FFF #30 (No Subtitle Necessary)
(FFF opens with a bang as two men who look suspiciously like the
pyro guys dance around with sparklers. One is a three, and one is a
zero. Get it?)
Hello again, everybody, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden and
welcome to Friday FridayuhFriday? Alongside me, as always, is
the incontinent champion Captain Twilight.
Than - HEY!
We've got a decent card for you tonight, although not as good as
you would expect for a show whose number is divisible by 10.
Whatever you say, let's get to it, Vince.
OK, tonight we have for you the touted Murtough/Bohemoth vs.
Chemical Warfare tag match. We also have Dr. Snare vs. Dr.
Silaconne M. Plants in a "battle of the medics" match. Our main
event tonight will be Hank (19:50) going up against douja. But first
up, we've got Mittens vs. Sir Hungalot.
That should be interesting.
Uh, well put. Anyway, let's get to the action.
("Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" by Mozart, FYI,
plays. Out lumbers Mittens) Making his way to the ring at this time, fighting out
of Portland, Oregon, weighing in at 452 and one-half pounds, and
accompanied by Grampa . . . MITTENS!!!
I like the cut of Grampa's jib!
You'd better, if the rumours about your stables merging is true.
("Love Roller Coaster" by the Ohio Players plays.
walks out) And his opponent, fighting out of Paradise, Pennsylvania,
weighing in at 250 pounds, and accompanied by Candy Cantaloupes
. . . SIR HUNGALOT!!!
And here we go. Big Sir seems to be talking about his genitals,
but Mittens is not impressed.
Genitals? Good gracious!
Big right hand by Mittens. Whip to the ropes. Lariat. Pickup by
the head. Bodyslam. Pickup. Powerslam. Pickup. Gorilla press
This is getting silly.
That's okay. Hungalot with a kick to the gut. Off the ropes . . .
Hungalot looking to get control of the
match back here, Vince.
Right you are. Another kick to the gut. Rocker Dropper!
I think you mean Face Crusher.
Same move. Hungalot with an elbowdrop into a cover.
OneTwokickout by Mitten
Mittens on the attack now. Vicious chops to the chest. He's going
for the Glove!
You gotta love the glove! But seriously,
isn't it weird that such a prototypical power wrestler uses a very
technical submission move as his finisher?
Nope. I think it's weird that an adult movie star is receiving a move
that's also a nickname for a prophylactic device. He's got the glove
locked on tight. What's this? Candy is trying to distract Mittens.
Yes, but unfortunately, she's doing it by
reading Shakespeare, when she should be drawing attention to her
I guess we should put in the TV rating about
here...but we're not gonna.
Nothing you have ever said on this show has caused me to agree
more strongly. And . . . that's it. Hungalot taps out, and Mittens and
Grampa celebrate in the ring.
Hungalot looks angry with Candy.
He's probably upset that she held back when he was in the Glove.
Anyway, our next match should be interesting as Bill Murtough and
Big Van Bohemoth take on . . .
Big Van Bohemoth?
. . . As they take on Chemical Warfare.
Making their way to the ring at this time, with a
combined weight of 820 (!) pounds, here are Darth Bohemoth and Bill
You know, it's amazing that these to are tagging up, because just
a few short weeks ago . . .
(Clip is shown with the caption "last month." Bohemoth clocks
Roughrider with a chair right after the "Village People" incident.)
Jeez! Why would we show a clip that
directly contradicts a current storyline???
(The theme from "Charlie's Angels" by Vietallica
plays.) And their
opponents, from DMZ Camp 12, Hanoi, Vietnam, weighing a
combined 560 pounds, and accompanied by Charlie (deep breath)
here are Napalm and Agent Orange, CHEMICAL WARFARE!!!
The two teams eye each other. You could cut the tension with a
You could cut the cliches with a knife.
Anyway. Bohemoth and Agent Orange to start things off.
Bohemoth asking for the test of strength. Agent Orange agrees.
Yep. All Bohemoth here. Turns it into a hammerlock. Orange
screaming for mercy.
Agent Orange: Mercy!!! *hack*
He really should get that checked. Bohemoth flips the hold into a
I was wondering what the Meltdown was called before
and now I know. Needless to say, impressive work by the big
Bohemoth tags out to Murtough. Roughrider continues the
Orange needs to make a tag.
Piledriver by Murtough.
Napalm is trying to distract the ref.
The ref admonishing Napalm.
Watch out for Charlie!
OH! Charlie drills Murtough in the back of the head with a
In Vietnam they call those "Whoopin'
I stand corrected. Anyway, Orange is able to make a tag.
Murtough is up, but he's woozy. And
Bohemoth is pummeling Charlie!
Here comes Napalm. He's going for the Napalm Bomb right
(Thump . . . thump . . . thump . . . thump . . . thud.)
OneTwoThree. It's over! Chemical Warfare take the victory
in a mild upset.
Bohemoth and Murtough exchanging
some unpleasantries. I can't quite make out what they're saying.
Something about somebody dropping something? A ball, maybe?
Could be. We'll be right back after this commercial.
Tyrone Mayhem: Check out the Package.
And we're back.
What was that all about? Was that a Diversity at
Tonea's commercial because I'm sure asking "What the Hell?".
Ixnay. Anyway, our next match features the battle of the medics,
as the Doctors Snare and Plants will square off.
I like Plants here. If it were a cage
match, that would be a different story . . .
("Sabotage" by the Beastie Boys plays. Snare enters
upset that they don't have his correct music.) Now entering the ring,
weighing in at 275 pounds, from Jackson, Tennessee (or is that
Texas? Ha ha.), and accompanied by Kandi and El Presidente. . . DOCTOR
Hmmm. They got his theme music
wrong. Never a good sign.
("A Change Would Do You Good" by Sheryl Crow plays.
Dr. Plants enters in a sharp suit with a blue tie.) And his opponent, from
Nipples...er, Naples, Italy and representing Club Med, weighing 240 lbs.,
Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants!
Let's get ready to ru...e, fight!
They lock up. Wristlock by Snare. Reversal into a front chancery
by Plants. Snare escapes the hold. Drop toe-hold into a facelock.
Kandi shows her approval!
Kandi: I approve!
Snare picks him up . . . powerbomb! Cover . . . one, two, kickout
It's important we point out that that was
not, in fact, Snare's finisher. Rather, it was just a regular powerbomb.
I mean, heh, how else do you think Plants was able to kick out?
Exactly. While you were rambling on, Plants has seized control of
this match. Side headlock by Plants . . . into a running bulldog!!!
It looks like he's going for the 360 Stomp, which
he calls the Breast Implant!
You got it, Cap, it's the dreaded Breast Implant. And . . . HE
GOT IT. One, two, and . . . NO! Kandi breaks up the pin and stands
toe to toe with Plants.
Wow, this looks like a great setup for a
future PPV match. Or a set-up in general.
Thanks, Captain Exposition. Anyway, Plants gets the DQ victory,
but I don't think we've heard the last of this feud.
Agreed. Wait, what the hell's going on? They're
shaking hands! And they're beckoning to the back.
Here comes a whole group of wrestlers. The Ambulance Jockeys and Nurse
Heidi are out. There's Necro Phil. And Identity Crisis Man, who
surprisingly is dressed like a normal human being.
Dr. Snare: Sure we just had a match. But logic doesn't concern us,
we're in the medical profession! And in the interest of that profession,
we've decided to collect our efforts. Meet the new stable in town, Club
Med! Now, I know what you're thinking..."But Ironhead, what's with this
thingee?" No, wait, I mean, "But Doctor Snare, you've got three people with no
medical affiliation!" Au contraire, mes frères. Meet the former
El Presidente, now the Chief of Staff! Meet the former Identity Crisis Man,
with a new permanent identity as Intern Man! And Kandi, well, she's Kandi Stryper.
I know you guys can't wait to see that!
Whatever. Kandi's getting comparatively less and less attractive.
Oh, that's only because you've gotten used to seeing her. But look at this!
Another large stable here. Can the STWF handle it? I wonder.
Next up, it's our main event! Homicidal Hank will take on
This one has some serious implications
as far as the IG rankings are concerned.
You're right, Cap. And, hey, look, The Tiger is at ringside to catch
I smell a screwjob.
Heh. What are you talking about? Let's move on . . .
Hey, look, it's Hank. And, hey, there's douja. Go to it, boys.
Quite a half-hearted intro by Announcer Lad.
Yeah, what's his problem?
Back off, Lad, or you and I might have to
square off at Supercard!
I smell a gimmick match.
Sometimes the younger generation
needs to be taught a less . . .
Figure it out later. We have a match to call. Hank would seem to
be the favorite here, after his amazing performance at the BBB.
I agree. The Tiger may have won it, but
Hank had the most impressive night, in my opinion.
The Tiger: I agree.
Stay out of this.
The Tiger: Sorry.
Here we go. douja starts things off with some wild haymakers.
The first couple connect, but Hank just dodging the punches now.
Uh-oh, it looks like the recently drug-free
douja has fallen off the wagon.
I'm afraid you're right. This probably won't be much of a match.
Hank with a bodyslam. Pickup by Hank. Whip to the ropes.
Spinning heel kick.
This is getting ugly. Douja is so talented,
I don't know why he has to use the reefer.
This match is all Hank. He's going for a powerbomb . . . got it.
Another one . . . douja is out cold, but doesn't seem to be feeling any
pain, if you know what I mean. Here's the Homicidal Hammer . . .
one, two, three.
Here is your winner, HOMICIDAL HANK. Also, Captain Twilight
Well, THAT was certainly uncalled for.
Wait, something's happening. The Tiger has just entered the ring.
He picks up douja and throws him out of the ring like a sack of
The Tiger: Hank, I want to congratulate you on the victory here
tonight. More importantly, I want to let everybody know that I want
you to have the first shot at the IG belt.
Hank: Sounds good to me, but let me consult Spike . . .
(Hank begins chatting with a potted geranium)
Hank: Sounds like a plan! You're on, Tiger.
The Tiger: All right, then, I guess I'll see you on the big, big, big 50th
edition of Monday Nae Trous. See you then.
Well, folks, it looks like we have ourselves a main event for the
biggest Nae Trous ever!
Here we go again.
We are desperately out of time . . . we'll see you Monday. And
remember . . . one Friday is never enough!
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre