(Interior of the STWF's brand new Cowpie Palace. There's two guys in
the ring, running around like chickens with their heads cut off. There
are no fireworks in the ring tonight. Girl Friday is in the ring, all
dressed up in chains and wearing heavy makeup, screaming obscenities at
Here we are again for another great Friday night. We've got quite a card lined up for you tonight, kids. First up will be Johnny "Irish" Berkowski as he takes on BILL. Later it will be The Bad A$$es vs. Paranoia. Then Gruff will fight El Spheros and finally Michael Wackson will introduce Tortilla Tito to the craziness that is the STWF.
Here comes Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando, loaded down with food as always.
Hey, Vince. Want some ice cream?
The name is Angus McMadden, I'm only Vince to my friends, and don't you forget it, Glutton. Whatever you do, don't spill any of that crap.
Geez, you're in a bad mood.
Currently in the ring, weighing in at 244lbs, and hailing from Springfield, Illinois, BILL! (1812 Overture briefly plays)
And now from Boston, Mass. 313 pounds of Polish-Irish-American muscle, accompanied by his manager, Chubby the Polish Leprechaun, Johnny "Irish" Berkowski!
Chubby just asked some chick if she wanted to look for his pot of gold, and she slapped him.
Intolerable behavior from Chubby, he will just have to keep his comments about the ladies to himself.
Johnny is in there with a Polish-Irish whip, and the huge BILL comes bounding off the ropes, Johnny with a Polish clothesline.
Whew, its only from one place, that's a relief.
Johnny just dropped a big Polish elbow on top of BILL's head, and BILL is bleeding, oh no!
I don't know why they let this guy wrestle so much, he is almost as slow as I am, but at least I know what to do in the ring.
But wait, BILL is making a comeback. He's up and running, and a huge hiptoss on Johnny. Johnny is back up, only to succumb to a side headlock by BILL. BILL is about to squeeze Johnny's Irish-Polish-American head off. Johnny is standing up. BILL falls back behind Johnny, and lands on his feet. BILL with a huge dropkick to Johnny's back, and he falls flat on his face. BILL with a dropkick on Johnny's head, and he goes for the pin.
You've got to turn him over to have it count, stupid BILL.
Just give him time, there we go. 1.., oh Johnny kicks out. This doesn't look good. BILL with his hands up in a "don't hurt me" posture, but Johnny doesn't pay attention, he hits him with a Polish-Irish Spinwheel Kick. BILL is lying motionless on the mat.
Johnny is going up to the top turnbuckle. He is going to drive BILL's body right into the mat. Here we go. A huge Somersault Splash. Great air on that one for a big fellow like Berkowski. Johnny with the lateral press, hooks the leg, 1...2..., BILL kicks out, I don't believe it.
BILL is showing tremendous intestinal fortitude here tonight, we are finally seeing the real BILL after so many months of disappointment. BILL is up, a RUSSIAN legsweep on Johnny, and he's down. BILL is back up. BILL is really hamming it up for the crowd, flexing his muscles, and urging on the crowd to cheer.
Looks like the crowd is not buying into it, there's a few guys cheering, but looks like the loudest one is you, Vince.
Might we see the BILLplex? BILL is waiting, Johnny is up, and BILL looks Johnny right in the eye, but what's that behind BILL?
Hey, its StreetMime. He just came up from underneath the ring, who knows how long he's been crawling around under there, I was here eating ever since they set up the ring this morning. The Mime is pointing an imaginary bat at BILL. Johnny takes advantage, he grabs BILL around the legs and pulls him off his feet. Roll-up, 1..2..3. Ha! BILL loses again.
That is the most blatant interference I have ever seen. Something will have to be done about this.
Here is your winner, Johnny "Irish" Berkowski!
Chubby is just dancing for joy, doing a little jig like, ya gotta admit, these two are a hilarious pair.
Well all I've got to say is that was a great match, up next we have the Bad A$$es as they take on Paranoia.
This Tag Team bout is scheduled for one fall. Now entering the Bad <-BLEEP->ses, Mark and Chris. And now entering the arena, making his first appearance as a member of Paranoia, weighing 285 pounds, Stealth Bomber, and just behind him is the master of the cage match 275 pounds of Dr. Snare.(Hole in the Soul by Aerosmith plays).
This is going to be good. I just hope that Stealth Bomber doesn't aggravate his injury. I got some cash on him to regain his title in the tourney.
Stealth Bomber and Chris start things off. Chris immediately puts the Bomber into an armbar, he twists it around and starts to work on the Bomber's injured back.
Chris really knows what he's doing, go for the most vulnerable part and work it over. They want to end this quick, and send a message to the rest of the tag teams in this fed. Like the Indestructibles maybe.
Chris tags to Mark and Mark springboards off the rope, crashing into the helpless Bomber who was still being held by Chris. The ref is being distracted by Dr. Snare who is upset that the Bomber is being pummeled by the Bad <-BLEEP->ses. The ref finally spots it and brings some order back to the match. Mark is really taking control of this one. He picks up the Bomber and delivers a huge Atomic Drop. While the Stealth Bomber writhes in pain, Mark takes advantage and gets him into a vertical suplex. Cover 1..2... kickout. Stealth Bomber rolls over to Dr. Snare and makes the tag.
Boy, the Bomber really took a beating in there. He had better put up some more offense in the semi's of the tourney, or I am out a lot of money.
Once again I'd like to remind our viewers that Gary Gourmando's comments are his and that the STWF does not condone gambling. Back to the match. Dr. Snare is putting up some offense for Paranoia. Mark has just left the ring to regroup. Snare is up on the top rope. He's coming down, Mark just saw him in time and simply got out of the way. Snare just crashed his jaw into the metal barrier. Mark picks him up into a fireman's carry and tosses Snare into the ring. Snare is out like a light. Stealth Bomber tries to run some interference but Chris intercepts him and starts beating on the Bomber once again. Mark with the cover. 1..2..3. Whoo, this was a quickie.
Here are your winners the Bad <-BLEEP->es.
And now this word from our sponsor.
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Ahem. Next up is Gruff and El Spheros, a clash of the titans as it were.
Yep, El Spheros is my kind of wrestler, he's in very good shape, nice and round, kind of like Girl Friday.
Now rolling down to the ring, accompanied by El Presidente and the rest of Mexico Unlimited, EL SPHEROS!
(Khachaturian's "Sabre Dance" plays. A massive ball of humanity rolls down the entranceway and up a ramp into the ring, landing on two feet.) And now weighing in at 450 pounds, accompanied by the Entertainment Industry, Gruff!
Oh I don't like the looks of this one, things might get out of hand with all those big egos down at ringside.
Gruff and El Spheros are in a stare down. They lock up. The two huge men are exchanging blows. Closed fists, but hey that's legal here. Gruff with a kick to El Spheros' midsection. Gruff with the neckbreaker on El Spheros. Gruff with the cover. 1..2.., Kickout. El Spheros looks shaken up.
Ever since he lost the big belt El Spheros hasn't looked the same.
The two men are back on their feet, again exchanging blow for blow. This is turning into a brawl. El Spheros with the hiptoss on Gruff, and Gruff hits the mat with a massive ball of meat coming down on top of his chest. Lateral Press, 1..2.., kickout by Gruff. Gruff is in behind El Spheros now. Drop toehold, and El Spheros is screaming in pain. The ref is being distracted by Los Mexicos Nondescriptos and the Vegas Connection who are brawling on the outside. I knew we shouldn't have sanctioned these groups to be down here at ringside together. Where's the Right Hand Man when you need him? El Spheros is still in the ring, but he is frantically tapping out. Pepe jumps in, and dropkicks Gruff in the head from the top rope. Pepe just as quickly is back out again, and El Spheros is back up while Gruff rolls around holding his head in pain.
Oh man, stuff is happening all over. The battle continues on the ouside, while El Spheros is stumbling around in the ring, limping severely. El Spheros comes out of the pain haze just in time to see Gruff struggling to his feet. He goes over and grabs him. Running bulldog right into the ropes, over by Mexico Unlimited. All the members now taking shots at Gruff. Pepe gets swept aside by Gruff's massive paw, but there's just too many Mexicans out there. The Entertainment Industry comes around, but the damage has already been done.
El Spheros has brought Gruff up to his feet, Vertical Suplex. El Spheros with a running Splash, and...he misses it. Gruff just rolled out of the way, just in time to avoid being squashed flat.
Where the heck is that damn goat? I figured he'd be down to protect Gruff by now.
I think that's what's bothering Gruff, he came down here looking frazzled, and he just hasn't been on the ball at all. El Spheros is coming after Gruff again. Tries the belly to belly Suplex, but he can't get Gruff up. Gruff reverses it, this time its El Spheros getting crushed under Gruff's tremendous weight. Gruff is making a symbol to the crowd, looks like horns on the side of his head. While El Spheros continues to lie there exhausted, Gruff goes up to the top rope of his friendly corner. Mexico Unlimited is trying to get into the ring but the Entertainment Industry has them tied up. Gruff reaches for the ceiling, almost touches it, and The Billy Goat Moonsault! 1...2...3.
Gruff wins, but where the heck is that goat?
Here is your winner, GRUFF! That was a great one. Up next is Tortilla Tito and Michael Wackson.
Introducing first from Guadalajara, Mexico, Tortilla Tito! (Tito comes out wearing a mask with taco on the front of it, he has spandex wrestling tights on that leave little to the imagination. The Mexican Flag in painted on the behind on the tights. He is also wearing a nacho hat, which he is snacking from.) And he is accompanied by Salsa. And now, the King of Pop, weighing 230 pounds, accompained by Anarchy, Michael Wackson of Apocalypse. (Wackson's version of Bad plays. This cat is all dressed in black, looks like he's going to a funeral or something.)
Hey, that nacho hat looks good. Anyway, the latest rumour in the back is that Gruff has torn apart the dressing room looking for his goat. What has happened to the goat? It's all on my new STWF Hotline.
Oh shut up about the goat, let me call the match. Michael Wackson and Tortilla Tito circling in the ring. Tito offers his hand to shake, and Michael Wackson does so. Honour amongst wrestlers, say it ain't so. They lock up. Tito in behind with a sleeper, which Wackson shakes off. Wackson elbows Tito in the ribs, and grabs Tito's free arm into an arm bar. He runs it into the corner, and Anarchy reaches up and slaps Tito in the chops.
That's more like it, interference! I love it.
Wackson with a German Suplex, with a very high bridge. Ref counts, 1...2..., oh he almost had Tito already. Tito had better get his head in the match or he's gonna lose another one.
Jeez these Mexicans stink, its getting so bad in here that I'm gonna puke.
Gary, that's very insulting, besides, what you're smelling is the unique aroma of the Cowpie Palace. Tito is waking up. Double axehandle to Wackson's back, and the King of Pop is in severe pain. Tortilla Tito grabs Wackson, turns him around and Reverse Atomic Drop. Wackson's really gonna hit those high notes now.
Hey! That's my line.
Tito with a Shoulder Block off the ropes, and Wackson is down. Cover 1..2..Wackson rolls Tito up, small package. 1..2..Kick out.
Oh, that was close, finally some speed, after that BILL match, I thought I was in a coma!
Wackson has slipped outside to confer with Anarchy, what could they be talking about? Tito is not waiting to find out, he Sunset flips onto both Anarchy and Wackson, then gets up and back into the ring before they know what is happening.
This Luchador is running circles around half of Apocalypse. Wackson had better get his <-BLEEP-> together.
Wackson is back in the ring, the ref got to eight before he decided he had better move, and Tito kicks him in the head as soon as Wackson offers it up for kicking. Tito with a chinlock on Wackson, trying to hold on while Wackson repeatedly rams his elbow into Tito's gut. Tito's got the Dragon Sleeperhold on. Arm lifted up, falls. Again, falls, again, falls...no, Wackson still has some life in him yet. The hold is broken, and he whips Tito in to the ropes. Huge Lariat on Tito, and he goes down like a sack of potatoes.
Hey, it's Dan Quayle.
Huh? Whatever, Gary. Wackson with a big legdrop on the motionless Tito. Wackson is going up. Tito is still motionless and...no! Wackson misses with the Split Leg Moonsault. Tito is back up, waiting on Wackson to get up, and he tosses him into the corner so hard that Wackson is head over heels. Tito is in there pounding on Wackson, and he's got him sitting on the top rope. Frankensteiner by Tito, and Michael Wackson is done. Ohh Tito is going back up to the top, what's he doing, trying to prove he can jump higher than Wackson? I don't know but here comes Anarchy. He comes up behind Tito and pushes him off. Ouch! Tito just landed head-first into the mat. Neck injury for sure.
Michael Wackson is just alive enough to throw an arm over Tito, who conveniently landed on his back. 1..2..3.
Here is your winner, Michael Wackson!
Wackson hears that and all the pain is gone. He's so happy that he's showing off for the crowd. Doing the moonwalk and all that other crazy stuff he does. Salsa is tending to Tortilla Tito, and ...he's okay, folks!
Oh no, here comes the Goat, he's got a big tax form wrapped around his head, so that's what happened to him. Billy's coming over here after my food. Oh, get out of here, you stupid goat.
Gruff is sure to be happy about that. For Gary "The Glutton" Gourmando, and of course me, Angus "Vince" McMadden, goodnight everybody. Join us for the next Friday Friday Friday, next Friday, because ONE Friday is never enough.
(c) 1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre