(the camera pans the Cowpie Palace. Sparklers flare inside the ring, girl
Friday is dancing her
Yes, we finally get to see the STWF championship on the line, here on a Friday. Also, Wrestler Smurf fights Zebulon in a battle of the seldom flashers. I wonder who will win? Perhaps Lady Luck will factor in this one. Prisoner X goes against the Tibetan Monk, ohhh this one is too close to call...NOT. Bohemoth is going to fight Ironman, just because we can. And of course B.F. Sack gets a shot against the Square. What do you think Gary?
Well, I think tonight some weird stuff is gonna happen. I might even have a bite to eat for a change.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Ironman and Bohemoth are going to get it on in a cage, suspended 5000 feet above a pool of water in which there are electrified eels and electrified alligators and crocodiles. And lions - and yes! - one drop of human blood to stir things up. Wait, just kidding. It will be one of our usual cheap "kick ass till the other guy drops" matches.
What, no cage? Boy, Ironman is gonna be pissed.
Oh well, I'm sure he can console himself with all those plastic belts of his.
Introducing first, from the top of the world, the Tibetan Monk. And now, accompanied by his ever-vigilant guards, Prisoner X.
And there they go. Prisoner X is free, and he's taking off...wait. Tibetan Monk just got a hold of his trunks as X tried to get into the crowd. Oh no, X's trunks just came off, and he's bent over that metal barrier. I think he just had a bad memory because now he just grabbed a chair from the front row and is pounding the Monk repeatedly over the head with it.
X just power bombed the Monk on the floor, and now it looks like the rest of the Inner Circle has come down to the ring to cheer Prisoner X on. Prisoner X and the Tibetan Monk are now in the ring, where the Tibetan Monk continues to bleed all over Prisoner X. I don't think X is worried about any diseases though, I think he has all of them already. BRAAAP!
Prisoner X with the hiptoss on the Monk, and now he's got the arm submission thing happening. Oh Oh, now it's time for the Lockdown. Tibetan Monk has submitted, but X isn't letting go. Now the rest of the Inner Circle is crowding in, maybe they are trying to talk some sense into Prisoner X. The guards are getting nervous for some reason.
Wait, I can't see that orange uniform anywhere. The guards are now in the ring, attempting to get by the crowd of Inner Circle members. Beast just tossed two guards into the crowd, now the guards have their nightsticks and pepper spray out, but where is Prisoner X.
SIRENS....Is Saturn here? Boy, that would be a coup, but no. Its because....shock, Prisoner X has escaped! He's not in the ring, but the rest of the Inner Circle are now in cuffs. Looks like they neatly covered the escape of the notorious serial ki... oh yeah can't mention what Prisoner X did.
Uh, Vince, you don't think he's around here do you, as I remember, he did like liver so much that he sometimes cut out...
That's enough Glutton. We've got to continue as normal, the show must go on after all.
Here we go with a West Virginian miner for a change, Zebulon with his mongoose in tow, and Wrestler Smurf makes his return with a slightly crispy Smurfette.
Introducing first, from Smurf Village, accompanied by his manager, Smurfette, and weighing in at 325 pounds, Wrestler Smurf. ( the man comes out Blue as always, but, like Bohemoth appears to have severe burns all over his back and face, he doesn't look to good.)
And now, from Charleston, West Virginia, and weighing in at 290 pounds, accompanied by the Mongoose, Zebulon.
Here they go. Zebulon with a rake to the eyes of Wrestler Smurf, and now a knee to the groin. Smurf responds with a knife edge chop, and tosses the lighter Zebulon into the corner, where Smurf runs in with an Avalanche. Zebulon really felt that one, and he tumbles to the mat, legs twitching.
Wrestler Smurf is really taking control here, it seems that explosion must have knocked some sense into that blue head of his. If he forgets about all that smurf crap, he might really start to get somewhere. The Smurf is going up to the top rope, but Zebulon is back up, and before the Smurf can squish him, he's up there on top too, working over the Smurf's battered face with those closed fists. Looks like the Mongoose is trying to get in there with its sharp beak, but one swat by one of the Wrestler Smurf's meaty arms sends the animal reeling senseless to the floor.
The mongoose doesn't have a beak, it's a mammal! It's more like a...um...snout? Oh no, Zebulon is shrieking at this indignity. His poor little pet. What's this, he's going for a Superplex, he's got the Smurf up, and he hits it. Both men feeling the effects though, that was quite a drop. Zebulon recovers first, he drapes an arm over Wrestler Smurfs heaving chest, and the ref counts. 1..2..Kickout. That arm must have weighed a lot. Zebulon and Wrestler Smurf are both back up, and exchanging blows. But the Smurf does have a little more power, and he is hammering Zebulon to his knees. Wrestler Smurf is going for the Power Bomb. He hits it, and this time there is no Mongoose to save Zebulon. Wrestler Smurf is going for the pin, no wait... Wrestler Smurf is putting the LaLaLaLaLaLa on Zebulon. Zebulon is submitting, but the Smurf is not letting go, the ref can't get Wrestler Smurf to let go. We might see a disqualification if the Smurf doesn't quit it.
What's that, the crowd is yelling "You're Not Safe", and here comes the wheelbarrow, and inside it's ThatGuy! The leader of the Asylum has arrived to save the day. He's going after those beefy blue fingers, and yes, it's time to chow down! Now it's the Smurf's turn to scream, his blood is red, not blue, and he lets go right away, and so does ThatGuy, with only a half chewed blue fingernail in his mouth for all his efforts.
Here is your winner, by Submission, Wrestler Smurf.
I'm surprised the ref didn't throw that match out, but I guess the hold was broken and the match had ended. We'll be right back after these short messages....What? Oh, okay. No ads this week kids, Der Kommisaar is having trouble selling time. So up next we've got Ironman as he takes on Bohemoth for the North American Championship.
Now entering the ring area, from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and weighing in at 310 pounds, accompanied by his manager, Domenic the Duke Oliver, Ironman. (Ironman comes down looking pumped, as always. He tries out a few of those martial arts moves in the ring, but the crowd does not seem too impressed, but Ironman doesn't really seem to care about the crowd one way or the other.)
And now, from Charleston, West Virginia, Weighing in at 490 pounds, the North American Champion, Bohemoth. ( He comes down to the ring with the belt somehow around his immense waist, I guess he got it sized XXXXX Large, the crowd gives a large pop, but he has his one eye for no one but Ironman.)
These two are as different as you can get, actually there ain't anyone out there quite like Bohemoth, except maybe you Glutton.
Hey I outweigh him by over 100 pounds, and I would win in a pie-eating contest anyday. Ironman is now circling Bohemoth, and he tries out one of those fancy kicks, all it does is knock off Bohemoth's helmet, and now he's really mad. Bohemoth tries to wrap his arms around Ironman, but he's too fast, and gets behind Bohemoth and takes him for a running Bulldog across the ring. Ironman grabs the leg and gives him a spinning toe hold, keeping the pressure on.
What's this, we've got the Inner Circle standing at the top of the ramp, just watching. Tiger doesn't seem too happy, he's been waiting for quite a while for a title shot, and now Ironman seems to have taken it. The match continues unabated, however, as both men have not taken notice of their audience. Bohemoth has regained his feet, despite Ironman's flurry of offensive moves. Bohemoth grabs up Ironman, who was just a bit too slow to get away this time, and Belly to Belly Suplex. Bohemoth just lies there for the count. 1...2.., Kickout. Ironman was winded by that, but there's still a lot of fight left in this multiple-time champion. Ironman with the Double axehandle on Bohemoth's back, and the big man drops to one knee in a grimace of pain. Ironman with the leapfrog onto Bohemoth's back, and Bohemoth is trapped in the ropes. Ironman is continuing to pound away on Bohemoth's head. Ironman is back up and tries to do it again, but this time no dice. Bohemoth got out of the way, and this time Ironman has made a critical mistake as he missed and is now tied up in the ropes. Wait, Domenic Oliver is up on the apron, and is distracting Bohemoth, I think he just said something about his mother. Bohemoth just walks over to Oliver, picks him up and tosses him down onto the Spanish announcer's table, but Oliver is so light, he doesn't even make a dent, and the Mexicans breathe a sigh of relief.
Oh no, by this time Ironman has got himself altogether, and now it's time for a Superkick. He hits it, and Bohemoth tumbles head over heels outside the ring, and one huge leg hits the Spanish table, easily snapping it in half, and causing the Mexicans to shake their fists in anger. Ironman is playing "Beat Bohemoth's Head Against All Four Ring Posts", and he's having fun doing it too. 1 post, 2, 3, 4, no wait, Bohemoth stops it, and then he grabs Ironman's head and repeatedly smashes it into the post. Now he throws Ironman up to the ring, and follows a second later. Bohemoth with a Tilt-a-Whirl backbreaker, and that takes all the fight out of Ironman. Bohemoth is going up top, and with a roar of rage he points to the Inner Circle, who stir at this, but don't seem like they want to interfere. It's time for the SMASHER, and Bohemoth hits it square, and 1..2..3, this one is over.
Here is your winner by pinfall, and still North American Champion, Bohemoth.
What's this, is that the Mira Maniac coming out of the crowd, yelling his head off about something. He's going for the ring and Bohemoth is waiting for him, ready to fight some more, but no, Mira sees someone in the crowd.... could it be?
Yes, it is, it's Mira Sorvino herself, oh no wait, its Sugarplum Harry dressed in drag (or considering he wears a tutu, as close to drag as you can get), and he's wearing a Mira mask. How could we have made such a mistake, I wonder? Mira Maniac is going nuts, and he's taking Harry into the back for the beating of his life.
OK now that we've got all that crap over, it's time for the Main Event. The Square will defend his title against B.F. Sack, don't you DARE change the channel, because here we go.
This is for the STWF Heavyweight Championship Belt. Now entering the ring, weighing in at 282 pounds, and accompanied by his manger, Big Daddy Panama, B.F. Sack. ( The Theme to Sandford and Son plays, and the crowd pops quite loud for him, because after all any champ has got to be better than a social moron like the Square.)
And now, weighing in at Parts Unknown, accompanied by Trapezoid, he is your STWF Heavyweight Champion, the SQUARE. ("It's Hip to Be Square" plays, and a Red Square of light appears in the middle of the ring, which B.F. Sack moves away from. Square kisses the belt as the timekeeper takes it away, and he tells the timekeeper in his nasal voice, "If someeeething haaaappens to this beeeeelt, something's going to haaappen to youuuuuu.")
OK here we go, B.F. Sack locks up with the Square, but the Square's corners, or shoulders are poking his ribs so he lets go in pain. The Square with a kick to Sack's middle, and now with....AN ARMBAR. Sack is in pain as the Square is digging that shoulder into his back. Sack manages to kick out with a leg and connects with a kneecap, and the Square lets go. Sack goes back to BDP, and confers. The Square goes back to talk to his old friend.
Man, this Square sure is weird, what nationality is he anyway?
He won't say. Sack is ready to go again, and as the two lock up again he manages to avoid those deadly shoulders from the Square, he executes the standing switch, and German Suplexes the Square in the middle of the ring. Wow, he does it again, and again, incredible, never seen it before in my life.
Hmmmm, looks familiar to me.
Shut up, Glutton. Here, have a hot dog.
Don't mind if I do, Ref is counting by the way 1..2.., the Square kicks out, that's kind of surprising. Munch, munch...BRAP.
Well he is the champion you know. B.F. Sack with the Russian Legsweep, and there he goes, he's trying to get the Domino Effect on the Square's strange body. And the Square is fighting to get out of it, digging a shoulder into that leg wound that Sack suffered at the hands of the Executioner. But to no avail. The hold is on, and the Square submits before Trapezoid can get in to interfere.
Here is your winner by Submission, and NEW STWF HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION... B.F. SACK.
Well there you have it folks, a brand new champion who is not a jobber and who is not from Pittsburgh. B.F Sack is Boom Chick A Booming like he never has before. Grady comes in for the celebration, and is doing the "Grady Shuffle" in the ring. Sack and Panama take the opportunity to get away from him for a while. Well, that's all the time we have this week. For Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden saying tune in next week for another Friday Friday Friday, because one Friday is never enough. TGIF. Now if only we could find Prisoner X, than this would have been the Best Friday Friday Friday EVER!!!!
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre