It's Friday. Took it long enough.


(No intro. Budget cuts. Show starts with shot of Angus and the Cap.)
Hey folks, Angus "Vince" McMadden here. Here's Captain Twilight.
Shalom.
You're not Jewish, Cap, are you?
No...I just said "Shalom", didn't I? I guess those Chosen Ones are rubbing off on me. They're both great guys, and there's no generation gap like mine with you.
Yeah, but we get along just great most of the time.
Oh, yeah, I didn't mean it like that. Shall we just get to the card?
Righty-o. SuperWrestler will battle the Violent Pacifist for the North American Championship! For the MBPD belts, it's the Rhythm and Blues Express vs. the Total Annihilators! In a double-debut match, Marshall Madd battles the Redeemer! And Mittens will take on Iceberg? Is this right?
We better change that match if we want to avoid sagging ratings.
You bet. How about...Jeffrey Steingold vs. Identity Crisis Man?
Much better. In fact, we can do that one now.
*pant* *pant* Oh, sure, cut the preamble, why don't you! Where are my cue cards?! Here we go. This contest is scheduled for one fall. Making his way to the ring, representing the Total Annihilation Squad, and weighing in at 471 lbs., ICEBERG!
(Identity Crisis Man emerges. He looks confused, then guesses he must be Iceberg and strips to his underwear. He does a smack-up job of making Bob look like Strep.)
Boy, Iceberg lost weight. Uh...and his opponent, accompanied by Grampa, he weighs in at 452 lbs., here is MITTENS!
("Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" plays as Jeffrey Steingold emerges. He holds up his hands. Vic the Sound Guy is on the ball and quickly cues "the Dreidel Song", with the intermittent "O...B...N." "4-What's-Left-of-yer-Life" etc. Loud pop for the Networker.)
***bell rings.
Jeffrey Steingold locks up with IC(eberg)M. Identity Crisis Man puts on a side headlock. He pulls the Old Boy underneath for a modified side slam.
Impressive maneuver. Too bad it's on the wrong guy.
Jeffrey Steingold gets to his feet. He puts a flying forearm on Identity Crisis Man! And now he bounces off the ropes, and an elbowdrop on top. The cover: 1...2...ICM with his foot on the ropes. Jeffrey Steingold picks up Icey by the hair, and backbreaker.
Alright! ... Icey?
The Captain will be quiet! ICM gets up and gives Steingold a flying bodypress! The crowd is on its feet!
Why? It's just a bodypress, right?
I don't get it either. But hey, the fans in the Cowpie Palace are always easily pleased. (boos) Oh, deny it, people! Are we being put over the PA?
I think so.
Oh. Steingold with a double-leg takedown, and now a half Crab is applied. Identity Crisis Man is feeling the burn...and Bob clocks Steingold on the side of the head! The manager always sticks his nose in where it doesn't belong!
Isn't Bob a sock puppet?
Yes, actually. And mind you, Identity Crisis Man and Bob happened BEFORE the Foley Trinity used Mr. Socko. Just a minor display of the STWF's innovation!
The what Trinity? And Mr. What-o?
Hey Cap, weren't YOU the one that used to reference up and down in the early days of the STWF?
Times change, I suppose. My role isn't fixed. If it were, I wouldn't be in the Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl, now would I?
Identity Crisis Man in control. He whips Steingold against the ropes, Steingold leaps over ICM on the way back, sunset flip, ICM crashes down! 1...2...oh, that was too close. Steingold looks like he's ready to finish this one off... he picks up Identity Crisis Man...Torah-nado DDT!
Oh yeah!
The cover, the count, the victory for Jeffrey Steingold! Major upset by the Old Boy. He's one to watch for in the future.
He AND his brother. The Old Boys are taking over!
Sure they are. Shall I get you a prune juice while we're waiting for the next match, Cap?
Well that would be right dandy of you, Vince. Hey, wait a minute, are you making fun of my age?
You know me better than that, Captain. Alright, time for the next match!
The following contest is set for one fall, with a seven-and-a-half minute time limit. Making his way to the ring first, representing Marshall Law, and weighing 306 lbs., here is Marshall Madd!
("Love Gun" by KISS plays. Marshall Madd enters, carrying a noose. Mixed reaction.)
Looks like Marshall Law got a little too over for their own good.
Hey, people get sick of Steve Austin for being too over.
See, there's the Captain I know!
And his opponent, from Springfield, Illinois...
He's fighting BILL?
No, shut up and let me finish. Weighing 285 lbs., here is THE REDEEMER!
("The Bells of St. Mary's" plays. The Redeemer enters carrying a cross. His costume also contains a large cross on the front. And he's wearing a mask. Think Zodiac Killer. Vyrus is following in front, shuffling his feet as if he's not moving under his own power.)
What do you suppose is the relationship between Vyrus and the Redeemer, Cap?
Truth be told I don't want to know. What I want to know, is how can we fix the Redeemer's awful stuttering problem? It seems like he says every letter four times before he moves on to the next one.
That's funny, but I can't place why.
***bell rings.
The Redeemer raises a hand for the ol' test-o'-strength. Marshall Madd complies.
Rookie mistake! And he pays for it with a big kick to the breadbasket. And now a DDT! The Redeemer wasting absolutely no time.
Quite true. The Redeemer makes a lazy cover: 1...kickout. No way are you going to get the Cowboy that easily. Marshall Madd aided to his feet by the Zod...er, Redeemer.
This time it's the Redeemer who makes the mistake. You really have to make sure the opponent doesn't have much juice left before you start helping them up. Marshall Madd with a large amount of rights and lefts. The ref is warning him about the closed hands, and the Marshall complies.
Looks like we found someone to police the police, as it were. Marshall Madd with a European uppercut. Takes the Redeemer to the buckle. He moves in, the Redeemer lifts a big boot. Marshall Madd stops in time and lays an elbow right to the knee! That's gotta hurt the Redeemer.
Even Vyrus winced at that one.
True, but maybe he's really feeling the pain. The Redeemer pushes Marshall Madd away. He runs in and belly-to-belly suplex! He's going to the middle rope for a splash...success! 1...2...no. Both men are up now. The Redeemer is limping slightly. Marshall Madd with a clothesline. He's legdropping the Redeemer's bad knee, and now he's just stomping away at it. Vyrus jumps up on the apron. He's strangling Marshall Madd with his own noose! The ref is talking to the Redeemer about stopping the match, so he misses it completely. He turns around just in time for Vyrus to release the noose and jump off the apron. The Redeemer stands up and kneelifts Marshall. He bulldogs Madd, and 1...2...no! Marshall Madd is still in this. Marshall Madd is up now. The Redeemer is taking Marshall Madd to the top rope...I have no idea what he's planning! Wait...Marshall Madd just gave the Redeemer a neckbreaker from the top rope. That's going to put the Redeemer out no doubt! 1...2...3! Marshall Madd takes this one, with a "Western Whirlwind" from the top rope.
But Vyrus and the Redeemer aren't done. The Redeemer smacks Marshall with the big cross! Vyrus is undoing the noose...what are they going to do to Marshall Madd?
(Extended crowd shots for five minutes)
...all the way to the locker room. Boy, that was certainly intriguing, wasn't it? We've got to move on. It's SuperWrestler vs. the Violent Pacifist, in what should be one really solid match.
I couldn't agree with you more. Both men are gifted technical athletes, but you have to wonder: after Dr. Snare's vicious beating on SuperWrestler last Monday, how fit is SuperWrestler to challenge for a title?
A good question. We'll see, right now!
This contest is set for one fall, and is for the STWF North American Championship. Making his way to the ring first, the challenger, from Kryptopolis, Mississippi, and weighing 265 lbs., representing the Hubcap Gang, here is SuperWrestler!
("Holding Out for a Hero" by Bonnie Tyler plays. SuperWrestler descends from the rafters on a wire, in his "hero in flight" pose. Loud cheers. SuperWrestler is sporting a few nice cuts and bruises.)
And his opponent, the champion, representing the Total Annihilation Squad, from Seattle, Washington and weighing 330 lbs., THE VIOLENT PACIFIST!
Voiceover: How does it feel to be "totally annihilated"?
("Closer" by Nine Inch Nails plays. A lot more boos than cheers.)
Evidently, Strep is not present for this match.
The Violent Pacifist has been nearly unstoppable since he won that belt. The trouble is, with the winds blowing the way they are, there really is no need for him to be as violent as he is. He's been told to go back to focussing on his pacifism and less on his violence.
Whether he'll listen is another story. So hard to keep a balance when your personality is split two ways.
You talking about Supe? Or the VP?
The Violent Pacifist, of course. What makes you think SuperWrestler has a split personality?
***bell rings.
SuperWrestler is such a trooper. He's battered and bruised, and he's still not going to forfeit his shot. The Pacifist with an armdrag takedown. He moves into a bodyscissors. SuperWrestler looks visibly in pain. But he's still fighting. He just barely crooks his index finger around the bottom rope, so the hold must be broken. SuperWrestler takes precious time getting up. He gives the Pacifist a few chops. And now a jawbreaker. SuperWrestler may be dominating right now, but he really looks like he could have used some time off.
That's for sure. Too bad SuperWrestler has too much honour to give up easily. He could end his career in this ring if he's not careful!
Those aren't words I like to hear. The Violent Pacifist locks SuperWrestler up in the ropes! How much more can he take, folks? The VP is just kicking him while he's down. And now he slaps SW's face!
That did it. I see a second wind from Supe a-brewin'.
SuperWrestler summons all his strength and breaks free of the ropes! The Pacifist is actually begging off! SuperWrestler with a German suplex! And he keeps holding on, there's another one! Can he go for three? YES!
Absolutely amazing.
He looks like he's going to stand the Pacifist up and go for the knockout Punch of Justice!
If he does, I'll have a new respect for the Hubcap Gang in general, and Supe in particular.
He's standing him up...he's actually going to do it! Here's the windup...and Dr. Snare from underneath the ring, levels SuperWrestler with a steel chair! Fans, you should hear the boos, Dr. Snare is getting booed out of the building. This match is being called, Supe wins by DQ. Here comes Identity Crisis Man, StreetMime and the Harlequin from Hell. They're stomping away at SuperWrestler. Dr. Snare is going for a powerbomb! Ouch. Here comes Nik at Nyte and B.F. Sack to make the save. Their very presence causes all four men to exit quickly. They help SuperWrestler up.
SuperWrestler on the receiving end of two consecutive beatings. You have to wonder how this will affect the guy's psyche.
His self-esteem might be a little hurt, you're right. But first, some messages.
Over 75 men will be entering one ring.
They'll all be carrying weapons with which to beat their opponents cold and roll them out.
One man will stand alone, and be crowned an Intergalactic Champion.
It's BIG.
It's BAD.
It's the BUNKHOUSE 'BLIVION BRAWL, and it's coming soon. Are you ready to Bunkhouse?
Coming Soon to the STWF...Luke Warm. He's ready to serve up a platter of kick-tail under glass, and down a couple of ice-cold Luke-Hoos. Making his debut on the next Friday Friday Friday. Will his reception be hot? Or...Luke Warm?
LUKE WARM. STWF bound. Watch for him.
That wasn't nearly repetitive enough. Time to go to our main event! The Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver belts are on the line. The Total Annihilators take on the Rhythm and Blues Express, and Cap, you have to admit, the Annihilators have had these belts for some time.
Could be because nobody cares about these belts to challenge for them, Vince.
You're right, I suppose, but the Rogue's Gallery has never given up the chance to try for some belts.
This contest is set for one fall, and is for the Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver tag team belts. Making their way to the ring, the challengers, representing the Rogue's Gallery and accompanied by the Rogue, here are Elwood P. Rhythm and C.P. Blues, THE RHYTHM AND BLUES EXPRESS!
Voiceover: Are you ready for a brand new BEAT?!
("Dancin' in the Streets" by Martha and the Vandelas plays. More boos, rivalling Dr. Snare's a moment ago. People are throwing trash at the Rogue, and he's loving it. As always, he has a smirk on his face.)
And their opponents, the champions, representing the Total Annihilation Squad, here are Carnage and Stalker, THE TOTAL ANNIHILATORS!
("Danger" by KISS plays. They enter, looking very confident indeed. Cheers for the lesser of two evils.)
***bell rings.
Now hold on just a minute there. Let me speak my piece. Hello, you overpaid-with-minimum-wage immygants!
(the crowd boos and throws more trash)
Now, being an STWF Executive, I've decided to flex my proverbial "brass muscles" and decree that this match is an "Out the Window" match. That means the rules go out the window! We used to call these "Anything Goes" matches, but it's been done outside. Hmph. So there, Total Annihilators! Let's see you hang onto those belts NOW! We got the power, baby, 'cause we own the WORLD! Ha-LA!
You know, I really hate that Rogue.
We all do, Cap. Except I never worked for him.
Shut up, that was a very brief period of time. And I regret every second of it.
Rhythm and Blues both charge Carnage, who's the "legal" man. Rhythm starts pounding on his upper body, while Blues crunches the lower. The Stalker, with a remarkably bad reaction time, finally enters the fray, and Blues goes to attack Stalker. Stalker gaining the upper hand, but then so is Rhythm. Strange how both the big guys are faltering.
You know what they say, it's not size...
Go talk to Sir Hungalot. I'm sure he'll be glad to hear you say such things. The Rogue tosses in another steel chair! All four men scramble for it. The Rogue comes in with the announcer's bell! He nails Stalker with it!
CLANG!
Never heard the bell sound like that before. Never seen that dent in the bell either.
The ref is about to disqualify, but this is an Out the Window match. The Rogue can interfere however he wants. Rhythm and Blues now go after Carnage, the one standing member of the Total Annihilators. Double dropkick by the Express! Rhythm picks up Carnage...oh no, it's the Chart Buster! Carnage gets up right away and laughs. The Express can't believe their eyes! And neither can I. Carnage double-clotheslines both men and he's going to town on them. Here comes the Rogue again...
CLANG!
Don't think I'll ever get used to hearing that.
All four men down. The ref is starting a double count-out: 1...2...3...4...5...6...C.P. Blues is up. He sees everyone down. He executes the Blues Breaker on the Stalker! The count: 1...2...3! We have new champs!
Here are your winners, and NEEEEEEW Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver tag champions, THE RHYTHM AND BLUES EXPRESS!
I told you we had the power, baby! Ha-LA!
RHM: Just a minute. Who's got the power? Right now, it's me. You can muck around with EXISTING contracts, but let's see you stop this. I've just signed this contract here, that says the Rhythm and Blues Express have to defend their newly-acquired belts on the next Friday Friday Friday.... AGAINST THE CHOSEN ONES!
Rodney Ricardo: Ey boss, when do WE get a shot at da belts?
RHM: In good time. Besides, you don't really want these piddly belts, do you? You want the real ones. I'll make that happen once I get Der Kommissaar to work his magic. Come on boys, we need to let the Rogue fume.
And fume he will. Look at how angry he is! He was really expecting to keep these belts without defending them for a while.
Don't worry, guys, don't worry. I just need to plan.
Well, the Rogue's Gallery has two belts now (three if you count the MBPD belts as two). But can they hang on to these belts against the Chosen Ones next week? We'll see. Well, that's it for this Friday. For Captain Twilight, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden saying, tune in to us next Friday Friday Friday, because one Friday is never enough.
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre