(Interior Pan of the Cowpie Palace. Most of the crowd is holding their
noses and whiffing their hands in front of their faces. The two pyro guys are
in the middle of the ring, arguing about who's their favorite. One says
the Bald guy, the other says the guy with the long hair and the earbiter.
They start to fight in the middle of the ring, and Girl Friday cheers them
Well it seems like we aren't going to have any fireworks tonight....(pauses as several security personnel head towards the ring)....but nonetheless we have got a heck of a card lined up for you tonight.
Just a minute Vince, I've got some things to get off my chest. First of all the Pencil Necked Geek. Yeah I know you're back there in the room, waiting for your match. In case you are stupid, and I know you are, just let me tell you who I am. I am Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando, and I eat guys like you for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I will be sitting here at ringside during your match, and if your 115 pounds of bones are still together after being pounded by a jobber, I might let you take back your challange with a laugh and hearty slap on the back. If not, then get ready for the beating of your life.
Some might say that you are backing down from the challenge, Gary.
Shut up Vince, you know that I'd rather eat than fight, normally I'd job, but not to a 115 pound geek. If I fight him I might actually have to try to win, not that it will be hard, but I sweat going down stairs, never mind climbing way up into that damn ring.
Some tough words from the Glutton. Anyway, onto the evening's festivities. First up tonight we have the Executioner as he defends his belt against DOOM. Next Sugarplum Harry fights Wrestler Smurf in a battle of the weirdo's, then Gary's favorite....
GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE
The Pencil Necked Geek will fight Joe the Jamaican Jobber Forbes. Finally The Bad Asses will take on the Circus Freaks.
Those two teams hate each other with a passion, that is sure to be a blood and guts match.
Introducing first, from Jackson, Tennessee, accompanied by Kandi, DOOM. (Bleak December by the Counting Crows Booms out of the speakers. Fairly large crowd pop for DOOM).
And now, hailing from Murder City Michigan.....Ooops I mean Motor City, Like all right Detroit, Michigan, and weighing in at 335 pounds, he is the STWF Heavyweight Champion of the world....THE EXECUTIONER. (Black Dog by Led Zepplin plays, major crowd pop for this guy, the crowd was not expecting the title bout to happen first.)
Hey, Vince, why is the big belt up for grabs so early on, we are going to have people leaving, MAN.
What can I say, we're radicals here in the STWF. And here we go. Executioner with a kick to Doom's midsection, and with a neckbreaker, looks like a certain someone's STUNNER.
Executioner goes for the cover, not even a one count. Doom just laughs it off. Now the Executioner tries the Superkick, and Doom ducks out of the way. Executioner sails right across the ring and ends up hurting himself in the corner.
OK now that we have dispatched with that fake stuff, onto the real hardnosed stuff. Doom in there with a shoulder block on the Executioner. The bigger Executioner manages to absorb it, but with a grimace of actual pain this time. Executioner grabs up Doom in a Half-Nelson, but Doom gives the Executioner the slip with a standing switch. Atomic Drop by Doom.
Yeah thats real pain. Always go for the groin.
Doom with the crossbody chop. Whips the Executioner into the ropes, and Exec flies right into Doom's arms on the rebound. Doom with the Sidewalk Slam, hooks the leg and covers..where's the ref, get the lead out. 1..2.., Executioner kicks out. Shaking his head repeatedly. Looks like that bomb exploding and blowing him up and all must have affected his thinking.
What? Executioner think? He never does that in a match, he just goes out there with one thing in mind...Beat up IronMan, even if he isn't fighting Ironman.
That could be the problem here, Executioner had better think about defending that piece of gold around his waist that he almost died for though. Doom is one tough son of a B.
Executioner is waking up a little. Several forearms to Doom's face. A rake to the eyes, (not like that stupid rake to the abs that we saw on Monday). Executioner with the uppercut, and Doom goes down with a crash. What's this, he's going upstairs?
Yes he's up, and brings down that huge leg onto Doom's chest, knocking the life out of him. This should be it, what, no, Executioner pulls Doom up by the hair, he's not taking the cover! I don't believe it. Kandi is yelling encouragement from the far side, for once we have a living manager at ringside. Executioner has got Doom between his legs. It looks like he's getting ready to deliver The Death Sentence on Doom. Oh look, tremendous strength by Doom, he just stood up.
Executioner is wondering what the hell just happened. I hear he's afraid of heights, but then again judging from his earlier trip up high, that could be one of those dumb rumors you've got circulating around out there. Anyway, Executioner isn't up high no, because Doom just dropped him on his head, Outside the Ring!!
Wow great call Gary. This has gone a little out of control. Doom is wailing away on the Executioner, smashing his head onto those steps of ours. He throws the big man into the ringpost, and then rolls him back in. Doom is back in now, and he is setting up for the Doomplex. Looks like we are going to see a new champion.
It looks like Executioner is out of it, but wait... isn't that Ironman standing over there by the belt, laughing at the Executioner? I could be mistaken, but I think he just said something about Pittsburgh.
Executioner just looked up, he saw Ironman. Oh wow, did you see that? Its too late for the Executioner, Doomplex!! Just an incredible move. Doom covers. 1..2.. Oh the Executioner kicks out. He just turns his head at Ironman and stares at him. Ironman waves and he takes off with the belt. The Executioner now takes off after him.
Ironman just stole the belt, I don't believe it! Now the Executioner has to forget about it and go on with the match, but where did he go?
I don't know but he's got about 3 seconds to get back. 2...1..0. Doom with his arms raised high in the air. He has defeated The Executioner for the......oh yeah, belts don't change hands if there is a count out. Looks like the ref just informed Doom that he's not the champ, and for his efforts the hardworking ref gets a smack in the mouth. Doom takes Kandi by the hand and leaves the ring.
The winner of this match, as a result of a count-out..DOOM.
I hear there is a ruckus downstairs. Supposedly The Executioner ran into the Pencil Necked Geek while he was chasing Ironman, and he literally picked up PNG and broke him in two. Ha looks like I don't have to fight at SuperCard.
We'll see about that. Up next we have Wrestler Smurf as he will take on Sugarplum Harry.
The blue man vs the guy in the pink tutu, this should be a funny one.
Introducing first, weighing in at 325 pounds, and hailing from Smurf Village, he is the biggest Smurf in the world...Wrestler Smurf! (A man shuffles down the aisle, half weeping and half laughing. He is all painted blue and dressed in his Smurf outfit, and in one hand he holds his "manager", Smurfette).
And now, he is a member of Apocalypse. Weighing 385 pounds, from Toadstool, Arizona... Sugarplum Harry! (Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies plays on the tuba. Harry comes in at the head of the pair of golems, and he is throwing pixie dust into the crowd. Several people complain that the dust is getting in their eyes, but Harry just laughs.)
I think the crowd is a little overwhelmed by these two. Nobody ever knows what Sugarplum Harry is thinking, and just look at Wrestler Smurf, he's liable to go completely crazy at any moment. And here we go, while Harry was busy shaking his blubbery butt, Smurf took advantage, and smacked him across the face with that loaded manager of his. Sugarplum Harry is out already, and the golems close in on him. Wrestler Smurf should go for the cover, but he is too busy listening to Smurfette "talk" to him. Smurf finally places Smurfette in his corner and goes over to the golems and kicks them out of the way. By this time Sugarplum Harry is up, and after a couple of shakes he gets up and is ready to fight.
The battle between the golems and Smurfette is heating up. Looks like they are trying to take her away, but she is resisting somehow. These inanimate objects sure do have a lot of life here in the STWF.
The Pixie King has taken advantage. He hiptosses Wrestler Smurf down to the mat, and has put the chokehold on him. He laughs as he does so, and the ref warns him off. After a couple of seconds, Harry lets go, and now he is trying to get Wrestler Smurf up into the piledriver. But he can't do it, and Wrestler Smurf stands up, Backbody drop. Harry lands with a plop, but he's got a hold of Wrestler Smurf's legs. Trying to get him over, and yes, rollup, and the ref counts. 1..2.., kickout by the Smurf. Both men are up.
Looks like Wrestler Smurf is unhappy with himself. He is still crying and it sounds like he is telling Smurfette that he is sorry for doing so bad so far in this match. Now he is listening to the doll.
What's this, Wrestler Smurf goes right after Harry, who is consulting with his golems. Smurf grabs him by the head and spinning Neckbreaker. He has now got an arm wrapped around Harry's throat and is moving in behind him.
Oh, I don't think I want to look at this, its just a little too gross.
Nope, its the LALALALALALALALLALA. The cross-face chicken wing is applied, and Sugarplum Harry is screaming to be released. The ref tries to tell Wrestler Smurf that he has won, but the Smurf probably thinks he's back in Smurf Village. It takes all of the golems' strength to pry Wrestler Smurf off Sugarplum Harry.
The winner of this match by Submission...Wrestler Smurf.
Sugarplum Harry is as shaken up as I have ever seen him. The golems are carrying him out, Harry's blubber is still shaking after being in the LALALALALALA for so long.
Hey Vince, I hear we've got a hell of a lot of trouble in the back rooms. Executioner still hasn't found his belt, and here is what happened when we were watching the last match.
(Executioner is running around the halls, and he comes to a door. He kicks in the door and finds OddJobber having a nap. He picks up OddJobber by the scruff of his neck and throws him against the wall.)
Executioner: Where the <-BLEEP-> is my belt, Ironman took it. Have you seen him.
OddJobber: Oi, I don't know what you're talking about. What day is this?
The Executioner kicks Oddjobber three times in the face, and takes off. OddJobber is really angry, shaking his fist and promising revenge.
So what do you think of that Vince?
Well Executioner should just calm down a bit, after all, Ironman could only be so many places in this small arena. Now we have the Pencil Necked Geek as he takes on Joe the Jamaican Jobber Forbes.
Looks like the Jobber is going to get a big forfeit win, because there is no way in hell that Pencil Necked Geek is going to come down here after the beating he took.
Currently standing in the ring, Joe "the Jamaican Jobber" Forbes. ("Take this job and punk it" by Johnny Paycheck plays over the speakers. Joe looks extremely happy, since there is a good chance that he might get one of his rare wins here. He begins to slap his back with his hand repeatedly).
And now, from Computers Unknown?, weighing in at a huge 115 pounds The Pencil Necked Geek. (The Beer Barrel Polka plays, but there is no sign of the Pencil Necked Geek).
PNG has got about 30 seconds before he loses by forfeit. Time passes. What the.....PNG just came out of the crowd, that fat kid beside him probably weighs a hundred pounds more than him, he shoves the kid out of the way. Oh my gosh, he's got a rope wrapped around Gary's neck, he's choking the life out of him!!!!!
SPUTTER, GONNA GET YOUuu*cough*
Gary just reached back and wrapped his huge hand around PNG's tiny head. He just tossed him, one handed all the way up into the ring, where PNG knocks Forbes sprawling.
Sneaky little <-BLEEP->er. Why, if I could get out of this tiny chair you've got me in, I'd get up and give that little coward the punking the deserves.
Despite the beating that PNG took at the hand of the Executioner, he is still able to take it to Jobber Forbes. PNG throws Forbes into the ropes. Forbes helps him by running into the ropes, rebounding and PNG with the clothes line. Ooops, at least he tried, the force of the clothesline just knocked PNG completely around, where Forbes gets him into a bearhug.
Yeah beat him up good Forbes, then I'll go up and finish the job. Forbes just tossed PNG out of the ring, and now he's going out to get him. What's this, PNG just grabbed a chair, but Forbes can't see him because he's busy trying to execute what looks like a really bad sunset flip, and yes he just landed head first on the chair. Oh man, this guy is terrible.
I think that Forbes is putting on a heck of a show. PNG just rolled him in the ring, and that's a great display of strength for the 115 pounder. Both men are now in the ring, PNG with a technical kick to the head, and now he drops a big bionic elbow onto Forbes' head. It looks like we are going to see the Sharpened Pencil.
We'll see about that.
There goes the Glutton. He doesn't move very fast, except when he sees food, or if he's mad. He grabs up the ring bell, and just as PNG is getting ready to deliver the Sharpened Pencil, the Glutton hits him in the head with the bell. PNG is out like a light. The ref calls for the Bell, but since it's in the ring, I guess the timekeeper can't ring it. Both the Glutton and Forbes are beating the you know what out of PNG. Tremendous splash by the Glutton. He's sweating like a pig, and now I have to sit with him for another match, oh great.
The winner of this match, as a result of a disqualification...The Pencil Necked Geek!
Whaaaat?! Jobber Forbes won that fair and square.
Yup, he's back folks, twice as stinky as ever. Who are you kidding Glutton, we all saw what you did.
Well uhh...yeah. I looked pretty good out there. I think I just might put my name in for the lightweight belt.
Yeah, whatever. Up next we have these messages, and then onto the Circus Freaks and the Bad<-BLEEP->es.
Supercard is coming. Make those challenges now. If you don't have a sanctioned match, then get one, or we'll stick you with somebody. If you don't know what the heck is going on THEN YOU'D BETTER CALL SOMEBODY.
HEY KIDS HA HA HA. We've got some brand new wrestling transformers. They start out as your favorite wrestler, and then turn into something else. All your favorites are here...in transformer form. See: The Circus Freaks turn into giant robots...wow, original. See: Gary the Glutton Gourmando turn into a big fat whale...without moving any parts. See: ThatGuy turn into Mankind...before your very eyes. Plus many more. Order yours today.
ThatGuy might not like being compared to Mankind. Oh well. Here we go for our last big match on Friday Friday Friday. What's your prediction on this one Gar.
Who cares? We've got more trouble in the back it seems that Executioner just cornered the Red Snapper. He threatened to cut off the Snapper's head with his own claw if he didn't tell him where Ironman went. The Snapper snapped and attacked the Executioner. That was a short fight because the Executioner rolled the Snapper into a ball and tossed him through a plate glass window. Stay tuned folks, the chase continues.
Hmmm well here we go.
Introducing first, from Oakland, California, at a combined weight of 470 pounds, Mark and Chris, The BadAsses. (TNT by AC/DC plays, the two walk out smiling brightly, just like this was going to be a walk in the park.)
And now from your local freak show, weighing in at a combined 561 pounds, members of the Asylum Alliance, Dizzy Desi and Sasquatch the Circus Freaks. (the ominous big top calliope plays, and the two walk out, Sasquatch growling as usual, and Dizzy Desi whacking himself on the head with his hammer, also as usual.)
And here we go. Sasquatch is going to start for the Circus Freaks, and well..
For all their talk, both Mark and Chris are afraid to get in the ring with that monster. They are arguing over who goes in first. Whats that, Rock Paper Scissors? Chris loses, and they want two out of three. Sasquatch gets pissed at waiting and comes over and knocks the two of them together, he drags in Chris so I guess that's who starts off.
Chris with a punch to Sasquatch's midsection, he comes away with a handful of hair. He whipes his hand on his trunks in disgust, and dropkicks Sasquatch in the chest. Now he's laughing and saying how Sasquatch is not so tough. Chris tags in Mark, and Mark is taking his time, making fun of the fallen Sasquatch. He goes to kick Sasquatch in the head, but no, the bigfoot traps his leg. Mark goes down with a crash, and now Sasquatch is up, sitting on Mark's chest and hitting him repeatedly in the face. Sasquatch gets up, takes Mark with him over to Desi. The Dizzy one wipes pus from his headwounds into Mark's face, and this seems to wake Mark up. He screams in revulsion and rakes the eyes of both Sasquatch and Dizzy Desi with one blow. Mark runs back to his corner and tags in Chris while Sasquatch tags in Desi.
Looks like the BadAsses are a little overmatched on this one. Then again, it looks like they are making a comeback on Dizzy. Chris repeatedly hitting his opponent's sore head, and now he's got him up in a vertical suplex, and Desi crashes all the way down to the mat. Ref counts 1..,2.., kickout, that was really close.
Who's that coming down to ringside? It's Milwaukee's Best, and it looks like they are on a little scouting mission. I hope they don't interfere.
What, these innocent guys? They'd never do a thing like that. Man that Beast is even bigger than Sasquatch, when these guys tangle at Supercard it should be something.
The Bad<-BLEEP->ses are continuing to control this match. Chris with a springboard off the top rope, with the assist to Mark, and he crashes right into the stumbling Desi. Chris is signaling for the Bad Asscutter, and he hits it!! Dizzy-D is laid out. Ref counts 1..2..Oh I don't believe it Dizzy Desi kicks out!
I guess all that getting hit on the head has given him a superhard head, he can't be put out the same way that normal people can. Oh oh, the Badasses just invited Milwaukee's Best into the ring, and let the punking begin!!
Oh this is terrible. Sasquatch tries to get in to help his partner, but he is met by the massive Beast. These two giants begin to exchange blows, but now Beast Light comes in and Sasquatch is overwhelmed.
Here come the Forces of Justice. I guess they want to bring some law and religion to the ring. Oh Lord, can't we all just get along, that's probably what Preacher will be saying.
Nope, looks like he just hit Mark in the head with his steel-covered Bible. Mark goes down and is lying by Dizzy Desi, he's not going to be happy when he wakes up, because those secretions of Desi's are getting all over him. Oh and guess what everybody, yup another tag team. It's the Inevitables GST and HoD, they want some blood too and they hook it up with the Forces of Justice.
Oh man, Sasquatch and Beast are still going at it. Judge pulled Beast Light away some time ago, and those two monsters continue to exchange blows. Beast is laughing, he loves this, it's just another Saturday night to him, even if it IS Friday. Sasquatch is faltering a bit, he just went through a brutal match and now has to deal with this unexpected rumble.
Who's this now...one guy?
Hey, that's Anarchy. He's grinning ear to ear, what could he be so happy about. He is nodding his head up and down, if I didn't know better, I'd say he'd planned this whole thing.
Hate to interrupt, Vince, but I've got an update on the Ironman-Executioner situation. It seems that Executioner finally caught up to Ironman down in the bowels of the Cowpie Palace. They had a brief tussle over the belt, and get this...Executioner gave the Death Sentence to the Ironman right into a pile of cow <-BLEEP->. Lucky there isn't any milk in that stuff or Ironman would be in real trouble. Anyway Executioner got his belt back and now all is well.
Well folks, the fight continues in the ring, but we are out of time. Remember to join us for Nae Trous on Monday, and right here in the Cowpie Palace next Friday, when we will have another Friday Friday Friday. Because one Friday IS never enough. TGIF.
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre