Friday Friday Friday#31: Everything Old Is New Again
Hi everybody. Here we are in Anytown, USA, half filling our town
famous arena. I have to do all the commentating tonight, due to the
unfortunate "diaper rash" problem that Cap is suffering from. So
tonight we have the tri....Oh God No.
BRRRAAAAPPP! Oh yes. I'm back and full of food,
and ready to cram in some more. So how's it going Vinny?
Not too good, now. Anyway, with me here tonight is the gigantic
Glutton, fresh from a bender from the smell of it. Anyway as I was
saying, tonight we have the triumphant return of ThatGuy, as he looks
to remove some fingers from Viet Kong. Also we have Luke Warm as he
takes on Rich the Gay bartender..and then...
Don't bend over Luke Warm, I hear that Rich
likes young bald-headed guys.
AND THEN then Chosen Ones will battle the Ambulance Jockeys, and to
top it all off, "Roughrider" Bill Murtough will try to bounce back
against Plemmy the Demonic Clown. Tonight I think we'll do something really
original and start off the proceedings with an exciting tag team match
up.
I'll be back in a minute, I'm just going to
waddle over to get myself a couple of beers, want anything?
Nope, take your time.
Now entering the arena, weighing in at a
combined 475 pounds, Garry "the Gurney" Greene, and Barry "the
Backboard" Brown, they are the Ambulance Jockeys! (they enter to their theme.)
("the Dreidel Song" begins to play) And now, what you've all been
waiting for, at a combined weight of only 228 pounds, accompanied to
the ring by Grampa, Irving Goldstein and Jeffrey Steingold, the Chosen Ones.
Oh yeah, they are also holders of that highly contested Mighty Bastard
Psycho Driver championship belts. Pfff.
So away we go. Irving and Garry start off. Irving wants the test-o'-
strength right off the bat. They lock up, Irving sent right down to
the mat in a second. Garry lets go, and gives Irving a
double-axehandle right on the melon. Irving crumples like an old
blanket.
Old being the key word in this case. Garry
makes the tag to Barry, looks like Barry wants a chunk of meat from
Irving.
I see you're back with a six-pack and a giant doughnut, just don't get
anything on the controls will you? Anyway, Barry drags Irving to his
feet, and drops him again with a left-handed lariat. Oh, cheap tactics
by Irving, he just reached up and grabbed a certain something in
Barry's pants, now Barry's rolling around on the mat while Irving tags
in Jeffrey Steingold.
Nice intro for these Ambulance Guys, but if he's
too hurt, that nice little nurse at ringside will help that area I'm
sure.
There goes our rating again.
You said it, Vince. TV-14 it is.
Jeffrey with a side-headlock on the
weakened Barry. Barry is standing up, and now takes Jeffrey for a
backwards run into the Ambulance Jockeys' turnbuckle. Jeffrey slumps
down, it looks like the old fellow is just about out. Nurse Heidi
grabs him by the throat. She's strangling the poor guy! Grampa gets
in there and tries to take out Heidi, but she just turns around and
slaps him silly, now Grampa goes down. That doesn't show any manners,
attacking a woman like that.
Uh-oh, big Mittens was in the back, he's
rumbling down to ringside, and it looks like he's not to happy about
this treatment of Grampa.
Mittens makes sure Grampa is OK, meanwhile in the ring, Barry is
getting the pin on Jeffrey. 1..2.., Oh here comes Mittens, he picks
up Barry by the hair, turns him around and choke-slams him in the
center of the ring. The ref is being distracted by Grampa, who is
faking a heart-attack....or is he?
Well, looks like the ref has turned around,
thanks to the screaming from Heidi, all he sees is Jeffrey lying on
top of Barry, while Mittens beats the crap out of Garry on the
outside. Ref shrugs and counts, 1...2...3.
Oh what an injustice, how could he not see Mittens in the ring, he was
right beside him for crying out loud. Oh well, these Ambulance
Jockeys suffer a defeat to the Old Boys.
Here are your winners, The Chosen Ones of the
Old Boys' Network.
Here comes the rest of the members of Club Med,
but they're a little late, because the Old Boys are out of there with
another cheap win. Now we are going to solve one of the big questions
of the night. How many fingers will Viet Kong lose tonight?
I have a feeling that after this, Kong will
finally be normal, and ThatGuy will be full of fingers. I'm hungry,
but not as hungry as ThatGuy looked when this match was
signed.
Now entering the ring, accompanied by the
wheelbarrow man, and BILL, representing the Asylum Alliance, weighing 266 1/2 lbs., ThatGuy.
(Big Pop from the crowd as ThatGuy jumps out of the wheelbarrow,
pointing to his disgusting yellow teeth with mysterious chunks in between them.)
Now, coming out of the back, with his diminutive manager Charlie, from
Hai Phong, Vietnam, weighing 345 pounds, its Viet Kong.
(Crowd scrambles to get a look at Kong's hands, sure enough, he's got
14 digits in total, Charlie's voice can be heard above all "SEEEE, I
tol youuu.")
ThatGuy and Kong circling, trying to fake each other out. ThatGuy
makes a chomping motion with his teeth, and Kong crackles his
knuckles.
Oh man, did you here that, it sounded like a
machine gun. ThatGuy rushes Kong, Kong just grabs him and tosses him
into the corner.
Kong in there with a huge elbow to ThatGuy's head. He rakes the
lunatic's eyes, and ThatGuy drops to his knees in agony. Kong
convinces ThatGuy to slowly rise to his feet, and then shows his power
by holding ThatGuy in a vertical suplex. ThatGuy is down with a crash.
Kong with the cover. 1..2.., kickout by ThatGuy.
ThatGuy looks a little slow here. He could be rusty,
or all those
fingers must have him confused. Which one should he bite off, big or
small, mutation, or regular, thumb or pinky. Which one goes down the
hatch?
ThatGuy should concentrate on staying alive. Kong is just tearing him
apart in there. Kong with a belly to belly suplex, now he's on top of
ThatGuy, repeatedly hitting him with those gigantic closed fists.
Ewww, blood is flowing from ThatGuy's nose. And you can expect plenty more of
this at Heart-Breaking Hell, only on PPV!
ThatGuy: Aaaack. You made me bleed my own blood, you're gonna pay for
that. YOU'RE NOT SAFE!
ThatGuy with a thumb to Kong's eye, he now grabs two handfuls of
Kong's chest hair and rips it out.
Yikes, I hate it when that happens.
ThatGuy now out of the ring. He grabs the Wheelbarrow at ringside and
tosses it in. Kong's crawling around, picking up his lost hair and he
gets hit right in the head by the Wheelbarrow. The massive gorilla
goes down in a heap. The ref is calling for the bell, but ThatGuy
doesn't seem to hear it. Or care.
ThatGuy is chomping down on Kong's left pinky,
well one of his pinkies on that hand. Blood is spurting, ThatGuy is
shaking his head back and for...and yes, that an arterial spurt.
ThatGuy swallows with a grin on his face.
Viet Kong is now strangling ThatGuy,
trying to get the finger back. Security officials are in, and they're wrenching these two apart.
I guess Viet Kong can only gloat about thirteen fingers now. But that's still impressive.
Where are those medics now? I think Viet Kong might want a Band-Aid.
The winner of this match as a result of a
disqualification....Viet Kong.
Well, while the cleaning guys wipe the blood off the mat, we'll go to a
nice message from our sponsors.
Yes, you've heard the warnings. Do not drink this, it may cause birth
defects, blindness, cancer, shortness of breath, loss of feeling to
all body parts, etc., etc, oh yeah, and slight loss of appetite. But
come on, the key word is may. If you don't suffer any side effects,
we'll give you a free case. What are we talking about? Well...
Marq's
Remember, Marq's has mites.
Well, that was pretty weird. Anyway here we go with another exciting
match up. The electricity is building in anticipation of this huge
match-up, get ready to blow the roof off of...
Oh put a sock in it. We've got another Texan,
and a gay guy fighting.
Now entering the ring, accompanied by Angel, Rich the Gay Bartender.
("Pretty in Pink" by the Psychadelic Furs plays. Stuff is thrown by the
crowd...and to think, just a few months ago these guys loved
Sunflower..go figure.)
(sound of stuff breaking is heard, and out runs Luke Warm with no
preamble at all, so call the match already.)
Luke Warm with a flurry of fists to Rich's head, the top one that is,
and now with repeated kicks to the head. Rich is lying prone on the
mat, how will he recover from such an onslaught?
By doing something like that. Ouch!
Owww, and he twists it too. Rich is back up, grinning a wide grin, I
think he said something pretty bad in there, because Luke looks about
ready to toss his cookies. Rich with the dropkick, Luke Warm back into
the far turnbuckle. Rich gets up on the top rope, circling those hips,
what is he gonna do next?
BRAAAAAP! Big smooch on Lukewarm's bald head,
and now Rich with the Frankinsteiner, Luke Warm lying in a heap across
the ring.
Rich is going up top, and 450... ohhh, he missed it that's got to hurt.
Luke Warm didn't move an inch, I guess there must be something wrong
with Rich's eyesight. Could this end in a double count-out? The ref is counting:
7...8...9..., and Lukewarm gets up, and wow a surge of energy.
Luke Warm straddles Rich's back and starts repeatedly punching him in
the back of the head. Why is the ref allowing this? Rich gets his knees under him, and...
And it looks like Luke is getting the hell away
from that particular position. Luke just standing there shaking his
head.
***bell rings.
Ladies and Gentlemen, this bout has been ruled
a time-limit draw. Yes, I know it was short, but I don't think you'd be too keen
on letting this match drag on.
Luke is out of that ring even faster than he ran in, I think he wants
to wash off whatever came off that bartender.
Yeah, he'd better hit the showers before Rich
gets back there, you never know what can happen if you drop the
soap.
OK I'll just leave that alone. So far, three matches. No clear cut
victories yet. So how do you think Roughrider is going to do in this
next one Glutton?
Well, that Cowboy looks like he's ready to tear the facepaint off that
so called demonic clown, but then again, Plemmy sure does have an
interesting personality, or is that personalities....so basically I
have no idea who is going to win.
Another amazing insight from the Glutton. Let's see what Announcer Lad
has to say.
Now for our FFFFFFFFFriday FFFFFFFFriday
FFFFFFFFriday MMMMMMain event. *Hack* *cough* Man, I need a smoke. Now
entering the ring area is Plemmy the Demonic Clown. And now
"Roughrider" Bill Murtough hits the ring, and hits Plemmy with a
massive fist.
That bastard Announcer Lad is doing play-by-play now? Oh, he'll get his alright.
Plemmy is taking a beating in there. Roughrider with a sidewalk slam.
Now he's taking the Clown into a power bomb. Plemmy is already out,
but the cowboy is signalling for the Texas Tornado. He grabs the
Demonic clown by the throat, takes him up spins him around, and it's
all over. 1...2...3! 1 minute, 15 seconds, not too long for a Main Event, but
better than some feds.
The winner of this Beating...Roughrider Bill
Murtough.
But wait! Murtough's not done! He snatches off that orange wig...he pulls out his handkerchief
and smears off Plemmy's facepaint.
Are we going to see who Plemmy really is? Is it the owner of that
haunted amusement park, like those kids and the dog say it is?
Doubtful. But wait! He's showing the world Plemmy's true identity! It's...it's...SuperWrestler?
Plemmy's arch-enemy? Im' confused.
Ever see them in the ring at the same time?
Well...no.
Ever even see them in the BUILDING at the same time?
Well...not exactly.
The prosecution rests. BRAAAAAP!
Wow...what a revelation. What the Ivory Tower intends to do about this, I don't know, but we'll find out soon.
Next week we've got more fun in the sun, and hopefully more blood will
be spilled as we get closer to Heart-Breaking Hell. So join us for Friday Friday Friday
next week, because one Friday is never enough.
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre