Monday Nae Trous #28
En español donde sea disponible!
(Pan of the Slobberknocker Arena. The two pyros are standing with nothing in their hands. They shrug and go point to funny signs,
such as "Tiger 4:6")
Looks like we're saving our money for SUPERCARD III! Because we are just ONE WEEK AWAY FROM THE BIGGEST EVENT IN THE HISTORY OF WRESTLING!
Thank you Tony Schiavone. Welcome everyone to Monday Nae Trous! I'm Captain Twilight. With me as always are Angus "Vince" McMadden,
of whom you just heard, and Jamal Tupac Mustafa, of whom I will be fighting next week.
An' I'll mop the flo' witchoo, old man!
Yes, of course you will, to clean up your own blood.
Gentlemen, PLEASE! Save your anger for SUPERCARD. We have a fantastic show for you. Let's kick things off as Tyrone Mayhem is scheduled to fight
the Aboriginals in a handicap match.
This handicap contest is set for one fall. Making his way to the ring, weighing 200 lbs. even, TYRONE MAYHEM!
("Regulate" by Warren G plays. Tyrone pauses to shake some kids' hands before hitting the ring.)
And his opponents...
(Rogue's Gallery theme music plays. The Rogue comes out with everyone in the Gallery BUT the Aboriginals. Loud boos. Someone hits the
Rogue with a soda, but he just laughs.)
Hello you uncouth rednecks! I am the Rogue, as you all had better know by now. Now Tyrone, I understand that
you want to fight my Aboriginals. But you see, I can't find them anywhere. While they would jump at the chance to rip your jugular out,
and certainly out-class you, you can't fight them. HA-LA! So, instead, Colonel "Pops" Khorne and Très Sheik have agreed to take their place.
Tyrone doesn't look happy about THIS development. It's well known that Sheik and the Colonel are much more accomplished than the Aboriginals ever will be.
Tyrone: Whut? I axed fo' the Aboriginals, and I gotta fight yo' top talent? Well, as top as the Gallery can get, yo. Man, that's...
When you went on a rampage after the Pencil-Necked Geek tricked you, who paid for all the equipment? ME! And THIS is how you repay me?
ANSWER ME! HA-LA!
But...b...(through gritted teeth) Fine. Let's just get dis over with, yo.
***bell rings.
Looks like "Pops" will be taking on Tyrone first. I think it was supposed to be Sheik, but he seems occupied adjusting his turban and spraying himself
with that foul "Eau de Camelle". Tyrone with a clothesline attempt. Khorne ducks, Mayhem spins around, the Colonel catches him and atomic drop! A flurry of European uppercuts
by the Vietnam vet!
Col. Khorne really has the experience factor going for him. He did once hold that ICCTINACBBIC belt and enjoyed it for a nice while.
Tyrone makes his first offensive move - it's a reverse DDT! What an opener it is. The cocky cover: 1...kickout. No way, José.
José's here? Los Mexicanos Nondescriptos in da house, V?
Actually, um...(checking his notes)...El Presidente is in the Twilight Zone, so I suppose yes.
Col. Khorne makes the tag to Très Sheik, who apathetically gets in the ring. This guy seems more concerned with his looks than with wrestling at all.
Tyrone is making him care now: a big chop to the midsection. Abdominal stretch by Mayhem. No rope-grabbing for him, he's a face, I think.
With Mayhem fighting two guys that can carry their own weight in the ring, you would think that Tyrone would want to take every advantage he can.
True enough. But that's not the right way to go about it. Tyrone Mayhem lets go of the hold. Grabs Sheik's legs, SPINEBUSTER! Appears as if Très Sheik may have injured something there.
Tyrone covers: 1...2...shoulder up. What a trooper Très Sheik is. Mayhem picks up the Arab. Mayhem choking out Sheik: the ref counts 1...2...3...Mayhem lets go at four.
Yeah! You go, boyeee!
And you folks at home wonder why I want to fight Jamal.
Très Sheik whips Tyrone Mayhem to the rope. The Rogue pulls down the top rope, and Mayhem spills out. The Rogue and the tag team champions are stomping away at the man. Col. Khorne hops off the apron
to join the fray. Sheik is taking this opportunity to fix his costume, and take a few puffs of his hookah. What an arrogant jerk!
And you're supposed to be the impartial one!
Sorry, but it's just that the Rogue's Gallery gets away with so much! They're the only stable that really abuses their power. Well, Mexico Unlimited to a degree.
Khorne hops back on the apron. The ref is finishing the count - 8...9...10.
Here are your winners, as a result of a count-out, COLONEL "POPS" KHORNE AND TRÈS SHEIK!
You may consider us even now, Mayhem.
The Pencil-Necked Geek is on the Monstron, in his room...with the Aboriginals?
PNG: Mayhem! I knew something like this might happen if I led the Aboriginals here. It's a wonder how much industrial solvents can get one nowadays.
You're certainly on a skid, aren't you? I just hope you can give me at least SOME challenge come Friday. Oh, and you two with me, give the Rogue my regards.
Aboriginal 1: Huh? Oh...yeah. What you said.
Aboriginal 2: Ditto. Yups.
PNG: Until Friday, Tyrone, and yet another win for the Pencil-Necked Geek! Heeheeheeheeheehee!
Is it just me, or is Tyrone getting a raw deal here?
Thass right. This is no way to treat a brutha!
Up next we have a six-man tag as the Entertainment Industry battle it out with Apocalypse members.
This six-man tag team contest is set for one fall. Making their way towards the ring, representing the Entertainment Industry,
and accompanied by Rimshot, Larry Lowbrow, and Lester Leary, Lounge Lizard...GRUFF, PRESTO CADABRA AND "BLACK" JACK DEALER!
(Lester Leary sings "That's Entertainment" as they come to the ring.)
And their opponents, representing Apocalypse and accompanied by the Inevitables and Messenger Boy...ANARCHY, MICHAEL WACKSON AND THE KEEPER!
(The Batman theme plays. The three enter the ring to a good reaction. Well, maybe not the Keeper.)
I'm still confused as to why the Inevitables joined Apocalypse.
***bell rings.
Starting things off are the two lighterweights: Jack Dealer and Michael Wackson. These two are no strangers to each other.
Michael Wackson with a German suplex. Jack Dealer screams in pain and clutches his back! What?
I think Jack Dealer is still suffering from a back spasm he suffered while fighting a guy who calls himself "Crippler", in the PMCW.
Jack Dealer went on to win that match in just over three minutes, but he really shouldn't be out here wrestling!
One...Dealer should be rasslin', o' else he'd be a wimp. Two, "Crippler" isn't an original name. That's wack.
Michael Wackson with a spine rake. Jack Dealer is howling, and hobbling around like....
Like he was Lord Steven Regal?
I didn't want to say it. I don't like referencing. Jack Dealer pulls his desperation move: He pulls out the deck of cards, fans them in front of Michael's face to
prohibit Michael's seeing anything...then kicks him below the belt! Ouch! Dealer quickly sticks the deck up his sleeve before the ref sees anything. The tag is made to Presto.
Good move by Dealer, get the opponent vulnerable, then get out to avoid further injury.
Presto in the ring with Wackson. Jamal, I'd like your opinion. Do you think Presto would want to get his girl, Janice, back anytime soon?
Oh, do I get to speak now? Thank you, massa.
No need to be facetious. Just trying to get you to do your job. ... You don't want to speak? Fine. Samoan drop by Cadabra! Wackson is really taking the beating.
A kneelock is applied by the Atlantic City magician. Wackson is looking to see what's closer: the rope or the tag. He's crawing towards Anarchy. Presto switches from a kneelock to an anklelock,
for convenience. That's not stopping Wackson... Presto is switching to a toehold.
Well, now he's just grasping at straws. The tag is made to Anarchy.
Presto is begging off. Anarchy stares him down. Presto grins and waves his cloak. A puff of smoke! Presto is... at exactly the same place? He mutters to himself, but just then Anarchy sets up for the chokeslam!
Rimshot tosses his drumstick up to Gruff. Gruff tosses it to Presto, Presto jams it in Anarchy's throat, and the hold is released. Presto tosses aside the drumstick.
That's twice now that the ref didn't see nuttin'. Y'all think the Industry paid off the ref ta go blind?
Never crossed my mind. Presto taking advantage of Anarchy's gasping condition...he's going for the "saw you in half" torture rack!
Which, mind you, he's been using before the Tiger got here.
Anarchy is not submitting. Anarchy adjusts his weight, Presto falls backward...it's a modified backslide the cover: 1...2...Presto just barely kicks out.
Presto leaps over to tag Gruff. The two brothers meet - the crowd goes wild! Anarchy tags in the Keeper, not knowing the other tag was made. The crowd quickly settles back down.
What purpose would Apocalypse have in taking the crowd out of the match?
It wasn't intentional. The two big men have a stare-down. All the men on the outside getting a nice breather in case the all-out brawl happens. Keeper starts the action. Big headbutt. Gruff staggers to his own corner.
Presto and "Black" Jack give him a heave-ho to get him moving. It works! Gruff knocks Keeper down with a huge shoulder! Gruff pounding away at Keeper. The ref is warning Gruff about the closed fists. Gruff picks up the Keeper...
running powerslam! The cover: 1...kickout. The Keeper with a facerake. Vertical suplex by the Keeper. And the rest hold is applied.
(pause)
***bell rings.
Ladies and gentlemen, this contest has ended in a TIME-LIMIT DRAW!
The crowd is booing quite loudly indeed. Both teams trying to quiet them...then do the only thing they can to get the fans riled up. The all-out brawl!
Everyone hits the ring, except of course, Rimshot. Lester Leary has The Golden Mic (TM) and smashes it over Anarchy's head. "Black" Jack Dealer slices at Michael Wackson with his razorcard.
Presto Cadabra knocks the Keeper around with his lead magician's wand!
Say what you will about the Entertainment Industry, but you gotta give 'em their props.
The Inevitables are just standing there. Why aren't they helping? Anarchy is telling them to get brawling, but they just laugh and start walking away.
Larry Lowbrow takes the distracted Anarchy...and YES! THE PUNCHLINE IS APPLIED! The Keeper picks Larry Lowbrow up for his impudence...and the DARKNESS! Crunch!
The fans seem like they're not going to get any more excited. The action continues to the locker room.
Next on the roster...Mira Maniac will battle Wrestler Smurf. Der Kommissaar decided this match would work because Bohemoth hates both of these competitors,
and probably couldn't choose whom to interfere against.
Well...what about "The Swinger" Mikey Howell? He could interfere against Mira Maniac...
(pause)
Never mind. I knew it was stupid once my mouth was open.
This contest is set for one fall. Making his way to the ring first, from Hollywood, California and weighing 170 lbs., MIRA MANIAC!
("Can't Get Enough of Your Love Babe" by Barry White. Maniac brings Mira2, who is now encased in plexiglass, "just in case".)
And his opponent, accompanied by Smurfette, from Smurf Village *cough**cough* and weighing 325 lbs., WRESTLER SMURF!
("The Smurf Dirge" wafts out of the PA. Loud boos for the blue man. He is still weeping as he brings his doll to the ring.)
***bell rings.
Mira Maniac really has his work cut out - Wrestler Smurf is 11 inches taller, and nearly twice his weight! While they have fought before,
I don't know if Maniac is ready for it. Smurf spears the Maniac! Picks him up...Maniac gets his own ground, fallaway slam! Holy cow! Maniac kneedrops Wrestler Smurf on the back of the neck.
If he keeps this up, we've got a major upset on our hands! Mira Maniac with a Camel Clutch. Wrestler Smurf doesn't sell at all. He just stands up with the Maniac hanging off his chin.
Maniac pulls off Smurf's hat, he's pulling the hair of Wrestler Smurf!
Does this guy have some sort of death wish? He's nuts!
The ref warning of the hair pull. Wrestler Smurf with a big backbreaker. And now a tilt-a-whirl powerbomb. Mira Maniac has just been taken to school. Wrestler Smurf with a legdrop. Mira Maniac
bugs his eyes out, gets up, and he's biting Wrestler Smurf on the nose! I'm starting to wonder who's crazier here! Smurf has had enough of this. He takes a chair from the outside...the ref is yelling at Smurf.
Smurf doesn't care and smashes it right on double-M's noggin. This match is over.
The winner of this match, as a result of a disqualification, MIRA MANIAC!
Wrestler Smurf isn't relenting. He just keeps smashing that chair. And oh no, not now! The "Lalalalalala" has been executed.
***bell rings.
***bell rings.
Looks like Smurf is going to get fined for this. A few less green papers for the blue man.
Well, green and blue clash anyway.
It's time for the Twilight Zone. If you'll both...
###phone rings.
(Angus picks it up.) Hello? You? You're supposed to...I see...uh-huh...okay, I'll tell him. Viva to you too. Goodbye.
That was El Presidente. He can't make it; Pepe is ill.
Well, that's just great. No Twilight Zone this week. Folks, we've gotta fill some time. Watch these commercials.
The STWF SUPERCARD III video game has finally arrived! In keeping with the new SUPERCARD tradition, ALL the STWF superstars are available!
Even some guys who left before the game's designers had time to change it, like Nip the Necrophiliac. There's even specialty matches, like the Handcuff match,
the Mining Equipment Match, and the "Crouching Behind Mira's House Brawl" with real scenery! There's even some Easter eggs available, with real wrestlers,
because the designers are ratbastards who don't deserve the money they're getting! What place do Kidman and Val Venis even HAVE in the ST...oh never mind.
That's STWF/CSTLL SUPERCARD III - get it today!
And we're back. A fine dark match it was. "The Swinger" Mikey Howell defeated JJJ Forbes in nine minutes of boredom. Well, they can't all be gems.
Like this next match. The STWF Heavyweight Champion, the Executioner, will be taking on, of all people, StreetMime! Last week, StreetMime signed that contract
the Right Hand Man gave him, and the STWF just might be turned topsy-turvy tonight!
Aw, yeah, right. What're the chances o'dat?!
If it's nae Prrredictable, it's STWF!
Whateva. Let's just kick it already?
The following contest is set for one fall, is for the STWF/CSTLL Heavyweight Championship, and has been designated "StreetMime's Rules".
Coming to the ring first, from Detroit, Michigan and strangely enough, not Pittsburgh, weighing 335 lbs., the STWF Heavyweight Champion, THE EXECUTIONER!
("Black Dog" by Zeppelin. He carries the belt over his shoulder, looking very confident indeed.)
And his opponent, from Nice, France and weighing considerably less than 335 lbs., StreetMime!
(StreetMime flies down on the rappelling belt from the rafters. He glares at the Executioner, who laughs in his face.)
***bell rings.
Captain, any idea on what "StreetMime's Rules" are?
I can only conjecture, no DQ, no count-out? Well, let's find out.
The Executioner locks up with StreetMime. Hiptoss sends the mime sprawling. Fistdrop by the Executioner.
The mime really selling those moves!
When yo' a mime, ya gotta overact. I t'ink it's in deir contract o' sumpin.
I suppose. Executioner with a snapmare takeover. Executioner with a DDT. He's already going for the crobar. The wind-up...whap! Right in the knees.
StreetMime really should have prepared better for this match.
The Executioner is getting up on the buckle for some showboating! But he's fighting a jobber, how much can the fans appreciate it?
Surprisingly, quite a bit. But wait, what's StreetMime doing? He's sticking his fingers in his own mouth and making a pantomime of whistle-blowing.
We gonna see some attack dogs! Man, things jus' got a little mo' inneressin'.
No, not dogs. Some of the other wrestlers are appearing from the dressing room! There's OddJobber, and BILL, and Hammond Egger...
The Red Snapper, Triple-J Forbes, those Masked Generic Thugs we saw last week, the Aboriginals, Distruct? He's a jobber?
Yeah, he's a jobber. You don't roleplay, thass what happens. Oh my LORD! Theah's some guys we thought was gone. The Square, the Stick, Cross-Eyed Chris Armstrong, Broadway Musical Man,
the Stonebreakers, the Sanitation Crew! StreetMime must've gotten every jobber in the entire STWF past AND present to get out heah.
They're all hitting the ring! Executioner is taking a mass beatdown from a jobber mob! I'll be sure never to speak badly of them ever again. I don't care how good you are,
or if you are the champion, but nobody and I mean NOBODY can possibly fend off 19 guys, jobbers though they be.
This is the oddest spectacle I've ever seen in all my sixty-five years of wrestling. The jobbers are taking their ultimate revenge! They're going to help a jobber win
the most prestigious title of them all! I can't even SEE the Executioner anymore with all these wrestlers out here.
It looks like the damage has been done. The Executioner is in the sorriest-looking shape I've seen him in since that match where the timebomb went off prematurely. Hammond Egger lays Executioner out in a nice pinning position for StreetMime.
All the jobbers clear out now. Remember, this is a "StreetMime's Rules" match, so what just happened was all completely fair. StreetMime is going for his finisher...
But StreetMime's never won, what could his finisher be?
StreetMime pretends to hit him in the face! That's the finisher, and may I say, it's very appropriate for a mime. The cover: 1...2...oh, this is a bleak day for the STWF.
Here is your winner, and NEEEEEEW STWF/CSTLL Heavyweight Champion.....STREETMIME!
I don't believe it! The implications of this have no end! We'll have to discuss this at a later date. That's all the time we have for this week.
Join us on Friday Friday Friday, where the Tibetan Monk takes on Friar "Buck" in a Crucifixion Match, Milwaukee's Best battle Nik at Nyte, Tyrone Mayhem fights the Pencil-Necked Geek
in an electrified barbed-wire match, and lots more! I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, saying, "Keep your pants off!" What a night it's been!
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre