Twenty-Fifth FFF

(Generic Friday Friday Friday opening is shown. Girl Friday gyrates to the tropical rhythms of Carribean folk songs.)
Welcome everyone to Friday Friday Friday! We've got a blockbuster lined up for you tonight, folks, as Harlequin from Hell will battle StreetMime, and the NiGhtMare will face the Stalker from the Total Annihilation Squad. Also, the Unlikely Alliance will face the Vegas Connection. Plus, the Shoot-For- Loot continues: Tyrone Mayhem vs. the Violent Pacifist! And in our main event, it will be douja vs. the Tiger in a non-title match! That's a Pay Per View-caliber card if I've ever heard it!
Can't you be fined by somebody for making statements that inaccurate?
I almost forgot. I'm joined tonight by Captain Twilight. Hey! That almost rhymes!
Here's your cookie, per our agreement.
You said TWO cookies, old man!
Get on with the show.
Ok, first up we've got a debut match for the Harlequin from Hell. He's taking on . . . ugh . . . StreetMime.
Wow. It's a debut match AND it's against StreetMime. The only question is: have scientists developed instruments sensitive enough to measure how short this match will be?
We shall see.
Good Lord! And StreetMime is ALREADY IN THE RING!
Coming to the ring at this time, from Renfest, Fourth Circle of Hell, weighing in at 198 pounds, and accompanied by Glitter; HARLEQUIN FROM HELL! (The theme from CHiPS plays . . . for some reason . . . as the Harlequin and Glitter make their way to the ring. The crowd examines The Harlequin, as they don't quite know what to make of him. Except for this one guy, who is chanting "ECW" even though he's never seen it.)
And we're set to go. Amazing, the Mime seizes the early advantage! He whips Harlequin into the ropes . . . lariat!
What is going on here?
Another whip . . . drop toe hold by the Mime! Harlequin gets up . . . he looks dazed. Bodyslam by the Mime!
This is his debut match, he's fighting the Mime, and he can't even get a move in! This doesn't bode well for Harlequin's career here in the STWF!
Wait, something's happening . . . Glitter is glaring at the mime! OH, NO! While the ref was attending to the fallen Harlequin, Glitter smashed the Mime in the head with her wand! The ref turns around and looks confused! Harlequin rolls up StreetMime! One . . . Two . . . THREE! And an eventful debut from Harlequin.
Eventful? You mean dirty. I don't like the cut of Harlequin's jib.
Wait, Harlequin has the mic.
Harlequin: StreetMime, you haven't won a match in six months. Come with me and I shall set you free...and you shall win a few matches...then you shall start to suck again ..then we shall have a pointless feud with each other...finally we shall reconcile and no one shall care..but that's all months from now. Anyway, united we can cause lots of trouble plus you can hang out with a pretty pixie girl. Above all else the wrestling world will never be the same ever again. Well, actually, it probably won't change much at all. What do you say?
(StreetMime points an imaginary bat at Harlequin. Harlequin reaches for it, and StreetMime turns around raising his arms in the air.)
It doesn't have the same punch anymore, does it?
What do you mean?
I mean, this all feels like it was done a year ago.
(StreetMime eventually turns around.)
StreetMime: " "
(They shake hands and walk off together. StreetMime gets stuck on his rappelling belt, so he removes it and continues walking.)
For the first time in ages, StreetMime has actually unhooked the belt and left the rafters!
Took him long enough.
OK, so next up is our Shoot-for-Loot contest. Tyrone Mayhem will take on the Violent Pacifist. We haven't heard much from VP lately, have we, Cap?
Maybe he's been getting ready for this Shoot-for-Loot bout.
("Money," by Pink Floyd plays as the two fighters make their way to the ring)
***bell rings.
And there's the bell for round one. The Violent Pacfist comes out swinging! What is this all about!
Maybe he's responding the front office's desire for more violence, less pacifism.
Could be, but he is holding his own against Tyrone Mayhem here.
***bell rings.
Tough round to call, Cap. The judges are scoring it a draw! Tyrone seems disgusted with himself.
He needs to stay focused.
***bell rings.
Mayhem out with a furious flurry of offense! Now there's the Tyrone we know!
Yeah, it looks like he took that first round to be a wake-up call.
Tyrone dominating . . . OH, but a takedown by VP!!!
***bell rings.
That was quick. Tyrone picks up a point, but VP gets 3 for the takedown.
That makes it 4-2 . . . no, wait, the judges are awarding VP a bonus point for congeniality.
Tyrone may be in trouble here.
***bell rings.
Tyrone comes out swinging. ANOTHER takedown by VP.
Tyrone is putting a beating on the Pacifist, but losing on points.
Tyrone looks really angry now. Wait, the rest of the TAS is coming to ringside.
What's happening?
They've got a 15th-century battering ram! They look like they're heading for Mayhem.
NO!!! Mayhem ducked, and they hit VP!!!
VP is wobbly. Tyrone taps him on the forehead and he tumbles over.
Here is your winner, by a knockout, TYRONE MAYHEM!!!
The rest of the TAS looks frustrated.
Why don't they attack Mayhem now? They're just standing around looking flustered and shaking their fists.
Shhhh . . . shut up. Anyway, we've got to take a break. We'll be right back, fans.
This edition of Friday Friday Friday brought to you by...

And we're back. Unfortunately, we just received word that due to "family problems" (wink, wink), Larry Lowbrow could not compete tonight, and thus the match between the Unlikely Alliance and the Vegas Connection has been called off.
What, Presto or "Black" Jack couldn't sub in?
Are you trying to ruin this for everyone? I could have you ejected, you know.
I was just saying is all...(mumbles) sorry.
Yeah, well that's better. Next up, we have another debut match as NiGhtMare takes on Stalker of the Total Annihilation Squad.
NightMare?
No, NiGhtMare.
nIgHtmAre?
No, you're not saying it right. It's NiGhtMare.
Forget it. Just do your talk thing.
What?
Don't look at me.
Coming to the ring at this time, from (ugh) the Ashes of Utopia, weighing in at 283 pounds, and representing the Total Annihilation Squad; STALKER! ("Danger" by KISS plays. The crowd seems indifferent at best)
You know, the TAS is kind of becoming Los Boriquas of the STWF.
So, I guess that would make Sir Hungalot Savio Vega?
Now, you're talking.
Making his way down the aisle, from "Hell," Michigan, weighing in at 333 pounds and accompanied by The Mistress; NiGhtMare! ("Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne plays. The crowd pops fairly well for a newcomer)
OK, and we're ready to go. NiGhtMare gets the early advantage with a hammerlock. He releases the hold and throws Stalker down.
I get the feeling that NiGhtMare has no interest in fighting a technical match.
Agreed. Stalker with a vicious shot to the head . . . NO-SELLLLL . . . ERRR . . . IT HAS NO EFFECT ON NiGhtMare. Bodyslam on Stalker! Picked up by the head . . . running poweslam!
He's going to go for his finisher.
A bold prediction, Cap. YEP! THAT'S IT . . . THE DEATH WISH. Hey, isn't that just the Lockdown with a leg-grab, Très Sheik's camel clutch with a leg-grab, the G-spot, the Forces of Justice's old Deathwish done by one guy?
Uhhhhh...I can't hear you. Anyway, Stalker predicatably taps out, and this match is history. NiGhtMare has a victory in his debut.
Enough about him, how about that Mistress? She's quite a dame!
(shudders) For a corpse.
Watch it!
Next up, we have our main event. And, fans, hold on to your collective hat, because I have just been handed a note from the Right Hand Man himself. Apparently, the STWF Executive Committee has been in meetings all day on this. They have made this, per Tiger's request, an STWF North American Title match!
(as if reading from a cue card) But, Vince . . . douja is not a . . . contender for that title.
That's a good point, Cap, but The Tiger agreed to this, so that's what we've got. The Tiger vs. douja for the North American Title.
Making his way down the aisle, from parts forgotten, weighing in at 245 pounds; douja! ("Roll it Up, Light it Up, Smoke it Up" by Cypress Hill plays. douja draws tremendous heel heat from the crowd.)
And, from Richmond, Virginia, weighing in at 253 pounds and representing the Inner Circle, the STWF North American Champion, THE TIGER! ("Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor plays. The Tiger gets a huge pop from the crowd.)
And our main event is set to begin.
I've never seen The Tiger this intense, Vince. He looks like he wants to send douja a message.
And here we go. They lock up. Headlock into a takedown by The Tiger. Wristlock by douja into a short-arm lariat.
Nice recovery by douja.
douja off the ropes . . . armdrag takedown by The Tiger. Cross arm-breaker applied by Tiger.
douja looks a little fuzzy.
What did you expect?
I don't know, I thought he'd put away the reefer for a big match. Kind of like how back in my day, I wouldn't have sex before a big match.
WHOA! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!
Lots of sexy sex all the time.
This program has just been rated TV-14 for mature theme. With emphasis on "mature"...as in old?
Shut up! Anyway, both men up now. Kick to the midsection by Tiger. Tiger off the ropes . . . swinging neckbreaker! Off the ropes again . . . kneedeop by The Tiger.
I'm not sure how long douja can compete in his current condition.
douja slowly gets to his feet. Looks like The Tiger is sizing him up for a Tiger Driver . . . NO! INSIDE CRADLE BY DOUJA . . . ONE . . . TWO . . . THREEEEEENOOOOO! NOOO! So close!
He caught Tiger off-guard that time. The Tiger needs to stay on track and not let his anger run the match. You can get careless that way.
Good point, Cap. All Tiger right now. And . . . he's going for the Tiger Driver again . . . GO IT!!!
Now douja looks really confused.
He's trying to leave the ring, but he's met in the aisle by Beast, who throws him back in. Tiger has a big smile on his face. He's going for the rack! He has him up! Annnnnd . . . that's it. The ref has ruled that douja cannot continue.
Unfortunately, douja just doesn't have the experience to match up with The Tiger at this point in his career. But a good try.
Here is your winner, by submission, and STILL STWF North American Champion, THE TIGER!
Well, that about wraps it up for this addition of FFF. Any final thoughts, Cap?
Whatever happened to that guy "Jacko," who used to be the Energizer guy before that bunny?
Good Lord. And . . . Good night!
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre