Friday Comes Too Quickly

(The Friday Friday Friday introduction is shown. Girl Friday jiggles around in the ring. The Cybernetics come in and start breakdancing before security leads them away.)
Welcome to Friday Friday Friday, everybody! I'm Vince "Angus" McMadden, and I'm with Jamal Tupac Mustafa and Col. "Pops" Khorne.
That's right, I'm legit now. Thanks to Fred Meatnsaucy.
Yeah, yeah, always with the Meatnsaucy...um, I mean, Mmm, mmm, Meatnsaucy.
Yo, V, if we can juss get to da rasslin' now?
I suppose. Will the Shoot-For-Loot between the Violent Pacifist and Kabuki do for starters?
Sho', I guess.
This is a Shoot-For-Loot contest! Our first competitor, from Seattle, Washington and weighing 330 lbs., THE VIOLENT PACIFIST!
(Pink Floyd's "Money", the Shoot-For-Loot song, plays as the VP makes his way to the ring. He bounces off the ropes a bit to warm up.)
And his opponent, from Japan and accompanied by Minako, he is KABUKI!
("Money" continues.)
***bell rings.
Well, Kabuki received the costume point while the VP got the hygiene point, and this contest is on.
I think this contest is pointLESS.
Kabuki charges. The Violent Pacifist scoops him up behind the neck and by the legs and sets him down gently for a takedown! Kabuki doesn't look happy about that. He tries again, with the same result!
Yo, da VP can get big points widdis strategy!
Kabuki with a left hook! The Violent Pacifist wipes some blood out of the corner of his mouth and scoops up Kabuki for another takedown! He's making it look easy.
***bell rings.
Well, it's time for round 2. The Violent Pacifist is up 4-2.
At last, something interesting. Sir Hungalot is coming to take a closer look.
Perhaps he didn't like the way Kabuki asked him not to go near Minako. Well, Minako is now walking away with Sir Hungalot, but Kabuki doesn't have a clue what's going on yet! He's been scooped up twice more, but got a few hits in while he was at it.
***bell rings.
The Violent Pacifist is now up 6-3. Kabuki will need a knockdown and more to advance in this tournament.
Big deal. Why don't we just declare Prisoner X the winner of the whole damn tourney and leave it at that.
We can't do that, it's not a booked contest!
Oh, SURE it's not. These matches were set up so Prisoner X is the only guy with a chance.
What about Mayhem?
Or Iceberg?
I stand by my claim.
Fine. Kabuki during the break noticed his girlfriend was gone. Will he finish the match? Does he have the minute to spare?
The Violent Pacifist with another gentle takedown. Kabuki isn't getting up, he's asking the ref to count him! Alright, a ten-count it is, and the Violent Pacifist moves on in a strange manner indeed.
Here is your winner, THE VIOLENT PACIFIST!
Okay, fine. Now here's the debut of SuperWrestler. He'll be battling the Red Snapper.
I can't believe Lobster-Boy is still alive.
This contest is set for one fall. Currently in the ring, from St. John's, Newfoundland, the Red Snapper!
("Rock Lobster" by the B-52s plays briefly. He waves his giant lobster claws in the ring to many boos and jeers)
And his opponent, from Kryptopolis, Mississippi, weighing 265 lbs., SUPERWRESTLER!
("Holding Out for a Hero" by Bonnie Tyler plays as SuperWrestler runs to the ring with an outstretched hand, as if flying.)
***bell rings.
SuperWrestler, gaining notoriety here as the man who helped B.F. Sack get his belt back. What else might the Right Hand Man make him do for the company?
Knowing the Right Hand Man, kneecap the Rogue.
We're assumin' that SuperWrestler is down wit' da RHM. We don't know dat fa sure.
You keep on thinking that.
SuperWrestler puts the Red Snapper in a hammerlock. He switches it up to a full nelson! Luckily the Red Snapper has enough hand reach to pince his way out of that one. SuperWrestler with a drop toehold. He now puts the Red Snapper in a kneelock. He's not stopping the submission tactics on this one. Red Snapper grabs a rope with a big claw.
He's allowed ta rassle wit' dose claws?
Why not? It's not like he wins much, with or without them. SuperWrestler with a waistlock, and into a German suplex! He covers: 1...2...the Red Snapper kicks out?
So what, plenty of jobbers kick out.
You should know, Khorne. SuperWrestler unrelenting, he's got an armbar submission on. The Red Snapper's trying to get out...SuperWrestler breaks the hold. He picks up the weakened Snapper by the hair. I think he's going for the Punch of Justice!
Ooh, this oughta be good. With a name like dat, it gotta be good.
The Red Snapper takes a Greco-Roman punch, right in the kisser! The Red Snapper collapses and here's the cover: 1...2...3! SuperWrestler wins.
I'm pretty impressed by Supe, but what kind of finisher is a punch? He's got a great array of submission maneuvers, and he finishes with a PUNCH? The Jiffyneckpop, now THAT'S a finisher, let me tell you. Here, Vince, let me show you.
Um...show Jamal.
He ain't showin' me nuttin'!
And just as this show was getting on a roll, look who's back! The Rogue!!!
And he's wit' dat Gravy guy!
That's right! It's Grrreat Gravy too! Meatnsaucy Gravy: the One and Only! In your Grocer's deli counter!! It also makes a great exfoliating facial mask!
What was dat about?
Contractual obligation.
Puppet.
Leave him be. He's doing the right thing.
Mmmm mmmmm. That's some fine gravy! Let's listen in!
Hello everybody! I'd like to thank you all for your continued ignorance and unwavering support over these last few weeks. I can tell you that I have never felt lower than I have in those horrendous days, but I can also say that I have never felt as good as I do now! HA-LA!!

Well, there is one man to thank for this, for if not for him I would be sitting in a jail cell right now, and be forever banned from this fed. Mister Fred Meatnsaucy!
Fred: Hello everyone! How are you all doing? I hope that this great show, brought to you by my Meatnsaucy Powdered Gravy (which can now be bought at the souvenir stands), has been most entertaining. You may be wondering what brought me here to the STWF. And that I will tell you. It all started one day many months ago, when a polo match of mine ended abruptly after my horse's leg broke and we had to put him away. He was such a wonderful animal (and you will think so too when you try my new "alternative meat" gravy!). Anyway, to pass the spare time I was channel surfing and I came across an episode of Monday Nae Trous. Having not been familiar with the world of professional wrestling, I was puzzled by the strange outfits, the unorthodox maneuvers, and the colourful cast of characters. Frankly, I was quite unimpressed then, sitting in my mansion on top of my mahogany and bearskin chair. I thought to myself "This is not a program I would even THINK of associating myself with!" Just as I was about to turn off the TV, a young man came on who did leave an impression. He reminded me a lot of myself in my younger days: despite having very mediocre resources and seemingly insurmountable odds stacked against him, he still managed to have a tangible drive of ambition in him. I continued watching the show for a few weeks more, and although it was generally a depressing lot, this man, the Rogue, shone through. I decided then that I was going to sponsor that program, bankrolling it over the last few weeks with many of my hard-earned dollars. I mean sure the exposure's great, but let's face the facts: this fed needs me a hell of a lot more than I need it!! Then when I saw that I had invested all that money, and all the while the Rogue was getting screwed deeper and deeper, I couldn't just sit by and watch; I had to act. I decided to bail him out of jail, then I managed to convince the Executive Committee that my sponsorship of the STWF is a lot more important than a personal vendetta and lifetime suspension. So, basically, the moral of the story is you can get what you want if you have the money to pay for it, AND I SURE DO!!! Now it is my job as a Gallery-ite to ensure that we are the greatest Power in the STWF, and over the next few weeks you will see that a LOT of money goes a LONG way!
Well there you have it, kids! We ARE the POWER, baby, cause we rule the WORLD!!!! HA-LA!!!
*Sniff* Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
You're lucky I can't remove you, Colonel. Let's move on, as Prisoner X has a little challenge to face. BF Sack chose an opponent for him, and we'll find out right now who that is. Sack is in the ring now.
B.F. Sack: Prisoner X, get your cops to bring you down here, your destiny awaits!
(The cops escort Prisoner X down after some time. He gets no theme music.)
Prisoner X: Alright, Sack, bring it on. I can take anybody in this fed. Who do you got lined up? Bohemoth? Death? Dr. Snare? El Spheros, maybe?
Sack: No, I think we'll need something a little closer to home. Your opponent is...THE TIGER!
(crowd gives huge pop)
Prisoner X is gonna haveta face his own stablemate!
Prisoner X: No problem. The Tiger will lay down for me easy if it means I can get a title shot. Well, bring on the Tiger!
(Presto Cadabra and Janice enter, wheeling out a large covered box)
Prisoner X: I thought you said I was fighting the Tiger, not this magician schmoe.
Presto: Oh, but you ARE facing the Tiger. Sack never said WHICH Tiger though. May I present to you, your opponent for this evening, and my beloved pet, Brünhilde!
(they lift the cover to reveal a large Bengal tiger in a cage)
You've gotta be joking. Prisoner X has to fight a live tiger to get a title shot? How do you pin it? It's like fighting Mr. Fred.
Nevertheless, this match is on! The cage is being hoisted above the ring. Sack and Big Daddy Panama are rolling in the aisle laughing!
Heh heh, you gotta admit, it's pretty funny.
Prisoner X could be ripped to shreds!
HAAAAAHAHAHA! I never thought about it like dat. Now it's hilarious!
Prisoner X looks concerned as the cage is opened and Brünhilde is released. Prisoner X has no clue what to do...
***bell rings.
Presto blows a whistle and the tiger leaps! Prisoner X rolls out of the way.
He's pretty agile for a guy his size.
Prisoner X legdrops the tiger on the back. No noticeable effect. Presto blows the whistle again.
Who's fightin' this match, Presto or da tiger?
The tiger is up on its hind legs. It's digging its claws into Prisoner X's shoulders! It's hard to see with the bright orange uniform, but spots of red are starting to bloom. P-X shoulderblocks Brünhilde. He kicks the tiger in the legs. Working on those legs of the big Bengal.
Is da ASPCA in on dis?
What they don't know won't hurt them. Besides, we can cover our hides just like this:

No animals were harmed during the taping of this Friday Friday Friday.

My conscience is clear. Now go kick some tiger butt, Prisoner!
Brünhilde snaps its massive jaws. It's got the Prisoner's arm firmly in, and won't let go! Prisoner X grabs the ropes.
Yeah, YOU try explaining to the Bengal that he's gotta break the hold.
The ref telling Presto Cadabra to call off the tiger. Two short whistle blasts, and the jaws are released, but not without piercing the skin. The tiger leaps again - Prisoner X is just missed; his uniform has big slash marks on it. P-X with a kneelift on the tiger. And now...oh no, he's taking Brünhilde to the top rope!
Wass 'e gonna do?
This I must see! Folks, this is the best Friday Friday Friday EVER!
Hey, watch it Schiavone, you could get ejected for that. It's a bulldogging headlock! The Bengal tiger took a nasty bump right there. But wait, Prisoner X isn't finished! He's putting the tiger in the Lockdown! The tiger snaps, P-X releases the hold, he nearly lost a hand! Not a wise move. He grabs the tiger's midsection...POWERBOMB!
No animals harmed during the taping, huh?
Presto Cadabra is crying.
Wimp.
Prisoner X with the cover: 1...2...3! Yes, Brünhilde didn't know to kick out. I suppose it's not something you can put into whistle code. Presto rushes the ring to see if his pet is alright. Wait, the King just jumped out of the audience! He's got that razorcard that Presto used on him last time. A brief tussle ensues. Janice runs off to the locker room.
You know, we really could have expanded on that.
No time for that now, because we have a main event on our hands!
What can top a felon beatin' up a tiger?
An ICCTINACBBIC championship match!
Groan.
I'll ignore that. Yes, the Sunflower takes on challenger douja!
GROAN.
This contest is for the Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This Is Not A Championship Belt But It's Close" belt, and is set for one fall. Entering first, the challenger, accompanied by Grandma, and weighing 245 lbs., douja!
("Roll it Up, Light it Up, Smoke it Up" by Cypress Hill plays. Grandma is leading douja to the ring by the ear. She spits on a tissue and cleans his face. douja is dressed somewhat nice for once.)
Wow, the junkie actually looks presentable! I'm betting he isn't high, either.
And his opponent, the champion, accompanied by Edwina, and weighing 123 lbs., THE SUNFLOWER!
("Take a Chance on Me" by Erasure plays. Seed is conspicuous by his absence.)
Why would Sunflowa be accompanied by a chick?
I don't see any chick, just Edwina.
You folks, please, this is the last match.
***bell rings.
douja certainly looks coherent. He dropkicks the Sunflower right out of the ring! He's getting a running start...big legdrop over the top of the ring, and the Sunflower is down. This crowd is going wild!
I think I liked 'im better when he was totally outta it.
douja taking it to the Sunflower outside the ring. He whips the champion to the ringsteps...reversal! douja slams into the steps hard. The Sunflower following up with some kicks, then rolls him back in the ring. Sunflower is climbing up to the top rope. A splash coming your way...douja rolls away just in the nick of time.
Are we seeing a new douja here tonight? He's really doing well.
Probably Grandma made sure douja didn't do anything foolish before the match. douja now takes the Sunflower for the ride. Avalanche by douja. Normally this wouldn't be effective, but let's keep in mind the Sunflower's incredibly low weight. douja is nearly twice that! The Sunflower slips down, small package by the Sunflower: 1...2...no. douja is up. douja with some big right hands. douja takes the Sunflower down and...a Boston Crab?
That's way too technical for douja. Grandma must have some secrets.
douja breaks the hold. The Sunflower is down. douja to the top rope? What's he got planned for us?
He'll probably fall on his face.
Moonsault! Moonsault! douja with an amazing moonsault. Who is this Grandma, and what has she done to douja? He's not pinning...he just looks to Grandma and shrugs. She makes a shooing motion. He gets it...the cover: 1......2.....3! I can't believe it, we have a new champ!
Here is your winner, and NEEEEW Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This Is Not A Championship Belt But It's Close" belt champion, douja!
douja is loving it. He gets the belt and does some showboating. Grandma reaches into her purse and hands douja a blunt.
Oh, so that was it. Wrestle now, smoke later.
What a great show it's been. I can't wait until Monday, can you? For Jamal Tupac Mustafa and Col. "Pops" Khorne, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden saying, tune in next week to Friday Friday Friday, because one Friday is never enough.
Want some popcorn, guys?
(Jamal and Angus together): We'll pass.
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre