?
They said if other tournaments can bring back losers after the winners can no longer compete, then so can we.
Yeah, that IS sound reasoning.
Well, as we always do, let's kick it off with the debut match!
The following contest is set for one fall. Making his way to the ring first, accompanied by Westminster Abby, from St. Vincent's, Newfoundland and weighing 260 lbs., FRIAR "BUCK"!
(The Benny Hill theme plays on a church organ as he enters. He stops to ogle some young girls at ringside before getting to the ring.)
And his opponent, accompanied by Candy Cantaloupes, from Paradise, Pennsylvania and weighing 250 lbs., SIR HUNGALOT!
("Love Roller Coaster" by Ohio Players...um, plays. Sir Hungalot, despite the name, is not wearing a knight's uniform, but rather a t-shirt and jeans...um, with three legs. Abby glares at Candy as she bounces to ringside.)
***bell rings.
I recall that "Buck" requested this match personally because he believes he should be the only wrestler to have the "hedonistic clergyman" gimmick. Upon seeing Sir Hungalot, though, the Friar might not have anything to worry about.
"Buck" gives Sir Hungalot an Irish-whip to the ropes. No, reversal. Hungalot with a clothesline. He picks up the Friar and kneelifts him. "Buck" attempts a double-leg takedown. Yes! Friar "Buck" lays some heavy right hands on the newcomer.
Go "Buck"! He da man.
You certainly have a lot of idols, don't you?
I can have more than one. Friar "Buck", Sweet Candy Andy, douja, you know, the cool guys.
The Friar backs away. That could be a big mistake, underestimating the opponent like this. Sir Hungalot clambers to his feet, and scoop slam on "Buck"!
This has been a pretty even fight. Only ten pounds separate these men.
What does weight have to do with anything? If it says in the script that somebody wins...I mean, if Der Kommissaar wanted Pepe to beat Iceberg...um, I mean...
Oh, we all KNOW what you mean. Good one.
Friar is down. Hungalot to the middle rope...back splash! He makes the cover: 1...2...and the Friar gets a shoulder up.
Man, who cares about the match now, there's a catfight at ringside!
Sure enough, Jamal knows where the REAL action lies. Abby is giving Candy a right switching. I can't even tell if Candy's in pain though. Is she smiling?
Oh, she's probably had worse, considering the line of work she used to be in.
Captain Twilight, I'm shocked that you would say such a thing.
Yeah, Cap! I was sposeta say it.
Why am I not surprised? "Buck" takes some time out to watch the - er, sideshow? - Boy, he's loving it. He's licking his lips and...Sir Hungalot from behind! Inside cradle. No, he overshot the inside cradle. Buck is face down on the mat now, Sir Hungalot applies a camel clutch! Friar isn't submitting...Hungalot releases the arms and grabs "Buck"'s legs. I haven't seen a move like that since Cube left the organization! The ref is asking for the bell...
Here is your winner, as a result of a submission...SIR HUNGALOT!
Hungalot victorious with his finisher, the *shudder* G-spot. I have a bad feeling he'll be getting more air time in the future.
If fo' nuttin' else, his valet.
Good point. I wonder how Kandi will react upon hearing there's someone else with such a similar name.
Let's just get to the next match, shall we? It's Shoot-For-Loot time.
The following is a Shoot-For-Loot contest. Making his way first, from Japan, weighing 206 lbs., KABUKI!
(Pink Floyd's "Money", the Shoot-For-Loot song, plays as he dances his way to the ring, flapping his fans.)
And his opponent, also from Japan, weighing 228 lbs., THE RONIN!
("Money" keeps playing. He comes out with his street clothes. He removes his sword from his belt and gives it to a ring attendant.)
They're just about ready to go: I'll briefly give the rules. One point for most punches landed, one for a takedown, two for a knockdown, one each for congeniality, costume and good hygiene. As we begin, Kabuki is up 2-0 for his hygiene and costume points.
***bell rings.
The Ronin trying to make a comeback already. He's pounding away, it's obvious he has those fighting skills down. Kabuki is doing his best to block. Ronin with a takedown! Kabuki gets back up. He bows, and the fighting continues. Kabuki manages a takedown of his own! There you go. Ronin with a rabbit punch... he winds up for a vicious haymaker! Blood is trickling down Kabuki's mouth.
***bell rings.
Well, the Ronin certainly took it to Kabuki. Our unofficial results: Kabuki 3, Ronin 2.
***bell rings.
Well, yo, I tell ya, these Japs they got it goin' on. Kabuki don't seem none too pleased 'bout that whole bloody mouth thang an' it shows. Kabuki he gots a left in. An' a right. Ooh, check the uppercut, man! Nasty.
Since when are YOU doing play-by-play? Stick to your incoherent comments, please. But you're right, the Ronin is really not doing too well this round.
***bell rings.
After that, Kabuki picks up one more point. It's 4-2. I think the Ronin is going to have to look for a knockdown if he's to stay in this fight.
***bell rings.
Kabuki with a left hook. The Ronin drops! The Ronin drops! No, he gets back up for the standing 2-count.
Standing 2-count?
We don't have the time to do an 8-count. Kabuki gets two points for that, and I think it's safe to say that he's won. Kabuki with an uppercut. The Ronin's down again! The ref calls for the bell...the Ronin gets up, but it's over anyway.
Here is your winner...KABUKI!
So, Kabuki to face the Violent Pacifist in the upcoming weeks. We really should step this up to make it more timely, but we don't want to stop giving you such great main event-potential matches, like this one: Carnage to face the Mira Maniac.
You call THAT main event potential?
Angus calls StreetMime/OddJobber main event potential. Forgive him.
I do not, despite the fact I still give them credit for sticking it out. They're both accomplished wrestlers, StreetMime a former champion, they just need a chance.
This contest is set for one fall. Making his way to the ring, representing the Total Annihilation Squad and accompanied by Strep, weighing 327 lbs., here is CARNAGE!
(The funeral march starts up. Carnage takes about the same amount of time to get to the ring as Roddy Piper. Mixed reaction, with some boos for being so damn slow.)
And his opponent, from Hollywood, California, representing the Asylum Alliance and accompanied by Vito Sorvino, weighing 195 1/2 lbs., here is MIRA MANIAC!
("This Maniac's in Love With You" by Alice Cooper plays. More cheers than boos for this man.)
***bell rings.
What kind of booking is this? Carnage outweighs the Maniac by over 100 lbs.!
I already told you it's not weight. Besides, this is one of those contendership matches. Maniac is ranked #2 for the North American belt, Carnage #3. Enough said. Carnage however is really giving the Maniac a beating right now. DDT by Carnage sends Maniac into a world of pain.
Man, when do I getsta say something?
Mic's all yours. We'll stop talking and hear what's so darn important.
(pause) Uh...I think douja got a bum rap when that PO-lice took him in. You cain't treat a brotha like that. It's just the man puttin' us down.
Is this about the free smokes you've been getting?
Shut up.
While I try and avert this incoming call from Bobby Walker, Carnage gives the Maniac a big backbreaker. Gutwrench suplex by Carnage - Maniac is not into this at all!
He's probably just waiting for Asylum interference.
Carnage lays a cover: 1...2...3? No, can't be.
Looks like it backfired. Perhaps the Asylum thought the Maniac could go longer.
Here comes Sally Sleepy-Time and Bohemoth! Bohemoth charges the ring. Sally Sleepy-Time can't walk that fast, but he's waddling with all his might! Iceberg and the Violent Pacifist from behind lay him down with a double chairshot! Sally is on his stomach, out. We'd love to keep going with this, but we have some important messages to give you!

Hi! You don't know me. I'm Fred Meatnsaucy, owner of Meatnsaucy Powdered Gravy. Mmmboy, nothin' says country-style gravy goodness like Meatnsaucy.
(product shot of gravy with big chunks of meat)
Just look at all those chunks. It's so good, you'll say "it's full of Meatnsaucy goodness". Remember, my name is its name, so ask for it...by name.
(Gravy shown is suggested serving size. Actual size of meat chunks is 2mm average diameter.)

Our Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver tag tournament continues...now!
This tag team contest is set for one fall. Currently in the ring, with a total combined weight of 597 lbs., John Whopper and Chris Fry, THE CREW!
And their opponents, making their STWF debut,representing the Outcast Society and accompanied by Seed, from San Francisco and with a combined weight of 500 lbs., Andy the Android and Robbie the Robot, THE CYBERNETICS!
("Mr. Roboto" by Styx bleeps out of the P.A. Two guys who look like they have metal bodies enter. Robbie is a metallic grey, while Andy is painted red. They clamber into the ring and start breakdancing.)
Listen to that crowd! They're enjoying the antics of these guys.
Seed and the Pencil-Necked Geek must have used a space-age metal if they can keep these guys at 250 lbs. each.
Either that, or the humans weighed about 75 pounds before the operations.
***bell rings.
It's going to be hard to pick a fan favourite here. Both the Crew and the Cybernetics are getting fan attention. Chris Fry to start with Andy the Android. Andy with a massive forearm shiver that sends Fry halfway across the ring! Andy gorilla-presses Chris over the ring right to the guardrail. These robots are stupendous!
No more impressive than a guy who takes steroids hitting a record number of home runs.
Or a brutha doin' the 100 in 9.79 seconds.
You see, Jamal, the difference between my analogy and yours, is that mine is timely, while yours is so outdated it's not even funny.
Well, Der Kommissaar isn't prejudicial so these guys' enhancements are legitimate. Chris Fry tags in John Whopper. A double clothesline attempted on Andy...both members of the Crew are shaking off their hands in pain. Andy didn't budge! Andy lifts them both up for a double chokeslam. He tags in Robbie the Robot.
I hope they end it now. Let's be honest. We KNOW they're good already. Let 'em do their circuit breaker and end the thing.
The Sunflower is coming to ringside! Must be ready to lend some moral support. He's got a crobar! He's smashing Robbie. A few minor dents, but not much else is happening. He starts showboating in the ring now, and screaming "Who's Your Mommy?!"
I don't get it.
That's all right. It's naught to worry yourself over.
Why didn't the ref see it? Besides, if the Sunflower doesn't like the Cybernetics, he should attack the Crew to get them disqualified and move them on in the tournament.
Sunflower: Oh yeah! That'ss right.
Chris Fry: Dude, put it down. Like, we don't want trouble.
Sunflower ignores them and assures them they'll thank him later. The ref turns around as John Whopper takes a nasty shot to the abs. Here comes the bell...
Here are your winners, as a result of a disqualification, THE CREW!
John Whopper: Dude, we won!
Yes, you certainly did. Despite a loss, the Crew find a cheap way to advance to the semi-finals. Meanwhile, Seed is giving Sunflower a verbal thrashing. We can't hear it from here, but Seed looks livid. Wouldn't you be if a team with superhuman strength loses in such a manner?
Um...I suppose.
Yeah, I guess.
Let's just go to the main event. Both men are in the ring. We skipped the entrances to give you more action!
And suppose there's a screwjob?
What are the chances that an STWF Heavyweight Championship match would end in a screwjob the week before a pay-per-view?
I'd say unless the champ plans on leavin' the fed, about 100%.
***bell rings.
Death and Prisoner X lock up. Prisoner X gets the upper hand and slams Death to the mat. Prisoner X lays a fistdrop! He pulls Death up by the hair.
Death: He pulled my hair! Disqualify him!
Ref: Huh? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I'll let it go.
Prisoner X chokes Death out! Death is turning blue!
Death: He's choking me! *cough* Disqualify him! *gag*
Ref: What? Oh, quit your whining already. You're the champ.
Death moving to a shade of purple as X lets go. Prisoner X ties Death up in the ropes...a vicious series of kicks. A crescent kick right to Death's head! Death is virtually helpless. Well, here's your problem. He's not allied with anyone. If he was, he'd get help right now.
But V, he's the champ! You don't getsta be champ alone if you're not doin' somethin' right.
Besides, what if Prisoner X has enemies? Or someone doesn't want him to be champion? Like Bohemoth maybe?
Do you think Bohemoth would be that petty as to interfere?
Let's ask him. Here he comes. Yo, big B! C'mere.
Bohemoth: Not now. I've got some interference to do.
Bohemoth with a belly-to-belly on Prisoner X! He unties Death...running powerslam! He puts them both on top of each other...are we going to see the Smasher?
The Inner Circle come in to stop him. And here comes the Asylum Alliance! ALL of them. What a brawl! What a slobb...naw, better not.
Well, it's a tried-but-true method to end a show. That's all the time we have this week. On Friday Friday Friday, we'll see a non-title match between Milwaukee's Best and the Circus Freaks in a PPV preview match, we'll also see douja as he battles the Doomsday Chicken. Shoot-For-Loot sees another PPV preview as Sally Sleepy-Time battles Iceberg. And in the tag tournament, the Bad A$$es take on Nik at Nyte in what proves to be a guaranteed yawner. We might have more, who knows? For Jamal Tupac Mustafa and Captain Twilight, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden saying, order Asylum Anarchy '98 and keep your pants off!
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre