It's that time again...
En español donde sea disponible!
(Pan interior of the Slobberknocker Arena. Pyro guys doin' their thing. You know, sparklers and flare guns.)
Welcome to another Monday Nae Trous! I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden. With me is Captain Twilight.
We have a pretty good show lined up, if we do say so ourselves. The highly anticipated Champ vs. Champ match as
Wrestler Smurf faces Death! An "anything goes" match between Sunflower and Kabuki, and I shudder to think what THAT might mean.
The six-man tag between the Total Annihilation Squad and the Asylum Alliance. The Asylum is looking for revenge, we're sure of it.
Geek vs. the Sheik. If Très Sheik can pull a win out of his turban, he'll get a shot at the ICCTINACBBIC bel...suspenders.
But first, here's the throwaway match...
You can't say that! That's not very fair to either of the participants.
Oh come now. You called it a throwaway match two minutes before we got to air.
Um...well, here it is. PunkMe PayMe versus Identity Crisis Man.
This contest is set for one fall. Making his way first, accompanied by Bob, he weighs in at 239 lbs., he is IDENTITY CRISIS MAN!
("Man in a Box" by Alice in Chains plays.)
Wait a minute, wasn't that the theme of...
It was. Ironman.
(ICM comes out in a black leather vest, a black House of Pain T-shirt, blue jeans, and a fingerless glove.
Bob is on the other hand, dressed suspiciously like Domenic Oliver. The fans get riled up, then quiet as they see it's not really Ironman.)
And his opponent, from Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, weighing 250 lbs., he is PUNKME PAYME!
("Hit Me With Your Best Shot" by Pat Benatar plays. The fans give a minimal reaction. He does a lot of showboating. His trunks now feature a Beer For Girls ad.)
Well, nothing important is happening right now. I'd like to remind everyone that the Right Hand Man will be making the announcement today as to which
stable will be getting the all-important PPV that Mexico Unlimited left behind.
Well, he is an executive, and the time for lobbying is over. Let's hope he makes a good decision. Not something like the Rogue's Gallery,
he's got too much power already.
Fine. Oh! Did you see that? Oliver...I mean Bob just nailed PunkMe from out of nowhere! And I can't believe the ref didn't see it, because he's attached to ICM.
Nobody said our refs had good vision.
I don't know what's in that sock, but I think PunkMe's out cold. Wait, Identity Crisis Man is making a cutthroat gesture!
He lifts up PunkMe PayMe, and Iron Driver! OH MY GOD!
Okay, we don't need the Joey Styles commentary either.
You could count to sixty, and PunkMe's not going anywhere. One...Two...Three. Chalk up one more for ICM.
I sure hope he doesn't continue to masquerade as Ironman. But maybe that identity gave him the confidence he needed to
blow away the opposition like that.
PayMe certainly seems to be glad it's over. He's getting paid either way. You know, with an attitude like that, he seems like perfect Industry material.
If he weren't such a terrible wrestler.
True enough. Next, the "anything goes" match. Kabuki is making his way to ringside now with Sasuke, while Sunflower and Seed are looking to ambush them from behind.
So what else is new?
Hey! I expect that crudeness from Jamal, or maybe the Glutton, but you? I'm ashamed.
Both men are still outside the ring. Sasuke doesn't look ready to try anything with Seed right there, so that's a good thing. Kabuki whips the
Sunflower into the ringpost. He now gives the Sunflower a chop, and tries to Irish whip him into the ringsteps. No! It's reversed! Kabuki takes a spill, and the long
red wig goes flying. He takes the time to put it back on, making sure to bend with the LEGS.
Bending with the legs is a good strategy. Kabuki doesn't want to strain or tear anything.
Are your double entendres quite through now?
I think so, but I reserve the right to use more if Sunflower shows up again.
I'll ignore the foreshadowing, and say that both men are brawling by the guardrail. Not many masculine maneuvers here, in fact it's more of a catfight.
Slaps abound! And anything goes! Sunflower puts Kabuki in a powerbomb position...he looks ready to give one...actually, he looks pretty content with Kabuki
right there. Oh, he waited too long, Kabuki takes out the legs, and now Sunflower is in a Boston Crab. This is outside the ring, so I think Sunflower will have to break the hold.
He can't reach the ropes from down there.
Sunflower just found a way. He reaches behind himself to grab...well, Kabuki lets go immediately. Sunflower with a waistlock on Kabuki. German suplex coming your way!
Hey! You two get away from the Announcer's table, it's indecent! Alright, they're entering the ring now. More slapping? Oh, come now! Kabuki just whipped out a fan and sliced Sunflower across the chest with it!
The Sunflower's construction uniform has a big slash in it. Good thing it's thick, or else the Sunflower would have a nice gaping wound right now.
Look at the Sunflower go now! He's bashing Kabuki in the face with his pink hardhat. Seed throws him the "Kiss Me, I'm Clean" sign, and Kabuki feels it
right in the ribs! Sunflower puts Kabuki in a DDT position, now he's using the sign to...must we show this? Please, go to a fan shot or something!
(Fan shot of a dark-haired man with a blonde streak in the front, with a fishnet T-shirt. He's licking his lips at the display in the ring.)
Wasn't that the same fan they showed as last week? Must be a friend of the Kamera Kid or something to get this air time. Back in the ring, Kabuki with a vertical suplex. The cover: 1...2...no.
Both men up. Sunflower with a sleeperhold. Kabuki tries a back-kick low-blow, but no effect at all! Wait, here come Oni-San and the Great Noh! They're here to help Kabuki pull off the win.
Sunflower pulls out a whistle and blows it. What's that supposed to do?
Why is Très Sheik coming to the ring? He looks pretty down, and reluctant to be here.
I think this was the "special stipulation" the Sunflower was talking about. He pulls down Noh and Oni-San, he's beating them two-on-one! He's not a contender for the ICCTINACBBIC suspenders
for nothing! The crowd is going wild! Sasuke takes the opportunity to take a steel chair to the Sunflower's noggin. He goes down. Kabuki makes the cover: 1...2...Seed makes the save, and replies with
a steel chair of his own. He then puts the Sunflower's arm over Kabuki's fallen body. And he just whispered some instructions to his protégé.
Oh? I thought he...well, never mind what I thought.
The ref turns around from the distraction at ringside. The cover is made: 1....2....3! Just more proof that tag team halves rarely win.
Here is your winner, THE SUNFLOWER!
The Sheik tells the Sunflower to leave so he can fight now. I doubt he wants to be near the Sunflower for any longer than absolutely necessary, despite popular belief.
The Sheik's opponent, he hails from Computers Unknown and holds the golden suspenders that used to be the ICCTINACBBIC belt. He weighs 115 lbs. He is...the PENCIL-NECKED GEEK!
(The Beer Barrel Polka plays. Edwina is hanging off his arm...or is it the other way around? Loud boos for the champ.)
The Pencil-Necked Geek heaves the Sheik high with a German suplex. That's
power for a small guy, right there! The Sheik rolls out nicely and levels
the nerd with a clothesline - the Geek didn't see it coming. The Sheik
picks him up and gives him a backbreaker! The Rogue is now at ringside and
he's loving every minute of it!
I'll bet. He's happy whenever it looks like he'll
finally win something.
Très Sheik with a double leg takedown - I think the Geek hurt his
back on a bad fall. Sheik with rights and lefts. He removes the Geek's
spectacles and steps on them! Oh no! The Geek is blinded.
Here come Bait and Switch to ringside, ever with the
contingency plan. They've got their laptops, and the mouse potatoes are
typing like mad. What are those squealing sounds?
Sounds like they're accessing the Internet. You wouldn't know, you're too
old. Sheik with a cover: 1...2...kickout. Geek may not see too much, but
he can still feel a cover. Bait gives his own spectacles to the Geek - I
guess they're the same prescription, because the pencil-neck looks ready
to fight again. Whoa! Spinning heel kick.
The Rogue's face is starting to lengthen.
Geek covers: 1...2...Sheik bridges out of it. DDT by the Sheik. He now
pauses to tuck his hair into his turban. The Salesmen are calling Sheik
over. They're showing the screens to him. I wonder what they found on the
Internet that was so darned interesting.
Must be something offensive. Look at that disgusted
puss on Très Sheik! In comes the Geek, with the Wrong Homework! The
Sheik is out of this game right here. Geek's making the sharpening motion,
will we see the Sharpened Pencil?
Here comes the Sunflower to ringside! He's trying to get a look at those
screens. Look at those eyes light up. The Geek is waving him away, but the
Sunflower is really insisting. Très Sheik with a small package:
1...2...3! What a coup! Très Sheik gets a title shot!
Here is your winner, Très Sheik!
The Geek looks miffed at the Sunflower, who's still
trying to take a gander at those disgusting images. Wait...the Geek is
letting him! The Sunflower looks ecstatic. They're all smiles as they walk
off to the locker room, leaving the Rogue to showboat in the
What just happened there? Is the Sunflower going Tri-Lambda? Or is the
Geek...nah, he has Edwina. This makes no sense, and I smell a set-up.
Stranger things have happened here, Vince. You used
to say yourself: "If it's nae predictable, it's STWF!"
Don't imitate me. Let's get to the six man tag.
The following six-man tag team contest is set for
one fall. Making their way to the ring first, representing the Asylum
Alliance and accompanied by Vito Sorvino...here are Mira Maniac, BILL, and
("Insane in the Brain" by Cypress Hill, the generic Asylum theme, plays.
Sally is yawning and scratching his beard as he waddles to the ring. BILL
is shaking hands, and Mira Maniac is just being himself. Sign shot:
"Sally fears Sugarplum Harry")
And their opponents, representing the Total Annihilation Squad and
accompanied by Strep...here are Carnage, the Stalker, and Iceberg!
("Danger" by KISS plays - interesting that the Stalker's theme was chosen.
They all walk out in lockstep, Iceberg leading the way. Sign shot:
"Iceberg: Put On Some Pants")
Carnage will start with Mira Maniac. The two most technically gifted men
will begin for us, so that's a nice treat. Carnage with a front face lock.
He lets go almost immediately, switching to a full nelson. Maniac slips
down and kicks Carnage right in the gut. Carnage takes a few steps back,
but is otherwise okay. Maniac gets up via the Spinerooni.
That's getting old, he better use it while he
You bet. Maniac jumps to the second buckle and goes for a high crossbody.
Carnage catches him in mid-air and heaves him over for a suplex. Carnage
tries a legdrop, but Maniac rolls and tags Sally. Oh boy, is Carnage in
for it now. The crowd is cheering!
Why not? This guy is one of our nastiest
competitors. Carnage is looking concerned, I'd almost go so far as to say
he's scared! Almost.
To not be afraid of Sally is to be just plain foolish. Sally with a huge
shoulderblock sending Carnage right to the buckle! Carnage leaves the ring
and hides behind Strep.
Strep doesn't want any more of Sally, of that I can
be certain. Have his ribs fully healed, I wonder?
Strep throws Carnage back in the ring and pounds the canvas. Carnage tags
Iceberg, who enters the ring defiantly. He looks ready, and the crowd
feels that something's bound to give right now!
These are two massive men. Iceberg with the height
AND weight advantage, but nobody's ever gotten Sally down, let alone come
close to pinning him.
Sally with a belly-to-belly suplex. He gets up, and
kneedrops Iceberg right in the face! Iceberg looks furious. His eyes are
as cold as Sally's. He gets up, and there's a staredown right now. Sure,
Iceberg is looking down pretty far, but Sally sure has ring psychology.
Sally with a chop! And another one! Iceberg is slowly being driven back by
the man in the baby doll costume. Iceberg responds with a low blow. What a
I don't normally condone it, but I'd say with Sally,
you need every little edge you can get!
Iceberg with a double underhook DDT. Sally lands right on his face. The
massive Iceberg is ready to turn him over for the cover, but Mira Maniac
and BILL enter the ring! Mira distracts Iceberg and the ref while BILL
helps Sally up. Sally looks dazed for the first time...ever! The ref warns
the Asylum team. Sally goes over to tag BILL.
Sally didn't even get to hug anyone. This could
prove well for the Total Annihilation Squad.
I'd like to direct your attention now to ringside. Did you notice, Cap,
that an up-and-comer, the Violent Pacifist, is at ringside, watching this
You think he's scouting the Alliance? Or the Squad,
maybe? Or do you think he's just trying to get a feel for the
Could be anything. But I'd sure like to see how he puts up in the ring.
And right after this match, the Right Hand Man will tell us just who is
getting that PPV. BILL is receiving a terrible pummelling at the hands of
Iceberg. Iceberg now tags in the Stalker for a quick two-on-one. Iceberg
puts him in piledriver position...and Stalker spikes it! Oh, Lord, that's
nasty. BILL's dark hair now sports a spiffy red streak.
Somebody get Chris Chavis on the phone?
Now there's a subtle reference if ever I've heard one, so quit it. Stalker
is making the cover: 1...2...Sally and Maniac make the save! The ref has
had enough of them. He's calling for the bell, but that's not stopping the
Alliance. Sally is giving Iceberg a big hug, but Iceberg seems only in
minimal pain! Mira Maniac puts Carnage in the Replacement Killer! BILL is
setting up the Stalker for the BILLplex...and here comes ThatGuy! ThatGuy
is ready to do some damage and increase the odds. Wait! The Violent
Pacifist just jumped the barrier! He's trying to stop the brawl! The crowd
is booing violently, and here comes the trash!
The Violent Pacifist: Can we not just settle this peacefully? Violence
is not the answer. If it is, at the very least keep the odds even. Now
let's all shake hands and go back to the locker room like civilized human
Everyone is just staring at the Pacifist...they simply slap each other's
hands and leave the ring in opposite directions to even louder boos. The
Right Hand Man is coming to the ring now. Cap, get down there.
Right. (he goes) Mr. Right Hand Man, the
pay-per-view previously owned by Mexico Unlimited has been vacated. Only
four stables meet your criteria for their own PPV: The Rogue's Gallery,
the Asylum Alliance, the Entertainment Industry, and the Inner Circle. Who
have you chosen to own this spectacle?
Right Hand Man: After considerable lobbying from the Inner Circle and
the Asylum Alliance, with threats from the Rogue and severe apathy from
the Entertainment Industry, who didn't appear to want this event...after
much thought and deliberation, I have decided to give the next
RHM: To...THE ASYLUM ALLIANCE! Asylum Anarchy will take place in the
near future with the card to be released shortly.
I'm sure they'll all be ecstatic to hear the news.
Thanks for your time, Mr. Right Hand Man; we're just about ready to start
the main event, so I'll just head back. (he heads back)
The Asylum? That should be pretty weird - I wouldn't know what to expect!
But up next is a member of that Alliance, Wrestler Smurf, as he takes on
Death for the World Title.
There's talk of changing the World Title to the
Intergalactic Title. Any truth in that?
I've heard it, but it's all speculative.
The following contest is set for one fall, and is
for the STWF/CSTLL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP. Making his way to the ring
first, accompanied by ThatGuy, representing the Asylum Alliance, the STWF
North American champion, WRESTLER SMURF!
(The Smurf Dirge plays. ThatGuy is wheeled out next to the Smurf, wearing
the belt and clutching the Smurfettes. Many "He's Smurfcore!" signs can be
And his opponent needs no introduction. He is the STWF/CSTLL Heavyweight
(The cheers drown out his theme music as he comes down and gives his beer
to a kid in the audience. His large father takes the beer away from the
kid and drinks it, coughing and spluttering after he does so.)
Death makes a good segue to speak about our newest
Image Factory entrant. He's known simply as "douja". I don't know what it
means, or even why it's not capitalized. He and Death, and the
Aboriginals, have a lot in common. While I won't give it away, if he's
popular, I think we'll see plenty of "douja 4:20" signs.
Ugh...4:20, that's almost as overused as...whoa! Wrestler Smurf with a
gourdbuster! He picks Death up for a neck hang. The ref is counting:
1...2...3...4...Wrestler Smurf breaks the choke. Death bounces off the
ropes, Smurf leapfrogs. Death on the rebound, spinning elbow catches
Wrestler Smurf right in the solar plexus. He's a little winded. Death
seizes the opportunity. To the middle buckle...no, the top buckle! He's
ready to do something...what will it be?
Doesn't matter; ThatGuy just shook the rope, and
Death is singing soprano!
Stupid cliché brought to you by Captain Twilight. He's been around
so long, he might have invented that phrase.
No, but one cliché I did invent
Death with a DDT on the big man! Amazing!
Don't you want to hear what I...
The cover: 1...2...AND HE GOT HIM!
No he didn't. Folks, that was too close for comfort. Even ThatGuy thought
it was over; he almost entered the ring for a punking, but stopped after
seeing the ref hold up the two fingers.
Oh, never mind.
You say something, Cap? Anyway. Wrestler Smurf and Death in a general
brawling scenario, nothing technical. This has turned into a
Maybe with Death, it should be called a
It's not THAT bad, maybe three beers, but hardly a sixer.
What the hell are you talking about,
I don't have any idea. I think someone's been messing with the script
As long as it's not Oliver Copp, I don't
Death breaks the brawl with a reverse neckbreaker. Another cover:
1...kickout! Oh dear, looks like Wrestler Smurf is ready to rally.
Oh, honestly, what are the chances that the
secondary champion would beat the World Champion on a Monday program
that...um...hmmm. I guess I can't finish that sentence, can I?
Not without looking foolish and referencing to boot.
I see. Death bounces off the ropes again. Wrestler
Smurf ducks. Death bounces off the ropes again...ThatGuy trips him and
yells his catchphrase, much to the delight of the fans.
How ThatGuy gets over is beyond me. Sure, he's lovably insane, and he gets
gruesomely violent, and has a catchphrase that's really catchy...
As opposed to chants of a wrestler's name that would
sound derogatory if it were a baseball or hockey game?
Exactly. Oh, okay. Never mind. Wrestler Smurf picks up Death, flips him
over, and a kneeling piledriver sends Death crumbling to the mat. The
cover: 1...2...Death is still in it, folks! Smurf, to the high-rent
district...frog splash! The crowd loves it, the cover: 1...2...no, and the
The Asylum getting ever more popular as their
numbers expand and they get more airtime.
It's called "push", Captain, that's why they made the term. Death gets to
his feet. Wrestler Smurf misses with a big right hand. Death uses that
enzuilariato he's been toying with as of late.
Hey, might as well, there's no Mexicans to use
But Der Kommissaar is too cheap to change all the merchandise, so we're
stuck with the CSTLL part of the name. Death with a hurricanrana; he's
really been studying with the Mexicans. The cover: 1...2...no. He puts the
Smurf in a Boston Crab set-up....?
Slingshot. Wrestler Smurf flies to the buckle, face
first. Death is right there to scoop him up in a sunset flip.
Smurf's arms are pinwheeling...he maintains balance and sits on Death! You
could hear the impact from the nosebleeds. Let's see that again.
Please; let's not.
Fine. The cover: 1...2...and Death gets a shoulder up. Smurf drags Death
to the center of the ring...I think it's...yes! The singing Crossface, the
"Lalalalalala". Death has nowhere to go. He's not submitting, though.
He's inching his way to the ropes. That's one long
journey. It could take him a good minute to get there.
He's making progress though. The crowd is clapping in rhythm to get him
going. He's halfway to the ropes now. Looks at the cords on Wrestler
Smurf's neck stick out! He's really trying to keep Death back! Death is
just about there.
Wrestler Smurf rips the hold off all of a sudden.
Death's forward momentum just carried him out of the ring! ThatGuy is
right there. He's got the steel steps in his hands...Death just kicked
him, the steps drop on ThatGuy's feet! Death pulled that one out of
Death back in the ring. Both men are pretty darn tired right now, it
seems. They've been giving their all for quite a long time, and we've got
just five minutes of TV time remaining.
We can't buy three extra minutes
We're talking about Der Kommissaar here.
No chance, eh? Well, I for one don't see why Death
doesn't just walk out of the ring, he's got nothing to gain by
Death: Hey! Good point!
They can hear you, so let me point out that ThatGuy is right there to
throw him back in.
Death: Oh yeah...
Okay, I don't see why Death can't get himself
disqualified. He's got nothing to gain by playing fair.
Death: You just got on my Christmas list, oldtimer!
Death lowblows Wrestler Smurf and pimp-slaps the referee! He's laughing
hysterically, rolling on the canvas, as the ref calls for the bell.
Here is your winner, as a result of a
disqualification, WRESTLER SMURF!
(Crowd cheers. Wrestler Smurf grabs the Heavyweight Championship
belt. The ref takes it back.)
Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to remind you that the title does not
change hands on a count-out or disqualification, therefore the Heavyweight
champion is still DEATH!
Here comes the entire Alliance to settle the score. Bohemoth leads the way
as ThatGuy already charges the ring. There's BILL, and Sally, and....Death
just disappeared in that puff of...pleasant-smelling smoke. Whooo, I'm
Oh my...well, I should conclude, then. On Friday
Friday Friday, you'll see Bohemoth as he battles Prisoner X! Generation X
are back in action, they'll face Nik at Nyte! The Violent Pacifist will
take on the "kindler, gentler" Executioner in a "battle of the nice guys."
And oh, so much more! On behalf of Angus "Vince" McMadden, I'm Captain
Twilight saying, "Keep your pants off!"
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo
Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre