Friday?! Yeah.
(As the fans are home watching the new format for
the Friday Friday Friday opening, the fans in attendance are treated to
a sexy dance display by a 500 pound black stripper called "Cho Momma."
It's the rock or the hard place, folks. Your hosts are Angus "Vince"
McMadden and Jamal Tupac Mustafa. We're live from an undisclosed
location. Captain Twilight and Girl Friday, much to your dismay or
pleasure, are nowhere to be seen.)
Welcome one and welcome all to another fine edition
of Friday Friday Friday. With me as always, the legendary Jamal Tupac
Mustafa. Jamal?
Yo.
Captain Twilight is currently recovering at home.
He got a bad case of food poisoning from some bad pork. Tough luck. If
we may move right along, ladies and gentlemen, we have an excellent
card planned for you here, tonight. Representing the Hubcap Gang,
SuperWrestler will take on Dr. Snare. Dr. Snare, someone who's been in
the STWF a good while... Vyrus will take on Arnold, and the returning
Bohemoth will take on the former STWF Heavyweight Champion, Death!
Opening things up, however, is an epic tag team encounter... two top
contender teams facing off, and the victors are guaranteed a tag title
shot on a future card. Let's go down to Announcer Lad.
Our opening contest is scheduled for one fall with
a twenty minute time limit. Currently coming to the ring at this
time:
(Guns 'N Roses' "Welcome to the Jungle" plays as Milwaukee's Best come
down to a huge pop. The Inner Circle guys are still riding high in the
fans' favor.)
Weighing in at a total combined weight of 550 lbs.,
hailing from Milwaukee, Wisconsin... representing the Inner Circle:
Beast, and Beast Light... Milwaukee's Best!!
(The fans continue to go wild as the blue-collar
duo climb into the ring.)
And now, their opponents:
(The demeanor of the crowd quickly sours as Paula
Abdul's "Opposites Attract" blairs out of the PA system. The Violent
Pacifist walks out first, followed by Sir Hungalot. No valets can be
seen tonight.)
Weighing in at a total combined weight of 580 lbs.,
representing the Total Annihilation Squad: Sir Hungalot, and the
Violent Pacifist... The Unlikely Alliance!
Okay, fans, this should be a keeper. The winners
here WILL get their shot at the tag title belts in the future. How far
into the future, we don't know...
Could be fo'eva... jus' ax Scott Hall...
Okay, that's enough referencing for tonight. It
should be of note that the Violent Pacifist is our reigning North
American title holder. Wouldn't it be something if the Unlikely
Alliance could topple yet another Inner Circle stronghold? Milwaukee's
Best have either been champions or the top contenders from the
beginning. Can the UA knock them down the ladder a few
rungs?
You know what they say, V... Anything's possible
on...
Jamal... enough! Hungalot and Beast Light are
starting this contest out. Beast Light with a common wristlock,
forcing Hungalot to the mat. Impressive! Hungalot counters with an eye
gouge, following by a tremendous clothesline, taking Beast Light down
hard. Pulls him up... whips him into the ropes... Beast Light makes the
blind tag to Beast. Hungalot goes for the back body drop, but Beast
Light catches it, and counters with a verticle suplex. Drops him...
and Beast is there with a driving elbow drop! Great team work by the
Inner Circle guys!
Yo, if that elbow had been any lower, he'd be Sir
Smashedalot, if ya catch my drift...
Unfortunately, yes... Beast now with the scoop
slam. Makes the cover... Hungalot up on one...
Hehehe... Hungalot... "up."
Jamal!! Beast now with a reverse chinlock, trying
to wear Hungalot down. Hungalot fighting... the Violent Pacifist
reaching out for that tag, but Beast is trying to prevent it... will he
make it? No! What an awesome display of strength! Beast just tossed
Hungalot into a neutral corner. Going for the big splash, now... No!!
Hungalot dives out of the way, and inches...
Hehehe... "inches."
Inches his way to his own corner for the tag. Will
he make it? Yes! And here comes VP to take advantage of the fallen
Beast.
"Fallen Beast..." weren't that one of Hungalot's
movies?
Jamal, what on earth are you talking about?! VP
drags Beast to the middle of the ring, applies a leg grapevine. Take
the wheels out from under the big man... that's always a wise plan of
action. Beast howling in pain...
"Howl of the Beast," now I know that
was...
Shut up! Beast too far away for the tag, going for
the bottom rope. He makes it, but VP refuses to relinquish the hold!
Beast Light rushes in, but is stopped by the referee, giving Hungalot
some free time... Hungalot with a chokehold! Oh, come on, now! That's
not necessary! What? Is he BITING him, now??
Well, see, V... in HIS line of work...
Enough!! Really... that's more than I need to know!
The referee FINALLY turns around, and gets Hungalot out of the ring,
but the damage is done. The TAS guys showing their prowess, now...
obviously skilled in double-teaming...
Well, in Hungalot's line of work...
You know, this running gag has gone on too long.
Tag to Hungalot, who comes in and drops a vicious knee onto Beast's
throat area. Pulls him up... Irish whip to the buckle... Hungalot
follows through with a splash. Wait... lifts Beast up, and places him
on the top turnbuckle. This doesn't look good! Hungalot up after
him... picks him up, yes! Side suplex from the top! The cover is
made... 1... 2... No! Beast Light makes the save, but gets a boot to
the face from VP for his troubles. All four men in the ring, now...
referee unable to keep control...
I think da back offices need bigger and meaner
refs... like me. I gots some time openin' up in my schedule.
Beast picks VP up... looks like he might be going
for a reverse piledriver, tombstone-like maneuver. Swings him around,
and VP's heel knocks the referee clean out! We are without any order in
this one, folks! Hungalot in with a folding chair... going after Beast
Light... he creams him!!
Hehehe...
Jamal, one word and you're out of here. I don't
think Gary Gourmando is doing anything these days.
Word.
What's this? In from the audience... Dizzy Desi and
Sasquatch, the Circus Freaks! What are they doing here?
Well, they is da number two contenders... maybe
they wanted to eliminate the competition...
I think you may be right! Beast Light already
out... Sasquatch choking Beast down in the corner. Desi is chasing
Hungalot out of the ring with a sledgehammer... this is just too strange
for words, fans. It's an odd sight, indeed! Sasquatch has Beast on
the outside, ramming his head into the guardrail. Referee coming
around, no one's in the ring but the fallen Beast Light. What's this?
VP was hiding under the ring! He jumps in... makes the cover! The
referee is groggy but makes the count... 1... 2... 3! What an
upset!
Here are your winners: Sir Hungalot and the
Violent Pacifist... The Unlikely Alliance!
The Unlikely Alliance have defeated Milwaukee's
Best! VP is celebrating, obviously pleased with what went down here
tonight.
He ain't gunna be pleased for long,
though...
Sasquatch back into the ring... grabs VP!
Chokeslam! Oh, no! Is he going for it? Yes! Saskatchewan Stomp! The
Asylum guys are back in a big way... exploding back into the tag team
scene. How will this sit with the back offices? Will the Unlikely
Alliance get their shot even though the victory was tainted? We shall
see. The ring has finally been cleared, now moving right
along...
The following contest, scheduled for one fall with
a twenty minute time limit, is an Elite Dwarf division, non-title match.
First, the champion... currently making his way to the ring, from San
José, Costa Rica, weighing 78 lbs., your champion, PEE WEE
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRICO!!!
("Tema de Chupacabras" by Los Demonicos plays as
the tiny title holder runs wildly down the ramp and slides into the
ring.)
And his opponent:
(The crowd seems apathetic as the 1812 Overture
plays. BILL comes down to a less-than-warm welcome.)
He weighs in at 244 lbs., comes to us from
Springfield, Illinois and represents the Asylum Alliance:
BILL!
(BILL looks disgruntled as he walks up the steps
into the squared circle.)
So, umm... V? Is BILL gunna hafta rassle on his
knees like Tyrone Mayhem?
Jamal... it's BILL... I don't think it makes a
difference. The timekeeper rings the bell to get this thing started.
RRRico begins by running up and kicking BILL square in the knee, taking
the big man down.
Big man?
Well, he is in this match. RRRico showering him
with rights and lefts. The champion on the offensive... leads BILL to
the turnbuckles... tornado DDT! Impressive! He makes the cover... 1...
2... No! BILL kicks out, but I think it's just in vain. BILL looks
frustrated, now. RRRico spears him! Knocks his feet clear out from
under him! Another cover... 1... 2... No!
Wassup wit' BILL now? He's just sittin' there
screamin'...
BILL: What about me? Where's my break? Huh?
Do you hear me?! WHAT ABOUT BILL??
BILL's been on a bad role lately... with his recent
squash loss to Mittens. He just poked RRRico in the eyes, and tossed
him to the corner... stomping him, now.
BILL: You'll pay, you hear me? YOU'LL ALL
PAY! YEAAAHHHHH!
I think BILL's done gone nuts on us, V.
Well, he's in the right stable. Snapmare sends
RRRico flying across the ring. BILL drops a vicious legdrop. Makes the
cover... 1... 2... Thr... NO!
Whoa! Listen to 'im now! BILL's just screaming
and screechin' like a girl...
Grabs RRRico up... signals for it... could it be?
Sets him up... ... BILLplex! It's been a while since we've seen that
one, folks!
It's been a while since BILL's been in control of a
match.
Makes the cover... 1... 2... 3! BILL wins! BILL
wins! BILL is a champion! Who would have ever imagined?!
Here is your winner,
BILL!
Well, I guess BILL's a dwarf at heart...
Aye, look... da belt's too small for
him!
I really don't think BILL cares.
Ladies and gentlemen, at this time we'd like to remind you that this
was a NON-TITLE match. BILL, hand back the belt already...and lose some weight
if you're going to compete in this stupid division.
Wouldn't hurt if'n he cut off his legs at da knees.
BILL can't lose for winning.
He runs at into the crowd, who pelt him with sodas and popcorn. What an... ...
upset?
It a upset ANYTIME BILL wins a match.
Well, just another strange event in what's been a
strange night.
"Hi, I'm Darren #3... You know, when I have
hemorrhoids, I reach for..."
(crackling is heard, followed by static)
Funding for this program is (reluctantly) given by:
Interesting... signs of more backstage political
wars going on, perhaps? I'm anxious to see how things come around.
Our next match pits Bohemoth against former champion, Death!
Ladies and gentlemen, our next match is scheduled
for one fall with a fifteen minute time limit. Currently coming down
the aisle, from Death Valley, California, weighing in at 310 lbs., Death!!
(The Chorus of Death plays as a rather drunken
Death stumbles down the ramp, before tripping over his own feet.
Miraculously he pulls himself up and crawls into the ring.)
Looks like Death hadda rough night...
Yes, quite.
And his opponent: representing the Asylum
Alliance, weighing in at 490 lbs., from Charleston, West Virginia:
Bohemoth!
(The crowd pops generously as the big man from the
coal mine saunters to the ring while "In the Hall of the Mountain King"
plays.)
This should be a good one, fans. Bohemoth is a
former North American champion. He held that belt for quite a while.
Death, of course, is a former world champion... but so is StreetMime,
so who's to say, you know? Maybe... ... oh, forget it.
Good Gawd!
Oh, my! Bohemoth just charged Death, knocking the
man clean into the second row! Death is too busy licking beer spots off
of the floor to worry about the count. 6... 7... 8... 9... 10! And
just like that, Bohemoth wins this one almost by default.
Hey, yo... Death, man... lay off Granny!
Oh, geez... let's quickly put this one behind us.
Pay no attention to the drunken ex-champion with an affection for mature
women.
In case you missed it, the winner of your last
match: Bohemoth!
I really ain't think that was necessary.
Introducing, now...
(The crowd is dead silent as Nirvana's "Lithium"
plays. The less-than-lively drunken Jack Daniels accompanies Vyrus to
the ring.)
From Connecticut, Ohio, weighing in at 255 lbs.,
Vyrus! And his opponent...
("Selling the Drama" by Live plays, as most of the
crowd hits the hot dog stand. It seems that for the next fifteen
minutes, beers are half-price. The masked Arnold marches to the ring,
Grampa by side.)
From... wait! Where did everyone go? Huh? Half
price?
Well, we just lost Announcer Lad... and apparently
Jack Daniels, as well. This is certainly interesting isn't it, Jamal?
Jamal? Okay... so, looks like I'm going solo on this one. Arnold and
Vyrus... two up-and-comers here in the STWF. Grampa at ringside has
got to be a mark in Arnold's favor, as Jack Daniels has fled. So has
everyone else, apparently. Tie-up, now... Arnold shows that he has a
little more power on his side by simply tossing Vyrus across the ring.
Vyrus looks flustered... gets up, and charges Arnold, to no avail.
Vyrus decides to cut the big man down to size with a simple low blow.
Looks like the referee decided to not hang around. Arnold hits the mat,
as Vyrus begins showering him with rights and lefts. Can he wear the
monstrous Arnold down? Yeah, probably. Grampa on the ring apron,
now... swinging at Vyrus with his cane. Why is this match even
continuing? Vyrus grabs Grampa! Verticle suplex over the top rope!
Arnold up, now... sneaks up on Vyrus and delivers the reverse DDT.
Makes the cover... Grampa counts... 1... 2... No! Vyrus kicks out on
two. Is Grampa the referee now? Arnold applies a hammerlock as
Grampa urges him on. Vyrus squirms out, and applies an armbar.
Arnold simply tosses him off. Under normal circumstances, this would
be a good match. The crowd is slowly staggering in, now. Wait...
finally, here comes Jamal. Welcome back.
Yo.
Where's the beer?
It was half price because they found a rat floating
in the pitcher. I passed.
Good choice. Everyone seems to be back now, except
Jack Daniels. I guess when you enjoy alcohol as much as him, a rat
wouldn't matter.
Death's out there, too... just thought you'd like
to know. And they's rumours of the Aboriginals, but I don't actively look for them.
Of course. Vyrus and Arnold with another lock-up.
Arnold with a side headlock... Vyrus counters with a fist to the
stomach. Lariat takes Arnold down. Vyrus makes some sort of signal.
Could we see "The Cure"?
Man, Sir Hungalot been axin' that fo'
years...
I thought the jokes would end when he went back
stage. I guess I was wrong. Picks Arnold up off the mat... here we
go... Nope! Grampa back in the ring, plasters Vyrus! The referee has
no choice but to call it.
Here is your winner, by way of a disqualification:
Vyrus!
Vyrus takes this one. We have one more match this
evening... of the Hubcap Gang, back office favorite SuperWrestler takes
on STWF mainstay, Dr. Snare. I'm surprised there were no stipulations
for this match. Any predictions, Jamal?
No. Not at all.
The following contest is your main
event!
(Generous response from the stone cold sober crowd.
No rat beer for them.)
Introducing first...
("Paranoid" by Black Sabbath plays as Kandi leads
the good doctor out from the dressing room area. The crowd replies with
good heat.)
He hails from Jackson, Tennessee, and weighs in at
275 lbs., Doctor Snare! And his opponent:
(A compartment opens in the ceiling of the arena as
SuperWrestler is lower in a harness, striking his best "superhero in
flight" pose. Bonnie Tyler's "Holding Out For a Hero" blasts through
the establishment as the fan favorite hits the ring, and begins tossing
out Hubcap Gang T-shirts.)
From Kryptopolis, Mississippi, weighing in at 265 lbs. and
representing the Hubcap Gang: SuperWrestler!
Hey, that's a new entrance!
They back office fav'rites! The Hubcap Gang... ya
know? They get all da cash for da big entrances!
(As SuperWrestler continues to pose and work the
crowd, Dr. Snare gets the jump from behind.)
Snare getting a head start, battering SuperWrestler
in the back of the head. SW down now, as Snare continues kicking him.
Snare choking him. SW back up... Snare levels him with a standing side
kick.
Yo, V... rumor has it that Snare been feelin',
umm... feelin' a little shot down since he wanted in da Hubcap Gang...
but they... they be sayin' "no way."
That's the first I've heard of that. SW with a
single leg takedown... tangles Snare up now in a leg grapevine. Will he
submit? No! Too close to the ropes. The referee breaks the hold, and
both men are back up, now. Tie up, yet, again... Snare tries for a
vertical suplex... but it's blocked... reversal... SW with a front-face
suplex-like maneuver!
Why's SupaRassler wavin' his hand 'round in da air,
like that?
He might very well be signalling for the Punch Of
Justice! Snare up... dazed. SW swings, but NO! Snare catches it and
counters with an armbar submission... dropping to the mat. Clinching it
in... nowhere for SuperWrestler to go! They're in the middle of the
ring!
Say g'night, SupaBoy...
He's not giving it in... trying to power out! Can
he do it? With his other hand... he's trying... Yes! Palms Snare in
the side of the head, stunning him enough to let go. SW up, and Snare
is rocked. Into the ropes... plasters the Doctor with a fierce running
clothesline. Rear waistlock, into the atomic drop! Snare trying to
make a run for it, but SW is right behing. On the outside, now... ...
Oh, come on! Snare is hiding behind Kandi!
That's my man! Go Snare, go Snare, it's yo
birfday!
Oh, would you stop?! SW grabs Kandi by the waist
and gently sets her to the side. Snare is running, but the do-gooder
takes chase. Will he catch Snare?
Maybe not... I hear that Snare was a four year
letterman in track back in highschool.
Uhh, okay. SW does indeed catch him! He's dragging
him back to the ring, now... throws him in. SW back on the apron... and
to the top turnbuckle. Corkscrew dropkick! Impressive! Goes for the
cover... 1... 2... No! SW pulls Snare back to his feet... signals for
it... Yes! The Punch Of Justice sends Snare crumbling down! The
lateral press... 1... 2...3!! SuperWrestler is victorious!
Here is your winner, SuperWrestler!
Wow! What a Friday Friday Friday it's been... BILL
wins a match... a brawl between the top three ranked tag teams...
and a main event that does NOT end in a screwjob.
And rat beer.
Take that, big leagues! We know what our fans want!
Whoa! What's this?
He's stealin' Snare's woman!
SuperWrestler just threw Kandi over his shoulder,
and is marching out of here. Kandi's smiling! What's this all about?
I guess we'll hear more later.
Voiceover: Going somewhere, SuperWrestler? So, you win another match. You're
becoming quite the up-and-comer! Too bad it's not going to last once I come to destroy
you...I'll get that chance, SuperWrestler. And I will be victorious! Heeheeheeheeheeheeheehee...
heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee...
heeheehee...
SuperWrestler: WHERE ARE YOU?! COME ON!
(he drops Kandi and assumes a pose of frustrated agony. He looks toward the ceiling and yells in a really
Hogan-esque thespian manner....)
PLEMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
So, it seems we have a name to the voice after all, but who is Plemmy? I sure don't know,
but I bet the Captain would have some insights if he were here and coherent.
Anyway, that's all from us... For Jamal Tupac
Mustafa, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden telling you to tune in next week for
another edition of Friday Friday Friday, because one Friday is never
enough!
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/ Consejo
Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre