(A large pair of pants floats across the screen, then covered by a gigantic red circle with a line through it. The STWF logo appears)
En español donde sea disponible!
(Interior of "generic STWF arena, somewhere, North America". The two guys with sparklers and flare guns have been replaced by two other guys, and they kick off the fireworks to start the show.)
Hello all, I'm alone for this week's Monday Nae Trous, because Angus McMadden got his solo announcing duty, thus I get mine. And of course, I'm not wearing pants. We have a spectacular lineup for tonight, including DOOM's placing of his title on the line against Distruct. But first, on a sadder note, we will take you to highlights of "The Hemophiliac" Ken Thompson's funeral. He did not even have a match before the Rogue's Gallery, who (I am now disgusted to say) I was a member of once, viciously beat and cut him. In fact, let's go there now.
(A funeral home. All of the STWF wrestlers are in attendance, including some guys who've been away for a while, like Buzz Redwood, the Organ Grinder, and Identity Crisis Man (who is dressed like the Junkyard Dog, except he's white). None of the Rogue's Gallery is in attendance. A man who looks like Ken Thompson is at the lectern. He wears a black armband, and a blood-stained tourniquet around his wrist.)
As I stand here over the expired body of "The Hemophiliac" Ken Thompson, I cannot feel anything but utter disgust at the Rogue's Gallery, and the STWF in general. To hurt an innocent man is one thing, but to kill him is entirely another! And I can't believe that not only are no charges going to be laid, but that the Rogue's Gallery is allowed to continue wrestling. I really don't know who's worse, the Rogue or Der Kommissaar. It is a black day for wrestling when someone dies before his debut and no one bothers to do anything. The Rogue's Gallery must be stopped at all costs. I never thought it would come to this, but I have decided to step into the ring, until my brother's death is avenged. Rogue's Gallery, you had better watch yourselves very closely, lest you find yourselves in the same position as my brother Ken. "Plasmatic" Peter Thompson has arrived. My blood only clots half as fast as average, so I am not quite a hemophiliac, but a bleeder nonetheless. Ken will now be placed in the cryo-chamber as was his deathbed wish, and we will ring the ten bells for a wrestler we hardly knew.
(The bells ring. The camera pans over everyone: ThatGuy, Sugarplum Harry and his clay golems, Generation X, the former members of the Rogue's Gallery - Cross-Eyed Chris Armstrong, Jamal Tupac Mustafa, Sweet Candy Andy and Captain Twilight; Mexico Unlimited, DOOM, Stealth Bomber, and everyone else. All look sad, except for Invisiblo, who doesn't look like anything at all.)
Thank you. Our first match this evening features the Aboriginals, as they take on the Warrior Gods. The Warrior Gods of course getting a title shot at the Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl, but then again the Aboriginals do have the Rogue's Gallery on their side.
The following contest is set for one fall. Making their way to the ring, from the Nottatentik region of Québec; with a combined weight of 512 lbs., and representing the Rogue's Gallery, Aboriginals 1 and 2, THE ABORIGINALS!
(Native chants play. The Aboriginals come to the ring, with lumberjackets over Rogue's Gallery T-shirts. They are sniffing the inhalable paint thinner they petitioned for. You've never heard louder boos. The Rogue is pointing at them and grinning. Très Sheik and Colonel "Pops" Khorne are about to come to the ring, but the Right Hand Man stops them and tells them to get back to the locker room.)
And their opponents, from Asgard, accompanied by the Mighty Odin and with a combined weight of 610 lbs., Thor and Tyr, THE WARRIOR GODS!
("Devil in the Kitchen" by Ashley MacIsaac plays. They stride to the ring and are cheered strongly.)
Tyr starts things off with Aboriginal 2 - like there's a difference between them. Tyr drives the stump where his hand should be deep into 2's chest. The ref warns him, saying that's too close to the closed fist. Tyr complies and gives A2 a massive headbutt. A shooting star press by Tyr - I would have never guessed he could do that. Tyr picks up A2 and whips him into the turnbuckle. Tyr picking up speed, and is met with a boot to the face. A2 clotheslines Tyr. A2 is walking around a little dazed - I guess that's what inhalants will do. Message to all of you at home, kids: just because our wrestlers act irresponsibly, doesn't mean you should. I should know from experience - I'm 81, I've been around. But on to the match - I tend to digress a lot in my age. Tyr with a sunset flip on A2: 1...2...Aboriginal 1 makes the save. He then quickly shuffles back to his corner. Tyr with a powerbomb, and tags Thor.
Thor with a legdrop, but Aboriginal 2 rolls away and out of the ring. Thor follows. Aboriginal 2 is running around the ring, chased by Thor. Thor runs into the Rogue, who throws paint thinner in his eyes! Aboriginal 1 isn't too happy - I guess he had better uses for it. The Rogue pulls out a cigarette lighter: oh no, that paint thinner could very well be flammable! He's just about to set Thor's face on fire... wait! The Mighty Odin is there to stop it. Thank goodness. He snatches the lighter away, and tries to set the Rogue's HAIR on fire! Luckily the lighter is out of fluid. Aboriginal 2 rolls Thor into the ring and tags Aboriginal 1. Spike piledriver on Thor by the Aboriginals. Thor no-sells it completely. Double chokeslam on the Aboriginals! He tags in Tyr for the Final Prayer: Yes! Done very nicely, and the ref counts 1...2...3. Chalk up another loss for the Gallery. They may have a belt, but not much else. I'm so glad I left them.
Here are your winners, THE WARRIOR GODS! (Cheers)
The Gods yelling at the camera - looks like they're sending a message to the Circus Freaks. That matchup at the B'BB should be one-of-a-kind. No doubt about it. Our next matchup features Stealth Bomber, as he takes on Pepe, the Mexican Midget. One of our more underrated wrestlers, Pepe has proven himself time and again to match up nicely with the big boys. Heck, we only need to go back to Mexico Madness when he beat the Stick and retired him! Then again, Stealth Bomber is one of our newer competitors, and has a lot of potential.
The following contest is set for one fall. Making his way towards the ring, weighing in at 106 lbs., representing Mexico Unlimited, and accompanied by El Presidente, José and Julio, PEPE, THE MEXICAN MIDGET!
(The Mexican Hat Dance blares over the PA. Pepe runs to the ring, still wearing his sombrero and serape. He does a little showboating for the crowd, who don't seem too impressed. This isn't Mexico.)
And his opponent, from Washington, DC, weighing 285 lbs. and accompanied to the ring by Sir O., STEALTH BOMBER!
("War" by Bruce Springsteen plays. Sir O. comes out, but Stealth Bomber is nowhere to be seen. He suddenly appears from out of the crowd, hops the iron barrier, enters the ring, and attacks Pepe before the bell.)
Stealth Bomber displaying his stealth as he comes to face Pepe from behind. I think it's cowardly, but I must admit it's effective.
Stealth Bomber with an Abdominal Stretch on Pepe. It looks rather comical, seeing Bomber trying to stoop to Pepe's level, as it were. Pepe grabs the ropes after seven seconds. Pepe now with a Russian legsweep on Bomber, followed by a middle-rope splash. The cover:1...and Stealth Bomber kicks out. Rather easy to kick out from Pepe of course. Stealth Bomber now with a facebuster. Stealth Bomber continues his attack with a "Ghetto Blaster" back-brain kick. He attempts a kneedrop, but Pepe rolls out of the way, and gives Stealth Bomber a bootlace scrape. Stealth Bomber is up...Pepe executes a hurricanrana! 1...kickout. Pepe really needs to gain some weight! Stealth Bomber with a full-nelson. Pepe just slips out, rolls towards the ropes, springboard moonsault off the ropes! The count: 1...2...kickout. Looks like Stealth Bomber is getting a run for his money now. Stealth Bomber with an Atomic Drop. That has to take something out of the Midget. The cover: 1...2...Pepe kicks out, and catapults Stealth Bomber to the turnbuckle. Pepe runs up and another hurricanrana by Pepe! Stealth Bomber stops it and has Pepe in a pinning position...1...2...kickout. Pepe attempting the double-dropkick. He dropkicks Stealth Bomber seven feet in the air, goes to the turnbuckle for the mid-air dropkick, and he misses. Stealth Bomber contorted his body just enough to miss Pepe. Stealth Bomber lands on Pepe: 1...2...kickout. Pepe gets up and gives Stealth Bomber a DDT! He signals José and Julio to the ring. What the? Julio stands on the top turnbuckle, José stands on Julio's shoulders, Pepe climbs up on both of them, is he going to do something from that height? It could be anything, a moonsault, a legdrop, but whatever it is, it's not going to be pretty! Why's he wasting all that time? Stealth Bomber leaps and slaps the top rope. Pepe is shaking... He leaps off the top just as Los Mexicanos Nondescriptos topple. The crowd gasps...it's a plancha! Stealth Bomber with a fist to his midsection and Pepe is down! Stealth Bomber covers: 1...2...Pepe rolls it over: 1...2...Stealth Bomber rolls back and applies a small tombstone piledriver on top! The cover: 1...2...just barely three. Pepe is still in this, folks! What a fantastic match we've seen so far, eh kids? This is almost worthy of a return match on a pay-per-view...hmmm...nah. Pepe with a flying forearm, but Stealth Bomber doesn't go down. Stealth Bomber with a kneelift, making Pepe airborne, but that's where Pepe is at his best...Pepe with a clothesline from the mid-air position! Pepe lands face-first on the canvas though. Stealth Bomber rolls him over: 1...2...shoulder up! Pepe has more resilience than any I've ever seen. Pepe is definitely feeling the effects of the match wearing on like this. Bomber with some chops. Bomber with a bulldogging headlock. Bomber with a legdrop! Bomber with an elbowdrop! Oh come on, it has to be over now. 1...2...SHOULDER UP! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE! Pepe with a monkey flip on Stealth Bomber. Pepe exits the ring to take a breather. Stealth Bomber decides to stay in the ring. The ref counts: 1...2...3...4... Stealth Bomber changes his mind: He goes to the top rope, scouts for Pepe, but doesn't find him! Odd...Pepe enters the ring from the other side and takes Stealth Bomber down with a superplex! They both got hurt on that one. The ref is starting to count both men out: 1...2...3...4...5...6...Pepe slowly getting up...7...Bomber too...8...both men are up. Stealth Bomber with a forearm smash. Pepe goes down. Reverse chinlock by Bomber: Pepe not submitting. Stealth Bomber adding more pressure...Pepe is in pain...
Don't tell me the ref stopped the match! Let's get the official word.
Ladies and gentlemen, this match has ended in a TIME-LIMIT DRAW!
The audience seems to actually accept this. It was a fantastic match, that's for sure. Pepe and Stealth Bomber shake hands. Pepe exits the ring, with El Presidente, who is not unhappy. I think he'll accept a draw too. A surprising move on the part of El Presidente...I could have sworn he'd pull off some tactic because El Spheros is involved in a feud with Cube! But it's not to be. Stealth Bomber leaving, when Colonel "Pops" Khorne appears on the Monstron!
Khorne: Stealth Bomber, you can respect me all you want, but the fact of the matter is, when you insult one of my unit, like Très Sheik, you insult me. I could care less if you're an American or not, or how patriotic you are, because come the Brawl, you'll know what it's like to feel the true wrath of Col. "Pops" Khorne. Do you have any idea what the Americans did while I was stuck in Da Nang with an iron mask bolted to my head? They left me for dead! And after single-handedly taking out their unit one by one, when I came back, did I receive any honours? Any respect? Any money? NO! I had to sell popcorn to make a living. And now I'm wrestling. Stealth Bomber, you have no clue what patriotism's about. When I slap the "Jiffyneckpop" on you at the B'BB, I'll walk out with the belt, and the respect I deserve. The Rogue's Gallery are the only friends I've got right now, and if you want that eight-man tag, you got it. We'll see who's made of stronger stuff. POP!
Boy, Khorne has really snapped. When he started, he was an innocent popcorn vendor. Now, who knows. Okay, time for a small break, and when we come back, DOOM will face Distruct for the STWF Championship belt.
The Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl is very close. If you haven't picked your weapons, DO IT NOW! AND I MEAN NOW! Don't forget to tell all your friends in other feds that they're invited. Also on the B'BB card:
Stealth Bomber vs. Colonel "Pops" Khorne for the ICCTINACBBIC belt;
The Circus Freaks vs. the Warrior Gods for the tag straps;
Mr. Rage vs. Bohemoth;
Cube vs. El Spheros;
and just signed, ThatGuy will take on the A$$whupper!
All this plus the UNBELIEVABLE Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl! At least 60 men will be participating, but hey, try and get MORE!
R.E.I. Productions presents, yet another Lester Leary album. Because there have been no death threats asking for him to stop, Lester Leary presents "HalleluJACK!" All your favourite Gospel hits, in lounge-style! The Vatican called it "blasphemous garbage. Anyone who buys this album should be excommunicated." Jaymz Bee and Tim Tamashiro called it "an insult to lounge music as we know it." Rimshot called it "a masterpiece! One of the top ten albums of the year!" Features:
How Great Thou Art
Lift High the Cross
And many more! That's "HalleluJACK!" Buy it today!
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Both men are in the ring now, Kandi is outside the ring as always.
Boy, after that last match, this is going to be hard to top, even though it is for the Heavyweight belt. Both men lock up. DOOM executes a sleeperhold off the bat. Distruct manages to get out quickly enough. Distruct with a chop to DOOM, then a short clothesline by Distruct. It's a little hard to see him without Dr. Death, and with this new look. Let's hope his re-tooling pays off. Distruct trying to wear DOOM down with a Boston Crab. DOOM takes a step towards the ropes...Distruct pulls back a bit more. DOOM takes another step, and another...Distruct straining with all his might...DOOM grabs the ropes. Distruct tries an enzuigiri and misses. DOOM whips Distruct against the ropes, and tries a dropkick but Distruct held onto the ropes. Distruct with an elbowdrop. The cover: 1...2...no. DOOM with a powerslam on Distruct now...the rattling of Distruct's beads can be heard from here! The cover:1...2...no. DOOM whips Distruct into the ropes and this time lands a spinning heel kick. DOOM climbs up top for a big splash: Distruct raises the knees. Distruct with a guillotine drop. The cover: 1...2...shoulder up. Distruct this time whips DOOM into the ropes...but not without having him bump into the ref first. Brawl ensuing between the two big men, while the ref is out. Honestly, wrestling wasn't like this when I started sixty-five years ago. Sure we may have sheared each others' ears off... but at least refs were stronger back then. These refs can barely take a good sock to the abdomen! But anyways. DOOM with an axe-kick on Distruct. DOOM follows up with three legdrops in a row. The count: 1...2...no. Distruct now with a flying shoulderblock. The cover: 1...2...kickout, and a rather weak cover I might add. DOOM with a piledriver! This could be over...1...2...shoulder up? Okay... DOOM seems mad now. Frustrated may be a better word. Distruct has taken quite a bit, but given out some as well. DOOM with a cobra clutch. Distruct, is he submitting? I can't see from this vantage point. The ref calls for the bell, so I suppose that might be it!
Here is your winner, and STIIIIIIIILL the STWF Heavyweight Champion, DOOM! (cheers)
Not a bad match, not bad at all. I was glad to be a part of tonight's episode, alone, without the annoying banter of Jamal, or Angus pointing out the obvious and complaining of my references. Unfortunately, Jamal of course goes alone next week. A treat for some, but not for me. Next week, we just might see that eight-man tag team match between the Rogue's Gallery and Sir O's boys, plus the mystery partner. I'd like to invite you to join Jamal then. I just hope you can understand him. Until next week, I'm Captain Twilight, and I might as well say, because it's tradition now, keep your pants off.
(c) 1997 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre