Monday Nae Trous
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(Pan interior of the Slobberknocker Arena. The two pyro guys are shooting off the flare guns and sparklers to start the show.
At their side is an ominous green bag, writhing.)
Man, I thought Earthquake smashed that thing.
Welcome everyone to Monday Nae Trous! I'm as always, Angus "Vince" McMadden, and with me,
again as always, are Captain Twilight, and Jamal Tupac Mustafa.
We're sorry you missed that dark match: Wrestler Smurf battled a great match against The Keeper. After a grueling nineteen minutes, the blue man
pulled off the major upset. Keeper fought well, but just couldn't get it all together. He's now been booted out of contention! Smurf has one heck of a manager. Wrestler Smurf officially
rockets himself into #5 contention for the North American belt, actually justifying his match with Bohemoth at Supercard.
That's enough of the exposition! WHEW!
We've got one great show for you tonight,
with some special surprises! Here's one right now: The Tibetan Monk will...oh, just watch.
This contest is set for one fall. Making his way to the ring, from the Himalayan Mountains, weighing 275 lbs., THE TIBETAN MONK!
(The chants sound. Monk and Dali Lama enter to more booing.)
And his special mystery opponent: get ready...from the Penultimate Fighting Championships, please welcome KIMBO!
(Crowd goes berserk. A squat man enters with an enormous cross on his back. He is accompanied by a group of men wearing blue and white track suits,
and towels around their necks. Some are placing their hands on Kimbo's shoulders.)
Aw man, KIMBO! How the hell did you get HIM?
Apparently, Kimbo approached Der Kommissaar to fight the Monk - the whole cross thing.
(Kimbo is halfway down the ramp. Suddenly he collapses under the cross' weight. His entourage looks him over, then picks him up
and drags him back to the locker room, waving their hands as if to say "forget it")
Well, there goes that then. A lesson to all: Don't exert yourself more than you need to.
Oh, y'all just sayin' that 'cause yo' @$$ is 81, and you cain't exert worth a damn!
Yeah? Want to prove it at Supercard? I'll take you down, and send you to school!
YEAH! LET'S DO DIS!
Boys, this isn't helping. You can have your little match, but the Monk is still waiting for an opponent. He's already won by
forfeit, but I think he still wants to wrestle! But here comes Nip from behind! They're battling it out!
Dali Lama is beating up on Bunny, for all the good beating a dead llama does. Nip sees this and he looks furious,
if somewhat happy. I guess those drugs haven't quite worn off. Anyway, Nip is about to slam Lama, but the Monk is back and smashes his head on the guardrail!
These two are taking it back to the locker room. I wonder if Kimbo will be back, but somehow I doubt it.
Is that going to count as a match?
In terms of space, yes. Officially, no. Next up we're going to see the handicap match - B.F.Sack will face both BILL and JJJ Forbes.
The two jobb...um, of B.F. Sack's opponents are in the ring now.
And their opponent, from Panama City, Florida, weighing 282 lbs., B.F. SACK!
(The theme from Sanford and Son plays. Sack comes out to a good-sized pop.)
Sack certainly gaining popularity here. And now the match is under...
BILL, the heavier of the two, starts off with Sack. Sack applies a side headlock. Sack now bulldogs it! BILL is already rubbing his neck.
This guy really needs a vacation. He's had more injuries than I can count, and still comes back. He's the Tony Norris of the STWF.
Quit your referencing already. Certainly, BILL is a little injury prone. But what a trooper! BILL with a kick to Sack's chin. Sack takes a few steps back, but he's okay.
Sack with a football tackle on BILL! The crowd roars in approval!
Oh, that's original. I suppose next, we'll see the "Sackhammer"?
Don't you start referencing on me too. BF Sack picks up BILL, holds him in vertical suplex position for a good long time....and BODYSLAMS HIM DOWN!
Man, can I calls 'em, o' can I calls 'em?
Sack with the cover: 1...2...and Forbes makes the save. Sack turns to glare at Forbes. Forbes is begging off. Sack applies the vertical bodyslam to Forbes! Both men are laid out. He sees no point
in applying his Domino Effect. Not against these two anyway. He covers them both: 1...2...3. And Sack makes quick work of two men!
Here is your winner, B.F. SACK!
Wow. What a performance. I wonder if Prisoner X was impressed. Probably not. But here comes StreetMime from the rafters again!
He's pointing two imaginary bats at them! BILL and Forbes look at each other...they don't know what to do. BILL hesitantly reaches for the bat.
StreetMime wasn't threatening them all along! He was offering the imaginary bats to him! Forbes takes the other. StreetMime turns around and raises his arms.
Forbes is about to nail Mime a good one, but BILL stops him. StreetMime turns around, grabs the bats, nods, and just as quickly flies up to the rafters.
I have no idea what this is all about. Next week, I'll try to interview StreetMime and see what he wants.
But first, it's time for my segment!
(enters the ring)
Hello everyone, and welcome to the Twilight Zone! With me, Captain Twilight. My guests this week are one of our newest tag teams here.
Please welcome Beast and Beast Light, Milwaukee's Best!
(They come down and enter through the ropes)
I understand you were actually scouted, from Milwaukee, by Der Kommissaar
himself after he found you two bar-brawling. Any truth to that rumour, and
if so, why did you take him up on it?
Beast Light:There is some truth to this. The Beloved Der Kommissaar was
'til early morning at our local hangout. I think he had one too many and
started running his mouth about how much pull he had in the wrestling
business. Well, someone didn't like this too much and got up in his face.
Luckily we were there and took care of business for him. To show his
gratitude, he offered us a spot in the STWF and the rest is soon to be
Interesting. Beast Light, we haven't heard word one from Beast. Why? Can't Beast speak
for himself? Beast, feel free to answer if you are so inclined.
Beast Light: He can speak, he just chooses not to. I think I can get
him to say a few words though.
Beast: I once threw a cigarette machine at someone in a fight. I think
Er...I see. Thank you Beast. Now, your Blackout sleeperhold seems a little out of place for two people who
learned how to fight in bars. Can you tell us where you picked that up,
and isn't it terribly inefficient if you'd want to subdue rowdy drunks?
Actually it is very efficient, they go out like a light. We first learned
the Blackout in college. We were at a party and a fight broke out. The
cops came and used this move where they put one arm around a guys throat
until he passed out. What we didn't know at the time is that if you hold
it too long, you can kill a person. (Beast is laughing)
Keep in mind that the Blackout isn't the only move we picked up, Cap'n, we
have a new move in the works. Although I can't disclose the specifics, I
can tell you it will be called the Last Call.
Can't wait to see it. Of course, it's common knowledge by now that you're facing the Circus
Freaks at SUPERCARD III. Comments?
Beast Light: It is common knowledge that the Circus Freaks are soft.
The act like they beat themselves up or something, which is pure comedy.
I think the fans may not want to take a bathroom break during that match
because it will be over quick!
Oh yeah? Sez you!
Hey look! The Circus Freaks are on the Monstron!
An' jus' as quickly, they gone. Well, they can't waste too much time
talkin', they's got a match tanite aginst Anarchy an' Sugarplum Harry.
Speaking of which, Milwaukee's Best is leaving, so that match can get underway!
The following tag team contest is set for one fall. Making their way first, with a combined weight of 635 lbs., representing Apocalypse, they are
SUGARPLUM HARRY AND ANARCHY!
(The Batman theme plays, but on a tuba. They enter to a loud response. Most of it good!)
And their opponents, with a combined weight of 561 lbs., representing the Asylum Alliance, THE CIRCUS FREAKS!
(The ominous calliope music plays. Even bigger crowd response.)
Dizzy will start with Harry. A noticeable weight differential here. Harry with a bearhug. Double-D is trying to get out, but failing. An elbow to the Pixie King's head releases the hold.
Harry now with a slap to Dizzy's face. Dizzy is mad - spinning DDT! Harry has no clue what hit him!
Harry up again, whips DD to the ropes and BAAAAACK body drop. DD is back up and sweeps Harry's leg...
goes to the middle rope for a corkscrew legdrop! Harry manages to make the tag to Anarchy.
Anarchy with a big clothesline, and Dizzy goes down. The tag to Sasquatch is now made, and boy, someone's in for it now!
Thass right, V, Anarchy goin' DOWN!
If you say so. Sasquatch growls and gurgles; the crowd yells in response! Anarchy with a chop. Completely no-sold by the monster! Sasquatch picks up the former North American champion...
huge powerbomb! Did you see the height on that one? Off the ropes...a hairy drumstick right on target! Anarchy is feeling the pain now.
Camel Clutch by Sasquatch. He is really dominating!
Why are the Inevitables walking to ringside? What business do they have here? They have a title shot, starting a feud now is pointless!
Sasquatch applies a pumphandle suplex on Anarchy. And now it looks like time for the Saskatchewan Stomp!!!
He's goin' to da top rope...it's gonna be a biggie!
Oh no! Harbinger just pushed Sasquatch off the buckle! Sasquatch lands on his face. Harry giving the sign...and it looks like he'll apply a Nutcracker!
And there it is! OUCH! Sasquatch may have barriers of pain, but I don't know if the Nutcracker is within them. There's the paw tapping out...
Here are your winners, as a result of a submission, SUGARPLUM HARRY AND ANARCHY!
Anarchy: I would like to introduce to you, the NEWEST members of Apocalypse, THE INEVITABLES!
Why on earth would the Inevitables join Apocalypse?
This makes as much sense as the Dusty Rhodes turn.
Must I keep reminding you that we're in the STWF, Cap?
No, and I rather wish you didn't so I could keep referencing.
Sigh. We'll be right back.
Supercard is just a few weeks away! Just signed: Captain Twilight will take on Jamal Tupac Mustafa in the battle of the Announcers!
And tons tons more. If you haven't made a challenge, please hurry, or you'll be stuck with a useless match!
Monday Nae Trous is brought to you by Fat Matt Gigantic Beef Jerky Sticks for the Morbidly Obese.
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That's Fat Matt Gigantic Beef Jerky Sticks for the Morbidly Obese. Who you callin' "slim"?
Glad to see Maniac finally got that endorsement he wanted. Okay, our final match this evening features Prisoner X as he takes on El Spheros. Apparently, Prisoner X
wanted to inch his way into contendership as well. Can he do it? Let's find out!
This contest is set for one fall. Making his way to the ring first, from New York City, weighing 290 lbs., PRISONER X!
("Hell's Bells by AC/DC plays. The armed guards undo his manacles and his high-tech ankle bracelet. Mixed reaction.)
And his opponent, from Mexico City, Mexico, accompanied by El Presidente and weighing 289 lbs., EL SPHEROS!
(Khachaturian's "Sabre Dance" plays. Pepe runs out to set up the ramp. El Spheros, the human sphere, barrels up the ramp, and lands dead center in the ring with a "thud."
Good reaction for the legend.)
Spheros and the Prisoner lock up. No pun intended. Spheros with an armdrag takedown. Spheros spins over Prisoner X, and applies a snapmare. Spheros bounces off the ropes for a splash,
but Prisoner X sees it a mile away and lifts his knees. Prisoner X is up. A series of closed fists. The ref is warning X. Spheros wobbles, but he doesn't fall down.
With a shape like that, I ain't surprised.
Prisoner X with a Gorilla press. What power! Prisoner X with an elbowdrop, but lands awkwardly. You can't really do drops on El Spheros unless you're standing I guess.
El Spheros, former STWF champion, takes advantage. He's doing his trademark bounce. It has no real name, but does it matter? That can cause serious pain!
Do you really think Prisoner X can't take the bounce? Please. Look at the guy, he looks like he's had everything under the sun done to him.
X is up. Forearm shiver by the felon. Russian Legsweep, and El Spheros is breathing heavily now. He's tired. When you're a sphere like him, you can get strained pretty easily.
Don't let dis guy fool ya, V. He was a champ fo' a good long time. Twice in the NWF too. Spheros always gots sumpin up his sleeve, if not El Presidente there.
Good points all, Jamal. Prisoner X is trying a Boston Crab, but is completely unsuccessful. El Presidente is laughing! X goes over to yell at him. Inside cradle by Spheros! 1...2...no. Ooh, that was
really close! Prisoner X has just snapped! He goes outside the ring and grabs a steel chair. He whacks it on El Spheros' head. No wait, it was just his gut. So hard to tell with Spheros.
The ref throws the chair out of the ring. Spheros with a reverse Frankenspheros! Prisoner X is down. El Spheros is getting ready for the Super Super Spheros Spinning Splash!
There he goes!
Look at all those 360s! Three, four, five, I lost count. Nine at least.
Shame it takes so damn long. The felon put his knees up agin.
Tough luck for El Spheros. El Presidente is smacking the apron and screaming! Prisoner X is slapping on the Lockdown.
El Spheros gives up, but Prisoner X is not releasing the hold.
Here is your winner, as a result of a submission, PRISONER X!
Prisoner X is maintaining Lockdown. The ref is warning the felon to stop or be disqualified! Prisoner X just applies it harder!
Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has reversed his decision. Your winner as a result of a disqualification, EL SPHEROS!
What was Prisoner X thinking? He could have stolen the #4 contender's position, but instead he just chose to "prove himself". That's not good at all.
There he goes, trying to escape through the crowd again, but his guards are right there.
That's it for this week. Join us on Friday Friday Friday. You'll see T-Ray take on the Red Snapper! Tyrone Mayhem will make his debut against the Pencil-Necked Geek!
Mira Maniac squaring off against Bohemoth in a non-title match! And more! For Captain Twilight and Jamal Tupac Mustafa, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden saying,
Keep your pants off!
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre