FFF #30 (No Subtitle Necessary)

(FFF opens with a bang as two men who look suspiciously like the pyro guys dance around with sparklers. One is a three, and one is a zero. Get it?)
Hello again, everybody, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden and welcome to Friday FridayuhFriday? Alongside me, as always, is the incontinent champion Captain Twilight.
Than - HEY!
We've got a decent card for you tonight, although not as good as you would expect for a show whose number is divisible by 10.
Whatever you say, let's get to it, Vince.
OK, tonight we have for you the touted Murtough/Bohemoth vs. Chemical Warfare tag match. We also have Dr. Snare vs. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants in a "battle of the medics" match. Our main event tonight will be Hank (19:50) going up against douja. But first up, we've got Mittens vs. Sir Hungalot.
That should be interesting.
Uh, well put. Anyway, let's get to the action.
("Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" by Mozart, FYI, plays. Out lumbers Mittens) Making his way to the ring at this time, fighting out of Portland, Oregon, weighing in at 452 and one-half pounds, and accompanied by Grampa . . . MITTENS!!!
I like the cut of Grampa's jib!
You'd better, if the rumours about your stables merging is true.
("Love Roller Coaster" by the Ohio Players plays. Hungalot walks out) And his opponent, fighting out of Paradise, Pennsylvania, weighing in at 250 pounds, and accompanied by Candy Cantaloupes . . . SIR HUNGALOT!!!
And here we go. Big Sir seems to be talking about his genitals, but Mittens is not impressed.
Genitals? Good gracious!
Big right hand by Mittens. Whip to the ropes. Lariat. Pickup by the head. Bodyslam. Pickup. Powerslam. Pickup. Gorilla press slam.
This is getting silly.
That's okay. Hungalot with a kick to the gut. Off the ropes . . . swinging neckbreaker!
Hungalot looking to get control of the match back here, Vince.
Right you are. Another kick to the gut. Rocker Dropper!
I think you mean Face Crusher.
Same move. Hungalot with an elbowdrop into a cover. OneTwokickout by Mitten
So close.
Mittens on the attack now. Vicious chops to the chest. He's going for the Glove!
You gotta love the glove! But seriously, isn't it weird that such a prototypical power wrestler uses a very technical submission move as his finisher?
Nope. I think it's weird that an adult movie star is receiving a move that's also a nickname for a prophylactic device. He's got the glove locked on tight. What's this? Candy is trying to distract Mittens.
Yes, but unfortunately, she's doing it by reading Shakespeare, when she should be drawing attention to her huge rack!

I guess we should put in the TV rating about here...but we're not gonna.

Nothing you have ever said on this show has caused me to agree more strongly. And . . . that's it. Hungalot taps out, and Mittens and Grampa celebrate in the ring.
Hungalot looks angry with Candy.
He's probably upset that she held back when he was in the Glove. Anyway, our next match should be interesting as Bill Murtough and Big Van Bohemoth take on . . .
Big Van Bohemoth?
. . . As they take on Chemical Warfare.
Making their way to the ring at this time, with a combined weight of 820 (!) pounds, here are Darth Bohemoth and Bill Murtough!
Darth Bohemoth?
You know, it's amazing that these to are tagging up, because just a few short weeks ago . . .
(Clip is shown with the caption "last month." Bohemoth clocks Roughrider with a chair right after the "Village People" incident.)
Jeez! Why would we show a clip that directly contradicts a current storyline???
Storyline?
(The theme from "Charlie's Angels" by Vietallica plays.) And their opponents, from DMZ Camp 12, Hanoi, Vietnam, weighing a combined 560 pounds, and accompanied by Charlie (deep breath) here are Napalm and Agent Orange, CHEMICAL WARFARE!!!
The two teams eye each other. You could cut the tension with a knife.
You could cut the cliches with a knife.
Anyway. Bohemoth and Agent Orange to start things off. Bohemoth asking for the test of strength. Agent Orange agrees.
Big mistake.
Yep. All Bohemoth here. Turns it into a hammerlock. Orange screaming for mercy.
Agent Orange: Mercy!!! *hack* *snorrt*
He really should get that checked. Bohemoth flips the hold into a pump-handle slam!
I was wondering what the Meltdown was called before and now I know. Needless to say, impressive work by the big man.
Bohemoth tags out to Murtough. Roughrider continues the assault.
Orange needs to make a tag.
Piledriver by Murtough.
Napalm is trying to distract the ref.
The ref admonishing Napalm.
Watch out for Charlie!
OH! Charlie drills Murtough in the back of the head with a Singapore Cane!
In Vietnam they call those "Whoopin' Sticks."
I stand corrected. Anyway, Orange is able to make a tag.
Murtough is up, but he's woozy. And Bohemoth is pummeling Charlie!
Here comes Napalm. He's going for the Napalm Bomb right away!
(Thump . . . thump . . . thump . . . thump . . . thud.)
OneTwoThree. It's over! Chemical Warfare take the victory in a mild upset.
Bohemoth and Murtough exchanging some unpleasantries. I can't quite make out what they're saying. Something about somebody dropping something? A ball, maybe?
Could be. We'll be right back after this commercial.

Tyrone Mayhem: Check out the Package.

And we're back.
What was that all about? Was that a Diversity at Tonea's commercial because I'm sure asking "What the Hell?".
Ixnay. Anyway, our next match features the battle of the medics, as the Doctors Snare and Plants will square off.
I like Plants here. If it were a cage match, that would be a different story . . .
("Sabotage" by the Beastie Boys plays. Snare enters and looks upset that they don't have his correct music.) Now entering the ring, weighing in at 275 pounds, from Jackson, Tennessee (or is that Texas? Ha ha.), and accompanied by Kandi and El Presidente. . . DOCTOR SNARE.
Hmmm. They got his theme music wrong. Never a good sign.
("A Change Would Do You Good" by Sheryl Crow plays. Dr. Plants enters in a sharp suit with a blue tie.) And his opponent, from Nipples...er, Naples, Italy and representing Club Med, weighing 240 lbs., Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants!
Let's get ready to ru...e, fight!
Nice save!
They lock up. Wristlock by Snare. Reversal into a front chancery by Plants. Snare escapes the hold. Drop toe-hold into a facelock.
Kandi shows her approval!
Kandi: I approve!
Snare picks him up . . . powerbomb! Cover . . . one, two, kickout by Plants.
It's important we point out that that was not, in fact, Snare's finisher. Rather, it was just a regular powerbomb. I mean, heh, how else do you think Plants was able to kick out?
Exactly. While you were rambling on, Plants has seized control of this match. Side headlock by Plants . . . into a running bulldog!!!
It looks like he's going for the 360 Stomp, which he calls the Breast Implant!
You got it, Cap, it's the dreaded Breast Implant. And . . . HE GOT IT. One, two, and . . . NO! Kandi breaks up the pin and stands toe to toe with Plants.
Wow, this looks like a great setup for a future PPV match. Or a set-up in general.
Thanks, Captain Exposition. Anyway, Plants gets the DQ victory, but I don't think we've heard the last of this feud.
Agreed. Wait, what the hell's going on? They're shaking hands! And they're beckoning to the back.
Here comes a whole group of wrestlers. The Ambulance Jockeys and Nurse Heidi are out. There's Necro Phil. And Identity Crisis Man, who surprisingly is dressed like a normal human being.
Dr. Snare: Sure we just had a match. But logic doesn't concern us, we're in the medical profession! And in the interest of that profession, we've decided to collect our efforts. Meet the new stable in town, Club Med! Now, I know what you're thinking..."But Ironhead, what's with this thingee?" No, wait, I mean, "But Doctor Snare, you've got three people with no medical affiliation!" Au contraire, mes frères. Meet the former El Presidente, now the Chief of Staff! Meet the former Identity Crisis Man, with a new permanent identity as Intern Man! And Kandi, well, she's Kandi Stryper. I know you guys can't wait to see that!
Whatever. Kandi's getting comparatively less and less attractive.
Oh, that's only because you've gotten used to seeing her. But look at this! Another large stable here. Can the STWF handle it? I wonder. Next up, it's our main event! Homicidal Hank will take on douja!
This one has some serious implications as far as the IG rankings are concerned.
You're right, Cap. And, hey, look, The Tiger is at ringside to catch this one.
Oh, jeez.
What?
I smell a screwjob.
Heh. What are you talking about? Let's move on . . .
Hey, look, it's Hank. And, hey, there's douja. Go to it, boys.
Quite a half-hearted intro by Announcer Lad.
Yeah, what's his problem?
Bite me.
Back off, Lad, or you and I might have to square off at Supercard!
Oh, jeez.
What?
I smell a gimmick match.
Sometimes the younger generation needs to be taught a less . . .
Figure it out later. We have a match to call. Hank would seem to be the favorite here, after his amazing performance at the BBB.
I agree. The Tiger may have won it, but Hank had the most impressive night, in my opinion.
The Tiger: I agree.
Stay out of this.
The Tiger: Sorry.
Here we go. douja starts things off with some wild haymakers. The first couple connect, but Hank just dodging the punches now.
Uh-oh, it looks like the recently drug-free douja has fallen off the wagon.
I'm afraid you're right. This probably won't be much of a match. Hank with a bodyslam. Pickup by Hank. Whip to the ropes. Spinning heel kick.
This is getting ugly. Douja is so talented, I don't know why he has to use the reefer.
This match is all Hank. He's going for a powerbomb . . . got it. Another one . . . douja is out cold, but doesn't seem to be feeling any pain, if you know what I mean. Here's the Homicidal Hammer . . . one, two, three.
Here is your winner, HOMICIDAL HANK. Also, Captain Twilight sucks.
Well, THAT was certainly uncalled for.
Wait, something's happening. The Tiger has just entered the ring. He picks up douja and throws him out of the ring like a sack of potatoes.
The Tiger: Hank, I want to congratulate you on the victory here tonight. More importantly, I want to let everybody know that I want you to have the first shot at the IG belt.
Hank: Sounds good to me, but let me consult Spike . . .
(Hank begins chatting with a potted geranium)
Hank: Sounds like a plan! You're on, Tiger.
The Tiger: All right, then, I guess I'll see you on the big, big, big 50th edition of Monday Nae Trous. See you then.
Well, folks, it looks like we have ourselves a main event for the biggest Nae Trous ever!
Here we go again.
We are desperately out of time . . . we'll see you Monday. And remember . . . one Friday is never enough!
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre