FFF #29 (Young Man, There's No Need to Feel Down...)

Hello again, everybody, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden and welcome to one of the most important Friday Friday Fridays EVER!!!
Thanks, Tony.

(sigh) Unfortunately alongside me, as always, is Captain Twilight.
Less talk, more matches.
OK, let's get to it. First up, a title match, as The Chosen Ones take on The Rhythm and Blues Express for the Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver Tag Titles!
R&B looked impressive in their title victory last Friday, Vince, but these wily old men may have what it takes to get the straps.
We shall see.
This tag team contest is set for one fall, and is for the Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver tag team belts. Making their way down the aisle, the challengers, with a total combined weight of 228 lbs. *snicker*...here are Irving Goldstein and Jeffrey Steingold, THE CHOSEN ONES!
Voiceover: 4-What's-Left-Of-Yer-Life.
("Hava Nagila" plays as both men dance down the aisle, clapping.)
And their opponents, the champions, representing the Rogue's Gallery, here are Elwood P. Rhythm and C.P. Blues, THE RHYTHM AND BLUES EXPRESS!
Voiceover: Are you ready for a brand new BEAT?!
("Dancin' in the Streets" plays as the well-choreographed duo walk down the aisle in perfect synchrony.)
And here comes the trash! Thrown right at the Express.
Nice save, Captain.
***bell rings.
And we're set to go. Blues and Goldstein to start things off. They lock up. Whip to the ropes by Blues. Lariat! Blues picks him up by the head. Piledriver! That was quick.
R&B looks like champions tonight, Vince. Goldstein needs a pep pill, or something.
Blues tags out to Rhythm now. Goldstein is wobbly. Powerslam by Rhythm! And a quick double-team effort before Blues makes his way to his corner.
He's beating him like Ike did Tina! I've gotta go. Pardon me a moment.
(Captain Twilight leaves his broadcasting position)
Cap, get back here! Too late. A choke hold around the wrinkled neck of Goldstein. The ref admonishing Rhythm now, but Rhythm doesn't seem to care. It's up to the Chosen Ones to defeat the Gallery members. A DQ win would just mean they'd keep the belts. Oh, and what's this??? While Rhythm and the ref are arguing, Captain Twilight has pulled the fallen Goldstein out of the ring and inserted Steingold in his place! Rhythm picks up Steingold . . . he's going for a CHART-BUSTERRR . . . NO! WAIT! Roll-up by Steingold! One . . . Two . . . THREE!!! We have new champions, thanks to Captain Twilight! Absolutely unbelievable! The Chosen Ones are so easily distinguished from each other, but our ref couldn't tell!
(The Captain returns to his broadcast position as the referee gives the belts to the representatives of the OBN)
Back in my day, we called that the ol' Jew Switcheroo! Ha ha.
Well, it's my day, and we call that dirty play.
Hey, it was about time we of the OBN took home some gold. Besides, the Gallery guys would have sunk lower given half the chance.
I hope you don't think the Rogue is going to let you get away with this.
(frightened) Is the Rogue here tonight?
Strangely enough, no, despite his team's wrestling tonight.
Heh. I'm not scared of the Rogue! I was beating guys in the middle of the ring when his parents were in diapers! He couldn't carry my jock on my worst day!
Who would want to carry your jock on ANY day?
That's a good point.
Anyway, the Chosen Ones are your new MBPD Tag Champions. In rather good time, I might add.
Next up, we've got a debut match as Luke Warm takes on BILL. Why this wasn't the first match is anyone's guess.
Ratings. The OBN brings 'em in, and will make 'em sit through a debut match.
You think?
This contest is set for one fall. Making his way first, from Springfield, Illinois, weighing in at 244 lbs., representing the Asylum Alliance, BILL!
Voiceover: YEAAAHHHHH!
("The 1812 Overture" plays as BILL enters to virtually zero pop. Some hardcore Alliance fans are cheering, but that's about it.)
And his opponent, making his STWF debut, from Bumbledink, Texas, and weighing 255 lbs., LUKE WARM!
(The sound of stuff breaking crashes over the speakers. The audience looks around confused, and the sarcastic fratboys start clapping. Luke Warm enters and stands on a turnbuckle, giving a double "thumbs-up" to the audience.)
***bell rings.
BILL is doing some trash-talking here before the bell rings.
Not smart, especially from a jobber.
(BILL gets a piece of white poster board and a black magic marker. He writes "YOU" on the paper, shows it to the crowd and Luke Warm, throws down the poster, and stomps on it.)
Not a good way to win friends and/or influence people, eh, Cap?
Shhh! I'm writing . . . "Take out magic marker..."
And here we go. Fists to the midsection by BILL. Luke Warm just shrugs them off!!!
Surprise!
Headlock by Warm . . . running bulldog! That's gotta hoit.
Hoit? What are you, a mobster now?
Wait . . . he's going for the Stonecutter! And BILL taps out immediately.
An impressive debut by the Texan.
And here comes Marshall Law from the back to congratulate Luke Warm. Marshall Law now realizing that, despite his appearance and birthplace, Warm is not in their stable. They head to the back with hang-dog looks.
I'm confused. Where's BILL's trademark injury? He didn't sustain one today.
Right you are. Hey Luke, care to supplement that with something? There goes Luke, he's grabbing a Yoo-Hoo from the vendor at ringside. And look at him chug that sucker back! He tosses the bottle behind himself. And it lands square on BILL's head, where it shatters nicely. Listen to that thunderous applause for our newcomer!
Nice finish, BILL gets injured, this is shaping up to be one nifty Friday.
Next up, it's a big match in the North American ranks as Dr. Snare takes on SuperWrestler! And it's gotten REALLY personal.
This contest is set for one fall. Making his way to the ring first, accompanied by StreetMime and Kandi, from Jackson, Texas and weighing 275 lbs., DOCTOR SNARE!
("Paranoid" by Black Sabbath plays. StreetMime enters first, holding a sign with just quotation marks on it. Snare and Kandi enter arm-in-arm.)
And his opponent, representing the Hubcap Gang, from Kryptopolis, Mississippi and weighing 265 lbs., SuperWrestler!
("Holding Out for a Hero" by Bonnie Tyler plays as SuperWrestler is lowered from the rafters.)
***bell rings.
Here we go. Snare comes out swinging. Drop toe hold into a front face-lock by SW. Snare reverses it into an STF.
Is that even possible?
Shut up. Majisral cradle by SW. One...Two...kickout. Face crusher by SW. Snare gets up, Russian leg sweep!
Uhhhh...um...uh...
Shut up. SW's got him right here he wants him now. He's going for the...
The what? Out with it, man!
I...don't remember. Funny. Anyway. SuperWrestler with a hammerlock. Snare switches it into a grapevine. And now SuperWrestler manages to slap on a cross-face chickenwing!
I hear SuperWrestler is running for President.
Oh, he is not. Although I hear the Right Hand Man is putting in a bid...
For the presidency?
No, the 2014 Winter Olympics. Doctor Snare reaches the ropes, not a second too soon.
Supe really seems to have recovered well. Maybe he really does have super powers. Just like me!
What are your super powers? Being super annoying? Don't answer that. Doctor Snare with an enzuigiri kick, and I think the pendulum just shifted. Snare with an amazing array of power maneuvers, and here's the cover: 1...2...no. Snare trying for the Snare Slam...but Supe puts it into a hurricanrana! And here's the cover: 1...2...3! SuperWrestler has just defeated Snare!
Needless to say, Snare still has a title shot at the Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl, and he's going to use it to the best of his ability.
Supe's not done. He's stomping away at the fallen Snare, and....giggling? He stops, and wait! Springboard missile dropkick to StreetMime outside the ring! Wow.
Say what you will about the mime, he can still take a hell of a bump.
Next up, we've got yet another title match, and yet another tag match to boot, as the Circus Freaks take on The Techies for the belts.
I like the Circus Freaks' chances in this one. Where have the Techies been, anyway?
Both teams are in the ring.
It looks like the Techies have certainly put on some weight! That time off may hurt their performance.
Bait and Dizzy Desi to start things off here. Bait looks sluggish and pasty.
That's what happens when you spend too much time in front of the computer. Why else do you think Der Kommissaar doesn't like people seeing him?
Watch what you say around here. Desi with a spinning heel kick right off the bat that sends Bait down. Bait on his hands and knees trying to catch his breath.
What the hell is going on here?
Bait tags out to Switch, who reluctantly enters the ring. Desi still in total control, though. Spinning neckbreaker from out of nowhere! This guy is fast.
This is an embarrassing performance for the champs.
Desi looks a little disgusted. Even more so than he looks disgustING. He tags out to Sasquatch. He's signalling for the Saskatchewan Stomp!
Switch is begging for his life, Vince!
CRUNCH!
OH! BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER! BIG STOMP BY SASQUATCH! Count to a thousand. We have new champions! The Circus Freaks once again take home the titles for the Asylum Alliance. Our first-ever three-time champs. The Asylum's got to be happy about that distinction. The Techies looked bad tonight, but I'm sure they'll be back in top form soon enough. They're a great team, but they just seemed to have a bit of ring rust tonight.
Twenty-one . . . twenty-two . . . twenty- three . . .
What's your problem?
Shhh! I'm counting to a thousand! Twenty-four . . .
Oh, Lord. We'll be right back.

Hi. You might not remember me. My name is Marq. Ever since the ads on this program got stepped up a notch, I couldn't afford to advertise here. But standards have lowered, so I'm back! And I'd like you all to try my great root beer. It may not be the most hygiene beverage in the world, what with my dusty old manufacturing building. And of course, the Board of Health accepted by bribes so I can sell it, as long as I remain truthful in my advertising. No problem! Because other drinks can make all sorts of wacky claims. Not me. It's good root beer, honest! Just maybe a little dusty. And, take one sip and you'll agree:
Marq's has mites.

I grew up in the ghetto. I'd like to break it down a bit for you right here.
(he makes a few noises with his mouth)
PSSSSS! Beeeeeow...PSSS! Brow...bricks...PSSS! Beeeeeeow...PSSS! Brow...bricks...PSSS! Beeeeow...beeeow....beeeow...beeeowwww...
(words appear on screen) Diversity at Tonea's. What the hell?!

What the hell indeed! Cap, comments?
Brow bricks?
Thanks, Cap, eloquent as always. And now, fans, it's time for our main event. A special 6-man tag match which pits Marshall Madd, Braxton Chane and Chocolate Thunder of Marshall Law against Homicidal Hank, ThatGuy, and The Tiger.
This should be interesting. The Asylum Alliance and the Inner Circle have been at each other's THROATS, and you can cut the tension with a knife here tonight.
The following six-man tag team contest is scheduled for one fall.
("Thunder Rolls" by Garth Brooks plays) Making their way down the aisle, accompanied by "Roughrider" Bill Murtough, and representing Marshall Law, are Marshall Madd, Braxton Chane and Chocolate Thunder!!!
(Crowd is quite loud but also quite divided as the cowboys and cop make their way to the ring)
And their opponents, representing both the Asylum Alliance and The Inner Circle, here are Homicidal Hank, ThatGuy, and The Tiger!!!
(Crowd pops as "I'm Going Slightly Mad" by Queen plays. The wrestlers do not appear.)
What's all this about? Are these guys really scared of Marshall Law?
Doubtful.
("Insane in the Brain" by Cypress Hill plays, to a gigantic pop. "You're Not Safe" chants start, but still no one emerges.)
Bill Murtough now asking the ref to begin a count-out, but he refuses.
("Eye of the Tiger," by Survivor, plays. The pop gets ever louder. Again, no one comes out.)
The crowd seems to be getting restless now. Marshall Law looks smug in the middle of the ring.
(Suddenly, the opening notes of "YMCA" by the Village People blare over the loudspeakers. Out runs Homicidal Hank dressed as a biker guy, ThatGuy as an Indian Chief, and the Tiger as a construction worker. The three dance to the ring accompanied by the loudest pop of the night. Absolutely deafening.)
Oh...my...God.
Marshall Law is not gonna like this one bit! Hey, now they're dancing with Chane (read: the cop) and Madd (read: the cowboy)
The crowd loves it, but Marshall Law is none too pleased. AND WE'VE GOT AN ALL-OUT BRAWL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING!!! The refs are able to break it up now, and Homicidal Hank and Chocolate Thunder are left in the ring. Hank wailing away at Thunder, but Thunder answering back with big right hands. Headbutt by Chocolate Thunder, and Hank is down.
Both sides are REALLY fired up, Vince.
Hank tags out to ThatGuy. Whoa! Big bodyslam by Thunder! ThatGuy up quickly, begging for more. Thunder accomodates him via a reverse piledriver!!!
I'm not sure how much more of this ThatGuy can take.
I'm sure he can take plenty. Thunder tags out to Marshall Madd. ThatGuy has a chance to recover. Whip to the ropes by ThatGuy . . . sleeper! Madd breaks the hold. German Suplex by Madd. He's going for another one . . . standing switch by ThatGuy . . . German Suplex into a bridge! One . . . TWO . . . kickout by the Marshall.
This is STWF at its most intense, not that that's saying much.
Well put. Pump-handle slam by Madd!!! What a move. Madd tags out to "The Enforcer" Braxton Chane. Chane going for the Whiplash . . . got it - NO - victory roll by ThatGuy . . . One . . . Two . . . Kickout by Chane.
It's hard for a guy who's never had a victory to pull off a victory roll.
ThatGuy beat Hank just recently, didn't he? By DQ? Even still. Another good point. Chane looks furious now. And a little winded from that last-second kickout. ThatGuy can barely stand, however. OH! Vicious powerbomb by Chane! Chane plays to the crowd, who has a very mixed reaction to his antics.
He had better go for the cover right now!
He doesn't and ThatGuy is able to make the hot tag to The Tiger. Chane wasted too much time.
Chane turns around and that smile on his face quickly disappears. He and the Tiger lock up. Hammerlock into an inverted suplex by The Tiger!
I think Chane's tiring.
Whip to the ropes by Chane . . . attempts a back-body drop, but the Tiger lands on his feet.
Hey, you know what they say about cats.
What's that?
Um. Uhhh . . . they aren't as good as dogs?
Yeah? I don't see Andrew Lloyd Webber jumping to make "Dogs". Oh, I see your point. Anyway, here's a scoop slam by the Tiger. Pick up by the head.
He's going for a Tiger Driver!
Yes he is! The crowd on it's feet! GOT IT. Chane may have a broken neck! Cover by the Tiger . . . One . . . Two . . . Thr . . . WAIT! Bill Murtough pulled the ref out of the ring!!!
HERE COMES BOHEMOTH FROM THE BACK!!!
Bohemoth clocks Murtough. Thunder comes to the Roughrider's aid. Security now separating Bohemoth and Murtough! Well, it looks like we have a no-contest on our hands.
Son of a gun! I can't tolerate that dirty trick by Murtough!
But you did something just as bad when the Chosen Ones took the belts tonight!
(smiling) The Chosen Ones got the belt tonight.
Anyway, be sure to join us next time fans. Will the Rogue exact revenge on the Captain? What will happen with Marshall Law's situation? Tune in next time, because one Friday is never enough!!!
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre